Pokémon Trainer Battle!

[Lief Katano]

This 1st book is the XD Saga.
Prolouge:Orre,XD, and Collo
Before we go on about guys with feisty Pokémon, we must talk about a dude with Eevee and his brother. "As Cynthia reports it, the feisty trainer with a huge plan and a huge, type-shifting Pokémon has beaten her Pokémon, even her Garchomp, which has been impossiple to beat." the TV reporter said. "That could be Lucas!" XD, the younger brother said. "He sent me an Pkmn-Mail to my P※DA about beating the Champ." Collo, the older brother, snorted. Jovi, thier younger sister, and her Pluse and Minun, were watching. Mind, a Eevee XD wanted to evolve into Espeon, growled in her trainer's defense. XD sent a P※DA to Collo.
To: Collo [email protected][I/]
From: [email protected][I/]
urajrk｜
"Why you!!!!" Collo shouted. Jovi leaned forward. He thrust an empty Poké Ball from his coat. The orange power lines implented in his coat glowed. Jovi couldn't help it. "MOM SAID NOT TO USE THE SNAG MACHINE IN THE HOUSE!" Mind and her two linked relatives, Sun and Moon, sighed. They always fight, they thought. Then a sharp shock went down Collo's spine. Then a sharp beeping noise. He put the Ball back in his coat. XD laughed. The Aura Reader's Alarm went off. He tried to Snag a Gyrados. Alarm. Too funny! XD thought. "Ah, this piece of junk isn't worth it anymore." Collo said. He took off the orange lines, which took out a machine. "Orre's not as fun as it use to be." "Oh, yeah...Rui? Your girlfriend?" Collo slapped XD. "She saw a Pokémon with a dark aura." He adjusted his blue headband, kicking Jovi in the process."I'M TELLING MOM!!!!" she screamed. "Collo, your friend is here!"thier mom said.
"You are so into her." XD said, earning him another slap in the face. "Come in!" Collo called. Rui entered. She had a Lucario with her. "So...you said you saw a Shadow Pokémon?" XD said. "XD, your friends are coming to Gateon Port!" thier mom said. "Bye." he said.
See games for what they look like. Duh.

 

[Drakon]

First off, the enter key is your friend. I cannot stress this enough. Every time someone new speaks, place their speech in a separate paragraph.

Also, what is going on? Please put in a small summary so the readers can understand what is going on.

Who are Sun and Moon? Are they Humans or Pokemon?

I also noticed some spelling errors ("inplented" - "implanted"; "prolouge" - "prologue")

 

[White Len]

You really need to describe your characters. You can't tell the reader to do the research themselves.

 

[Lief Katano]

To the past two users that visited this page:
Not doing that stuff is my thing. Well, Collo is Wes from Colliseum (you saw thier last name, get it, Collo, Sieum, huh?) XD is Micheal from XD, and Rui...is Rui from Collo. That, is definetly duh! I thought I told you Mind was Eevee, and it's evolutions that evolve during the day and night are Espeon and Umbreon. Context Clues. Yeesh.

 

[Drakon]

"Not doing that stuff is my thing" is not an appropriate response to justify not describing your characters.

Also, context clues work for definitions ONLY.

I feel that rewriting this story with more details could make it much better.

 

[White Len]

He's right, you know, about your "I don't do that shit" attitude. Well, if you don't like dumping the description right into the story, you could always add a spoilered box stating the characters and how they look like, like in Warriors. However, even then you have to describe the setting and actions, to paint a picture for your readers. Also, let's think for a bit. Sure, with the help of Bulbapedia, you'd know what Coliseum and XD are. But take me for example...I had no idea what XD and Coliseum were. I've only played the Portables. Not everyone has played the games, so you have to describe the character.

 

[Lief Katano]

How was I suppose to know? Here, I'll explain:
Collo: I cannot explain his hair, but it's blond, what, oh, yeah, it's spiky. He has a blue jacket which acts like a bag. Before the prologe, however it has a orange pattern on the left sleeve.
XD: His hair is brown and spiky like Collo's. Except for his sleeves, his shirt is yellow. His sleeves are black with red stripes. On his shoulder is a metal ball, with a pipe connecting it to another ball with fingers. He has a blue headband.
DON'T MAKE ME DO THE GIRLS, AND YES, KRIS!!!!!
Red, wait...he looks like he does in FR/LG, but with a Gen. II PokéGear.
Gold, his HG/SS look, complete with Gen. IV Gear.
Brendan, his R/S look.
Lucas, D/P look, with Pt Pokétch.
Oh yeah, Kris is, you know, with a pink Gear.
Do it! Chapter 1, next.

 

[Drakon]

Your descriptions of Collo and XD are pretty good but a question remains.

I cannot explain his hair, but it's blond, what, oh, yeah, it's spiky. He has a blue jacket which acts like a bag. Before the prologe, however it has a orange pattern on the left sleeve

Okay, so what does his jacket look at the prologue? The prologue is the start of the story. What he was wearing before the prologue is irrelevant unless you can work it into the story later on.

XD's description is good. I can visualize him perfectly.

------------------------

Oh yeah, Kris is, you know, with a pink Gear.

Red, wait...he looks like he does in FR/LG, but with a Gen. II PokéGear.

Gold, his HG/SS look, complete with Gen. IV Gear.

Brendan, his R/S look.

Lucas, D/P look, with Pt Pokétch.

You cannot assume that people know anything about the character's appearances.

Please try your best to describe them in words instead of forcing people to go look them up.

------------------------

Also, Optimatum is right. Where are these characters? Are they in the Orre desert? An arena, building, a town? Just as a movie needs scenery, so does a story.

------------------------

All in all, you desperately need to work on your descriptions of the characters (except XD, he is pretty well done) and the setting. I would not say this fic is irreparable but without descriptions, it is as good as dead.

 

[Lief Katano]

Paragraph: Maybe.
Chapter 1: Hello

"Humn...Gateon Port...Southwest from here...I guess."XD said."Ah-ha! There it is! Gateon Port."
"Hey XD! It's me, Lucas!"
"And the rest of us!" Red said.
"Hey!" XD's smile turned into a frown as he saw Pika, Red's (female) Pikachu surfing by the boat. "Showoff." he mumbled.
"So you called, Pokémail, to be exact," Red said, "about Shadow Pokémon?"
"Yeah. Rui, Collo's girlfriend, said she saw some. What's more, she saw a Lugia with purple where the blue should be." XD reported.
"Oh, great. I take Collo, being stubborn, took of his Snag Machine." Red said.
"Yep." XD said.
"Geez." Red said.
You'd think Collo was listening to Rui. Nope. "Collo, I'm serious." she said, agrivated. Orre could be in danger, again, and he wasn't listening."Collo Sieum, are you listening?!?!?!" She did not like when people didn't listen to her. Collo was acting as if Magikarp were dying. Lame.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Collo said.
Rui kicked him. "Ow!!!" Collo said. Rui glared at him. He nudged it off. Lucario used Force Palm. Espeon blocked it. Espeon's jewel glowed and hurled it back. Rui hit him. And kicked him.
"Cipher is back, and maybe so is Snagem?" Gold said.
"Didn't Collo use to be a member?" Lucas asked.
"Yeah...wait, do you want to see something?" XD asked.
"Sure," Kris said.
"Go! Mind!" XD said. A white light appeared from the ball, with red, blue, yellow, purple, black, green, and liteblue beams around it.
"Eevui!" Mind said.
"Use Triumph Card!" XD said.
A card appeared in front of Mind. It glowed. It then just went around Mind. "I don't get it," Red said. "Ah! Pika, use Iron Tail on Mind!" Before the dented tail could hit, the 'card' unwrapped and flew to Pika. THWAP!
"Cool." Gold said.
"I'd say Collo is...suffering intense pain, by now." Red guessed.
"Wanna check? Before, I think someone has a Sun Shard at the Auto Shop..." Brendan said. So they went.

 

[Lief Katano]

Your descriptions of Collo and XD are pretty good but a question remains.



Okay, so what does his jacket look at the prologue? The prologue is the start of the story. What he was wearing before the prologue is irrelevant unless you can work it into the story later on.

XD's description is good. I can visualize him perfectly.

------------------------







You cannot assume that people know anything about the character's appearances.

Please try your best to describe them in words instead of forcing people to go look them up.

------------------------

Also, Optimatum is right. Where are these characters? Are they in the Orre desert? An arena, building, a town? Just as a movie needs scenery, so does a story.

------------------------

All in all, you desperately need to work on your descriptions of the characters (except XD, he is pretty well done) and the setting. I would not say this fic is irreparable but without descriptions, it is as good as dead.

Sorry...anyway, I cannot really describe Collo's jacket's pattern. Thanks for the XD comment...anyway, a summary:
*XD meets up with Red, Gold, Brendan, and Lucas.
*Collo ignores the incident.
Anyway, you should know what they look like...right...anyway next chapter Mind evolves...good, I'd say. Yes, Mind knows Bite. Be quiet. Collo's jacket is navy.

 

[Lief Katano]

Oh yeah! It's at Pokémon Lab, when it has Collo. ｜-o Otherwise, as noted, it was at Gateon Port.

 

[Lief Katano]

This is just for looking...kehkeh...
Chapter 2: Evolution!
"A Sun Shard!" XD said.
"Yes. Here you go."
XD obtained the SUN SHARD!
XD used the Sun Shard on Mind.
Eevee Mind glowed, and a purple beam shot out of the Sun Shard. It wrapped around it. It then went to Mind. Mind's fluffy tail growed skinny and split into two. It's legs grew, and it's height reached XD's waist. Brendan opened his Pokédex.「Espeon」「Type: Psychic」
「Unlike UMBREON, it goes with the sun. The jewel is said to contain PSYCHIC powers.」
"Cool." he remarked.
Espeon had a red jewel on it's head. The rest of it's body was purple."Nice!" XD said.
At the Pokémon Lab, Rui finished trying to talk Collo. She went away on his hover-cycle. "Hey!" he called. He went to where his Snag Machine was. Emphizize on was. "Where is it?" Collo shouted ragefully. He thought for a minute. "Go! Day and Night!" he called. "Search the lab!" He thought again. "Jovi!!!!!!"She came, he slugged. She dropped, he got. Yes, it was the Snag Machine. He then got the spare hover-cycle. He followed Rui.

 

[Blastoise]

Not doing that stuff is my thing.

When did being a moron become a lifestyle choice?

Context Clues. Yeesh.

This does not mean what you apparently think it means.

 

[Lief Katano]

Blastoise (user)! If you would stop thinking about that...AND I AM NOT A MORON!!!:argue:That was in the past. You are the moron. :argue: You are an idiot!｜ I just don't ushally do that stuff...But I'm trying to do better! If you look at Chapters 1&2, notice that every time a new character speaks, it's on a new line. Thank goodness he didn't ask for tabs...I don't have a tab button on my DS•i.
IDIOT!

 

[White Len]

OOHHHHHH. HE'S TYPING IT ON HIS DSi. I assume that means no planning, no drafting, no sense of direction? Ingenious. I have never seen a more perfect setup for such a perfect story.

 

[Lief Katano]

I...NEVER MIND!!! >:-O<<

 

[Drakon]

XD obtained the SUN SHARD!
XD used the Sun Shard on Mind.

You just broke my suspension of disbelief here. This is ripped almost verbatim from the games.

When you are writing a fan fic, you are writing the events as if they are actually happening.

I think a better to phrase things is as follows:

"A Sun Shard!" XD exclaimed.

"Yes. Here you go." Collo said, handing the Sun Shard over to XD.

XD accepted it, knelt down and placed it near Mind. She [Not sure if Mind is male or female but I will assume female] approached the stone and sniffed it. As she did so, a purple beam shot out of the Sun Shard and struck Mind, enveloping her in a purple aura.

XD and Collo gasped as Mind began transforming before their very eyes. Her fluffy tail grew narrow and forked. Her legs grew longer and she seemed to get taller. Soon, the light faded and revealed Mind, now an Espeon.

----------------------------

Also, I urge you to write a final copy on a computer with a word processor as a DSi is not conducive to writing.

 

[Lief Katano]

Whoops! My bad...Chapter...3?
Chapter 3: A Shadow Pokémon
As Collo and Rui came, a muscular man came, and Rui bumped into him.
"You messed up the look of Zook!" the man, apparently named Zook, said. "Now you'll pay!! Go, Zangoose!" A white light appeared around...someplace, with a red streak.
---You should note by now that send-out animations are different than in the games---
Instanousley, XD's Aura Reader opened. Shadow Pokémon identified. Pokémon: Zangoose.
---Is that enough for off the games? I couldn't make it too far off...---
"Go, Mind!" XD called.
"Espo!"Mind called.
"Triumph Card!" XD said.
The card appeared and wrapped around Mind.
"Shadow Rush!" Zook commanded. The card struck, and Zangoose took more damage than Pika.
"That's because the PP is low!" Red said.
"Go, Snag Ball!" XD called. After the Poké Ball was in the Snag Machine Loading Zone, the Ball had white lines 'grasp' it, and he tossed it. As it went to Zangoose, the lines loosened up and grasped Zangoose.
Clink. Bink. Blimp. Clunk
"I caught a Zangoose!"
---Note that here XD's first Shadow Pokémon is Zangoose, while in XD (game), Micheal's, his counterpart, is Teddiursa.---
"My Zangoose! I'll never forget this!" Zook said as he stormed off.
"Alakazam, Psychic." an unknown voice said. Zook was dragged back. "Pokémon should not be treated like that,"a older voice said,"Ardos, release."Zook flew to the ground. "I am Gre-I mean Verich." he said. "Suspicuios..." Kris said. "Farewell."

 

[Lief Katano]

En grande! Whatever that means...:lol:
Chapter 4:Jovi, and a new move
As Verich left, Kris kept wondering what in the world was so...odd about him. "I think,"Red said,"that she has been going at it for a minute."
"So, she's not going anywhere." XD guessed.
"I think."
"Ah."
A message arrived on Micheal's P*DA:
You need to find Jovi. She said something about going to Dr. Kamonkio's, the weired scientist
"I'm glad we aren't en route to Agate. Let's go!" Collo agreed.

Later...​

"Spooky house." Red remarked.
"Chicken." XD replied as he walked through a beam...
At once, a siren blared. A robot Groudon rose from the fountain after the water droughted. It, basically, didn't slouch. "Go! Mind and Zangoose!" XD called.
"Chobin sends out Sunkern and Gyrados!" a voice in the Robo Groudon said.
"Mind, use Triumph Card!" XD said. "Zangoose, use Shadow Blitz!"
Gyrados used Bite, and Triumph Card whacked it. It fainted. Same thing with Zangoose's Blitz. He then went so far enough that the Groudon broke. A short person with a lab coat and weird glasses fell out. Jovi ran out. Collo slugged her.
"You love slugging her don't you?" Gold remarked.
"Yep."Collo said.
When they got back to the lab to drop Jovi off, something big was happening...