Pokemon Musical PG-13 (Just to be safe)

[*Leeney*]

Hi this is like my first fanfic here. I mainly did this because I want to work on my writing, song writing and storytelling skills for the future. Hopefully you guys will like it although my songs will have no audio to go with them. I might put a few curses in this fic but it’s mostly going to be a comedy and love story. Oh and the more comments I get the more motivated I get to write more.
Prolouge
Boom! Boom! Boom! Those cries were the stomps heard from the audience of Viridian Stadium. Cries of cheering were afar too. It was at wits end for two long time rivals Ash and Paul. Paul was the current champion of Kanto. With his aggressive way of battling it wasn’t a surprise. Lance’s Dragonite was even sent to the hospital due to his battling style.

“Salamence use Hyper Beam!” commanded Paul.

The huge blue beast flew to the sky while an orange-yellow light started to glow from its mouth.

“Pikachu dodge by using Iron Tail on that rock.” yelled a determined Ash.

The electric rodent maneuvered its lightning shaped tail on the hard rock. The force made it fly in the sky easily evading the attack.

“Grrrrrr.” mumbled Paul.

I got a plan, thought Ash. After this battle my life will be almost perfect.

Pikachu use Thunderbolt in the sky!”

“Pathetic. Your one chance to finish off my Salamence and you blow it!”

Ash smiled at Paul and pointed to the now dark clouds in the sky. Lightning bolts started to aim for Salamence. It was shocked by one lightning bolt after another.

“SALAMENCE!” yelled an irritated Paul. “Take it like a legendary!”
But it was no use. The final lightning bolt hit it and the pseudo-legendary fell to the ground. It was knocked out and the referee raised Ash’s flag to signify Ash’s victory.

“Let’s introduce our new champion, Ash Ketchum!” cried the announcer.

“SHOOT!” Paul yelled. “Useless Pokémon!” He stomped out of the stadium.

“We won! We won!” Ash cried.

He ran and hugged Pikachu tightly. Pikachu’s face started to turn blue.

“Pi…..ka……” stuttered Pikachu. It was being muffled by Ash due to his hug. Ash soon noticed and stopped hugging it and leaned against a pole.

“Ash congrats!” cried Misty as she ran to kiss him from the stands. She knew it was her time to place her lips against his.

“Come on out everyone celebrate with me!” Ash threw all his pokeballs in the air and his Pokémon appeared. Unfortunately Ash couldn’t catch so all his pokeballs fell to the ground.

“Oops, I dropped my balls.” said Ash ducking down to get them.

Misty didn’t notice Ash duck and accidently kissed the pole he was leaning on. Her eyes widened as she opened her eyes not to see her lips on Ash’s.

“NOOOOOOOOOO!” she yelled.
----------------------------------------- LATER --------------------------------------

“Alright gang; let’s head back to Pallet Town. “ commanded Ash.

“Woo!” said his best friends Misty and Brock.

The trio ran off in the sunlight and started to dance.

“I think my almost perfect life calls for a song am I right?” asked Ash skipping along the path.

“You bet honey!” cried Misty grabbing Ash’s hand pulling him forward. She spun him around numerous times. “Start us off Brock!”

“Oh yeah,” replied Brock. He started to sing.

Perfection
[Brock]
Here's a boy you outta know
He's from a place from Kanto
He goes by the name of Ash
But he's gone in a flash
Thanks to all his adventures yay!
[Misty]
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hip-hip hooray
He's always there to save the day
He's always got something' to say
Wait it's his turn to so let's watch him play today
[Ash]
Like Brock has said I'm from Kanto
I got a styling' mom
And a whole bunch of Pokémon!
Breezing through the regions
From every season
Getting' friends
and long time companions!
[Brock and Misty]
Wow! Arceus made a good selection
To make Ash's life perfection
[Ash]
I have a heart of gold
Although I'm just 15 years old
I rescue Pokémon from abusers
And just.....plain old losers!
My life is fabulous
My life is spectaculous
But oooooooooohhh! How I wish I had a dad
To be glad (to be glad)
To be sad (to be sad)
To stick with the Pokémon fad (Pokémon fad)
[Brock and Misty]
Poor Ash's life isn't all perfection
Not Arceus' smartest selection
Why oh why (why oh why) can't his life be perfection

Misty and Brock giggled and ran off to Pallet Town without Ash.

“Hey guys wait up!” he yelled as he ran to catch up.
END OF PROLOUGE

 

[Flaze]

Um....okay I guess, maybe you could've used a bit more decription on the battle but since it's mostly a musical fic it really doesn't matter that much

 

[Zephy]

There was very little detail in this story. Also, the lyrics don't go to any tune we know so it makes them awkward in the story. Personally, I prefer when people put thoughts in quotation marks in professional writing as opposed to using italics. The giant later sign is not nessecary and looks almost unprofessional. Also, the font didn't need changing. If I'm going to be frank the story wasn't very original.

Now for the good stuff! I do love musicals. Maybe next time include the sheet music? I also am a PokéShipper so I enjoyed the kiss. Continue, because you have the potential to improve. Sorry if I sounded harsh! It's only because I know you can do better.

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

Why is the font the color of the background? I had to highlight everything to see it.

The descriptions could stand to flow a little better. Like when Paul yells, then stomps out of the stadium. The way it's written chops up the actions, making them seem too far apart, and it loses impact.

 

[White Len]

The one thing I hate the most is the battle at the start. Seriously? A OHKO Thunderbolt? And how come the clouds just HAPPENED to gather there, increasing the Thunderbolt's power? I mean, it's unpredictable, so why does Ash "have a plan"? Also, Salamence is a freaking pseudo-legendary. A few Thunderbolts certainly won't faze it, especially from a Pikachu.

Then again...battles like these are common in fanfiction nowadays. Hmm...

 

[Nando]

Hmmm. It's okay, but not great. I think all the problems were already pointed out.