Pokemon: Battle of Aura

[TeamGalacticMercury]

(PG-13 for death and a little violence)

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 3.5
Chapter 4


Hello! This is my first fanfiction, so I would like criticism! Here it goes! This chapter is short, so do not expect a long essay.
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"Eleven years ago, a boy and a girl were born. They were destined to be heroes."
Chapter 1


"Wow! Aura Island is beautiful!" exclaims pokemon trainer Ash Ketchum in awe.
"Look over there! It's a bench! I think we should rest. I'm famished!"
"I agree Dawn! Let's eat!" said Brock.
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"Hey! That's not fair! You're stronger than me!"
"You're quicker than me! So there!"
"Stop bickering! You're suppose to be training! Anyway Fire, you know how to get Aurox off."
"He said I can't use my aura! He knows that this is the only way he'll win in a battle!" yelled Fire.
"Fine. Anyway, you can just roll over and throw him off. Right lucario?"
"Yes master."
"Ouch! Come back! I'm not finished with you just yet!" said an aggravated Aurox.
"Come and get me! That is, If you aren't scared!' mocked Fire in a quick retort.
"Just cut some corners and you catch up alittle bit"
"Good idea!"
Suddenly, the arcanine named Fire stopped.
"You want me so badly, then come and get me!" she said maliciously with her back turned toward Aurox.
"Oh, you are so going to regret that move tomorrow!"
All of a sudden, Fire glowed with an fiery-red light and turned back into a young, eleven-year-old girl. She spun around so quickly that Aurox couldn't stop. Two spheres of fiery-red light shot out of her palms, one right after another. One of the spheres hit Aurox, but the other missed...
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"Brock, that soup was awesome!" exclaimed Ash, wiping his face on his shirt.
"Pika-pi!" Ash's partner pikachu agreed.
Just as they were about to head into town, Ash paused. When Brock and dawn turned around, they saw why. A fiery-red globe was flying straight at Ash! Luckily, Ash's quick reactions helped him dodge the mysterious sphere, which hit a stout and faded.
"Ash, are you okay?" asked Dawn in a worried tone while rushing over to him.
"Yeah, I'm fine. What was that?" he asked, obviously shaken.
"I think it was an aura sphere." answered Brock.
"A red one? Wow! The pokemon who created it must be powerful!" Dawn exclaimed excitedly.
"Let's go find where it came from!" insisted Ash.
"Yeah!"
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Well? Did you like it? Please tell me where I can improve! Thank you!

 

[Badal]

Its good
It seems like you've put thought into what you are going to do next. I suppose it is going to come out well but the way you've written the first chapter, it looks a bit patchy so i suppose that you should connect the stories.. but then later when you write the next few chapters, it will come out well connected

 

[Dopey]

Good for a first timer, interesting story, hope it'll improve over the chapters.

 

[TeamGalacticMercury]

Thank you! The character's stories will develop in the story.

 

[Badal]

Ya..
cool
Just vm me or pm me when your next chapter is uploaded because i am interested in the story
Thanks

 

[PlatinumDude]

I like it!

When will you have the next chapter up?

 

[TeamGalacticMercury]

Maybe tomorrow, maybe Monday.

 

[Aladar]

I'll skip the annoyed sighs and exclamations and get down to business...

Your story lacks description. No, wait, description does not exist in your story. Even if I let Ash, Dawn and Brock's descriptions (or lack thereof) get past the radar, we all know how they do like after all, there's still no description of this Aura Island, the surrounding area, the Pokemon or the OCs. Nothing. Heck, the reader doesn't know what to imagine- is is a tropical island, tourist resort, volcano island, jungle? What's the weather- is it raining or sunny?

And then there's spacing- don't carm the text into one, double-space it. And your jumping from scene to scene is confusing as well. When you "jump" from one scene to another add some intro, something. Don't just throw us into the middle of the "action".

"Wow! Aura Island is beautiful!" exclaimed pokemon trainer Ash Ketchum in awe.
"Look over there! It's a bench! I think we should rest. I'm famished!"
"I agree Dawn! Let's eat!" said Brock.

And at least get your tenses straight.You're grammar and punctuation need some work as well.

Also, your fic is ridiculously short- two pages and a half on Word are the minimum, s'far as I can remember. Heck, this review is probably longer than your chap. Don't rush the chapters- a new chap "tomorrow or on Monday"?! What, you write them in the quick reply box or something? Take your time, write a little bit today, a little bit tomorrow and so on. And check what you've done the previous time you wrote when you start writing again. Proofread and add something to the story. My last writer's block was two months before I could write a chap was satisfied with it. Even the fastest updaters here take around two weeks for a decent chap.

And I haven't even started on the plot yet.

You just throw us in the "story"- why are the gang on Aura Island, when exactly in the timeline does it take place, where's the island? Who's your OCs? Your "writing style" is so jumbled I can't even get who's who when your OCs talk. Hokay, let's see this OC now...

Her name is the same as your username (I wonder why). She has Aura powers (never would've thought of that) a Lucario (how original) and is an Arcanine pokemorph (what the Johto?!).

"Eleven years ago, a boy and a girl were born. They were destined to be heroes."

You're... I mean she's Ash's long lost sister, no? Or she'll be his lover. Or both. Most serious writers can guess you whole future plot probably. Or at least the main plotline after a chap or two.

Google "Mary Sue". Oh, and try one of the litmus tests.

I know that after the previous positive "reviews" you'd be offended and put me on your black list but I'm just realistical. You yourself asked for criticism. I'm not telling you to stop writing, quite the contrary- I'll be glad to see at least one of the newbie writers listen to some advice, be it harsh or not, and improve his/her writing. My advice: read. Read a lot. Books, fics, whatever. You need to see how a good fic is done and you need to get to know what cliches and tropes are not recommendable if not done right.

 

[TeamGalacticMercury]

Thank you Aladar! This is the criticism that I need as a writer! Thank you for pointing those things out to me. I meant for the story to be patchy in the beginning so that I could fill the story in as the story sailed along. I never thought about why they were there! When I go to edit the chapter, I will tell why they were there and so forth. The character has nothing to do with my name, and so it is a name that I thought would fit well in the story. I started writing the story here and there before I joined this site. The reader would have to have some prior knowledge before reading this, as I intended. As far as the grammatical problems, I simply have not gotten that far in english or it was a simple mistake on my part. This is only the first chapter of many, and I apologize for it being so short. The others should be longer if everything goes as planned. Like I said before, I am a first-time writer and I have not yet gotten into jr. high school. Ash has never met Fire, and I doubt he will ever see her again aside from this story. She is not Ash's sister by any means. The pokemon are the same pokemon from Sinnoh, and the region known as "Whinnea" is a more of a grassland region that is covered by vast plains in the summer, which is the currant season, and snow plains in the winter. I hoped that I filled some of the cracks for you and hope you follow the story as it voyages along! Thank you for the criticism and hope you have a nice day!
-Fire(not the one from the story)

 

[TPJerematic]

Aldar summed up my thoughts ... entirely

But to add my own ... what is going on? I couldn't make head or tail of it.

 

[TeamGalacticMercury]

Here we go! This is the longer chapter 2! Like before, criticism.
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"Hey! What was that for!?!" exclaimed Aurox, surprised at what had just happened.
"It's called 'self defense'!" responded Fire in an angry tone.
"Whoa! Cool down Fire! What is up with you?" said Aaron in defense of his long time colleague and friend.
"Cool down?!? You want me to cool down!?! Fire exclaimed, growing angrier by the second.
All of a sudden, Fire took off into the woods where our heroes lie. Aaron and Aurox called after her, but she was too angry to listen to their calls, let alone respond.
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Meanwhile, Our friends Team Rocket was sailing in the sky in their meowth-shaped hot air balloon. They watched the landscape pass by in awe.
"A perfect pokemon paradise!" exclaimed Jesse and James's partner, Meowth.
"Why did we have to spend all our money on a new balloon, instead of something to eat" asked James between the noises his stomach was making in objection to being empty.
"Do I have to explain our objectives again?" answered a weary Jesse.
"No." James already knew what the answer was going to be. Capture pikachu and any other powerful, rare, or useful pokemon and deliver it to their boss.
"Hey James. is it true 'dat 'dose Aura Guardians live here?" asked Meowth.
"Yeah. Why?"
"We'll need to watch for them so that they can't interfere in any plans we might have!" Jesse said.
"Yeah!"
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"How could they expect me to get pummeled? What was going through their heads?" Fire thought to herself. She was still mad because of what Aaron had said. She was sitting quietly sitting on a tree stump in the sun, gazing at the forest pokemon playing tag. She had let her partner growlithe (who was sleeping in the sun) out of her pokeball.
"Why would they betray me like that??"
All of a sudden, she heard a twig snap. Someone was headed in her direction. Her growlithe heard it too, because she quickly got up and moved in front of Fire in preparation of a battle.
"Who's there? Come out into the sunlight where we can see you!"
There was no answer to her command.
"Oh, So you want to be found that way! Okay then, growlithe, use tackle!"
"Ouch! Pikachu, use volt tackle on that growlithe!" yelped Ash.
"Growlithe, return!" Fire commanded as she sprung out of the way of pikachu.
"Why did you attack me!?" asked Ash.
"You crept up on me! That's what you get!"
"STOP ARGUING!" yelled Aurox over the bickering trainers.
"So, Fire, you found trespassers." Aaron said calmly.
"Why do you care?!" said Fire angrily.
"Who do you think you are by asking why we are here? This isn't your land!" retorted Ash.
"Sorry, this is our land. We own it for training purposes. We are Top Aura Guardians. My name is Aaron, and this is Aurox, Fire, and my lucario."
"I can introduce myself!" Fire exclaimed.
"Sir Aaron and his lucario are dead." Ash said blankly.
"Aura Guardians do not die from using substantial amounts of auric energy. They just slip into a type of meditative state." Fire explained.
"Anyway, might I ask who you are?" asked Aaron.
"I'm Ash, and this is my partner pikachu, Dawn, and Brock. I am training to be a pokemon master, while Dawn is going to be a top coordinator, and Brock is going to be a top breeder."
"You all dream pretty big." said Fire in a hushed voice.
"Wow! This place is amazing! It's a paradise! I've got to tell my mom!" said Dawn.
"No! You mustn't tell her! If people knew about this place and knew how tranquil it was then It would not be safe to train here anymore! This place is our home, our sanctuary, our Shangri-la, whatever you want to call it. There is no other place we could train like this without being disturbed. You must not tell anyone!" squeaked Fire.
"We won't tell anyone without your permission."
"Thank you." Fire said gratefully.
"Sorry to break up your little party, but we really should return home. You will have to come with us, for the night at least." said Aaron.
"Thanks!"
And so they were off, headed toward the heart of the mysterious island, to Aura Hall...
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Well? What did you think? Please criticize! Hope to get the next chapter before the week ends. Thanks!

 

[Black_Lightning]

It was good, but you need to put a little more detail. Like what did Fire's human form look like, the attack and so on so forth, and what does the attack do.

 

[TeamGalacticMercury]

I'll work on that thanks!

 

[Blaah]

Is Fire's human form the girl shown in your sig?(Just checking) And btw I can see you improve every time you post a new chapter.

 

[Aladar]

Well, it is lenghtier but I don't see improvement in other areas...sadly. Oh, and Aaron's back from the dead after it was stated in canon he was gone? Adios? Sayonara? Besides, Lucario should know Ash if it's the one from movie 8.

 

[Badal]

It was a bit better than the previous one but as Aladar mentioned Lucario should have known Ash. Also this was a bit too quick (the Ash meeting Fire) I would have thought or expected them to take a few chapters to meet each other. Apart from that you should include the real-life (anime) characteristics and personalities of Ash and Dawn. This is not written in criticism but in a manner to help you improve.

 

[Aladar]

This is not written in criticism but in a manner to help you improve.

Actually, pointing out the flaws and giving advice to the author on how to improve is criticism. If you just say it's bad or just why do you think it is bad without giving advice, that's close to bashing.

New writers should realise that if someone criticises their fic, they are not doing it to be mean. Everyone is criticised even the real pros.

 

[TeamGalacticMercury]

Thank you! I have my reasons for what I did. I hope it was a little better.

 

[Scarlet Devil]

Hm... my thoughts on this is... More Description please~
For example, when introducing a character, a physicial description could be needed, so readers could get an idea on how he/she looks.
That's all I have to say <.<
All in all, it's pretty good

 

[TeamGalacticMercury]

Okay more description. *jotting down notes*