Pokémon XD002: Dimension of Shadow

[Blazevoir]

This was an idea for a story I came up with after hearing about Platinum and the Distortion World. It's like my idea of a sequel to Gale of Darkness. This is also my first fan fiction so I'll be glad to have some constructive criticism.

Chapter 1: The mystery begins!
"Go Glaceon! I choose you, Leafeon!"

The trainer called his Pokémon from their Poké Balls. Vince, a trainer visiting from a distant land, had come to Orre for one thing and only one thing: battles. He had soon found a mysterious-looking man who accepted his challenge rather quickly. The strange man sent out his Pokémon, Nuzleaf and Ivysaur, and the battle commenced. Vince, hesitating for a second, noticed a strange purple cloud surrounding the Ivysaur but he thought nothing of it. "Leafeon, use Helping Hand! Glaceon, use Blizzard!" The Blizzard, strengthened by its partner's Helping Hand was strong enough to knock out both Nuzleaf and Ivysaur in one hit. The mysterious trainer recalled his fainted Pokémon.

"You're really good! I'm impressed. My name is Alect," he said. "I want you to come with me." Alect brought Vince into a dark, deserted alley.

"What are we doing here? What's going on?" questioned Vince.

"All in due time, Vince. All in due time..." Alect said ominously. Alect pressed a button which opened up a trapdoor underneath Vince's feet. Vince fell through the hole and landed in a secret underground cave. As the trapdoor above him closed, he realized it was too dark to try to find a way out. Peering in the darkness, he saw that there was in fact a light. A light that seemed to be moving towards him...

To be continued (in the next chapter)...

 

[Legacy]

haha pretty short, but i will still read the second chapter!

 

[Silawen]

Hey there! I don't have a lot of time, but I saw how short this was, so I figured I'd give it a shot. Hopefully my review will be of help to you.

~

Chapter 1: The mystery begins!
Enter.
"Go, Glaceon! I choose you, Leafeon!"

I would put space between the title of the chapter - which could be 'The Mystery Begins!', as it's, well, the title - and the actual chapter itself.

Seeing as the first is a direct address - which you did correctly in the second instance - I would put a comma here as well. ^^

The trainer called his Pokémon from their pokéballs. Vince, a boy visiting from a distant land, had come to Orre for one thing and only one thing: battles.

Personally, I wouldn't say 'the trainer' but 'a trainer', merely because 'the' tends to sound specific and you haven't told us who he is yet, so keeping us guessing would be fine.

Using trainer in the second sentence sounds repetitive, because you'd already used it before. We know he's a trainer, so you could use this spot to tell us something else. I used 'boy', but if he is older, you could use 'man'. This tells us something about both his age and gender!

He soon found a mysterious-looking man who accepted his challenge rather quickly. The strange man sent out his Pokémon, Nuzleaf and Ivysaur, and the battle commenced.

This would be a great point to add some description. What's so mysterious about this man? Is it the way he dresses, the way he acts, or is there some other reason why he would be considered 'mysterious'? You have to show us what he is like, maybe through some sort of scene, because outright telling us like this just feels hollow. Okay, you tell us he is mysterious, but why? We, as readers, have seen no evidence of this, so why would we believe that?

Vince, hesitating for a second, noticed a strange purple cloud surrounding the Ivysaur but he thought nothing of it. "Leafeon, use Helping Hand! Glaceon, use Blizzard!" The Blizzard, strengthened by its partner's Helping Hand was strong enough to knock out both Nuzleaf and Ivysaur in one hit. The mysterious trainer recalled his fainted Pokémon.

That's it? One hit? I know helping hand boosts the partner's move, but to knock out both pokémon in one hit doesn't just sound unrealistic, it's also incredibly boring. If someone owns a nuzleaf and ivysaur, then they're bound to be somewhat experienced trainers at least. Surely his pokémon could deal with one attack? Even if they're weak to the ice attack.

From a writer's stand-point, this isn't the greatest way to start out either. The very first battle you write, one that could showcase your trainer and his personality, ends after only one move? It makes your character come off as a gary-stu and the 'mysterious man' as a weakling. If he is supposed to be your antagonist, then that can't be good.

Also, if Vince is such an experienced trainer - owning two eeveelutions points to that, as they're rare, not to mention the one-hit knock out - then how can he not worry about the 'purple haze'? Poisonpowder, as I'm assuming that is what he saw, is a pretty common move for a grass pokémon to have and you'd expect him to be wary of that.

"You're really good! I'm impressed. My name is Alect," he said. "I want you to come with me." Alect brought Vince into a dark, deserted alley.

Why would Vince trust some 'mysterious man' like that? If I met someone who seemed sketchy, I certainly wouldn't follow him into a dark alley. It makes your character come across as a fool.

I'm very pleased to see you can properly punctuate speech, though. Good on you! ^^

Alect pressed a button which opened up a trapdoor underneath Vince's feet. Vince fell through the hole and landed in a secret underground cave. As the trapdoor above him closed, he realized it was too dark to try to find a way out. Peering into the darkness, he saw that there was in fact a light. A light that seemed to be moving towards him...

So if there was a light, then it wasn't too dark to try and find a way out.

~

This isn't really a chapter. For one, it's way too short in my eyes. This isn't even half of what I think a chapter should be. Worse, there doesn't seem to any storytelling. You're just telling us things. 'This boy went there. He fought. He followed a man. He fell. He saw a light.'

There's no drama, no description, nothing to draw us in and fascinate us. You have to look at a story as if it were a painting. Imagine you want to paint a beautiful outdoors scenery. Would you then write down 'beautiful scenery' on the canvas, or would you actually paint the trees, the bushes, the winding paths and glistening lakes?

You have to picture where they are, what they're doing, and then paint it for us. Start slowly. Decide where you want your character to start off at and then move from there. Provide us with a setting, then develop the characters and the plot you have in mind. Because so far, I don't see much of anything.

The other big problem I see is your character. I've read so very little, yet already Vince comes across as a Gary-Stu. He has special pokémon - leafeon and glaceon, actually pokémon very common to Sues and Stus - and wins with just one hit. Even for pokémon with 2x advantage over their opponent, that seems unrealistic. You could have started off making their fight longer and a lot harder. Give his opponent pokémon that don't have such a weakness to his, so there's a struggle. Better yet, give Vince new pokémon. I'm sure those two are favourites of yours, but I always advice against using eevee. *shrug*

Make him real. Imagine he's a real life person. How would he act, how would be be treated, what would he think? Would some 'mysterious man' challenge him, lose spectacularly, and then compliment him? Does that sound realistic?

All in all, I think this needs a lot of work. My suggestion would be to find yourself a beta and to work out a plot and first chapter with them. That way you get a second opinion. Hopefully from someone experienced and competent.

Good luck!

 

[Kimori-Hinoarashi]

Good start. A little short, though.

That's it? One hit? I know helping hand boosts the partner's move, but to knock out both pokémon in one hit doesn't just sound unrealistic, it's also incredibly boring. If someone owns a nuzleaf and ivysaur, then they're bound to be somewhat experienced trainers at least. Surely his pokémon could deal with one attack? Even if they're weak to the ice attack.

Blizzard has a high power.
BTW, most people can't tell if a pokemon is shadow or not. Unless he's related to Rui.