TEEN: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Shadow of Zoroark

[ShadowDRGN]

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First Timers Please Read:

Spoiler

Hello everybody! This is a project I've been working on for quite some time now, and after a few redoes, I've finally settled on something that I like and intend to see through to the end. This fic is the first of a trilogy of PMD fics that serves to expand the world of Mystery Dungeon and add more depth into it's origins. Canonically, this fic takes place 150 years after Explorers of Time/Darkness/Sky, in an era where humans have begun to modernize the Pokemon world for the last 20 years, gifting the Pokemon with technologies like electricity, plumbing and refrigeration while still preserving the culture and lifestyle of their world, which is currently in a state similar to the late Elizabethan Era. It is at this time that a major threat arises, one that, if not stopped, will immerse the entire world in darkness. The task of cleansing this threat is weighed on a young Riolu named Lucas, who had lost his memory when he suffered a near death experience, and is later tasked with collecting the 8 Sage Crystals scattered around the Kingdom of Altria. Along his journey, he encounter new friends, discover ancient secrets, and face off with foes intent on bringing about the world's end.

The story will be divided into two parts, and the first part will probably be around 20-30 chapters, with the second part being slightly shorter. Expect a chapter or two per month, as I'm a slow worker when it comes to writing, especially with me starting high school this Thursday (Sept. 4).

About Chapters:
All chapters of the first "Book" will go here, both parts one and two. Whenever I post a Chapter, It will be in this layout:
*Introduction by me + Short description of the chapter.
*The Chapter itself.
*Some trivia and notes about the chapter
*Links to all the Encyclopedia entries for the characters, places and terms that debuted in that particular chapter (The encyclopedia is a little idea I had, rather than but all this stuff into the chapter posts and bloat it up, I decided I would make an index that would detail it all in one place.)
*Link back to the chapter list

Chapter List:
This is an index of every chapter that had been posted so far with links to each one. They are color coded to signify it's status:

Spoiler

Green Text:Chapter is complete, has been uploaded.
Yellow Text: Chapter is complete, not uploaded.
Red Text: Chapter is not complete, currently writing.

Encyclopedia Link
Chapter 1:Amnesia: http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f227/pokemon-mystery-dungeon-shadow-zoroark-154969/#post4873908
Chapter 2:A Tour of Town: http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f227/pokemon-mystery-dungeon-shadow-zoroark-154969/#post4873926
Chapter 3:Honorary Members:

Anyways, that's it! enjoy!

 

[ShadowDRGN]

Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Shadow of Zoroark Chapter 1

Description:

Spoiler

We open up our story with a dark night in the woods, where all is calm and quiet until a portal suddenly opens up out of nowhere and delivers our hero, Lucas into the world before abruptly disappearing. Lucas, unfamiliar with the land, digs through his bag to find the map he was given and discovers it to be missing. Thinking it was a prank by his mysterious associate Joshua, he disgustedly starts to make his way out of the woods. Before long, he finds the exit, but right as he's about to escape, he is ambushed by a mysterious assailant...

The forest was quiet; a gentle breeze was blowing through the dense trees, leaves and bushes slowly rustled in the whistling wind. In the hazy twilight, one could see the eyes of several nocturnal Pokémon enjoying the night, and could hear the faint, solemn calls of wild Mightyena sounding eerily in the dark. The silence was all too short though, as suddenly, out of thin air, a flash of blue light swept through the greenery, its origin was a strange cyan portal that had materialized in a clearing tucked far into the woods. It hovered strangely in the air, pulsing slowly and emitting a strange hum that could be mistaken for a hive of bees. A couple seconds passed before suddenly, out from the portal, a Riolu leaped out and landed gracefully on the soft grass.

“Ha, that was quite a ride…” He thought aloud, sighing in relief. “Man, I feel like every hair on my body is tingling.” He complained, resisting the urge to scratch himself. “Well, I guess they DID warn me that it was going to feel a little weird…” He added, thinking back to a few minutes earlier.
It was then that he heard the telltale hum of the portal behind him recede. He glanced back just in time to spot the last remnant of the portal shrink then vanish as quickly as it came, leaving no traces of its existence behind.

“Guess there’s no turning back now.” The Riolu said with a hint of worry.

He glanced around at the scenery; it wasn’t too special, just a normal forest, a bush here, a tree there, but it was too dark to really make anything out besides what right in front of him.

“I know what they meant by ‘keeping a cover’, but this is a little overkill…” He shrugged, taking the brown leather satchel off of his right shoulder and placing on the ground. Kneeling, he undid the buckles and opened it up, inside were some basic items: a canteen of water, some medicine, a couple snacks, a half-full coin purse, and finally a small dictionary, none of it seemed to be what he was looking for though.

“C’mon, where’s that map?” He muttered angrily, hastily shoving things aside as he rummaged through his belongings. “I made sure I had one, now where’d it go?” He said, opening up the other pouches and looking inside them. “Great, I guess I lost it on the way here… just wonderful.” He sighed sarcastically.
“Oh well, guess now I have to find my way out of this place and get to town myself…” He sighed in defeat, grabbing a dagger from his bag before closing it up and slinging it over his shoulder haphazardly. “Might as well get moving…”

He started down the dark forest path, carelessly twirling his dagger by the handguard, all the while grumbling to himself about his unfortunate luck.
“Man, just my luck, first I get dropped in the middle of who-knows-where, in the middle of the night no less. It’s freezing, my feet are sore, and best of all, I just happened to lose my map, the only thing I have to make my way around this godforsaken country.” He vented his frustration as if he were talking to a friend, though, of course, no one was really around to hear him.

“By god, if this is another one of Joshua’s pranks, I swear when I get home I’m going to punch him right in his smug little-“ His ranting was suddenly put on hold when he heard the sound of leaves rustling behind him.

“Huh, who’s there?” He said, turning in the direction of the sound with his dagger ready. He scanned the area, but found no sign of any one else.

“I guess I’m just hearing things.” He shrugged it off, putting his dagger back into the leather sheath strapped around his right thigh and continued down the path.
Around fifteen minutes later, just when he felt like he was going to collapse, the Riolu finally caught a glimpse of the exit just ahead of him.

“Thank god! I thought I was going to be here forever!” He gleefully proclaimed. Reinvigorated, he picked up his feet and began to pace towards the exit, but just as he was a few meters away from finally leaving the woods, he saw, out of the corner of his eye, a tall, dark figure race past behind him from the bushes.

“What the heck?” He thought aloud, drawing his dagger out of nervousness. “W-whoever’s there, show yourself!” He shouted.
Feeling his hands becoming increasingly sweaty, he tightened his grip on the dagger and took a deep breath. Just then, he felt the wind brush his backside, but turning around, he saw nothing but bushes and trees behind him.

Suddenly, right when he least expected it, he sensed something approaching him from behind, but before he could turn around to confront it, a sharp pain in his back instantly shot through him.

“Ahg!” He grunted in pain, to him, time itself had seemed to slow down as his entire body blazed in agony. In those long moments, he could feel someone, or something, breathing on his neck, breathing with a breath as hot as hellfire. A couple seconds later, though for him it was like minutes, he felt cold steel being dragged out his back and the violent lash of hitting the ground.

He lay there, sprawled on the cold ground in an ever-growing pool of blood, with a large wound gouged in his back, and just before he blacked out, he heard a sinister voice address him.

“I’ve been waiting for you, Lucas…”

---

“How is he Doc?” A voice asked in an unnerving tone.

“It’s hard to tell, he’s been fading in and out for a while now.” A second voice said.

“I just hope he gets up soon.” The first voice sounded worried.

“Well, it was a good thing you brought him here as quickly as you did; it looked like he was barely hanging on by the time you got him in here.” The second voice informed. “Hmm, it looks like his condition is becoming a little more stable…” The second voice thought aloud, supposedly examining something.

“Wait! I think he’s waking up!” the first voice exclaimed.

Lucas slowly but surely opened his eyes. At first he was blinded by a bright light, when his vision readjusted, the first thing he saw was a Tepig staring back at him with a relieved expression.

“Ugh, my back… What happened?” He asked groggily, holding his hand to his forehead.

“Oh thank goodness you’re alright!” He said releivingly.

“W-where am I? And who are you?” He questioned immediately, still somewhat in a daze.

“I’ll explain everything in a minute, just don’t move.” The Tepig ordered.

He left the room along with the doctor (A Golduck) seconds later. Riolu lifted his head up and looked around the area; it was a plain white doctor’s room with a single bed and some medical equipment. He took a quick gaze at himself to find blood soaked bandages wrapped around his torso and around his right arm. As for his back, it felt like he had been run over by a steam roller, he couldn’t move without an insurmountable pain surging through him.

“What the heck happened to me? Was I… attacked?” He thought aloud, trying to keep his head upright.

He glanced back at his wounds; it was hard to tell through the bandages but it seemed he had been stabbed from behind, though though he couldn’t look for long without the pain driving him back.

Then Tepig and the doctor walked back into the room, with the Tepig carrying a tray with bread and water over to him on his back.
The doctor took out a needle filled with a red medicine and injected it into Riolu’s arm, after the initial stinging, he felt the pain ease up, as if by magic.
Now that he could sit upright, Tepig placed the tray onto his lap.

“I suppose you’re hungry; would you like a piece?” He asked.

“Uhh, thanks.” Lucas took one hesitantly, hearing his stomach growl intensely.

“Sorry for the wait, anyways, I’m Aiden, but everyone calls me Red.” He said as he toasted one of the bread pieces with fire from his snout.

“Why’s that?” He asked.

“Because-“ Almost instantaneously, the end of Red’s tail burst into crimson flames. “Of THAT.” Red explained whilst swatting the flames away with his front legs, clearly embarrassed

“Oh, ok.” Riolu said confusingly. ‘Weird…’ he thought.

He re-examined the patched up wounds, no longer confined by the pain “So, anyway, what’s up with all these bandages?” Lucas questioned as the doctor administered another shot to his arm.

“You don’t remember?” Red responded with another question.

“… No, I don’t to be frank.” Lucas answered in a depressed tone.

“That’s strange; you must’ve been out for quite a while before I found you.” Red said, half to himself and half to Riolu.

“Wait, what?” He asked dumbfoundingly.

“Yeah, I was taking a stroll in the early morning when I saw you, lying face down in the middle of the path with a big wound in your back, I freaked and I rushed you to the clinic and just now you woke up.” Red hastily explained.

Lucas briefly reflected on his story. “No, I still can’t figure anything out.” He responded.

“Well, can you at least remember your name?” Red asked, trying his best to get something out of him.

Just then, he remembered a chilling sentence: ‘I’ve been waiting for you Lucas…’ He recalled, the sinister voice echoing eerily in his head. “It was… Lucas.” He said, shivering slightly.

“Lucas, eh? That’s not a name I hear a lot, plus we don’t see Riolu around here often too…” Red mused. “Well, no matter, those shots should’ve healed you up a bit; it’s a bit late, do you have anywhere to go?” Red asked.

“No, I don’t, I’m not even sure where I am.” Lucas sighed.

“That’s ok, if you want to, you could stay with me at the inn until you can sort things out.” Red offered, worried for Lucas’s well-being.

Lucas thought about the offer briefly. ‘I dunno about this, I know he means well, but he’s a total stranger… then again, I don’t have anywhere else to go…” He pondered.

“Ok, I’ll stay with you, it’s not like I have much of a choice in the matter.” He accepted.

“I’ll be waiting outside then, come see me when you’re ready.” Red told him before leaving.

Lucas slowly got up from the bed, his back still hurting slightly when he got up, but not as much as before. Before Lucas left, the doctor took some scissors and cut the bandages off of him, underneath was little but bloodied fur and some stitches hidden beneath.

“Thanks.” Lucas said before he left the clinic.

When they got outside, it was evening and the moon was already starting it accent into the starry heavens.

“The inn is just down the street from here, follow me and I’ll take you to it!” Red said, already starting on his way.
Lucas just nodded and followed him, scanning his surroundings along the way.

The town was very rustic, with streets made of cobblestone accompanied by wrought iron lamps that illuminated the town in even the blackest night. The houses were old-fashioned as well, made with either wood, stone or a combination of both. Along the way, the two passed a few shops that were closing down for the night, and also a tavern that seemed to be bustling with patrons.

Looking ahead, Lucas noticed the silhouette of a large castle off in the distance, but he paid it no mind as he and Red approached the inn.

Looking it over, the inn was a two-story building made entirely of wood with a large sign above the door that clearly gave away its purpose. It had quite a

number of windows and seemed to tower over the other buildings on the street, which were all identical one-story houses.

“Well, what are you waiting for?” Red asked Lucas, who was staring up at the sign from the sidewalk.

As soon as they walked in the doors, a small bell chimed and they were greeted warmly by a Prinplup behind the counter.

“Hello Red, I had a feeling you would show up.” He said.

“Hey Prin, I’d like a room with two bedrooms please, I’m not really in the mood to head back right now.” Red informed, counting of coins for him.

“Sure thing, I just finished sprucing things up for tomorrow. Boy I tell ya, this time of year is always busy for me.” Prin chuckled.

While they were chatting, a colorful painting beside the door caught Lucas’s eye. As he walked over to it, he saw it was a richly colored picture of a Ninetales on top of a mountain with a blazing red stone next to it. Although it was a painting he had never seen before, something in him told him told him it was familiar.

“Hey, you ok?” Red asked from behind him. Lucas instantly jolted in surprise.

“Yeah… sorry.” He responded, exchanging glances between the painting and Red.

“Nice painting, ain’t it? Not sure when it was painted, but I bet it’s even older than the inn itself.” Red explained. “Well anyways, I got us a room, so we should go in and rest a bit; you’re still a little beat up.” Red said as he headed up the stairs beyond the counter.

Lucas followed him and reached the second floor in time to see Red unlock the first door to the left. Red looked over and gestured Lucas to come inside. Lucas headed in without a word.

The room was big and clean, the smell was even more so, two large beds situated aside a window in between, with luxurious curtains that were set so that they let enough light in as to keep the room ambient, three nightstands were set beside the beds, the middle had an old bell alarm clock and a pull string lamp with a matching lampshade, and the others had drawers to keep clothes and possessions in.

“Ahh, nothing better than sleeping in the inn.” Red exclaimed as he flopped unto the left bed.

‘It is quite nice…’ Lucas thought, finding the bed to be quite comfy when he hopped into it.

“Well, no time to chit-chat, we should get to bed; I was up all day waiting for you to get up.” Red sighed. “Tomorrow I’ll show you around town, ok.” He promised.

“Yeah. Thanks, I owe you for helping me.” Lucas thanked him.

“It’s nothing, you needed help, and I helped you, that’s all there is to it.” Red responded.

“Goodnight.” He said before pulling the string on the lamp and turning the lights off…

Notes and Trivia:
*Lucas was originally meant to travel with a partner; a Typhlosion named Mark, and they would get separated by the ambush. I decided to scrap it, but kept both the name and the idea of Typhlosion as a character by giving him the name Jake and making him the owner of a tavern (The one Lucas passed going to the inn), as for the name Mark, I decided to give it to another side character that will also be seen later.
*The "Healing Shot" is a reference to some old artwork of the antidote item from Gen I, which was a syringe filled with red liquid.

Encyclopedia Links:
Lucas:
Red:

Link Back to main page: http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f227/pokemon-mystery-dungeon-shadow-zoroark-154969/#post4873857

 

[ShadowDRGN]

Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Shadow of Zoroark Chapter 2

Description:

Spoiler

In this chapter, Red takes the amnesiac Lucas on a tour of the town while the first day of the summer festival kicks off. While stopping for lunch, the two run into an someone completely unexpected...

That night was peaceful enough, with the round moon shining above in the cloudless sky and a refreshing June breeze blowing calmly throughout the rustic old town. Normally this type of night could lull even the most sleepless person to bed, but not Lucas, as he couldn’t manage even an hour of rest before he was awake once more.

‘It’s no use, I can’t sleep…’ Lucas sighed, sitting upright for his bed for the hundredth time that night. He had tried everything he could’ve to sleep; Fluffing the pillow, counting sheep, changing positions, even the fail-safe tactic of turning his pillow over to the cool side had no effect on him.

‘What time is it?’ He thought, glancing at the clock, whose hands pointed to the time ‘1:37’.

‘Well, I can’t just sit here and do nothing…’ He looked over to Red, who was wrapped up in a thin lavender sheet and soundly asleep. “Man, for how energetic he is, he sure is a heavy sleeper.” He thought aloud. He got up from his bed and went over to the window.

He leaned out the window slightly and looked out across town; from the second story he could see almost all the town, though aside from the streets, which were brightly lit by countless street lamps, everything was dark to the point where Lucas could only really make out the tips of the roves that topped the towns many buildings. From a little ways away, he heard the sound of faint chatter and the metallic din of the local blacksmith, who worked restlessly through the summer nights.

“Man, feels like it’s been forever since I’ve had a night like this.” Lucas said, taking a whiff of fresh air before going back to his bed. “It’s too bad I can’t remember how long ago that was…” Lucas sighed as he haphazardly flung his head into the pillow with a “Pomf”. He thought about it for a second before he pulled the sheets up to his neck and turned himself away from the window. “Well, I’m sure it’ll come back to me… hopefully sooner than later.” He reassured himself before drifting off to sleep.

It wasn’t long before the moon set and the morning sun curiously poked out from the horizon. As it began its daily climb into the sky, its warm light began to shine through the window and onto Lucas’s face, coaxing him awake.

“Eh? Is it morning already?” Lucas yawned loudly, stretching his arms as he sat up in his bed. He looked over to Red’s bed, expecting him to still be sleeping, but instead he found it to be empty. He looked around the room, but he found no trace of Red’s presence.
“Huh, where did he go?” Lucas asked in confusion. Just then, he saw the door open and watched as Red came in with a small brown bag gripped in his left arm.

“I see that you’re finally awake.” He greeted him.

“Yeah, I just woke up.” Lucas responded. “What’s in the bag?”

“Just some cinnamon rolls I picked up, want one?” Red offered as he opened the bag and pulled out a roll.

“Sure, I’ll take one.” Lucas accepted, feeling a little famished.

“Ok then, catch.” Red held his partially-eaten roll in his mouth as he fished out another one and tossed it over to Lucas, who caught it offhandedly.

“Make the bed once you’re done, I told Prin I’d clean the place up before we left.” Red told him after finishing his cinnamon roll. Lucas nodded in response as he took a bite of his roll.

“Hey, I have a question.” Lucas said, swallowing part of his food.

“Yeah, what is it?” Red responded gladly.

“Last night I noticed a big castle in the distance, what’s that about?” He asked, curious about what he saw.

“You don’t know?” Red replied. “I thought everyone knew about the Great Kingdom of Altria…” He said in a bewildered tone.
Lucas looked at him quizzically. “Altria? I don’t think I follow you.”

‘"Man, either this guy must’ve bonked his head real hard or he’s not from around here." Red muttered. “I’ll explain later, for now, let’s just get out of here.” He told him, Lucas nodding in response. He quickly made his bed and waited while Red picked up his stuff: A tan bag, much like what Lucas had, filled with supplies that rattled as Red flung it over his neck and went over to the door with Lucas following behind him.
They walked through the hall and down the stairs before they stopped at the counter where Prin was casually humming while he was writing in a blue notebook.

“It’s all locked up Prin. We’re going to be staying here tonight, so I’ll give you the money now.” Red told him, opening his bag and placing a couple coins on the counter in front of him.

“Ok, I’ll see you guys later.” Prin said, looking up from his notebook to bid them farewell, but just as Lucas was walking away from the counter he was stopped for a second. “Excuse me, would this happen to be yours?” He asked, handing Lucas a brown satchel hidden behind the counter. “Someone from the clinic dropped it off; they think it belongs to you.” Prin continued.
Lucas looked at it, it was fine leather with many pockets and crevices, and it seemed to be mostly empty besides some money and a couple of supplies. He didn’t notice any defining features about it until he looked at the front flap, which had a name stitched on it: Lucas Gadiel, no doubt it was his.

“Yeah, it’s mine, thanks.” Lucas said, giving Prin a thankful nod before turning and heading out the door.

When he got outside, he saw Red waiting by the entrance for him, but more interestingly, he noticed the streets were absolutely crowded with people taking up every inch of street. On top of that, he saw a great deal of colorful tents set up beside the roads, all decorated with various goods.

“Wow, this place sure is lively.” Lucas thought aloud, quite surprised at the amount of people present at the time.

“Yeah, this time of year it’s like that.” Red chuckled. “So, you wanted to know where you are, right?” He then asked as they started to walk through the streets.

“Yeah.” Lucas said, paying slight disregard to Red while he eyed the goods that were on sale.

“As I said before, we’re in the Great Kingdom of Altria, or, that is, the Former Great Kingdom of Altria.” Red explained, correcting his earlier statement. “That castle you saw was Castle Altria, the king’s estate.” He continued, pointing behind him to the large castle that seemed to hang
over the town like a shadow.

“So, this is the capital?” Lucas asked, turning back to Red.

“That’s right, what with the name Castle Town and all.” Red answered.

“So why did you call it “The Great Kingdom”?” Lucas questioned, still full of curiosity.

“Well, ages ago, way before human’s showed up, Altria was a huge, unified kingdom that spread across not only this continent, but also the one east of the sea to us.” Red said. “It was a peaceful and thriving place where everyone was connected. Technologically, it was the closest we got to today without the help of humans.”

“So, what happened to it?” Lucas asked, quite immersed in the story.

“A war happened a long time ago between this continent and the east. It wages for many years until a great disaster happened and ruined both kingdoms and stopped the war.” Red explained, recalling the details of the top of his head.

“Huh, that’s pretty crazy.” Lucas commented, quite astounded.

“That’s not all, after that happened, the continent to the east became an independent Kingdom called Icaria. Mostly we lived in peace, but 200 years ago they waged another devastating war that took heavy tolls on us.” Red continued, stopping to buy a loaf of bread. “Luckily the war was stopped and we both made amends, but we could never really get back to our previous splendor, even with human help.”

“Hmm, that’s quite interesting.” Lucas said, musing over what he had been told. “You said this was a kingdom, right? Who’s the king?” He questioned.

“That would be King Samurott, most people just call him Sammy, though.” Red replied. “His family has ruled Altria ever since the beginning and it shows with how good of a ruler he is. Never once have I heard bad things about the king.” He said. “Now, anything else you want to know about?”

The two spent a few hours walking idly, checking out what the many vendors had to offer and chatting about more on the history on Altria, Lucas found it quite interesting how Red could have so much knowledge on so many topics, and how he could recall said knowledge so quickly, almost as if he was reciting his favorite poem or song.

“So, is it always this crowded here?” Lucas asked, noticing that there were even more people in town than there was that morning.

“No, if it was, I’d die from claustrophobia.” Red joked, seeing an amused smirk form on Lucas’s normally blank face. “The reason it’s so crowded is because it’s the week of the summer festival.”

“Summer... Festival?” Lucas repeated out of confusion.

“It’s a big celebration that happens the week of the Solstice.” Red started to explain. “You see, in our beliefs, there are eight deities called sages that control the eight natural elements in the world, that painting you saw in the inn was what one of them supposedly looked like.”

“Ok.” Lucas said, nodding.

“We hold celebrations for each one at different times of the year and at different places. For instance, the last celebration we had was in the spring where we celebrated the Sage of Grass. This celebration is for the Sun Sage, which has long been the most revered Sage by our people. For the whole week we hold a huge festival where people can come and enjoy themselves.” He said. “You think you have a good understanding of it?”

“Yeah, I think I follow.” Lucas nodded, having a strange feeling that he was told the details before.

Red briefly strayed from the conversation to observe the thriving assemblage of people. “Yep, I’ve lived here for almost fifteen years and this is always the busiest time of year.” He fondly commented.

“So, what is there to do besides shop and not be crushed by masses of people?” Lucas asked jokingly.

“Well, over at the plaza there’s probably some street performances going on.” Red mused, turning back to face Lucas. “There’s also that thing near the plaza where all the explorers do signings…” He continued, talking more to himself than to Lucas.

“Explorers?” Lucas questioned, tilting his head curiously.

“Never heard of it? It’s been a big thing for quite some time.” Red told him. “Well, an explorer is, as the name implies, someone who travels around the world going on adventures, ya know, treasure hinting and whatnot. When they band together, it’s called an Exploration Team” He explained further.

“Wow, sounds like a good living, huh?” Lucas asked out of interest.

“Oh yeah, I hear some of the best live on the rich side of town in huge houses, I hear they have the most lavish lifestyle this side of being a king.” Red answered, sounding like an excerpt from a tabloid.

‘It seems that he knows quite a bit about the trade…’ Lucas thought analytically. “I suppose you have an interest in it then?” He said.

Red smiled slightly and nodded. “Yep, ever since I was a kid I’ve wanted to become an explorer, now that I’m over fourteen, I’m hoping to start this summer.” Red told him.

“Wait, you’re fifteen, right?” Lucas asked, looking at him in confusion. “How come you waited almost two years to start?”

“I planned on starting on my fourteenth birthday, but my relatives wanted me to keep working for them for another couple years, I didn’t really mind though. Can’t have your way all the time, right?” Red laughed a little before noticing something off in the distance. “Huh, wonder what they’re selling over there…” Red pointed to a small tan tent down the road. It had several tables in front of it that glimmered under the noontime sun.

“Wanna go check it out?” Lucas asked, his nonchalant posture seemed to imitate someone with their hands in their pockets. Red nodded and they both walked leisurely over to the tent.

Upon closer inspection, the shop appeared to sell handcrafted jewellery and other accesories, which would explain why it was so attracting to the eye. Lucas quickly swept his eyes over the modest selection of jewellery, there were necklaces, bracelets, rings, broaches and earrings, all of them looked quite fetching. ‘And expensive too…’ Lucas thought, groaning internally.

Just then, a Sandslash appeared from inside the tent, he looked around a bit lethargically for a few seconds before noticing Red and Lucas browsing his stock.

“Ah! Hello there.” The merchant greeted, speaking in an unusual accent. “Come to see my wares?”

Lucas looked up at him and nodded “Yeah.” He said before he continued looking through the quite diverse selection of necklaces.

“Well, if you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask.” He told him, seemingly excited to have customers.

Lucas continued to peruse through the merchants stock before noticing a piece that caught his attention: a black-and-white checkered bracelet, the pattern consisting of two rows of the alternating shades going around the diameter of the bracelet.

Lucas picked it up and examined it, and felt oddly nostalgic when he did so.

“Excuse me.” He addressed the merchant from afar.

“Yes?” He responded without as much as a glance in Lucas’s direction.

“How much is this bracelet.” Lucas asked, taking the item over and placing on the table in front of the merchant.

The merchant scratched his chin lightly and tried to recall something. “To be honest, I had only acquired it recently, but since it’s a simple piece… let’s say… 1320 Poké.” He said with some hesitation as he tried to find a reasonable price.

“Ok, 1320 it is.” Lucas nodded and dug out the money from his bag, giving it to the merchant, who in turn handed him the bracelet.

“Hey!” Lucas called out to Red, who was examining a ring and almost dropped it at the surprise of Lucas calling his name. “Ready to go?” He asked, cracking a tiny smile as Red awkwardly fumbled about trying not to drop the ring.

“Y-yeah, I’m ready.” Red replied, sighing with relief after he managed to put the ring back on the table without incident. Lucas nodded and they both left to see the other areas of town.

As they walked, Lucas held the bracelet in his hand and stared at it curiously, wondering why he had found it so familiar, Red was quick to notice after Lucas had failed to respond to a comment he had made.

“Hey, what’s with the bracelet?” Red asked, snapping Lucas out of his blank gaze.

“I dunno, I just thought it was stylish.” Lucas shrugged as he slipped it onto his left arm, where he found it to be the most comfortable.

They walked around for a little while longer, checking out some of the other tents but not buying anything significant, and it was just after they finished browsing a shell shop that they started feeling hungry.

“Man, I am starving.” Lucas proclaimed, hearing his stomach growl in a plea for food.

“Me too, wanna grab lunch? There’s a café in the around here that’s pretty good.” Red suggested.

“Sure, do you know where it is?” Lucas accepted after a brief moment of thought.

“I think it’s on this street, but…” Red thought aloud, looking around in search of the elusive building before spotting it behind the crowd. “Ah! It’s right here!” Red exclaimed, pointing to the right side of the street where a wide, one story building with tables set outside was settled.

Pushing through the horde of people, they walked over to the café and sat down at a table underneath the blue and white awning, a color that appealed to the building’s blue coat of paint. It only took a couple seconds for a waitress, who was an Audino with round, black framed glasses, to come poking out from the café holding two small menus.

“H-hi, welcome to Altri Café!” She greeted with an inviting smile, trying to sound rehearsed although she ended up stammering a bit.

‘Must be a summer employee.’ Lucas thought, but refrained from saying it aloud.

The waitress handed both of them a menu, stumbling a bit as she did, but it didn’t take her long to regain her composure. “I’ll be back in a minute to take your order.” She said with a bow before walking back inside.

Lucas looked down at the menu, it had a modest selection of food, mostly sandwiches and pastries, but there were some other items too. It all looked appetizing, but it was a little expensive for a lunch.

“So… anything look interesting?” Red inquired out of the blue.

“I dunno, it all looks good.” Lucas shrugged, barely shifting his eyes from the menu. “The deli looks delicious though, I guess I’ll go with that.”
Lucas answered, choosing it only because it was the least expensive thing there.

“You eat meat?” Red asked, setting the menu flat on the table and shooting Lucas a questioning glance.

“Yeah?” Lucas said, confused by the question. “Why, is there a problem with that?”

Red shook his head apologetically “No, I was just wondering, sorry.”

It was then that the waitress returned, her timely arrival breaking the awkward air and taking their attention off the conversation, no doubt a relief for both of them.

“Ok, are you two ready to order?” she asked with another cheerful smile.

Red nodded. “Yeah. I’ll have a toasted BLT sandwich with some coffee, but hold the bacon, put some salami on it instead.” He said, the waitress scrawling the order down on a notepad, with precise detail.

“And you?” She turned to Lucas, who was attentively waiting to order.

“I’ll have a deli.” Lucas flatly stated. “And I guess a coffee too.” He added after a second of consideration.

The waitress quickly jotted down his order before bowing once more. “Thank you, your orders should be ready within a few minutes.” She said before disappearing back into the café again.

The two were quick to turn back to conversation after the waitress left, with Lucas being the first to speak.

“So, do you eat here often?” He asked, trying to stray as far away from the awkwardness of the earlier topic as possible.

Red nodded. “Yeah, I find myself coming here a lot in the spring and summer; it’s cheaper compared to some of the other cafes in town, and way better too.” He said. “In fact, I’d rather make the walk into town to go here than have lunch at home!” Red joked, the remark sparking a question Lucas forgot to ask.

“You live outside of town?” He asked. Upon hearing the question, Red made a noticeable flinch and started to shrink into his chair

“Y-yeah, I do…” He answered with an almost guilty tone, evading eye contact and trying to avoid a straight answer.

‘Maybe I struck a raw nerve asking that…’ Lucas guiltily thought when he noticed Red’s nervous reaction. Before he could start apologize, though, Red noticed something behind Lucas and, almost as instantly as he had receded, quickly perked up.

“Huh, what’s the matter?” Lucas asked. Following Red’s wide-eyed stare behind him, he found that it was directed at someone that was a few tables across from them. The man in question was a Charmeleon with a brown satchel; he seemed to be sitting alone and was drinking a cup of coffee in a sort of bored manner, and judging by how he slumped back into his chair and sighed lazily after he had taken a drink, he was probably quite bored.

“Do you know him?” Lucas inquired as he turned back to Red, but it seemed as if he had never heard him though, as Red’s only response was to get up from his seat and start walking towards the man.

“Hey! Where are you going!?” Lucas called, grabbing his bag and chasing after him.

By the time Lucas caught up with him, Red had already approached the man, staring up at him in wonder before uttering a very jagged “E-excuse me.”

Hearing Red’s words, the man quickly shifted his eyes over to him and back again, barely even moving his head in doing so.

“Yeah?” He flatly responded, picking up the cup of coffee and raising it to his lips.

“W-would you, by any c-chance, be G-Garret?” Red said, his voice quivering with so much excitement that he could barely speak.
Upon hearing the name, the man froze as the cup neared his mouth, and remained completely silent as he slowly lowered the cup down and placed it on the table.

“D-did I say something wrong?” Red asked, feeling like he had offended him with his question.

Flashing a quick smirk, the man shook his head. “Naw, it’s just that you’re the first one ta recognize me all mornin’” He said with amusement.

“S-so, you really are him?” Red said, his face beaming like he had just won the lottery.

Chuckling, the man turned to face him. “Yep, the one and only.” He smirked, making Red look like he was about to faint.

“Uh, Red, who is this guy?” Lucas questioned, not really sure of what was going on.

Almost instantly, Red’s face went completely pale with shock and his jaw unhinged to the point of almost falling off. “Are you SERIOUS!?” He exclaimed out of mortified shock. “Are you saying you haven’t heard of the Garret Coltstein of Team Triad!?” He asked, flying into a fanboyish rage.

“Uhhhh...” Lucas, wholly confused, desperately tried to say something but was cut off when Red continued his rant.

“They’re like, the absolute best exploration team ever, I mean, they’ve traveled the whole world hundreds of times and you haven’t even heard of them!?” He said, causing Lucas to nervously back away a few steps out of fear for his well-being.

Behind Red, the man looked to be a combination of humbled, amused and flushed as he lightly chucked. “Well, aren’t you a fan.” He slyly stated, snapping Red out of his ranting and saving Lucas from what surely would’ve been a certain demise.

Red, quite embarrassed, laughed awkwardly as he rubbed the back of his head, now somewhat sweaty from the ordeal. “Heheh, sorry about that…” He apologized.

“Hah!” Garret let out a sharp laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Lucas asked.

“Oh nothin’, I jus’ find it funny when folks apologize when they don’t need to.” He replied, briefly turning back to his coffee and taking another sip.
“So, what did ya want? Autograph? Interview? Maybe a nice chat?” He inquired, setting down the cup and going back to face them.

“You wouldn’t mind if we sat down and talked?” Red asked, astonished that he would even offer something like that.

The question caused another sharp laugh to sound from the man. “Nope. What, y’all think I’m some rich, prudish snob?” He replied jokingly. “… Ok, maybe I am.” He retorted after a moment of consideration. “Either way, I’m bored six ways ta hell right now, so a little socializin’ wouldn’t hurt, right?” He shrugged.

“I guess so.” Red shrugged back.

Garret made another amused smirk. “What are you waitin’ for then, take a seat.” He offered by gesturing invitingly to the two unoccupied chairs adjacent to him.

“Wait.” Lucas interjected as Red was going over to sit down. “What about our food?” He asked, having forgotten that their order was coming soon.

“It’s fine.” Red replied breezily. “They don’t mind if you change tables, I’ve done it before.” He assured.

“If you say so.” Lucas said. His worries satisfied, he nonchalantly joined the two at the table and quietly sat back as Red and the man struck a conversation.

“So where is the rest of your team?” Red quizzed, noticing that the rest of his group was absent.

“You must be talkin’ ‘bout Drake (Wartortle) an’ Vince (Ivysaur), right?” Garret asked back.

Red nodded. “Yeah, they’re usually with you all the time.”

“Well, if you’re lookin’ for ‘em you’re a little late, they left for Icaria a week ago.” Garret told him, the statement causing a puzzled look to form on Red’s face.

“Why didn’t you go?”

Garret stifled a chuckle. “Apparently they wanted ta give me a break for the next couple months. I’m surprised they even thought about leaving me behind.” He explained as he drank the last remnants of his coffee.

“What’s that supposed to mean.” Red asked in want of elaboration.

“What I mean is that those two can’t do anythin’ without my help, I’ll bet twenty that Vince has already set himself on fire tryin’ to light a smoke an’ that Drake has gotten them lost ta hell an’ back.” He said, half serious and half comical. “Well, it don’t bother me too much, jus’ as long as those two don’t come back in caskets.”

It was then that they noticed the waitress approaching, she was balancing a tray with both their orders and a coffee pot with such a clumsy wobble that Lucas was surprised that she hadn’t send the food and drinks flying in every direction by the time she got over to them. “Sorry it took so long, here is your food.” She said, setting the tray down on the table before letting out a sigh of relief. Lucas and Red nodded in appreciation before she handed them their lunch. After that was done, she turned to Garret and addressed him. “Oh, Mr. Coltstein, would you care for more coffee?” She offered, noticing his cup was empty save for some rich brown coffee stains.

Garret smirked slightly and nodded. “Sure, fill it three quarters.” The waitress then took the coffee pot off the tray and poured a fresh batch of coffee into the porcelain cup, carefully watching it so that she didn’t pour too much. Stopping at about the right mark, she placed the pot back onto the tray.

“Thanks miss.” Garret said, causing the waitress to blush and giggle a little.

“Ok, enjoy.” She bowed, picked up the tray and went back into the building one last time.
Lucas looked down at his food, it was a typical sandwich; a fresh-baked bread roll cut in half with a layer of delicious meat stuffed between the buns. He noticed when he picked it up that the bread was a bit airy, but it didn’t matter really. Taking a bite, he found the bread to be quite good, with the cold meat providing a good contrast with the warm buns. ‘Wow, this is really good.’ He thought in slight disbelief. Swallowing, he looked over to Garret and noticed that he hadn’t touched his coffee and was staring absently.

“Hey Garret.” Lucas said, putting down his sandwich. “Aren’t you going to drink your coffee?”

Garret glanced over to him, making eye contact with him for the first time. “Yeah, jus give me a sec.” He responded before shifting his eyes back over to something in the distance. Lucas looked at his eyes, he hadn't noticed it until he had saw at them straight on, but they seemed to radiate youthfully with a healthy deep blue, a sight that suddenly made Lucas recall a voice.

“Those eyes…” It mused, sounding almost surprised. “They are the eyes of a soldier…”

“Hey! You awake?” Garret’s voice broke Lucas out of his daydreaming.

“Wha?” Lucas sniffed, still half stuck in subconsciousness.

Garret chuckled. “Good, ya spaced out on us there.” He then opened his bag and pulled out a simple pewter flask. Unscrewing the lid, he began to pour a golden brown liquid into the coffee until the cup was full. After doing so, he then took a spoon and stirred the intoxicating brew until the color of the liquid disappeared into the dark brown coffee.

“What’s with th’ look?” He asked, noticing Lucas staring at him weirdly. “Normal caffeine is too strong for my taste, gotta mellow it out a bit.” He explained.

Lucas shrugged “I’m not much of a caffeine person either.” He picked up his sandwich and took another bite, savoring the taste.

“Nice bracelet.” Garret stated, noticing the wristband on his left arm. “It suits you.” He complimented.

“Thanks. I got it today.” Lucas said, swallowing in between both sentences.

Garret suddenly gained a pondering expression before he recalled something. “That reminds me…” He thought aloud, leaning under the table to get his bag.

Red looked at him in confusion. “Reminds you of what?”

Garret appeared from under the table clutching something tightly in his left hand. “I got this ‘bout a day or so ago. Take a look.” He said, opening his hand to reveal a necklace.

“A necklace?” Lucas asked, taking it out of his palm and holding it to the light. It was had the looks of a typical high-end necklace; a golden, teardrop-shaped pendant strung to a fine silver chain with a partially dulled shard of blue crystal placed in the middle of the pendant. Quite a fine work of art, for sure, but there was something about it caught Lucas’s attention particularly; a set of runes engraved into the gold surrounding the crystal.

Lucas tried to read the letters, but none of them made any sense to him whatsoever. “Hey, any idea what this says?” He quizzed, giving the necklace back to Garret so that he could examine the strange runes.

Garret looked back at Lucas with an unsure expression. “Sorry, I haven’t a hell of a clue.” He bluntly stated, handing it back to him.

“Well, that’s a shame.” Lucas said with disappointment. “Where did you get this thing anyway?”

“It’s kind of a funny story.” He chuckled. “A couple days ago I was walking into Nearst when a lady came up to me.” He started, leaning back in his chair and drinking some coffee before continuing. “She was dressed in a black coat that covered her face an’ seemed to be in quite th’ hurry. She gave me this bracelet an’ told me that I was s’possed ta deliver it ta someone important.”

“Who were you supposed to deliver it to?” Red asked.

“That’s th’ weird thing, when I asked her, she said that my heart would tell me.” He answered, the explanation drawing forth some confusion from Lucas and Red.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Red inquired.

Garret laughed with a scoffing manner. “Trust me, if I knew, I’d tell ya.”

Lucas looked back down the necklace in his hand, wondering what made the thing so important, and furthermore why the woman gave such a vague reply. “So what are you going to do with it?”

“Well, th’ way I see it, she trusted me to take it to someone, so that’s what I’ll do.” Garret replied, sipping more of his coffee.

“But how will you find who it belongs to?” Red asked.

Garret looked off into empty space and thought about the question for a few moments. “I guess I’ll just have to let my heart tell me.” He answered with a sly grin.

Lucas smiled at Garret’s clever response. “Well, I hope you find its owner someday.” He said, taking one last glance before handing it back to him.

“Might as well start lookin’ now with all this free time I got.” Garret considered, opening the bag and exchanging the necklace for a cigar. He placed it in his mouth and brought his right hand up to the foot of the cigar. He promptly lit it by snapping his fingers and creating a small spark.

“Why can’t you just go exploring by yourself?” Red asked, swallowing the last of his sandwich.

Garret chuckled. “I would, but it’s not the same when you’re going solo. I’d rather stick to a team; it’s more fun that way.” He sighed and slumped back into his chair. “Too bad young folks aren’t too keen on the trade anymore.” He continued, puffing a small ring of smoke into the air.

“That’s weird; two years ago it was as popular as ever.” Red said in mild disbelief.
Garret took another puff from his cigar. “I guess times have changed.” He shrugged. “You ever consider bein’ an explorer? It’s a mighty fine job.”

“Yeah, I have, I was thinking of making a team over the summer.” Red answered.

Garret cracked an delighted smile. “Really now? Well, if ya want, I can take ya under my wing an’ show you th’ ropes.” He offered.

Red’s face beamed with excitement. “Really!? You’d do that?”

“Yep, I don’t mind one bit, an’ your friend can come too if he’s interested.” Garret replied.

“Sweet!” Red exclaimed. “Hey Lucas! You in?” He asked, nudging him slightly.

“I don’t know…” Lucas responded, staring at the table in deep thought. ‘Wow, this is a quite a heavy decision they’ve thrown on me… I mean, it sounds kinda fun, but I’m not sure if I really want to take up something so big on my second day here.” Lucas thought, conflicted as to what he should do. He glance at Red, who was patiently waiting for a reply. ‘I really don’t want to let him down though… maybe I’ll do it, just to try it, and who knows, maybe I could find something about who I am.’ He nodded coming to a decision. “I guess I’ll come with you guys then.” He finally said, the answer greatly pleased Red.

Garret chuckled and put out his cigar. “Guess it’s settled then. Meet me at the plaza tomorrow around 7’ish.” He told them as he got up from his seat and slung his bag over his shoulder.

“You have to go?” Lucas asked.

Garret gave them a slightly apologetic smile. “Yep, gotta go run some errands. Sorry I can’t stay and chat.” He answered. “Well, see ya. Remember, we meet at 7:20 tomorrow mornin’, got it?” He reminded before walking off towards the plaza.

“Wow, how cool was that!?” Red exclaimed gleefully, giving Lucas a playful punch to the shoulder. “I can’t believe we get to go on an explorer with one of the best teams of all time!”

Lucas laughed slightly. “Me neither, but don’t go losing sleep over it though.” He joked.

Red then looked upwards to the sky and made an expression of startled realization. “Oh man! I lost track of the time!”

“Huh, you’re right.” Lucas replied, noticing that the sun hard started to come down from its midday perch.

“We’d better go, we need to get back to Prin’s before moonrise and there are still some shops I want to go to.” Red stated.

Lucas nodded in agreement. “Ok, let’s leave the bill here and get going then.” leaving the money for the food on the table along with a tip, they headed out. They spend the rest of the day browsing more shops and chatting, the topic mostly being tomorrow, which they were both psyched for. Sunset came a few hours later and they decided to head for the inn and rest for the night, after all, they had quite a long day ahead of them.

Walking into the inn, they were greeted by Prin’s inviting smile once again.

“Hey Red! Have fun at the festival?” He asked warmly.

Red nodded enthusiastically. “Did I ever! You won’t believe what happened today.”

As he told Prin about Garret and their exploration tomorrow. Lucas took another look at the painting. Running his paw lightly over the paint, he leaned closer and inspected the Ninetales depicted in the scene. He absolutely knew for sure that he had not seen it anywhere before yesterday, but at the same time, something in the back of his head could not dismiss its uncanny familiarity.

‘Why do I get the feeling I know this from somewhere…’ He thought before shaking his head in uncertainty and walking back over to the counter where Red had just finished explaining today’s events to Prin.

“Wow!” Prin exclaimed in wonder. “You’re pretty lucky, huh, going on an exploration with the Garret of team Triad.” “Anyways, here’s the key, have a nice night.” He said, taking the key of the holder below the counter and tossing it the Red. “And one more thing.” He added just as they turned to go upstairs. “If I’m not up yet by the time you two leave, just put the money on the counter.”

“Ok, thanks Prin!” Red nodded before they headed upstairs. Opening the door, Red dropped his stuff on the floor and hastily flopped onto his bed with a soft and airy “Pomf”.

“You’re energetic.” Lucas casually jested. He slipped himself between the cool, smooth sheets of his bed, noting how they smelled faintly of lavender.

“Sorry, I’m just so excited.” He apologized.

Lucas shot him a slightly annoyed look. “You’ll have to get some sleep if we want to get up early and meet Garret.” He scolded.

“I know.” Red sighed, pulling the drawstring on the lamp and turning the room dark.

“Ok.” Lucas nodded and cracked a tiny smile. “Good night.” He said before they drifted off to sleep…

Notes and Trivia:
*This whole chapter was reworded from the original, in which Lucas and Red made their own team with Garret's help rather than have him tutor them.
*The checkered armband Lucas bought was meant to be a reference to Roxas from Kingdom Hearts II, as he played a part in shaping Lucas's character.
*The girl was originally not wearing a black coat, but after I got farther into the building up the plot, I changed it for a very specific reason that won't become clear until much, much later.

Encyclopedia Links:
Garret:
Prin:
King Samurott:
Altria:
Icaria:
Castle Town:
Nearst:

Link Back to Main Page: http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f227/pokemon-mystery-dungeon-shadow-zoroark-154969/#post4873857
Chapter 3 Will be done within the month, and as soon as it is, I'll upload it, but for now... Chao~♥

 

[Stratelier]

Okay, I'll bite. Mild fan of PMD as a setting, so with that being said, I've only read chapter 1 but these are my thoughts.

Spoiler

1 - I'm not sure I like the design of your setting. Add too much human influence to PMD and it just doesn't feel like PMD anymore. So far, your characters are effectively indistinguishable from a human cast, they don't strike me as feeling 'Pokemon' enough. The reference to a dresser-presumed-to-contai-clothing solidified it for me: The setting just feels to human-centric for my tastes, it's not Poke-centric enough.

2 - But I'm only going to complain about this once, and I just did. The setting has to be accepted at face value because it's the foundation on which the story is built....

3 - Know Your Pokedex: I do not consider it normal that Lucas should become physically exhausted after a mere 15 minutes when Riolu are noted for having high physical endurance (Pearl, HGSS Pokedex entries). I agree he could be exhausted in several ways, I just don't see physically being one of them.

4 - Spelling check: Almost flawless, actually, though a few apostrophes managed to slip into some plural words here and there:

"...plus we don’t see Riolu’s around here often too…”

"Well, a long time ago, way before human’s showed up"

5 - Formatting tip: Consider double-spacing between paragraphs; having a blank line between them really does make it easier on the eyes to read

6 - Need moar semicolons. I saw one or two already but there are numerous sentences where you should probably use a semicolon over a comma because the surrounding clauses use 'smaller' commas already and you need something 'stronger'. For example, here is an excellent opportunity for a semicolon:

Kneeling, he undid the buckles and opened it up, inside were some basic items.

7 - Speaking of separations, any time you make a 'scene break' you need some kind of visual divider between paragraphs to make clear that it's not just an immediate continuation of the same context. Namely, right here in chapter 1:

“I’ve been waiting for you, Lucas…”
“How is he Doc?” A voice asked in an unnerving tone.

There's a scene break here, but there's no immediate indication of such.

8 - I don't have any good mental pictures of any characters; just a name and species label. I actually forgot which species Red was supposed to be (a Tepig or a Charmander? The tail on fire actually had me thinking the latter.)

9 - Speaking of which, avoid using Pokemon species as proper names unless they really are the character's proper name:

He re-examined the patched up wounds, no longer confined by the pain “So, anyway, what’s up with all these bandages?” Riolu questioned as the doctor administered another shot to his arm.

You probably just meant to type Lucas here. You have no character named "Riolu"; Lucas is "a" Riolu. And since Lucas is your POV character, there's no need to suddenly refer to him by less direct means.

That's about it for now. Not sure I can give feedback for everything, I have a story of my own that needs getting back to....

 

[ShadowDRGN]

Okay, I'll bite. Mild fan of PMD as a setting, so with that being said, I've only read chapter 1 but these are my thoughts.

Spoiler

1 - I'm not sure I like the design of your setting. Add too much human influence to PMD and it just doesn't feel like PMD anymore. So far, your characters are effectively indistinguishable from a human cast, they don't strike me as feeling 'Pokemon' enough. The reference to a dresser-presumed-to-contai-clothing solidified it for me: The setting just feels to human-centric for my tastes, it's not Poke-centric enough.

2 - But I'm only going to complain about this once, and I just did. The setting has to be accepted at face value because it's the foundation on which the story is built....

3 - Know Your Pokedex: I do not consider it normal that Lucas should become physically exhausted after a mere 15 minutes when Riolu are noted for having high physical endurance (Pearl, HGSS Pokedex entries). I agree he could be exhausted in several ways, I just don't see physically being one of them.

4 - Spelling check: Almost flawless, actually, though a few apostrophes managed to slip into some plural words here and there:


5 - Formatting tip: Consider double-spacing between paragraphs; having a blank line between them really does make it easier on the eyes to read

6 - Need moar semicolons. I saw one or two already but there are numerous sentences where you should probably use a semicolon over a comma because the surrounding clauses use 'smaller' commas already and you need something 'stronger'. For example, here is an excellent opportunity for a semicolon:

Kneeling, he undid the buckles and opened it up, inside were some basic items.

7 - Speaking of separations, any time you make a 'scene break' you need some kind of visual divider between paragraphs to make clear that it's not just an immediate continuation of the same context. Namely, right here in chapter 1:

“I’ve been waiting for you, Lucas…”
“How is he Doc?” A voice asked in an unnerving tone.

There's a scene break here, but there's no immediate indication of such.

8 - I don't have any good mental pictures of any characters; just a name and species label. I actually forgot which species Red was supposed to be (a Tepig or a Charmander? The tail on fire actually had me thinking the latter.)

9 - Speaking of which, avoid using Pokemon species as proper names unless they really are the character's proper name:

He re-examined the patched up wounds, no longer confined by the pain “So, anyway, what’s up with all these bandages?” Riolu questioned as the doctor administered another shot to his arm.

You probably just meant to type Lucas here. You have no character named "Riolu"; Lucas is "a" Riolu. And since Lucas is your POV character, there's no need to suddenly refer to him by less direct means.

That's about it for now. Not sure I can give feedback for everything, I have a story of my own that needs getting back to....

Thank's for the feedback, I really appreciate it. I take a lot of time proofreading these and revising, so criticism, both positive and negative, mean a lot to me.
Anyways, let me shed some light on some of these for you:
1-The human-centric world is intentionally done to invoke this, as I wanted to show how much time has gone by and how much has changed since the last installment in the canon series. The fact that the world has gotten so human dependent becomes a minor plot point later as, like all changes, there are some opposed to it and are working to rid of it.
3- I know of Riolu's endurance, It's my favorite pokemon, or course. The reason for Lucas's lack of it has something to do with his past, which I can't get into detail about for obvious reasons.
5- I'll fix the spacing issue, it's due to me pasting it from a word document with 10 spacing, which means when I press enter it leaves a gap that's 1.5x one space.
6- To be honest, semicolons are my biggest downfall with writing. My teachers never did any lessons on them, and any lessens that were done were subpar on detailing their usage.
7- Again, 10 spacing strikes again.
8- I'm not that good with quadruped pokemon, it's hard to discribe actions without being able to know what they're like physically. I'll probably get better at this once I start doing some of the Ponyfics I've been thinking about.
9- I'm not sure If you noticed, but neither of their names had been introduced properly let, so I had to use the species name in order to avoid complications in context.

 

[Stratelier]

Yes, you do have a right to withhold information for later that would be considered spoilers now It's welcome to hear you were already aware of it, though.

Some responses for Chapter 2:

Spoiler

Re: #9 - when you're narrating with your viewpoint character, they are already introduced to the reader so as a narrator you should never identify them in any other manner. We expect that unless otherwise specified this particular Riolu is Lucas, so there's no need to say "Riolu lifted his head up and looked around the area"; it doesn't matter whether Lucas knows where he is or if he's told other characters his name, you (the narrator) have already told us (the audience) what his name is.

More about the semicolon, Wikipedia lists basically two common categories of how and where to use it. The first and most common usage is this:
- To join two related sentence clauses without a conjunction. A semicolon automatically includes the necessary conjunction, while a comma technically does not. If your sentence clauses don't explicitly have a conjunction between them, use a semicolon instead of a comma.

In this usage, you can easily replace the semicolon with a period and each sentence would still be grammatically sound. However the two sentences are part of the same thought, so a period would feel like too much separation between them.

Semicolon:
"Well, it was a good thing you brought him here as quickly as you did; it looked like he was barely hanging on by the time you got him in here."

“It’s hard to tell; he’s been fading in and out for a while now.” A second voice said.

“I suppose you’re hungry; would you like a piece?”

Comma and conjunction:
"At first he was blinded by a bright light, but when his vision readjusted, the first thing he saw was a Tepig staring back at him with a relieved expression."

"As for his back, it felt like he had been run over by a steamroller, as he couldn’t move without an insurmountable pain surging through him."

Both in the same sentence:
"He glanced back at his wounds; it was hard to tell through the bandages but it seemed he had been stabbed from behind, though he couldn’t look for long without the pain driving him back."

But enough of that, on to chapter two.

1 - Some minor grammatical and semantic nits:

Spoiler

"could" versus "could've": could've is shorthand for "could have", which is transitive, i.e. requires a target object/verb following it to be complete. E.g:
"He had tried everything he [could] to sleep"
"He had tried everything he could’ve [done] to sleep"

(On a similar note, if you want me to give it a full scouring on spelling and grammar I can do that, your automatic spellcheckers will always miss a few. For example: )

Spoiler

Lucas could only really make out the tips of the roves rooves that topped the town's many buildings

That clock on the wall: This is the first time we're told that there's a clock on the wall; when you introduce something to the reader the first time you generally tag it with "a" instead of "the" because "the" is generally used in reference to something already established. Similar case with that blacksmith, it can be either "a blacksmith" (because the reader didn't know about the smithy yet) or "the town's blacksmith" (where "the" refers to the town which is already established, and not the smithy itself)

Nesting quotes: If you need quotation-marks inside quotation-marks, then use single-quotes.

- “So why did you call it 'The Great Kingdom'?”

2 - Did you know? If the moon sets an hour or two before the sun rises, this means the current phase is 'waxing gibbous' (about 3/4 full from the right side). If it was a waning moon, the sun would rise before the moon sets.

3 - You're using the word "people" metaphorically, right? Because we tend to associate the word "people" with, well, humans, and this is meant to be a PMD based setting. That's the weird part about using PMD as a setting.

4 - Since you're narrating from Lucas's POV so closely, it felt odd that you'd also narrate Red's thoughts (assuming those were actual thoughts and not something just muttered under the breath). I'm not personally fond of the omniscient narration style, myself, so if you're not going to use it regularly, keeping the narrator linked to Lucas's head implies you're going to stay out of others.

5 - I'm actually not liking your use of parenthetical notes to identify which species a given name corresponds to. If it's narration, then narrate it ("an Audino waitress", not "a waitress (Audino)"); if it's dialogue, just leave the name be ("Drake and Vince", not "Drake (Wartortle) and Vince (Ivysaur)") and you can mention their species once the character is actually introduced later.

 

[ShadowDRGN]

3 - You're using the word "people" metaphorically, right? Because we tend to associate the word "people" with, well, humans, and this is meant to be a PMD based setting. That's the weird part about using PMD as a setting.

4 - Since you're narrating from Lucas's POV so closely, it felt odd that you'd also narrate Red's thoughts (assuming those were actual thoughts and not something just muttered under the breath). I'm not personally fond of the omniscient narration style, myself, so if you're not going to use it regularly, keeping the narrator linked to Lucas's head implies you're going to stay out of others.

I am using "people" metaphorically, yes. As for when I showed Red's thoughts, it wasn't a change in POV... you'll see what I mean later.

 

[Stratelier]

Minor apology that I intended to finish reading Chapter 2 but ran out of time yesterday. Let's try to finish it this time:

Spoiler

I don't want to just go back and nag on a previous subject, but I did start wondering if the reason Lucas couldn't get any sleep at the inn was due to overheating. The mention of blankets on the bed had me thinking that Lucas shouldn't need to be wrapped or covered in them, because he's already got a blanket of sorts: His own fur. And June is not exactly a cold time of year. IMHO I would imagine furred Pokemon sleeping 'on' a bed rather than 'in' a bed.

On the subject of Pokemon species names and descriptions, if you haven't checked out this forum discussion you might want to give it a look:
http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f455/description-pokemon-canon-characters-necessary-152965/

One quick spell check I noticed:
“I can’t believe we get to go on an explorer exploration with one of the best teams of all time!”

And ... wow, apparently I didn't leave much off yesterday, that's actually it for now.