TEEN: - Complete Pokemon The Advanced Generation Episode 30: Jessie`s Hostage Prize

[Plasma-Cannon]

Pokemon The Advanced Generation
Episode 30:Jessie`s Hostage Prize

It was a peaceful summer morning on Cinnbar Island,and Ash Ketchum had already competed in the Hoenn League,his six Pokemon were Sceptile,Blazikan,Swampert,Pikachu,Hitmonchan,and Snorlax
and their new partner,Jake Nightmare was being closely watched by Team Rocket,trying to kidnap him,so Jessie could have him and make him the new boss of Team Rocket.He tried their game,and won the game,then he went in the back,and Misty,Ash,Brock,Haruka,and Tracy went looking for him.They saw the stand where he went in transform into a Meowth balloon,then Team Rocket yelled ' Goodbye twerps,your friend is with us now HHAAAHHHH " Ash and the gang flew on their Pokemon and tried to go after them,but they called out their Pokemon and landed Ash and the gang into the fields of the Team Rocket Headquarters,and ten members grabbed them and bounds and gagged them and threw them into the torture chamber.Jake struggled,but they brung him in,and Jessie took off the gagg and ropes and layed him down,he woke up with his favorite show on,and Jessie laying next to him,she put her gloved hand on his moutrh and kissed him gently on the lips,his eyes bugled and turned into hearts,he lay there and him and her went out into the kitchen and Meowth & James were cooking his favoirite meals and they liked this food too,Pepper Steak,Pepperoni Pizza Pasta,Double Bacon Cheese Burgers,Pepperoni & Jelly Sandwiches,and Sourworms & Cinnamon Buns for dessert,he knew all his manners and they all ate,he started to like it with them and called out all his Pokemon and stored all the rest of his Pokeballs into a save compartment where they could play and eat and other stuff.Ash Ketchum climbed into Jake`s bed,but Jake called James & Meowth and Jessie awoke from her slumber in their room and attacked Ash and the rest of the guysa and threw them into a pool of acid.................

Next Morning At 10:00 AM:"Well Greetings Master of Team Rocket",and Jake walked over and said"and Hello Mistress Of Team Rocket and Head Executives Of Team Rocket,and Cassidy & Butch keep cleaning those shoes I want everyone done,"Cassidy & Butch were lowered down too Grunts and they were the lowest of grunts,now everybody was happy and I Jake have fallin in love with Jessie,and I think I`ll stay with them,because they are my true friends .

THE END

 

[Togepretty]

Before I begin, I just like to state that I am trying to help you, so please remember that this criticism is for a good reason.

Okay, where to start?

1. Grammar. There are too many run-on sentences to name them all, but here is an example:

It was a peaceful summer morning on Cinnbar Island,and Ash Ketchum had already competed in the Hoenn League,his six Pokemon were Sceptile,Blazikan,Swampert,Pikachu,Hitmonchan,and Snorlax
and their new partner,Jake Nightmare was being closely watched by Team Rocket,trying to kidnap him,so Jessie could have him and make him the new boss of Team Rocket.

Most of those commas should be periods.

Example:It was a peaceful summer morning on Cinnbar Island,and Ash Ketchum had already competed in the Hoenn League.

2. Spelling. It would benefit you greatly, if you ran this through a spellchecker of some sort, or at least looked it over a few times so that you could spot all the spelling errors.

3. Description. Who is Jack Nightmare? What does he look like? Why is he with Ash? What is his personality like(this, I feel, is the most important description that has been left out). Seriously, this fic, tells us nothing about this person other than he is fickle, and is apparently extremely attracted to Jessie.

4. Length. It's way too short. If you described things, and didn't simply skip quite a large part of the story by adding "...", your fic would have more depth and be quite a lot more interesting. You should have explained why Jack suddenly just switched from being friends of Ash and Co. to being the head of Team Rocket. I mean, where is Giovanni? He is the head of Team Rocket, so why would they suddenly appoint this friend of the twerps as the boss?

5. Lack of plot. Can you explain the point of this story? What were you trying to accomplish? Is this a romance? A drama? A comedy? Because it's quite hard to tell just by reading it, for there isn't really a story here..yet.

You could do a lot with this idea if you just described things more. This fic is like walking in at the end of a movie. You have no idea what happened, and, honestly, the ending didn't seem good enough for you to care to find out.

Please, the next time you post something up, take the time and consider some of the things that I listed here. If you need further examples, try looking around at the other fics posted.

Anyway, I hope to see you post something again. Hopefully, maybe an expanded version of this fic. I could easily see this becoming an angsty/romance/dark fic. Maybe explain why Jack began turning evil while being held hostage. Keep writing!

 

[Rocky Cliffs]

.....please tell me this is a joke.


~Rocky "I'm just speechless. Utterly speechless." Cliffs