Pokemon the rise of darkrai- continued

[Aqua_vaporeon]

/ok this is my little fanfic, simpily a continue from Pokemon the rise of darkraiI hope you like it, it does contain Alamos shipping the shipping for Alice and tonio ^.^ So if you dont like the shipping i wouldnt read it!

Chapter one:

Alice and Tonio waved goodbye to Ash, Dawn and Brock as the sun slid down into the shadows. Darkrai, peaked at the top of the Space tower remained as Alice and Tonio walked back inside. Alice went to her bedroom and changed into her PJ's and got a good book to read. Tonio walked into the bathroom and cleaned his teeth, walking to his bedroom to do the same as Alice.

The next day arived soon, Baron Alberto walked into the towns square. "We must get rid of Darkrai! So what he did what he did yesterday but he is still evil!!!" He boomed. Tonio ran into the square too, soon followed by Alice. "Baron Alberto! He isnt evil! He is a nice pokemon that saved the whole city! You should be gratefull your alive Alberto!!" Alice cried. Suddenly a dark shadow formed on the floor and darkrai emerged. "Pokemon trainers!!!! Lend me your strength!! We can stop Darkrai!!"Baron Alberto continued. "NO! Dont listen to him!" Tonio shouted. "Lets battle then! Lickilicky go!!!"Alberto replied in a sneering tone, Lickilickys figuire emerged in a flash of red light. "Lets battle then, Breloom go!" Breloom emerged and got ready. "Ok then Chimchar lets get moving!" Alice said. "UNFAIR! Two people against one!" Baron Alberto laughed "Get one of your posy of trainers to help you then" Tonio replied, Baron Alberto wiggled his finger at a boy with a Buizel. He steped forward for the battle!

Chapter 2 coming soon!

:mallet: yay!

 

[Barb]

This isn't really much of a chapter. It's more like a prologue. Please don't capitalize all the letters of a word at the beginning of a sentence ("UNFAIR")--that's just not good grammar. Also, when writing dialogue, please don't bunch sentences into one paragraph. Use separate lines, like so:

"Pokemon trainers! Lend me your strength! We can stop Darkrai!" Baron Alberto continued.

"No!" Tonio shouted. "Don't listen to him!"

 

[Digichamp]

Um dude, I can barely read that plus it's really short you can't really have anything happen with that much context.

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

Why is Alberto suddenly against Darkrai again? What evidence does he have, given everything that happened?

And what's a "posy" of trainers, and is it anything like a "posse"?

But ultimately, is your Enter key broken?

 

[Blondie]

I agree. Wouldn't Alberto not have any bad feelings towards Darkrai anymore since it helped save his ass and it was found out that it wasnt him messing things up?

Also, try to be more descriptive.

 

[Chryseis]

Blue text. . . not nice on the eyes.

 

[The King of Nidos]

I agree. Wouldn't Alberto not have any bad feelings towards Darkrai anymore since it helped save his ass and it was found out that it wasnt him messing things up?

Also, try to be more descriptive.

Hey no double posting!

 

[Chryseis]

I think you'll find it was an accident . . .

 

[Digichamp]

Hey no double posting!

Dude don't worry about it, it was just a simple accident it happens sometimes, plus if she was double posting it wouldn't be say the exact same thing

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

I took care of the double post, but please people--if you see something that you think violates the rules of the site, report it! Don't complain about it in the thread!

Also, if you see that you've made an accidental double post, please try to take care of it yourself. Accidents happen, but you can clean them up sometimes.

 

[Aqua_vaporeon]

Sorry i diddnt really have much time T.T Im feeling a little down at the moment, well just today really ='[ Thanks for telling me what to do and stuff but umm yeah most of your comments are bad and im only new T.T

Ill try and improve. Sorry.

 

[Zephy]

The font color is b l i n d i n g.
The story didn't have too much description and not spacing out the big paragraph chunk wasn't a good choice. Also some nitpicky grammar stuff. Work on that and we'll seehow this turns out, alright kid?
Also, no need to say sorry. You were brave posting your story up here for all of us to read. And since you're just new you can improve.

 

[Drew_A_Blank]

Don't feel bad, kid. Take the advice, improve, and write. I think it's great when kids want to write!

We don't (or shouldn't) expect you to be a Shakespeare when you first start out. So don't be discouraged!

 

[Legacy]

Agreed. The idea of the story is awesome! Just take people's advice and work hard to get better! Hey at least people are commenting and taking the time to help ya out, right? If it was REALLY horrible people would just ignore you I think.

 

[Aqua_vaporeon]

Thanks ^.^
Ill try to improve loads =] Chapter two will be done soon, i usually do them on a sunday at my aunties for some reason