Please help me with this poem.

[SulcataIxlude]

Hello everyone how are you? I was wondering if it would not infringe on anyone's scheduals, or free time could somebody please help me with a poem? I am writing it to my girlfriend from Korea, but I want to try to make this poem the best it possibly can be. So please feel free to critizie, or edit it to your own heart's desire. Thank you.



Korean Angel

You’re a blessing from above.

Nobody on this earth

Can ever match your beauty.

With your silky charcoal colored hair,

Lightly tanned cinnamon skin,

Deep mystical brown eyes that charm,

Soft pillow like hands that are small, and graceful like the eastern wind,

A smile that is brighter than ivory and as warm as the sun,

Lips sweeter than any cherry blossom or wine,

And your voice with its crisp accent and upon hearing it makes all physical pain go away, and makes one spirit's soar.



You are considerate of others

By offering your assistance to help,

Or to send gifts without except much in return.

Your charity is a rarity in this world,

And you are not rash, nor hateful.

Whenever people are around you

They are happy, and feel comfortable

As you do not hurt others

For your own benefit, or gain.

You are far more intelligent

Than any cordobian scholar,

And your dedication

To things in your life is very admirable.

For you put your best effort

Into every task you perform.



Yet I love you

Oh fair Korean angel

In far more ways

That can ever be explained.

So thank you for coming into my life,

And you have shown me the light

Not only spiritually, but physically

For I have never felt so much better

In a very long time.

So I want to say

I love you,

And may god bring you

To the path in life

You deserve to tread upon,

And find your true strength,

And to also help those close to you

Find their source of peace

Inside their souls.

For the world is forever blessed

Due to your existence.

 

[achooxp]

Han-gook saram eeb-nee ggah? If you understood that, cool. If not, cool anyway. I'm Korean. Well I was Korean- gave up my dual citizenship upon 18 because I had to choose and I chose the U.S. But who is this girl anyway? Also, are you Asian? Just wanted to know.

I think if she's Korean infusing it with some Korean vocabulary might be nice.

Nae chunsa = my angel
Chunsa = angel in Korean
Sarang = love
Nae sarang = my love
Saranghae = I love you

Anyway, I don't believe in altering other people's work much becasue then it becomes somewhat mine, not fully yours, but I'll give you some general thoughts and I'm [HASHTAG]#ing[/HASHTAG] the lines because there are some grammar mistakes. (woah- 45 line poem. not shabby)

Line 10 is awfully weird.

And your voice with its crisp accent and upon hearing it makes all physical pain go away, and makes one spirit's soar.

You don't need that and in the middle. You don't need that and either. Remember that poetry doesn't mean sentences put into a strange format. I'll try a paraphrase of this one line for example-

The sound of your voice, crisply accented- physical pains disappear, my spirit soars.

Now mind you, I'm not very good at poetry, but that's just an example of something you could do.

Line 13 - parallelism is lost with the previous line. also a diction error.

By offering your assistance to help,
Or to send gifts without except much in return.

By offering your assistance to help
Or by sending gifts without EXPECTING much in return.


Line 21- wow your chunsa's english must be much better than mine because I have no idea what "cordobian" means...

Line 33-34:

For I have never felt so much better
In a very long time.

Better than what? Better is a relative word. So good perhaps? In a very long time is nice, but hmm... it strikes me as odd for some reason. Can't place my finger on it.

Line 37: You'll want to capitalize the god to God - though there is a Korean pop group called g.o.d. = groove over-dose. xP

General Ideas to Work Upon:
The poem itself reads like a bunch of sentences put together rather than a poem. That's a style of poetry too, but I haven't seen it with love poems. Think more in terms of... song lyrics. Completion isn't necessary.

Everything you're saying is very sweet and all, but even for a love poem it's overly sweet. I'd say cutting some details out and providing visual imagery might be more powerful. For example, if I wanted to say that a girl was very kind to children - maybe I would say

"The way the cherub's eyes sparkle when they see you"

Instead of saying

"You are so kind to children
Never a harsh word
Always a gentle touch"

Also, use of "cherry blossom" and "eastern wind" make you sound like you have a fetish. =T

45 lines is nice and all, but I think if you can make a stream of visual images, maybe shorter, it would be much more powerful. But then the abstract is always good too. Just need to find a balance. I mean, you mention her beauty, but you talk a lot about others around her- you could describe a reaction to her rather than simply saying what she does.

That's all. I'm not that good, but that's my advice.


Korean Angel

1You’re a blessing from above.
2Nobody on this earth
3Can ever match your beauty.
4With your silky charcoal colored hair,
5Lightly tanned cinnamon skin,
6Deep mystical brown eyes that charm,
7Soft pillow like hands that are small, and graceful like the eastern wind,
8A smile that is brighter than ivory and as warm as the sun,
9Lips sweeter than any cherry blossom or wine,
10And your voice with its crisp accent and upon hearing it makes all physical pain go away, and makes one spirit's soar.



11You are considerate of others
12By offering your assistance to help,
13Or to send gifts without except much in return.
14Your charity is a rarity in this world,
15And you are not rash, nor hateful.
16Whenever people are around you
17They are happy, and feel comfortable
18As you do not hurt others
19For your own benefit, or gain.
20You are far more intelligent
21Than any cordobian scholar,
22And your dedication
23To things in your life is very admirable.
24For you put your best effort
25Into every task you perform.


26Yet I love you
27Oh fair Korean angel
28In far more ways
29That can ever be explained.
30So thank you for coming into my life,
31And you have shown me the light
32Not only spiritually, but physically
33For I have never felt so much better
34In a very long time.
35So I want to say
36I love you,
37And may god bring you
38To the path in life
39You deserve to tread upon,
40And find your true strength,
41And to also help those close to you
42Find their source of peace
43Inside their souls.

44For the world is forever blessed
45Due to your existence.