Pokema: thousands came, nine returned.

[rei-chan5]

Hi, I’m vampirepika, and this is my first fanfic. If I make mistakes, please point it out, but don’t be mean about it. The story I am writing is called Pokema. It’s based off of Anima if you’ve ever heard of it. The story takes place in the far- away Zonic region. Here is the story. Enjoy!

Pokema
Chapter 1
Conference call

It’s been three years since it happened. Everything is so different now, but I guess the best place to start a story is at the beginning.
It started at the Pokemon Center in my hometown of NeoPallet. When I walked through the front door around 9:00 p.m., I saw a crowd of other trainers like myself gathered around a poster. “What’s going on,” I asked the group. A girl with a Meowth turned around.
“There is going to be a trainer conference in Central City in exactly one week. Any trainer can come, as long as they have a least three Pokemon.They are going to crown the Zonic Top Trainer by having a tournament.,” She paused for a moment, “Hey! Why don’t we go together? It would be a lot safer than going alone.”
“Sounds like a plan,” I said.
“Great! Maybe we can get some others to go, too! Oh, by the way, my name’s Mina!”
“I’m Melanie”
“Can we come?” Mina and I turned around. Two girls were standing behind us. The older of the two spoke up.
“Hi, I’m Madeline.” Then the younger girl spoke.
“I’m Eva.”
Mina blurted out, “Sure you can come!”
“So, we leave tomorrow?”
Everyone agreed.
“See you in the morning,” I called after them. I rented a room and went to bed.



So, what do you think?

 

[White Len]

I really like how most fics can have very little description but still manage to convey the series's idea, which is usually good. Your story is as such. The idea (okay, fine, so I got it from the title) is good, very end-of-the-world-esque, but your description is lacking. What do our main characters look like? Where are they? A poster? Where is the poster? Why are they gathered around the poster? A conference? What's so special? When describing, think of "Who What When Where Why", and then answer five questions that you make from these five words.

I hate the anime. So, yeah, the grammar and description are really lacking, and I can't criticize the plot yet, so I'll just stick with giving you a score for Motif, Grammar and Description.

Score: 4/10 (Slightly below average)
Breakdown:

Spoiler

Motif: 6/10 (The idea is good.)
Spelling/Grammar: 3/10 (Missing punctuations here and there, as well as some spelling errors)
Description: 3/10 (Very lacking. But no description is better than bad description.)

 

[rei-chan5]

I'm only eleven and have a lot to learn, but I'll edit. Besides, I don't even know exactly what they look like.I might post some sprites once I figure it out.

 

[SSJ3_Raditz]

You should really make it a bit longer.

 

[rei-chan5]

You think so? I think I'll rewrite it and start a new thread. ugh. I'm not good at this...

 

[SalamenceCommander]

It's too early for me to criticize the story. Also, the plot seems poor so far. There are a lot of grammatical and spelling errors but I'm not going to point them out. What else? I expect more from you.