EVERYONE: - Complete Pokémon: Invasion

[Elixir]

I'm a published author, currently in graduate school, and I've been writing some fanfiction just for fun when I get writer's block. This story is the result. It is rated Teen pre-emptively (there is currently no teen-rated content, but there likely will be; I'll update this post with appropriate content warnings if so).

Pokémon: Invasion​

1. Ruins of Alph

Call me Theo. When I was a child, I saw the legendary Pokémon Raikou. It was nothing as dramatic as you would expect. I was exploring the tall grass in the Ilex Forest near my home, as I so often did; it was the middle of summer, and a bead of sweat dripped down my spine as I looked into its eyes. Raikou is enormous. The picture books don’t do it justice: bristly golden fur and glowing red eyes. I immediately recalled the stories – the legends that told of Raikou’s origins from the ashes of the Brass Tower. It is said to embody the lightning that struck the tower and burned it to the ground. I started to cry out of fear. The Pokémon just looked at me and walked away. Its footsteps were dull thuds against the ground.

Truth be told, since that day I’ve always wanted to be a Pokémon trainer. But, I knew my talents lie elsewhere. Many years after that encounter with the legendary Pokémon, I went on to become a Pokémon scholar. My doctoral thesis focused on Pokémon language and communication. That’s how I found myself back in Johto after spending some time at a university in Sinnoh.

***​

It was early fall, and the trees surrounding the Ruins of Alph were just turning the colors of fire, a precipice between living and dying. My Porygon-Z, who I just call Z for short, lazily floated in a circular orbit around me. We were standing at the entrance of the Ruins under a stone arch.

“Well, Z?”

Z swiveled to stare at me with its yellow eyes. Most Pokémon don’t speak, but since Z is really just a computer program given life as a Pokémon, I’ve been able to install language on it. Its voice, albeit electronic and somewhat stilted, was surprisingly expressive: “The weather is so nice outside… And it’s dark in there…”

“You can see in the dark, Z. But, speaking of that, please turn on flashlight mode.”

Z whirred in protest, but said nothing more. Two beams of light projected from its eyes into the darkness of the ruins. I stepped inside and ran my hand along the stone wall with green moss creeping up its side. Symbols, which researchers have identified as being analogous to the mysterious Pokémon Unown, were engraved on the wall. But it wasn’t the engraved symbols that had drawn me here; other researchers had managed to decode their meaning. Rather, it was the strange electromagnetic interference some Pokémon trainers had reported on their PokéGear radio function that interested me.

“Turn on radio mode. Let’s find the source of the interference.”

“Roger, roger…”

A strange, harmonious melody began to play through Z’s speakers. It would haunt me for some time to come, though I couldn’t explain why.

***​

I had worked in the Ruins of Alph for a week before I saw one. Unown are small Pokémon, varying in shape but mostly circular. I learned quickly that they like to float together in groups. Noise scares them, so I would often find myself sitting silently in the Ruins, being as still as possible so I would be able to observe them.

Every day I returned to the Ruins. I began to hear the repetitive melody – soft, flute-like – in my dreams. Eventually, the Unown habituated to my presence, becoming less reserved. The project was going well – with Z’s invaluable help, I was developing a PokéGear app that would be able to translate the Unown interference into language.

One particularly bold Unown, whose body took the shape of a question mark, seemed to become friendly. It floated around me. At first, being so close to it made me feel light-headed, kind of dizzy. I’ve heard that Unown have the power to create delusions when combined in groups. But I got used to it, like everything else; maybe I developed some kind of resistance to it.

***​

The project finished up after about a month. I would have liked to work there longer, but Silph Co. grant money was only funding me for a month-long investigation. On my final day at the Ruins of Alph, I stepped into the stone chambers to discover neon orange spray paint defacing the wall with the inscriptions on it.

Question Mark floated up to me, doing a twirl in mid-air.

“What happened?” I asked, feeling as if my stomach was twisted in a knot. “I was just here yesterday…”

Suddenly, I had a vision – an image placed into my mind, and I was sure that Question Mark had put it there.

A large group of Unown, floating, close together, as they always do. Footsteps approach. The Unown don’t move for a few moments – thinking, presumably, that it’s just Theo. But it’s not Theo. It’s a man with red hair, and he’s shaking the bottle of spray paint – clang! clang! – and he’s ordering his Houndoom to use Fire Spin, and then everything is caught in the whirl of flames and spray paint fumes. Most of the Unown are captured and taken away.

“I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what else to say. Question Mark blinked, looking somehow saddened, and floated away.

I left the Ruins of Alph, and returned to Sinnoh the next morning, feeling a heavy weight of guilt in my chest.

***​

My dissertation went well, and I became Dr. Theodore Collins. When I did, I returned to Johto for good, to my home in Azalea Town. I didn’t know what awaited me there, but I felt it was where I wanted to be – close to my roots.

I thought of the Unown often; I saw them floating in the space of my dreams, and sometimes the interference would pop back into my head, as if it were a particularly catchy tune I’d heard on the radio.

But it was about a year later, at a research conference in Olivine City, that the first clue to solving the catastrophe of their disappearance emerged…

 

[canisaries]

You have an interesting start to a story here! The Unown and Ruins of Alph have always had great story potential.

I do have some criticisms, though. One's about the tenses used. For an overwhelming majority of the chapter, the past tense is used, but there are some parts that use the present ("Raikou is enormous", "But, I knew my talents lie elsewhere" and then some "have done" -type structures, which are typically used with the present tense). I get that the parts using the present tense do refer to things that are still the same in the present, but the end of this chapter seems to refer to the rest of the story as happening in the past as well. Is the present going to be reached during the rest of the story or will it all happen in the past? In the latter case, it may be a bit clearer to just stick with past tense for everything.

There's also something I find odd in the order things are mentioned. This could just be my personal stylistic preference talking, but I've always felt that it's better to form sentences so that they express things in chronological order. For example, the sentence "I started to cry out of fear" introduces the crying before it introduces the fear, while the fear is actually what led to the crying. One optional way to express this would be "Terrified, I started crying". Also, the exposition on why Z is able to talk could have come after its first line of dialogue. That's not necessarily chronologically based, but I think it's more dynamic to first have something happen and then explain it afterwards rather than the other way around.

The scene with Raikou in the beginning is powerful and gripping. However, the rest of the chapter could possibly have more emotion in it. There are parts that do have it ("I asked, feeling as if my stomach was twisted in a knot", "feeling a heavy weight of guilt in my chest"), but we could have heard more about how the ruins and the Unown made him feel. Excited, spooked, anxious, anything like that.

I liked the part where the Unown gave the protagonist the vision. It's built from individual observations and feels pretty stream-of-thought, fitting for a monster not really understanding what's going on.

I also like the description of autumn foliage as being "colors of fire". It's vivid but subtle.

If you want elaboration on any of my points, feel free to ask.

 

[Elixir]

2. Johto Pokémon Research Conference

The Johto Pokémon Research Conference, JPRC for short, is held every year in Olivine City. At the Olivine Café – which at this time of year is packed full of scholars, rather than sailors – I see Prof. Elm, chair of the committee, rummaging through papers in his briefcase. A steaming cup of tea sits unattended at his table. He is a tall, bewildered-looking fellow, with half-rimmed spectacles sitting crookedly on the bridge of his nose. His Aipom balances on his shoulder, gripping a laser pointer in its tail.

“Oh, where did it go…?”

Looks like I’m in luck. “You aren’t looking for this, are you?” I ask. I hold up an unmarked disc in a clear plastic case; the case is slightly battered, but still in once piece.

Prof. Elm glances up, then back down at his briefcase, then back up again. “Yes!” he exclaims. “That’s my presentation!”

“I found it on the ground outside,” I say, offering him the disc. Aipom grabs it with its tail. It grins at me.

“Oh, my… thanks! You’re Theodore Collins, right?”

I nod. Aipom places the disc into the professor’s bag.

“There’s an interesting presentation I think you should see,” he says.

***​

The poster hall is full of people. Most of them are Pokémon scholars, though Pokémon Studies is a broad discipline indeed. I push through a crowd admiring a poster presentation on the topic of evolution (particularly, how Pokémon are able to prevent evolution if they don’t wish to evolve) from Prof. Sycamore’s lab in Kalos.

The poster next to it, near the center of the poster hall, hasn’t attracted too many people. I immediately notice the researcher presenting it is from Hoenn; specifically, from the Mossdeep Space Center. Prof. Elm stops in front of it and waves me over.

The presenter is a young woman with short medium-brown hair, which is pinned back in a retro style. She opens her mouth to speak, but before a sound can be produced, Dr. Elm is speaking.

“I came across this work thanks to my habit of walking through the poster hall. You see—“

“I work in Mossdeep Space Center,” says the woman, interrupting Prof. Elm’s soliloquy. She smiles at me. “One of the satellites we sent into outer space has received a mysterious signal that we believe may be coming from extraterrestrial Pokémon. And the signal is getting stronger over time.”

I nod. “So… does that mean, the Pokémon are getting closer?” It seems plausible enough. Pokémon are everywhere – why not outer space?

“Theodore is an expert on Pokémon communication,” explains Prof. Elm, before the woman can respond. “He’s done groundbreaking work with the Unown at the Ruins of Alph—“

“Call me Theo,” I interject.

“Dr. Madeline Sparrow. Maddie, for short. Yes, one explanation is that the Pokémon, or group of Pokémon, who are the origin of the signal are getting closer…”

Prof. Elm blinks, looking in turn at the two of us. “Well… uh… I’ll just be… over there.” He wanders away into the crowd, looking over his shoulder surreptitiously as he does so.

“Can I hear the signal?”

“Sure.” Dr. Sparrow grabs a small laptop computer from her bag. As she is powering it on (it hums to life with a humble whirring), she says, “What do Unown communications sound like, by the way?”

A scrambled signal starts playing from her laptop. It hits a certain note… like…

“Like that,” I say, and kneel down closer to the speakers, my mouth hanging open in disbelief. “Definitely. This has to be coming from the Unown…”

A sinking feeling in my chest; I know that there is something awry here, that this has something to do with the poached Unown from the Ruins of Alph. But I can’t explain why I think that, and I don’t have the evidence to explain it to Dr. Sparrow. “There’s something… off, about it. It’s not right.”

“Can I hear your field recordings?” she asks, quickly shutting her laptop and moving to stow it in her bag. The green lights on the side of the device flicker to orange, and then cut to black.

“Yeah, they’re on my laptop, in the hotel…”

“Great, let’s get out of here. I think we have a lot to discuss.”

She seems excited; of course, she has no reason to feel alarmed by the news. We could be on the verge of a great a discovery.

***​

I swing open the door to my hotel room. My laptop is still on, thrown onto my bed. The angled sunlight of late afternoon filters through the window. “E-mail me the outer space signal, please.” I kneel beside my bed to use the laptop.

Maddie places her laptop on the desk and powers on. “You’re an expert in these communications?”

“Yes. It’s not fully published yet, but I believe I can translate them, to some extent. I have spent a good deal of time living among the Unown… their language has particular patterns, as ours does. Though I doubt we as humans will ever understand the full extent of it, due to its partially psychic nature…”

Ding! Email from Dr. Madeline Sparrow. I click it open and load it into my translation program. “This may take some time,” I explain.

“I’ll wait,” she says, sitting sideways in the desk chair.

***​

It’s dark by the time I’ve finished replaying, segmenting, and analyzing each segment of the recording.

“There are some words I can’t translate,” I explain to Maddie, who is drinking an espresso. “But it appears to be something like – a warning.”

Maddie frowns. “A warning for what?”

“Something like – well, I believe it says something like we are coming.” There’s a pause. Silence. “Coming as in, arriving, presumably to Earth.”

“I know what that means,” says Maddie. “Oh, my god…” There’s another beat of silence. “Well… what do we do? We should tell someone!”

“Not just anyone. We don’t want to cause a panic.” I reach for the conference schedule sitting on the dresser. The Silph Co. booth is closed, but will be open tomorrow morning at 9 AM. “Silph Co. representatives, maybe?” I say, and then explain, “They’ve got ties to the government, plus the ability to fund research.”

Maddie nods. “Tomorrow morning, then…”

 

[Beth Pavell]

I could have sworn I'd commented before, but anyway:

Technical Accuracy/Style
Nothing major to pick on, actually, at least in Chapter One. Capitalisation is always a thorny issue in Pokémon fanfiction. There's no getting around the fact that in all the official media species names and the like are routinely capitalised. I think it makes more sense in-universe that they wouldn't be, in much the same way that organisms in our world aren't. Either way, it's really a matter of taste.

Small nit-pick - the sort you only really make when there's little else to comment on -

Setting
It's pitched just right in Chapter One, given the snappiness of the action. Part of me wonders, in hindsight, if the Ruins of Alph couldn't have been given a bit more attention. This is mainly in light of Chapter Two, which I felt was too sparse. It does exactly enough to give the events context and nothing more.

Plot/Characters
I enjoyed the Theo's voice - it's certainly among the most believable I've read for some time, especially among the scientist characters. In short, he has enough verisimilitude to sound like a scientist. People tend to try and write scientists as being too intellectual, I think.

The pace of the story reminds me somewhat of the commercial short story. I think, on reflection, that for a serial it comes across as laconic. I certainly don't feel very invested in the plot - by the end of Chapter Two we have a big "Oh my god" moment and I can't say I'm bothered by it. The sparseness of the setting is partly to blame for it, I think, but there's also the issue that there aren't really any emotional stakes here. We don't really know Theo, or Maddie, and the fate of the world isn't something you can immediately feel attached to.

Final Thoughts
But despite my reservations, it's a story with a decent amount of care. Perhaps it would leave a different impression read in a couple of sittings, as opposed to serially.

 

[Silktree]

It's an intriguing story. I am not too interested in Theo right now, especially since he left for Sinnoh right after the incident. But if he can offer more insights on the Unown and save them, he will definitely gain my respect. I just hope that Arceus isn't involved.

 

[diamondpearl876]

Hi, there! I don't think I've seen you much outside this fic - I love new faces! So let's dive right into this...

Truth be told, since that day I’ve always wanted to be a Pokémon trainer. But, I knew my talents lie elsewhere. Many years after that encounter with the legendary Pokémon, I went on to become a Pokémon scholar. My doctoral thesis focused on Pokémon language and communication. That’s how I found myself back in Johto after spending some time at a university in Sinnoh.

I want to know more about Theo here! What abut the raikou incident made him want to become a Pokemon trainer? Was he scared but fascinated, so he wanted to learn more about them? That's the impression I get from later scenes since he hangs out with the unown - which are also kind scary but fascinating in their own way. Or was it something else entirely? Also, why Pokemon language and communication in particular? As a past speech pathology student, I can say the topic has a ton of potential. ^^ As an idea, maybe Theo tried talking to the raikou but couldn't quite make out what it said to him, and from that day forward he wanted to learn about Pokemon language in general...?

It was early fall, and the trees surrounding the Ruins of Alph were just turning the colors of fire, a precipice between living and dying.

Pretty description here with an emotional flare to it... In general, you've got a really nice writing style, and I'm looking forward to what you've got in store for us in future chapters.

A strange, harmonious melody began to play through Z’s speakers. It would haunt me for some time to come, though I couldn’t explain why.

I mean, an electronic-based Pokemon with a robot voice as my main companion would haunt me too.

I nod. “So… does that mean, the Pokémon are getting closer?” It seems plausible enough. Pokémon are everywhere – why not outer space?

Theo gets it. A lot of the time I see real life spill over into the Pokemon world in fanfic to the point where things like outer space and magic and ghosts and the like are still viewed as weird even though, well, Pokemon takes advantage of a lot of ideas viewed as weird and fantastical in real life. Basically, I think you've got a good grasp of believability in here when it comes to worldbuilding.

She seems excited; of course, she has no reason to feel alarmed by the news. We could be on the verge of a great a discovery.

Research is hard when you've got personal stakes in it... I imagine Theo'll feel conflicted on a lot of levels, whatever he finds.

I have spent a good deal of time living among the Unown… their language has particular patterns, as ours does.

Did you mean visiting or living? I got the impression he just visited them, but living among the unown raises a lot of questions I'd want to hear know about.

Hope to see more of this soon!