Pokemon MD: Explorers of Dawn/Dusk

[Pidgeot]

'This is on my blog, but I thought I could put it on here as well. Anyway, enjoy.'
KABOOM! An explosion wrecked the world. A crack in space let one boy in… but no one could get out. This was in the land of
Pokemon
Mystery Dungeon:
Explorers of Dawn&Dusk
Chapter One
My name is Tommy
‘One…Two…Three…Four-let the guild begin it’s work!’ the guild’s pokemon shouted at the top of their voices.

‘Okay, Okay. Calm down everyone. I have had reports of a hassle in the forest from here. I would like a single pokemon to go and investigate.’ the leader, Lucario said.

‘Ummm…ummm…Mr.Lucario? Should I go?’ a shy Turtwig said. ‘And if there’s a pokemon in danger, he could join the guild.’

‘Ok. That’s settled. Turtwig, head to the forest.’ Turtwig ran to the forest. ‘Now guild. Your missions today…’

So off Turtwig went. He set off to the forest. But then…a tail grabbed Turtwig! ‘Waah!? Get off me!! Oh, its only you, Chimeco.’

Chimeco was the cook and Lucario’s assistant. ‘You forget this’ Chimeco gave Turtwig a level meter. ‘As you’re only lv.5, you better know what level you are.’

‘Thanks, Chimeco. Well, I better head off. Thanks!’
…………………………………………�� �…………………………………………� ��……………………………………
‘*gasp* Where am I?’ Tommy twisted and turned. Who jumped up… and discoverec he was a pokemon! His hand-tail swung up, scaring him to death. ‘WHAT? I’M AN AIPOM!!! AN AIPOM!!!’

Turtwig could hear Tommy. ‘Don’t worry! I’ll save ya!’ He ran to the middle of the forest. Tommy was sitting there, flabbergasted. ‘Hi! I’m Turtwig!’

Tommy ran up the tree. ‘What? You’re a pokemon as well? Omigosh…’ Tommy ran down to Turtwig. ‘But…I was a human!!!’

‘Hahaha! So ya said you were a human? You’re funny!!!!’

‘Omg. You don’t believe me!!!’

Next time….Chapter Two: Where am I?

 

[Pidgeot]

Sorry! My EoDD fanfic should be on this thread, as I've had so many complaints. I have put Chaps1-5 together into Part 1. Part 1 is named: Just Beginning. I will continue to put new chapters on my blog, but every time I get to another 5 chapters I shall put them on here. Enjoy!

Part1: Just Beginning

KABOOM! An explosion wrecked the world. A crack in space let one boy in… but no one could get out. This was in the land of
Pokemon
Mystery Dungeon:
Explorers of Dawn&Dusk
Chapter One
My name is Tommy
‘One…Two…Three…Four-let the guild begin it’s work!’ the guild’s pokemon shouted at the top of their voices.

‘Okay, Okay. Calm down everyone. I have had reports of a hassle in the forest from here. I would like a single pokemon to go and investigate.’ the leader, Lucario said.

‘Ummm…ummm…Mr.Lucario? Should I go?’ a shy Turtwig said. ‘And if there’s a pokemon in danger, he could join the guild.’

‘Ok. That’s settled. Turtwig, head to the forest.’ Turtwig ran to the forest. ‘Now guild. Your missions today…’

So off Turtwig went. He set off to the forest. But then…a tail grabbed Turtwig! ‘Waah!? Get off me!! Oh, its only you, Chimeco.’

Chimeco was the cook and Lucario’s assistant. ‘You forget this’ Chimeco gave Turtwig a level meter. ‘As you’re only lv.5, you better know what level you are.’

‘Thanks, Chimeco. Well, I better head off. Thanks!’
…………………………………………�� �…………………………………………� ��……………………………………
‘*gasp* Where am I?’ Tommy twisted and turned. Who jumped up… and discovered he was a pokemon! His hand-tail swung up, scaring him to death. ‘WHAT? I’M AN AIPOM!!! AN AIPOM!!!’

Turtwig could hear Tommy. ‘Don’t worry! I’ll save ya!’ He ran to the middle of the forest. Tommy was sitting there, flabbergasted. ‘Hi! I’m Turtwig!’

Tommy ran up the tree. ‘What? You’re a pokemon as well? Omigosh…’ Tommy ran down to Turtwig. ‘But…I was a human!!!’

‘Hahaha! So ya said you were a human? You’re funny!!!!’

‘Omg. You don’t believe me!!!’

Next time….Chapter Two: Where am I?
Chapter Two
Where am I?

‘Ok, ok. So, we all turned into pokemon, right? But….how???’

‘Huh? I don’t know what you’re talking about. Hahaha! We’ve been pokemon all our life! Anyway, what was your name? I’m Turtwig.’

‘Huh? What? Oh, my name. Ummm….Tommy! My names Tommy.’

Turtwig started walking with Tommy down the path. ‘I guess you’re wondering where you are. You’re in the pokemon world. You see, down there is a guild. What we do is work together to complete missions. They range from very easy to near impossible.’

‘But why? Whats the point?’

‘Well…’ Turtwig started, ‘We do it to help pokemon in danger. Pokemon kidnapped, pokemon escorted…anything. And we go on explorations as well. We go to find treasure. And if we come back sucessfully, we get money. But it’s only 90%!!! Say we get £10, it turns into £1!!! Now, what is the point. So, do you want to make a team with me???’

‘Hmmmm……let me…’

‘Hah! You’ll never answer to that!’ a mysterious voice said.

‘Yesssssssssss. That’ssss right!’ another voice said.

‘Who are you?’ Turtwig asked.

Next time…. Chapter Three:Team Grunt
Chapter Three:
Team Grunt

‘Who are you’ Turtwig asked.

‘What? You don’t even know our names? We’re Team Grunt! And we’re here to say- if you can’t get rid of us now, you’ve a gotta long way go! Zangoose! Seviper!’

‘Huh?’ Tommy started, ‘Who on earth is Team Grunt?’

‘What!?’ Zangoose ran up to Tommy, grabbing him by the tail.
‘Hey! Leave my best friend alone.’ Tommy gasped. ‘You will not do this!!! Razor leaf!’ Turtwig’s razor leaf struck Seviper’s neck.

‘Aaagh!You better be careful, kid. We could kill ya in one clean shot!!! You ssee, we’re worth £1,000,000. If sssomeone finds us, they will get it.’

‘Yep. He’s right. But that’s only if we don’t kill you first.’ Zangoose dropped Tommy,‘Ooh, look at this.’ Zangoose played with Turtwig’s amulet, and pulled it off. ‘Oooh. I’ve got ya amulet!!!’

‘HEY!!! Give that back!!! That’s my grandpa’s memento!!!’

‘Oh yeh? Well we’ve got now. Zangoossssse, we betta summon Ralts.’ Zangoose nodded his head. ‘Okeydokey. I sssssummon…RALTSSSS!’

There was an explosion, then Ralts appeared. ‘Ralts! Teleport us!!!’

‘I obey your orders.’ V…ZOOM!!! Ralts and Team Grunt disappeared.

‘Umm, Turtwig? Didn’t they have your amulet?’

‘NOOOOOOO!!!’

Next time: Chapter four-The Amulet’s Powers
Chapter Four:
The Amulet’s Powers

Team Grunt were now running through the woods, trying to get away from Tommy and Turtwig. ‘I don’t want to be with you guys anymore. You’re too mean.’ the soft spoken Ralts said.

‘What? You’re the one who lets us escape properly!! You can’t you leave!!’

‘Yessss, Zangoooossse isss right. You can’t leave!!’

‘I must leave. Goodbye.’ Ralts suddenly disappeared.

‘Ummm…. how are we gonna escape?’

‘*gulp* Lets run for our lives!!’

Turtwig started crying. ‘Useless, I am! Totally useless! How I am ever going to get it back!!!’

There was a rustle in the woods. ‘Turtwig, look! It’s Zangoose and Seviper. We’ll get there if will go down that slope!’

Tommy and Turtwig went down the slope. ‘There you are! We’re gonna *sniif* get my amulet back from you guys!’

‘Oh yeh? You’ll have to beat us!’

‘Right. Then me and Turtwig will do just that!’

‘Hah! Poison tail’ Just when the tail was gonna strike Tommy, he jumped out of the way.

‘Slash!’

Will Zangoose’s slash cut Turtwig, or will it miss? Find out next time!

Next time: Chapter five-Will They Return!?
Chapter Five:
Will They Return?

‘Slash!’ Zangoose slashed Turtwig, and just then, Turtwig jumped back because of the recoil.

‘Hah! You missed, Zangoose! Now, you have to be prepared!!! Face my razor leaf!’ Turtwig’s razor leaf struck Zangoose, you fell on the floor.

‘ZZZANGOOSE! WHAT’S HAPPENED TO YOU?’ Seviper rushed over to Zangoose. ‘Are you okay? Breath, my friend!!! Breath!!’

‘Cough! Seviper, I’m not dead!!! Get a grip! And now Turtwig, you’re to fast. So I’m going to focus on you, Tommy! Seviper!?’

‘Yes, master. Poison sting!’ Stings struck from Seviper’s mouth.

But Tommy got hit! ‘Ouch. But I’ve got the best idea. Turtwig is my best friend. I would never, ever let him down. I’ve got a strong attack up my sleeve. Noone could guess what I’m going to do. Even I don’t know what to do. But theres one thing that has to be done. You know when you used that Razor Leaf, Turtwig?’ Turtwig nodded. ‘Well, you use that on Zangoose, and then I will use *whisperwhisper*. Right?’

‘Right.’

‘Get ready, Team Grunt. We’re coming at you. Five…four…’

‘Gaagh! Zangoose, we have to “three…” get ready to “two” or we’ll-’

‘ONE!!!’ Tommy and Turtwig shouted, ‘Razor Leaf! Swift!’

‘GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGH!!!??? Run away!’ Seviper and Zangoose started running away, throwing the amulet back.

‘Hmm..’ Turtwig grabbed his amulet. ‘I don’t think they’ll ever return.’

Next time…

 

[ShinjiLover]

All right, I'm going to review the first chapter first since it's so short. . -_-"

KABOOM! An explosion wrecked the world. A crack in space let one boy in… but no one could get out. This was in the land of
Pokemon
Mystery Dungeon:

Is this supposed to be a prologue or something? If so, it should definitely have more description to it. . And not be so God awful. Also, try not to add words for the sound effects. KABOOM! could've been replaced with 'There was a loud bang . . .' or something along those lines.

My name is Tommy
‘One…Two…Three…Four-let the guild begin it’s work!’ the guild’s pokemon shouted at the top of their voices.

First thing's first. When someone's talking, use quotations. Like this: '"One, two, three, four! Let the guild begin it's work!" The guild's Pokémon . . .'
Second thing: pokemon? . . No, they're called Pokémon. With a capital 'P' and an accent above the 'e'. Just press Alt and then 130 in that order. é will happen.
Third thing, just saying 'My name is Tommy' isn't enough. Describe the looks, what they're doing, and try to hint at the basic plot of the story if you haven't already done that in the prologue.

Chimeco was the cook and Lucario’s assistant. ‘You forget this’ Chimeco gave Turtwig a level meter. ‘As you’re only lv.5, you better know what level you are.’

I thought this was something good to quote.
The little white Pokémon, Chimecho, wasn't just the cook, but also Lucario's assistant, "you forgot this!" Chimecho said, handing Turtwig a level meter, "you're only level 5, so you'd better keep track when you level up."
Notice how I wrote out the word 'level' instead of simply saying 'lv.'. Also notice how I put more description in italics unlike what you had (which I also put in italics).

‘Thanks, Chimeco. Well, I better head off. Thanks!’
………………………………………… ……………………………………… ……………………………………
‘*gasp* Where am I?’ Tommy twisted and turned. Who jumped up… and discoverec he was a pokemon! His hand-tail swung up, scaring him to death. ‘WHAT? I’M AN AIPOM!!! AN AIPOM!!!’

. . . I have no idea what just happened to be honest. Everything in this quote is just wrong, so I'm not going to bold or italicize anything. First, there were a lot of spelling mistakes, like 'discoverec', which is why you use spell check. In transitions, which is what you tried to do by putting all those periods, shouldn't happen that way. 'Meanwhile' and 'Later' are great words that specify a transition from one scene to another. You can experiment, because there are a few others, with different transition words.

Also, don't use the astericks (*) in fanfics, it's not a very good idea unless it describes thoughts. Even then, I discourage it. Next time, just say that the character gasped in the text. Like this: '"Where am I?" Tommy asked himself after a short, involuntary gasp. He twisted and turned, trying to figure out why his body felt so heavy and different. That was when he realized he was a Pokémon.'

In conclusion, that would've been a better way to handle it. Also, exclamation points (!) when a character isn't talking is very highly discouraged. The reader can see that Tommy is frantic, they don't need the exclamation point. Also, instead of trying to put your readers at a sort of suspense with elipses ( . . . ), put more description before you tell them what happened. Elipses, however, are a-okay, and you should use them freely.

Another thing, instead of saying 'hand-tail', just put 'prehensile tail', and the reader will know what that is. If not, and they ask, tell them to look it up on Wikipedia. It's not your job to describe what things like that are.

One more thing wrong with this: Please don't use caps lock or multiple exclamation points (2 is more than enough). WOULD YOU LIKE ME YELLING AT YOU!!!? Wasn't that fairly annoying? Instead, you could've said: "What? I'm an Aipom? I'm an Aipom!" The readers will know your character is scared and confused even if you don't use caps lock.

Tommy ran up the tree. ‘What? You’re a pokemon as well? Omigosh…’ Tommy ran down to Turtwig. ‘But…I was a human!!!’

‘Hahaha! So ya said you were a human? You’re funny!!!!’

‘Omg. You don’t believe me!!!’

Okay. . Err, first thing's first, I suppose. Please don't use chatspeak in your fics! 'OMG, Lol, stfu,' and the like are big no-no's.

"Tommy ran up the tree, "what? You're a Pokémon as well? Oh no. . ." Tommy ran down to Turtwig frantically. He was confused and scared, "but . . . I was a human!""

'Omigosh' isn't chatspeak, but it makes your fic look unprofessional. Now, I'm not saying to be just like a professional writer, but at least try to act like you know what you're doing.

'Turtwig laughed at Tommy in a disbelieving fashion, "so you think ya were a human? You're funny!" Turtwig said, laughing once more at Tommy's expense."
Try not to put laughing in the dialogue, unless it's one 'ha!' like a sarcastic laugh or something along those lines.

'"Oh my God. . You don't believe me?" Tommy asked, looking down sadly because of Turtwig's laughter. This was extremely discouraging for Tommy. Now what was he supposed to do?"
Again, this was mostly the chatspeak, but also the fact that you didn't say who said that (even if it's obvious, you should anyway) or how they did it/what they were thinking.


Final Thoughts:
I'd rate this fic about an F. . It was awful, but it can be improved! No need to worry, your fic can be saved by better grammar, less chatspeak, more description, less exclamation points, and the like. Also, it seems as if you can make up a good plot with what you've got written so far. Of course, I haven't read chapter two. . So I can't really say for sure. Just follow my advice, read over what you write frequently to make sure you're not rushing/have plenty of description, and I'll tell you what went wrong with chapter two while trying not to repeat myself.

There are good points to your fic, though:
You start a new paragraph when people speak.
You spell the names correctly and capitalize them. (Except Chimecho)
You have a plot, unlike most writers.

So, if you must, rewrite the chapters and make them longer and more descriptive. Try again.

 

[ShinjiLover]

Chapter two!

‘Ok, ok. So, we all turned into pokemon, right? But….how???’

"Okay, Okay. So, we all turned into Pokémon, right? But . . . How!?"
That would've been a much better way to write it, complete with capitalization and everything. Stray from using more than one question mark (?). One is plenty. Also, at the end of the quote, say what Tommy is thinking, doing, or trying to do.

Turtwig started walking with Tommy down the path. ‘I guess you’re wondering where you are. You’re in the pokemon world. You see, down there is a guild. What we do is work together to complete missions. They range from very easy to near impossible.’

‘But why? Whats the point?’

‘Well…’ Turtwig started, ‘We do it to help pokemon in danger. Pokemon kidnapped, pokemon escorted…anything. And we go on explorations as well. We go to find treasure. And if we come back sucessfully, we get money. But it’s only 90%!!! Say we get £10, it turns into £1!!! Now, what is the point. So, do you want to make a team with me???’

‘Hmmmm……let me…’

‘Hah! You’ll never answer to that!’ a mysterious voice said.

Okay. . I have no idea who's talking here because you don't specify. Why should I work my brain for anything other than to imagine what's happening? Try this:

'Turtwig convinced Tommy to walk down the dirt path with it.
"I guess you're wondering where you are. Well, you're in the Pokémon World," Turtwig explained, "you see, down there is a guild. What we do here is work together to complete missions that range from very easy for beginners to near impossible for veterans."

"But. . Why? What's the point?" Tommy questioned curiously. He didn't understand why these Pokémon would put themselves in dangerto help others.
"Well," Turtwig stated, "we do it to help the Pokémon that are in danger." Tommy understood that part already. After a short pause, Turtwig realized Tommy didn't know what it was talking about.

"Pokémon kidnapped, hurt, anything. We go on explorations, as well, to find treasures. If we come back successfully, we get a portion of the profit for it. But we only get 10% . . ." Turtwig looked down sadly, nearly tripping over a rock it hadn't been paying attention to. Then it elaborated, "say that we get £10 worth of treasure. Because we only get 10%, it turns into £1 dollar for us!" Turtwig then changed the subject, realizing it was simply rambling and ranting to vent out its anger, "so, whaddya say?"

Tommy thought for a moment, "hmm. . Well--"
"Ha! You'll never be able to answer that!" A mysterious voice yelled from behind. The two Pokémon spun around to see two Pokémon who looked fierce and angry. Tommy shivered, afraid of what might happen. When Turtwig noticed, it stood in front of him.'

Now, I keep calling Turtwig 'it' because you never specified whether it was male or female. Try doing that.
Also, your chapters are way too short. Lengthen them and get your reader more involved with the emotions of your characters. Since you're doing a third person view, you should be able to convey the emotions of all the characters.


Final thoughts:
I'd rate this chapter an F, too. There's not enough detail to it and, as I said, it's too short. . Just do as I've told you before and you'll get better.

I also hope I don't get in trouble for double posting. . Not really much I can about that, guys, sorry. . =/

 

[Pidgeot]

Part 2: The Lucario Guild
Chapter 6:
A Team!?

'So, Tommy. We've got nothing to do. Well, there is one thing. Do you want to join a team with me?'

'Wah? Team!? I..I... I'd love it!'

'And our name...Team BMGF! Thats the best name ever!'

'Great! But, where do we become a team, Turtwig?'

'Just at the Lucario Guild! I'll show ya!'

So, now Tommy and Turtwig set off, to become a team at the Lucario Guild!

Next time...Clefable's Decision

See, I told you it was short. I've been working really hard on the story of EODD. It's got a great storyline.
Chapter 7:
Clefable's Decision

Tommy and Turtwig walked over to the guild. It was shaped like a big Clefable's head. 'Tommy, I get really scared here.' Turtwig said, walking onto the covered hole.

'Pokemon! Pokemon! Whose footprint? Whose footprint? It is Turtwig!'

'GAAGH!' Turtwig screamed. He jumped back. 'To..to..tommy! It's you're turn!'

'Right. I walk over here, right?'

'Pokemon! Pokemon! Whose footprint? Whose footprint? Huh? It is the footprint of... Aipom!'

'Okay. Open guild!!' Loudred pulled the door open.

Tommy and Turtwig went down thew ladder. A Lucario stood there. 'I'm the leader of the guild, Lucario. Will you very kindly leave!'

'What? We want to become a team!'

'Yeh, me and Turtwig. Our team name...Team BMGF!'

'Oh, stop playing games with me. Only truthful pokemon join. Not weak kids. I know you're joking. Clefable!' Lucario said, knocking on Clefable's door,'Some kids want to join the guild!'

next time...
Chapter 8: Team BMGF!



Chapter 8:
Team BMGF!


Tommy, Turtwig and Lucario walked in, looking at Clefable. ‘Ahem, master? There are some people to see you.’ No answer. Clefable just stood there, drooling. ‘Master?’ Clefable was, infact, asleep. ‘MASTER!!!’

‘Huh? Oh, goo’ mornin’. So, whattya you want? I get it! You two are friends of mine. Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…….YOOMTAH!’

‘Right. Me and my friend, Turtwig, want to join the guild.’

‘Okeydokey. First things first. Team name?’

‘Team BMGF!’ Turtwig shouted.

‘Member names?’

‘Tommy and me, Turtwig.’

‘YOOMTAH! You are now friends of the guild.’ Clefable gave Tommy an Exploration Kit. It contained an Exlplorer Badge, a map, and an item bag.

‘Cool! Turtwig, we are now members of the team!’

‘Now, let me begin. You do somenly sware, that you, Tommy, and you, Turtwig are members of the guild. Tommorow, your work shall begin. But for now, lets call it a day.’

I wonder what exciting things Tommy and Turtwig shall face as there first mission begins?
next time…
Chapter 9: Crystal Clear!

'To make things clear, this all a whole part. You cannot say it is too short, as it is a full part altogether.'

 

[LightningTopaz]

I understand that it is a whole part, but these five episodes could be combined into one episode

 

[ShinjiLover]

I see you completely ignored my review. >.> Fine, that's fine. Don't improve then, it doesn't matter to me.

And Team BMGF? I hope to God that's not based off of BMGf (Bulbasaur's Myserious Garden forums). .

 

[Pidgeot]

Part 3: The First Official Mission

Chapter 9: As Clear as Crystal

The sea splashed and splashed, making Igglybuff trip over. 'Oh no! My crystal!’ Igglybuff accidentally dropped the crystal in the sea. It started drifting away. She ran across the beach, hurrying to the guild.

Meanwhile, Tommy and Turtwig were still asleep. ‘COME ON, YOU LITTLE KIDS!!! WHAT, OH WHAT ARE BOYS LIKE?’ Sunflora jumped up and down, trying to wake Tommy and Turtwig up.

‘Waah?’ Tommy gasped, finally waking up.

‘Finally! I thought that you boys would never wake up. Quickly!!!’ Sunflora said, running to the main hall.

‘Goo’ morning, Tommy.’ Turtwig yawned, ‘This is our day. Let’s make it shine!’

‘YOU’RE LATE!’ Loudred shouted.

‘Loudred, not so loud. Now today, all the girls must see to Igglypuff. She is very sad. She is in the guild master’s room. Now, lets…’

‘Wait. What’s wrong with Igglypuff? Couldn’t me and Tommy help?’

‘No. You need to back to Spooky Woods first.’

‘Right.’ Tommy replied. Tommy and Turtwig rushed out.

‘Come on girls, quickly.’

Chimeco, Sunflora and Gloom ran in.

‘Well, hello fellow girls. This Igglypuff has a problem. I thought you girls would be best to help.’

‘What’s wrong?’ Chimeco quietly said.

‘Waah!!! My crystal…. I dropped at Beach Bluff!!! Please, someone find it!!’

A couple minutes later, the girls headed to Beach Bluff.

Meanwhile…
‘There is anything left to find, Tommy.’

‘Yes. Let’s call it a day.’

Just then, a bloodcurdling scream came from Beach Bluff…

‘Tommy, we have to go there!!!’

Next time…
Chap 10:
Beach Bluff

 

[LightningTopaz]

Please, try to take your reviewer's feedback into consideration.

I'm locking this for the time being.