TEEN: Rebirth of Sinnoh - Volkner's Tale

[Ian D.]

As of right now, my piece of crap laptop is my only connection to the internet. As of right now, it may be going to hell at any moment. <_< So I'm going to be careful here... *reminds self to write documents in e-mails*

And it may have something to do with my impatience. Probably majority impatience... meh. Either way, a helluva lot earlier than planned, here comes...

The Rebirth of Sinnoh
Volkner's Tale​

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Chapter 0: Prologue

Slowly, quietly, the raindrops echoed off the roof of the tiny shack, running down into the gutter and eventually returning to Earth. Earth was a place that the boy resented right now, as he sat up in his room, watching the rain from the dirty window.

Volkner Sune was fourteen years old. He stood at roughly five feet, probably a bit taller, but he wasn't sure by how much. Dirty blonde hair rested atop his head, keeping him the consistent target of teasing because of its resemblance of urine – at least the normally colored stuff. His torso was thin and bony, despite his rather heavy eating habits, which he was admittedly grateful for.

Today was a bad day for him. It was a bad day for the dreary Olivine City, it seemed, too: heavy rain, strikes of lightning and empty streets were all he saw throughout the day. Of course, this was the perfect environment for Volkner. He hated people. Dots of life bustling through the streets, going about their happy little lives... it sickened him. How could people be happy? How could people be happy when he couldn't be?

He sighed, sitting up from his laying position on his bed. His hands fished around in his pockets for the phone that rested in one of them – finally, his fingers gripped the cold surface of the tiny mechanical device, and he flipped it open, heading to his contacts list and pressing the “OK” button on a certain one. This was another thing Volkner hated. His economic status: his mother was poor. His father wasn't, but it wasn't like his father to support him anyway. So he was stuck with the most basic phone his mother could afford, a flip-phone with basic tools and calling functions. The damned thing didn't even have a camera.

“Hello?” a voice said on the other end. He could identify the timid tone immediately.

“It's a crappy day, Jasmine,” he muttered.

“...I'm sorry to hear that.”

Poor Jasmine Steele, he mused. Chose to make buddy-buddy with the wrong person. She was his ranting bag – nothing else, really. He supposed he would ask her about her day. Maybe someone else's problems would take his mind off of his own.

“Your own?” he asked.

“It's been alright. I got my first Pokemon today,” she said.

“...Oh? What was it?”

“She,” Jasmine started, “is a Onix.”

“God damn!” Volkner whispered. “Don't you think that's a bit extreme? That thing could rip you in two.”

Volkner heard a faint giggle, only further engaging his curiousity. “Rustina is my father's. He's domesticated just fine: a three year old could handle this gentle little giant...”

“...I'm jealous. I want something like that,” Volkner admitted.

“Don't you have Chuseph-” Jasmine started.

“I don't care about Chuseph. He's weak. An Onix is strong,” Volkner said, a bit too forcefully for his own liking: and from what he could tell, not too much to Jasmine's liking either, due to the thin gasp on the other end of the line.

“Volkner, that's-”

Once again, she got interrupted. “The truth.”

“Volkner...”

Volkner angrily removed the phone from near his ear and let it slam shut, automatically ending the phone call. He fell back onto the pillow, taking in its soft comfort, and grunted. Stupid woman. How was it she got the good thing? Chuseph should have been hers, and this “Rustina” thing should have been his. After all, she liked cutsie things, didn't she? It made sense!

Spitefully, he buried the phone beneath the pillow, closed his eyes and let himself drift off into the much preferable world of a dreamless sleep.



Two days later, things really were not all that different. But today... today, Volkner had a reason to get out of bed, go to school and come home. Today would be the day he would get out of this mess.

So he did. He got out of bed and went off to school, coming home and staying up in his room for a little while to build up the courage. Finally, he left his room and headed downstairs, sitting down in the living room across from his mother, who was sitting back and watching some bullcrap on their rickety old television.

“...Evenin', mom,” Volkner said.

“'lo there, boy,” Hannah Sune said absentmindedly.

“How are you?”

“Just fine,” she said. “You need somethin'?”

“I wanted to ask a question..”

“Then ask it.” She raised an eyebrow. “Ain't I taught ya that when something is on your mind, get it out?”

“...Right,” Volkner said. “I don't think it's any secret that I don't like Olivine City.”

“It's the best place ya got, kiddo,” she responded.

“Not if I leave.”

“A fourteen year old boy, leaving home? That's ridiculous, Volkner, and you know it.”

“People do it younger,” Volkner said.

“Pokemon Trainers?” A glint in his mother's eyes. He knew he had struck a nerve.

“I want to become one.”

“No. You're staying here, like a normal kid.”

Just then, Volkner was startled as the infamous tiny yellow mouse jumped onto his shoulder: Chuseph the Pichu, resting upon his shoulder, enjoying the comfortable fabric of his blue jacket. He added in his little part to the oncoming argument. “Chu!”

His mother continued. “Normal kids stay at home, grow old doing things like business and get married to a nice girl.”

Volkner stood up. “But mom, I ain't a normal kid!”

Volkner wanted to leave Olivine more than anything in the world: and his conversation with Jasmine Steele had given him the idea on how to do it.

“Volkner, give me Chuseph. I'm-”

“Chuseph? Really, mom? Giving him such a human name... he's not human. Not even remotely close! They're so much less than us. Learn your place in the world and learn his!”

“...I'm groundin' you 'til you get this idea out of your head, boy. Pokemon Training is sick and wrong. How dare you even think of pitting these poor creatures up against each other in sport?! They could get seriously injured!”

“Like it really matters?” Volkner spat.

He could see his mother's face turn red, and he could not help but smile.

“You can't blame an entire race for one's stupidity, Volkner,” she said. “That's like blaming the entire human race for a bank robbery.”

“Watch me,” Volkner whispered, then shook his entire body: he felt the light grip that the tiny mouse Pokemon had on his shoulder falter, and with another shake, the mouse was sent sprawling toward the big bad wooden floor.

One chink in his plan, though. He hadn't thought everything through entirely: he had forgotten about the small yellow and brown creature by his mother's side, the tips of its beast-like fingers curling out and glowing red, sending a similar aura to Chuseph's body. It enveloped the mouse, and brought him down safely onto the floor next to the Abra.

“...Your sentence has been extended,” his mother said after a few moments of awestruck silence. “You're not to leave your room unless you are coming down for one of the scheduled three meals, using the restroom, or going to school. No friends-”

Volkner stopped listening for a moment to think, “What friends?”

“...and no video games. If you apologize to Chuseph, I'll give you a regular sentence. Otherwise, this is 'til you leave my house for a place of your own.”

“...M-mom, that's-”

“Your sentence. Up to your room. Now.”

Volkner glared at her spitefully, and only because he knew he had been beaten. He had no counter argument. He only knew he could show his butt a little more and hopefully upset his mother some. Served her right. As he ran past her, he said the words he knew any mother dreaded to hear: a combination of three words reserved only for inflicting maximum emotional pain.

“I hate you.”

Up the stairs he went, curving around the hallway and flying into his room, the door slamming shut behind him. He flung himself onto his bed and buried his face in his pillow, letting out a choked cry. He had just had his one chance to get out of here destroyed: he was too smart to try and sneak off. He knew that f he did, h would be reported as a missing child, and everyone in Johto would be looking for him. And that put him right back at square one.. He hated this place. He hated his mother. He hated the world.

“What's wrong, Volkner?”

Volkner inhaled sharply, forcing himself to sit up and identify the source of this voice – it sounded sweet, almost melodic to his ears. He looked around for a moment or two through blurry eyes, before catching the source.

She sat on his windowsill, wearing a long white dress that covered even down to her feet. It was sleeveless, revealing pale, thin arms. Her face was gorgeous: the very sight of her seemed to make his worries go away for just a moment, before woefully returning. Her black hair went down to her shoulders.

“Who are you?...” Volkner whispered.

“A friend,” the girl said simply.

“But I've never seen you before in my life,” Volkner responded after a few moments.

“So? I'm still your friend, Volk.”

His heart skipped a beat. Not a soul had called him that- not since--

“So, once again – something wrong, Volk? You seem pretty upset.”

“Tell me who you are.”

“I told you – a friend. If you really want a specific name... well, you can call me Mana.” A smile crossed her lips. “It really is nice to see you, Volk.”

“How do you know my name? How did you get in here?” Volkner demanded, his hands clenching into fists. He was about to punch this girl: her cryptic, dodgy answers were getting on his last nerve.

“I know your name because I know it. I got in here through the window. Should really get locks for these sorts of things.”

“Sarcastic little...”

She giggled, making Volkner flinch.

“Shhh, Volk. Listen up, now. I've got a favor to ask of you.”

“I'm not doin' any-”

She leaped off the windowsill, walking slowly in his direction. He pulled backward, going up against the headboard of the bed, pressing himself flat until she sat down almost next to him, leaning in and giving him a simple kiss on the cheek.

“...I've missed you, Volk. Thank God for this opportunity. But I've got to... I've got to send you away for a little while. See ya later, 'gator.”

And with that, Volkner looked up and saw a flash of green and pink light, swirled together: then it disappeared, replaced only with darkness, the sweet darkness of unconsciousness.

Volkner Sune heard one last thing.

We will do you a great favor, child...
...Just as long as you do us one first.

---

Author's Note: As you asked, @Gastly's Mama; , there's yer tag.

 

[Misheard Whisper]

Hoo boy. I don't have time for a long, detailed review right now, as I have other fics to check out in far greater detail. I'll just quickly touch on a few things. DISREGARD THIS ENTIRELY

For some reason, I haven't actually got around to reading your fics, which is strange, as I see you as one of the more promising new writers, if that makes any sense. (Even though I'm the newbie here . . . eesh. You know what I mean.) In a sense, you can look at this as something of a review exchange, because I really do appreciate you dropping in on my fics.

Volkner. Yes, I actually can see him acting like this as a kid. I'm not quite so sure about the apparent callous disregard for Pokemon's safety and his opinion of their inferiority, but I can see that becoming a major plot point rather than a point of disagreement. At this point, what I do recognise in him is the same stubbornness and sullenness that was evident when I battled him in Sunyshore in Diamond and Platinum (Haven't got there on my Pearl yet). I can easily see this sort of young man growing up to become the sort of guy to get bored with Pokemon battles simply because of a lack of strong opponents. So on the whole, I enjoy your portrayal of Volkner here.

One thing I particularly enjoy, too, is how you picked up on the relationship between him and Jasmine. I loved it when she appeared in Sunyshore in Gen IV, and the fact that Sunyshore and Olivine are both lighthouse cities brings up an interesting parallel. I can imagine Volkner being drawn to Sunyshore because of some kind of nostalgia or longing for his home. Also, Jasmine is the cutest little thing since ever and she needs to be in more fanfics.

Volkner's mother also seems a strong character. She fits the trope of overbearing, controlling parent well, but at the same time it doesn't come across as heavy-handed because that's exactly where she needs to stand. I do see the love behind her actions as well, however, which is an important thing often forgotten by authors making use of such characters. Her feelings for her son are evident - to me, if not to Volkner.

From the perspective of someone reading a potential journeyfic, she is also interesting. While kids with parents opposed to the idea of Pokemon Training are not uncommon (in fact, they may be more common than the alternative, while the vast majority unfortunately still remain statically apathetic), it's a bit of a twist to see one opposed to the idea because of a moral objection to Pokemon battles themselves rather than some overprotective maternal instinct that compels them to keep their children cloistered and sheltered until they are finally released into the world fully grown (and likely, entirely clueless). So yes, Volkner's mother is a character that I like so far, though I feel she won't be appearing much - if at all - in future.

In terms of surface features . . . I see no major errors with spelling or grammar - just a couple of syntax hiccups here and there. I'll skim through again and see if I can find the couple I picked up on . . .

“She,” Jasmine started, “is a Onix.”

I think you want an there, because Onix starts with a vowel sound. Oh what the hell am I saying, you know this. It's clearly a typo. I'd be insulting your intelligence if I implied otherwise.

... Eh, I can't see too much else, actually. My policy when reading for grammar errors is: if you can't remember it when you finish the chapter, it's not a problem so don't sweat it. Yes, I'm a terrible grammar reviewer, despite my OCD.

I could go for a little more description here and there. You described Volkner in the first paragraph (second paragraph? Dunno if that italics-y bit counts), but I personally don't like that. While I have nothing against the description being at the beginning, it feels quite alienated from the story. There's nothing to link it to the rest of the prologue, and it just sort of seems like it was . . . dropped there. So yeah, that's one negative for me. I prefer to see description of main characters integrated a bit more with the rest of the narration. (Protip: characters staring broodingly into mirrors is a wonderful way of doing this, and would suit your emo Volkner quite well, I think.) Back to what I said at the start of the paragraph, the actual physical description in this chapter is quite sparse. While it's not essential to a prologue-like segment like this, it does make it flow a little better, and it helps the reader to picture what's going on. I'd like to see a bit more of what Volkner's house is like, and maybe his mother too. Because, Arceus forgive me, thanks to that accent, I am seeing Clay sitting in that chair and drawling away in his Southern accent. :/

Jumping all over the place in this review, aren't I? Here I go again:

He sighed, sitting up from his laying position on his bed. His hands fished around in his pockets for the phone that rested in one of them – finally, his fingers gripped the cold surface of the tiny mechanical device, and he flipped it open, heading to his contacts list and pressing the “OK” button on a certain one. This was another thing Volkner hated. His economic status: his mother was poor. His father wasn't, but it wasn't like his father to support him anyway. So he was stuck with the most basic phone his mother could afford, a flip-phone with basic tools and calling functions. The damned thing didn't even have a camera.

“Hello?” a voice said on the other end. He could identify the timid tone immediately.

That last part seems a bit unnecessary to me. If he was the one who scrolled down to her name and pressed call, he wouldn't need to work out who he was talking to once she picked up. It just jolted the flow a little bit for me.

Umm, there was something else. Oh yes, the tension. Back to Mrs Sune again, dear me. I enjoy how the tension was used in this chapter. It makes a great setup for the following story, and it's handled well. It doesn't escalate too far, which I think would actually ruin the effect created, so well done on the balancing act there. I'm now extraordinarily interested, of course, in what Volkner will do next.

Oh yeah. That's right. I was deliberately leaving one aspect of the chapter till the end of my review, just so that I could take it head-on with all other things considered. When thinking about confusing aspects of stories, I like to write out the rest of the review first - it helps me wrap my head around the context a bit better.

So. Mana . . . gdi. Before I start, quick stylistic note. The three places I've seen you use colons, :, should all be semicolons, ;. Colons are usually used to start lists or to give clarification. Semicolons are for two independent, free-standing, but ultimately linked sentences, which is what you have on all three occasions. Actually, no, never mind. On a quick check back, I see more than three. Things like this one:

“I don't care about Chuseph. He's weak. An Onix is strong,” Volkner said, a bit too forcefully for his own liking: and from what he could tell, not too much to Jasmine's liking either, due to the thin gasp on the other end of the line.

This colon should actually be a comma, because the part after the colon is not an independent clause. It doesn't read as a full sentence by itself, which is the prerequisite for a semicolon, which is what I think you were going for here. I can't really explain them too well, so I'd like to link you to The Oatmeal's very enjoyable - but also insanely helpful - article on the subject.

NOW FINALLY. Back to Mana. (This is turning out to be a full-fledged 'big review', isn't it? Le sigh. Looks like I lied in my first paragraph.) Mana is a character of a kind I see a lot. She comes across as waif-like, ethereal and mysterious, while also managing to be adorable and highly traumatising all at once. So kudos for that, at least. What I find interesting is the apparent supernatural element you have going on here. We have a cute little girl with the power to hypnotise people with kisses and make them see swirls of colour that would make an LSD junkie envious. I'm interested in the hint of an exchange of favours at the end of the chapter, and I'd like to find out who the mysterious party is that wants to make a deal with our young Volkner, and also why Mana seems to know him. Is she a forgotten memory from his past? I'm sure we'll see. (So tag me in, by the way!)

Another stylistic note, once again on the topic of description.

She sat on his windowsill, wearing a long white dress that covered even down to her feet. It was sleeveless, revealing pale, thin arms. Her face was gorgeous: the very sight of her seemed to make his worries go away for just a moment, before woefully returning. Her black hair went down to her shoulders.

This . . . this is it? Like I said earlier, I'd like to be able to see her in my head. She has black hair that goes down to her shoulders. Is it frizzy? Curly? Silky and straight? Ringlets? But that's not quite so much of an issue. What I do take umbrage at - for two reasons, actually - is the phrase 'Her face was gorgeous'. Firstly, it's a prime example of 'show, don't tell' - that is, you're telling us she's gorgeous and expecting us to believe it without questioning it. Secondly, how is it gorgeous? Different people have different opinions and perceptions of beauty. Is her face slim and elfin, with high, sculpted cheekbones and eyes like limpid black pools that you could drown yourself in if you looked too closely? (NEVER use the word 'limpid' to describe eyes, by the way. Just . . . ugh.) Is her face round and childish, with piercing blue eyes that bely her age? Does she have narrow, white lips or full, red ones? Is her skin deathly pale (which is kinda what I picture), heavily tanned or somewhere in between? All of these details are crucial. While it's not essential to mention every single one of them, I'd like to see at least one or two of them to bring some colour and personality into this girl (or lack thereof, depending on what you want to achieve).

I think that's just about it, isn't it? Reading and reviewing this was a lovely way to spend forty minutes, so thank you for that. Again, tag me tag me tag me! I'll try not to get snowed under by all these fics I'm reading. I think this might have to be the last one, plus the ones I've already reviewed/promised to review. I ended up giving this a far longer review than I intended, but I'm sure that's not a bad thing. :s Keep it up, and I'll be following along with you, though I can't promise every review will be as in-depth as this one.

 

[Ian D.]

Hey. HEY MISHEARD WHISPER. PSSSTTT. China called. They want their wall back.

I'll respond to your review later, @Misheard Whisper; . In all honesty, don't feel like it right now. XD It will be done though.

Also, folks, don't expect chapters to normally come up this quickly. I just happened to be about halfway done, and got it completed this morning. Chapters will be released on a "whenever the hell I'm done with 'em" basis instead of a schedule.

Rebirth of Sinnoh
Volkner's Tale​

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Chapter One: Stranger in a Strange Land

“Just so you know, it's kinda annoyin' when ya try'n push me like this,” the girl said, running her hand over her forehead to push strands of caramel brown hair away from her face.

“Oh, is that so? Well, then, remind me to try harder. 'Kinda annoyin'' is far from what I'm going for.” A smile crossed the older woman's lips: the younger one couldn't help but smile as well.

“Lily, I'm not goin' in that place,” the younger one said.

“Gardenia, you're never going to get over your fears if you don't,” Lily Florence said.

Gardenia Florence shook her head. “Sucks fer me then.”

Lily Florence sighed, placing her hands on her hips. “You're a stubborn arse, Gardenia.”

Gardenia offered a sly grin, different from the shy smile she wore seconds before. “Where'd'ya think I get it from?”

“...Touche, little girl. Touche. Anyways, I want you in that place by sometime tonight. Don't matter to me when. Bring back an Old Gateau – one I placed inside, lil' Missy, so don't get any funny ideas. I know what it looks like – as proof that you were there.”

“Lily-”

“Don't Lily me, Gardenia. This is an order from Gym Leader Lily, not mom Lily or friendly Lily,” Lily said, hands on her hips, a stern look in her blue eyes. Gardenia's own green ones met them, and she knew immediately that it would be stupid to deny her any longer.

“...Yes ma'am. But if they find my body there...”

“I'll take full blame,” Lily said with a smirk.

“You 'd better!”



Gardenia Florence was, quite frankly, scared shitless. Her one totally debilitating phobia, and of course her dear, sweet mother was going to mak her face it right in the eye. The Old Chateau was a building just less than a mile west of Eterna City, well within walking distance, that had a legend to it.

Long ago, it was said that the rich folks who lived there invited some other rich folks over for dinner. Of course, some variations of the legend said that was a literal interpretation. As in, they ate them. But the interpretation Gardenia believed was that the jealous butler, jealous of their riches and his forced servitude toward them, poisoned them: all of them, and then killed himself out of guilt. The spirits of the two families were supposed to be haunting the place to this day.

That was her fear. Her one and only phobia in which she truly could not face: ghosts.

“A beautiful young lady such as yourself traversing the roads alone? O, the humanity of it all!”

She recognized the voice, and turned to confirm her suspicions. The man she saw had both of his hands resting atop his brown-haired head, a sly grin on his face. Dressed in his usual white t-shirt and jean shorts, Willow Bryant looked as much like a kid, despite his five or six years senority to her, as ever.

“Will, I suggest ya be quiet,” she said.

“I will be as loud as I wish, m'lady. Just as long as you fight me about it.” A grin crossed the young man's lips.

“What're ya botherin' me for?” Gardenia asked.

“Lily asked me to join you for your ghost huntin' exploration,” he responded.

“...Don't put it that way,” Gardenia deadpanned.

Will locked his hands behind his head, beginning to walk forward, and Gardenia continued on her way as to keep the lead. “Well, then, m'lady. Shall we go?”



“...Well, there're these big bushes in our way. And the fence is too tall... L-looks like we ain't gonna be able to m-muh-make it,” Gardenia said nervously, turning and beginning to walk the opposite direction.

“Hey, hey! I've seen you do more strenuous things than climb over a fence, Gardenia! Get'cher pretty behind back here.”

Willow Bryant grinned from ear to ear, trying to make it as clear as possible that he was loving this chance to torture his childhood friend.

“...Damn it, Willow, I'm-”

“Scared?” His expression went from goofy to serious with the blink of an eye. If all-about-appearances Gardenia was willing to admit that...

“...Yes,” Gardenia whispered.

Willow smiled softly, extending a hand. “Ghosts ain't gonna harm you, Gardenia. Especially with me around. Now c'mon. Let's go get rid of this fear.”

Gardenia stood silently for a few moments, a look in her eyes as if pondering whether or not to accept. Willow was patient, and after a while, she took his hand and nodded once, weakly.

“Let's go.”

The two of them made a quick hop over the short fence that surrounded the building, and began to walk forth.



The Old Chateau could only be called small by a blind man. It stood looming above the trees of the forest, in turn leaving humans as little more than dwarves. It was painted a dark black on the actual home, while the roof was instead opted to be unpainted, leaving it a bright shade of brown. In the black paint, sections of it had started to chip off, giving the walls a sort of polka dotted brown-black scheme.

Inside, things were different, Gardenia mused. From what she could see, everything inside was more of a dark brown color, even the floor tiling. Key phrase being, “from what she could see”. Since the home was pretty old, it held no working electricity, so sight in itself was very difficult. Willow's eyes were more efficient in darkness, she realized suddenly – that was why Lily had sent him.

“...Will-”

“Let's get some explorin' done, eh, Gardie? It's got to be interesting, this old place.”

“...Y-yep,” she murmured.

He winked in her direction, and the two continued forth. The design so far was pretty simple: two staircases, one leading left and the other leading right, a door right in front of them and a statue on the left of the door. As they passed, Gardenia got a sudden chill down her spine, her muscles locking up.

“...Will, I can't shake the f-feelin' somethin' is watchin' us,” she whispered.

“Probably is,” he said. Gardenia felt her heart rise into her throat. “An old place like this is bound to attract Pokemon. It's 'prolly a Bidoof.”

“You scared me!”

“Didn't mean 'ta, believe it or not, m'lady,” Will said, a comforting smile still on his face.

“...I don't believe ya. But I'll kill ya later. Let's get this done and over with.”

“Righty'o, Gardie.”

The two continued to walk through, finding themselves in a kitchen – a big one. But something seemed off here as well, something Gardenia could not quite manage to put her finger on. In the center of the room was a long, but narrow table still dressed in a table cloth, an assortment of rusted silver dishes placed on top.

“Wow... think these things would be worth anything?” Will mused.

Gardenia slowly shook her head. “With all that rust? They're pretty much t-trash..”

“Touche. How about under the tables, though? Why don'tcha check?”

Gardenia lifted up the drooping table cloth, fell flat onto her backside and shrieked in terror. Looking at her were a pair of human eyes.

“Shit! Gardie, you scared me for a second. You okay?”

“...There's...I...you...look...”

Will knelt in front of the table, lifting up the cloth. She saw him visibly shudder, reach down beneath, moments later looking at her, his eyes wide, his face pale.

“...G-...Gardie. Listen up. W-..we... we need to be calm. This guy... he's- he's still alive. Here's the p-puh-puh-...plan... you have your phone with you?”

Gardenia reached into her pockets with shaky hands, pulling out her phone.

“Call a medical u-unit... tell 'em to meet us outside of Eterna Forest. Let's get movin',” Willow whispered.

Gardenia did so, and the two mobilized. But before they left, Gardenia noticed a small object on the floor that rolled out when Willow pulled this yellow-haired guy out. A Pokeball, she realized: quickly, she grabbed it and stuffed it in her pocket, before going after Will.




Volkner Sune felt little more than the steady thumping of his heart, and heard nothing other than a rythmic beeping sound. A heart monitor, he realized after a few moments of silent contemplation. His own? Possibly.

Eyes peeled open to a steady stream of filtered light, various images and shapes forming before him, but none of them were comprehensible. Sounds entered his ears, new ones, fresher ones, but he could not identify them.

“...He..o...”

A thick, country accent. Where was he? No one at home had this kind of accent. And... nurse?

“...Where am I?” he managed to choke out.

An unfamiliar face looked down to him: a woman's. Thin nose, green eyes and caramel brown hair, blocked from inconvenient eye-contact by a black headband. “Yo. Welcome back to Sinnoh, bud.”

“...Sinnoh?” The name sounded unfamiliar.

“Right. Eterna City, if ya wanna be specific. But that don't matter. How're ya feelin'?” she asked.

“Confused.”

“That so? You ain't got amnesia or whatever, do ya?”

“...I don't think I do,” Volkner said. In all honesty, he wasn't too sure.

“You don't think? What's yer name?” the girl asked.

“Volkner Sune.”

“Well, at least there's that. Where ya from?”

“Oliv-” He stopped for a moment, wondering if it was a good idea to tell her this. None of this world sounded familiar. The places, the sounds, the people, none of it. After a moment, he simply thought: what the hell? “Olivine City...”

“Here on vacation, then?” she asked, eyebrows raised. “Johto's pretty far away...” Volkner did not respond. He did not need to: after a few moments of silence, she continued. “Anyways, nice to meet'cha, Volkner Sune. Name's Gardenia Florence.”

Volkner nodded slowly. “Sure.”

Suddenly, she drew in a sharp breath, as if just remembering something. She reached into her pocket, pulling out a small red sphere: no, red on the top, white on the bottom. He stared at it for a few moments.

“This thing yours? Found it near ya. Sorry if it's bein' nosy, but your Pichu is absolutely adorable.”

“My...Pichu...?”

Chuseph, you moron!

“Yep. He's lookin' lively.”

“...Right...thanks... can you leave him on the desk? Then leave? I just... I just wanna sleep...”

“Sure. I'll be back to check up on ya later- or I might send my friend Will. Either way...”

“...Whatever. Just go,” Volkner deadpanned.

“...Okey doke then,” Gardenia murmured, setting the Pokeball on the desk next to his bed, then heading for the door. Volkner shut his eyes and thought simply: what the hell is going on here!?

--

Author's Note: I realize this is short, by the way. Forgive me for that. But I felt it the perfect place to leave off.

 

[Ian D.]

Rebirth of Sinnoh
Volkner's Tale


WARNING: Chapter features a scene in which homicide is occurred, and briefly described. If this kind of stuff offends you, forgive me: but it's there.​

Chapter 2: Floral Arrangements/Blood in the Streets

Very little truly concerned Volkner Sune, but getting sent half-way across the world without his consent was certainly one of them. He thought about what to do all that night as he lay there in his bed at the hospital, staring up at the plain white ceiling. He did catch a wink of sleep. He did not want to.

Some time after that annoying hick girl left, a nurse came in to explain to him what had happened. He had been found unconscious in some place called the “Old Chateau” close to here. He had been brought into the hospital and examined, and doctors had determined it was nothing more than a case of dehydration, and thus he had been put on an IV and would be staying in the hospital for overnight monitoring.

Volkner was eager to get out. This was certain, but he supposed he could stand the night for some last minute relaxation before things got really hectic: and he had a feeling they would.

~ ~ ~

Gardenia Florence stood in her bedroom, staring at herself in the mirror to check out her appearance for the day: short, caramel-brown hair (“Makes ya sweet,” Willow had once commented), a black crop top covered by a green cape with a x-shape stitched into the center, and a pair of khaki shorts. She brushed a few loose strands of hair from her eyes and nodded, satisfied. For an eleven year old, she looked pretty good.

She removed her neck from the odd position it was in, removing the phone it held in position and instead pressing it to her ear with her hand. “Alright, Will. Meet'cha at the hospital, then?”

Willow's voice on the other side gave a simple, “M'hm,” before a “click”. Gardenia stuffed her phone into her pocket, then turned toward her bedroom door and walked off.

~ ~ ~​

“Now you be careful, ya hear?”

Volkner stood up and stretched off his tiredness, nodding toward the nurse. It was his release day, and he decided he would get out as soon as they would let him. He stood with some confidence now, having thought the entire night. He had come up with a plan. “Sure will, ma'am.”

The nurse smiled and nodded, trotting off to take care of other patients. Overly happy woman, Volkner thought of her. Annoyingly perky. He walked over to the desk placed next to his bed, picking up the small sphere on top and clipping it to the belt the nurse had given him as a gift. Annoying, but a tad bit useful, he supposed.

Just as he turned toward the door, two faces met his sight: the hick girl opened the door, her small stature right next to one of more comparable size to Volkner – some surfer-esque boy with his hands locked behind his head, trotting on into the room.

“'sup, Sune?” the surfer asked.

Volkner assumed hick-girl had told him his name. That was fine, but who the hell was he?

“...'sup,” Volkner responded.

“Looks like yer feelin' better,” hick-girl said. What the hell was her name again? He racked his mind for the memory, but it slipped past him.

Volkner slid his hand down his face, applying a small pressure to force himself into a higher awareness. He realized he had actually been dozing off.

“Somewhat,” Volkner said, “but the doctor said I'm free to go, so I'm going.”

“Oh? Where 'ta?”

Volkner figured he may as well be honest. “I dunno yet.”

Surfer raised an eyebrow. “You don't know where you can go?”

Volkner shook his head. “Not a clue.”

“Well, then you can come stay in the gym with us, eh?” he said. “I'm sure ol' Lily won't mind it, eh, Gardie?”

Gardie... Gardie- Gardenia! That's it.

Gardenia nodded. “I s'pose I can pull a few strings for ya, stranger.” She winked. “As long as ya pull yer fair share.”

“Gym?” Volkner asked. “As in, Pokemon Gym?”

“Uh-huh,” she said. “My ma's Lily Florence, the local gym leader! That's right – you're a trainer, aren'tcha? That's what the Pichu's for, am'a right?”

“Sure,” Volkner said. “I'll stay for a while...”

He grinned slightly, giving the others an interpretation of an accepting attitude. It was closer to a maniacal grin: everything was falling into place.

Surfer extended his hand, and Volkner grabbed it, shaking it. “Name's Willow Bryant, but Gardie 'prolly told you that already. You can call me Will for short.”

“Volkner Sune – but Gardenia's 'prolly told you that already. You can call me Volkner for short.”

Will let loose a genuine sound of amusement, before turning around and throwing an arm around the girl beside him. He threw a glance over his shoulder, winking at Volkner.

“Okay then, Volkner. Let's go.”

~ ~ ~​

The Eterna City Gym was awe inspiring. At least, from the inside: outside, it was a plain, brown building with a tad bit of height to it compared to most other buildings. The inside was much more amusing.

Volkner stood and examined it all for a moment: he glanced up and realized he was not able to see the ceiling because of the massive canopy of treetops above. A variety of squirming things rested amongst the trees, things like Tangela vines, Carnivine jumping and swinging, and of course your obligatory Hoppip floating around the room. This was truly a haven for grass-types.

It sickened Volkner.

The three of them cut through the inside of the gym, eventually finding Lily Florence standing on her own near a window, looking outside into the city. At the sound of their footsteps, the gym leader turned around and smiled.

“Gardenia, Will- you're here early,” she said, her eyes then floating over to Volkner. She stuck her hands down into the pockets of her khaki slacks. “And I see you brought a friend.”

Gardenia did a small nod toward Volkner, giving him the okay to introduce himself. He scoffed; like he needed her permission. He would extend his hand to the woman, trying to be as polite as possible, despite how much he wanted to get to the point. “Volkner Sune.”

She grabbed his hand, shaking it firmly. “Florence. Lily Florence.”

He quickly withdrew it, letting it fall, tense, to his side. “I'm here to ask a favor, if you don't mind it, ma'am.”

Lily raised an eyebrow, but nodded. “Okay. I'm listening.”

“I want a battle.”

Gardenia glanced at him, smiling softly, then moved her gaze over to Willow- then back to Volkner, doing a double-take. “Wait, what-”

Volkner let a soft smile cross his lips. “I want a battle. I've made my decision.”

Lily grinned widely, pearly-white teeth shining through. Volkner stepped back, placing his hand in his pocket and wrapping it around the Pokeball resting in there: he had presumed the answer to be a yes.

“I can tell from looking at you,” Lily said, “that you're a rookie. Only a rookie uses that kind of bluntness. Only a rookie has such a disheveled look. You've probably just gotten through with traveling, right-”

“Ma, this is the kid we found in the Old Chateau...” Gardenia interrupted.

Lily's eyes widened, her jaw going slack for a moment. She followed it through with a quick, nervous laughter. “...Oh. I knew that. Is that really what you want, Volkner?”

So being dropped into another part of the world had its benefits, even if people didn't know about it. He got sympathy. It would work for him, he supposed – he just hoped that Lily Florence wouldn't hold back. “Aye. Don't you dare hold back.”

A legitimate laugh, this time. “Kid, I haven't held back in a match on anyone in fifteen years.” She reached up, swiping a strand of graying hair away from her eyes. “And I don't intend to for the next fifteen.”

A hand went on his shoulders, and Volkner turned to look at its source: Willow Bryant, staring at him in silence for a good few moments, before letting a wide grin spread across his visage. “Good luck.” He chuckled. “You're gonna need it.”

~ ~ ~​

The man struggled to keep his balance, his mind forced to work on other problems: such as, the large creature behind him, sliding down the muddy hill with him. The method of escape wasn't the most traditional, but hey... since when was Ian Britani ever the traditional type?

He hit the bottom, leaping up for some extra distance. His feet hit the ground with a wet thud, reddish-orange bangs flipping up and down in front of his eyes. He quickly raised his hand to wipe them away. His feet were on fire, in a more figurative sense: they moved so fast that he almost wondered why friction had not literally set them ablaze. His other hand moved down to his belt, where it closed around the firm golden hilt of his weapon.

“Aye, take this, ya sick beast!” Ian exclaimed, before withdrawing the dagger, its jagged hilt hitting flesh and tearing through with ease. Blood splattered onto his hand, but the young man ignored it for the moment. Another cut, diagonal this time, quickly dispatched of the beast.

The homeless man hit the ground with a thud, whimpering softly. Ian's mind let go of the "man escaping foul beast" scenario, and instead returned him to the reality of things, being the opposite: beast chasing foul man in the streets of the city.

Ian Britani lifted his hand up, licking it clean: blood and all. “Prey number one is down for the count...” He kneeled in front of the crying man, and caused him to scream out in pain as he grabbed him by the hair, lifting his face up into sight.

“I...have... a family... please, no, don't....”

“A family, hrm?” Ian asked, a sort of dullness in his voice.

“...A wife and a little boy... they're... bound to be waiting for me... let me go...”

“Oh? Society's lowest life forms don't deserve it.” Ian quickly jabbed the knife into the man's shoulder. It was as if the young man had a sort of connection to his weapon: he felt the feeling of cutting through flesh, and the bliss that filled his mind was undescribable. His body shook ever so slightly, his muscles tensing. He removed the blade, letting the fresh blood drip off of it, right in front of the man's squinted eyes.

“Every hit I've made so far has gone to your arm,” Ian pointed out after a few moments. “Wonder if I can remove it?”

“Please... n-..no..it hurts...”

Ian cackled loudly. Time to take one more piece of trash off the streets.




Author's Note: Well, another short chapter, but my mind is refusing to put out anything but right now. So sorry this took so long - life has been hectic, and I've been suffering from horrible writer's block. I will admit, this chapter was pretty much forced: if it feels different, that's why.

Anyways, I do feel a good bit was done in this, especially the introduction of (gasp, spoilers) our potential villain here. See you guys soon.

 

[Ian D.]

Rebirth of Sinnoh
Volkner's Tale​

​

Chapter Three: Problems with results


The wind blew steadily, in through a large, square hole in the roof, creating a tense atmosphere for Volkner Sune to stand in, his eyes narrow, an eager smile on his face. His muscles were firm, locking him in place for the moment, and the look in his eyes meant business.

“So, this'll be a one-on-one battle, then?” Lily Florence asked.

Volkner nodded. “Yeah.”

Standing to his rear were Willow Bryant and Gardenia Florence, both of them having told him they would be at the scene to cheer him on. Of course, he had just gone through with it, not wanting to deal with the sort of stigma that might have come from denying them this, but their presence still mildly annoyed him. He would try to tune them out.

“And you know the rules?”

Volkner shrugged softly. “I think I do.”

“Unfortunately,” she said, making Volkner groan, “thinking you do isn't good enough. I've got to tell you.” She lifted up a single finger. “The Gym Leader is not allowed to rotate Pokemon, while the challenger is. Of course, this doesn't apply with us, but...” A second finger, putting her digits into a peace-sign. “The battle ends at knockout, or if either side forfeits. If a Pokemon is injured to the point of serious risk, this also counts as a knockout, even if the Pokemon is still conscious.” A third finger. “Finally, attacks that could permanently damage the environment are not allowed.”

Volkner knew nothing about this woman's type preferences: though he guessed bug or grass. That seemed a bit unfair, but he wouldn't question it. But apparently, the concrn was evident in his eyes, and the woman clarified.

“That means that, in our grassy environment...” She waved her hand around, pointing to the outside arena they were in, “you can use such attacks as Ember or Flamethrower, but a Fire Blast could annihilate this place. Therefore, Fire Blast is a banned technique. Just for our safety.” She laughed softly. “After all, we wouldn't want to put you in the hospital again, now would we?"

Volkner had to offer a small chuckle at the woman's audacity, but otherwise ignored the commeint in favor of pulling off a small sphere from his belt: red on its top, white on the bottom, his thumb resting on the silvery metallic button in the center.

"Are we going to start or what?"

Lily Florence unhooked a similar ball from her belt, and pressed her arm forward. She pressed her thumb down onto the release switch, and the ball opened, sending forth a flash of white light: Volkner did the same.

Silence for a few moments.

"I see I was right in choosing to go easy on you," Lily said, a slight taunt to her voice. He figured she was lying: after all, she had said just moments

In front of her stood an odd green Pokemon, quadrupedal with a small "necklace" of buds coming from its neck. On top of its head was a thin leaf, waving around lightly. Its small tail thumped the ground excitedly. Volkner could see the happiness in its expression: he scowled.

"Chikorita?" Volkner asked. "A Chikorita isn't anything for me!"

"Then prove me wrong, Pichu boy." Lily offered him a simple wink, before pointing in his direction. "Are we ready to start?"

Volkner nodded.

"Chikorita, start things off with Tackle!"

The small green Pokemon leaped forward on all fours, running in Chuseph's direction. The Pichu's eyes widened, and braced itself for the oncoming attack. Chikorita rammed into him at full force, and the two of them were sent sprawling to the ground. Chikorita got up easily: Chuseph, not so much. It took him a few seconds, but he made it.

"Alright!" Volkner exclaimed. "Chuseph-"

"BUAHAHA!"

At that moment, he turned to see Gardenia burst out into a fit of raucous laughter. Volkner frowned, staring at her until she finished her fit of giggles.

"...Is something funny?" he asked.

"Chuseph! Heh..hehe... what kinda name is Chuseph? Hahaha!"

Volkner felt the heat rush to his face. He turned around, focusing his attention back on the battle. "It's my mother's Pokemon, not mine..." he grumbled. "...Anyway. Chuseph-"

A snort. "...use Thundershock!"

Chuseph glanced over to Volkner for a moment, before returning his gaze back to the opposing grass-type. He closed his eyes and began to shiver: moments later, a tiny bolt of electricity shot forward, striking Chikorita dead-on. The Pokemon shivered, but was otherwise unaffected.

"An electric-type move on a grass-type? Don't tell me you don't even know your basic type matchups?"

Volkner had no clue on most of the Pokemon Training basics: he knew the fire-water-grass triad, but nothing else. Grass-types resisted electric-type moves, he noted. "Who says I didn't do that for a reason?"

"Aye, I suppose that's a possibility. But it would be stupid. Does your Pokemon not have any other moves or somethin'?"

Volkner laughed softly in embarrassment. "...I have no idea."



A few moments later, things were starting up again. This time, Volkner had a new guest: a silver bird-like robot, resting upon his shoulder. Its talons were sharp, pinching his skin, and he shifted himself around a bit to loosen that problem.

"MechaStar is built off a Starly," Lily said, "and is meant to guide trainers if they lack basic necessities: certain knowledges, and it even provides a rudimentary battle-dex, which tells you what special techniques your Pokemon is capable of performing. Just say the name of the command to open it."

"Battle-dex," Volkner said, and the Starly beeped and whined for a few moments, before beginning to speak in a loud, obnoxious tone.

"I am MechaStar, model V.345, built for Gym Leader..." Lily's voice piped up. "Lily Florence..." Back to the annoying voice. "Serving function... Battle-dex. Pokemon: Pichu and Chikorita. What Pokemon do you pick?"

"Pichu!" Lily said.

"Pichu knows the following moves: Thundershock, Charm, Thunder Wave, Double Slap, Sweet Kiss and Volt Tackle. Would trainer require an explanation of any of these moves?"

Volkner had heard most of these briefly: but never the last. "Volt Tackle."

"Searching..." A few moments of buzzes and beeps passed by, Volkner's patience thinning. Finally, the odd robotic bird spoke. "Volt Tackle is a technique normally not found on Rai, Pika or Pi-chu in the wild. It is the result of breeding specifically geared toward battle. At the cost of risking their own health, the -chu envelopes themself in electricity, ramming into their opponent and often giving them the shock of their lives. Injuries can-"

Volkner shrugged. "Enough."

The bot was silent. Volkner's mind was in a swirl of thoughts at the moment - Volt Tackle was a move made by those who bred the Pichu for battle. Mother had requested the Pichu bred - he remembered it coming home in an egg. What exactly did this mean? Did his mother request this? Was it bred on without mother's consent?

He shook his head, trying to shrug off the thought. He would worry about it at a later date. "Chuseph, let's go with Double Slap!"

Lily grinned. "Not so fast, kid! Poison Powder, Chikorita!"

This would be a matter of speed, and Volkner knew it. Which would be faster? Chikorita, or Chuseph?

Chuseph darted forward, trying his best to dodge the various purple spores spread throughout the air, his face ever-so-slightly darker due to the fact that he was holding his breath. Volkner grinned. Smart Pokemon, he had to admit - not entirely useless.

Chikorita seemed to be doing her (Volkner assumed it was female) best to spread the spores however, waving her leaf around and creating a small, but significant enough, wind. The spores began to disperse, covering more distance albeit at the cost of significance in any specific area. Volkner covered his mouth with the collar of his jacket, and saw Lily doing the same.

Chuseph managed get over toward Chikorita and offered it a quick series of slaps with his tiny paws, repeatedly striking her and jumping back. He stumbled, falling flat onto his butt, and unfortunately, releasing a heart gasp for air.

Volkner's teeth clenched. If Chuseph had been able to hold it a little longer, he could have avoided the poison all together; now he had the chance of inhaling it. His best choice would be to remain close to the Chikorita and not risk the breath running.

"Chuseph! Stay close! See how she can handle-"

"Razor Leaf, Chikorita!" Lily exclaimed.

Chikorita closed her eyes, and a few of the leaves on the ground around them began to lift up, as if by some sort of psychic energy. They whirled around for a moment, trimming themselves like a potato being skinned by an old worker: then, they flew forward toward Chuseph.

"Chuseph, focus on dodging!" Volkner said. "Try and hit it with a Thundershock, though!"

Conflicting orders, Volkner realized, but before he could correct himself, Chuseph had started moving. A leap to avoid one leaf, a duck to avoid the next, and a fall flat on his butt - again - in order to get scraped by a third, cutting his skin open and letting a few drops of red blood drip from the wound. Another place for the spores to get into. Volkner cursed, earning a thin and curious smile from Lily.

Chuseph whimpered slightly, but got back up and closed his eyes, firing a small bolt of electricity in Chikorita's direction. The bolt hit Chikorita square on the back, causing her to cry out slightly. She wavered for a moment, but then stood strong once again.

"Wow, that was a stupid move," he heard Gardenia say behind him.

"Aye," Willow agreed. "But it's his battle."

He scowled, trying to keep ignoring them.

"Chikorita, let's go with our specialty!" Lily commanded.

More chatter from behind, but he had to ignore them now. Their specialty? What was she talking about?

"Riiii..." Chikorita started, getting up onto her hind legs for just a moment, her stubby front legs spreading apart.

"Get toward her and use Double Slap, Chuseph!" Volkner commanded. "Do it quick!"

There was a total distance of about three feet in between the two.

"Don't!" he heard Gardenia cry, and he turned to face her.

"What do you mean-"

"Nothin', Sune," Willow said, shoving his hand over the mouth of Gardenia, who was now squirming to get free. He could tell she was biting him, and it was probably rather painful.

"Let her say-"

"It's your battle, Sune. No outside help. Sorry."

"Right... whatever-"

"Pay attention, Volkner!" Lily exclaimed triumphantly.

Chuseph, as Volkner turned to see him, was now flying through the air, flung off an apparently elastic string of grass reaching from one end of the arena to the other. He landed with a soft thud on the other side of Chikorita, skidding to a stop at Lily's feet.

"What the hell happened!?"

Finally, Gardenia had apparently broke through. For once, he was glad to hear her annoying accent. "Ya frickin' idiot, Will!" she exclaimed. "...Volkner, that was Grass Knot. It's our gym's specialty move: all of mom's Pokemon know it, and one or two of our Pokemon each know it. It basically creates a trip wire'a grass - the heavier the Pokemon, the more the damage, but the lighter the Pokemon, the longer distance they go. I'm surprised yer lil' Pichu didn't go to the fuc-"

"Gardenia! You're twelve, you shouldn't be using that kind of language."

"Sorry, mom," she muttered. "...Frickin' moon."

"Right... gotta keep an eye out for that," Volkner noted. "Chuseph, let's get up and-"

"Your Pichu isn't getting up," Lily said. "It's a knockout."

Volkner froze, his teeth clenched. "Chuseph, get up-"

"You deaf or something?" she asked. "It's a knock out. K-O."

"Chuseph, GET UP-"

A hand on his shoulder. Volkner turned to face the person who did it: Willow Bryant. The surfer-esque boy shook his head, his eyes filled with a stern look.

"You lost, Sune. It's over - don't make that poor thing get up more than it needs to."

Volkner swatted Willow's hand away, causing him to stumble back, visibly hurt (albeit only slightly) by such actions. "Who cares!? Pokemon are heathens. God damned heathens made for violence, and that's all they're good for!"

Volkner quickly turned, pointing toward the slightly shivering Pichu at Lily's feet. It was obvious to him now that he had gotten poisoned, slowly sapping away at his stamina.

"You stupid little rat! UP! NOW!"

"QUIET!" Lily roared. "Return your Pokemon now. I'm calling the police for abuse otherwise!"

Volkner gritted his teeth harder than ever, feeling himself grinding them into dust. He didn't care. His hand clenched tight around the Pichu's Pokeball and returned it, letting him rest for the moment.

He hated this place. He hated these people: because of that god damned woman, he hated his life. With a cry of frustration, Volkner turned around and headed for the door.

"GOD DAMN IT!"

 

[Kyuuketsuki]

I've been meaning to read the first one, and I can see the prologue is mostly the same, but the following chapters are different, but I didn't get far in the first story, so it shouldn't affect me much.

I'll start with what bothered me the most, which is the dialogue. I also started with it because it is possibly the most biased opinion in this post. To me, it felt very jarring, and I can't really imagine anyone talking like that in real life, not anyone that I've encountered anyway. The second thing is Volkner, who comes off as an overly-agressive teen. I can see how this might tie in to any character development he has, but for now, he just seems like a drama queen.

The other characters are mostly vague to me, as we haven't seen much distinctive personality traits for them aside from a few expected ones. Lily, as opposed to Volkner's mother, is the type to push her kid into the world and hope for them to grow up. Willow is just a friend so far, and Gardenia is the hyperactive child, most of the time. The character I'm most interested in at the moment is Lily, as she seems to be the most promising one so far, and I feel that she is your best written character.

The final few negative notes are: The exaggeration of the distance between Johto and Sinnoh, and you describing the Poké Ball many times as a sphere with red and white.

However, aside from those notes, I like the mysteries you set up. I look forward to see how that "Homeless-People-Killer" ties in to the "Volk-Girl", if they tie in at all, that favour, and who are asking for it, and how he travelled regions. Dehydration seems like an important point that will tie in to the story, and possibly come back a few chapters later to give us the "Wait... Dehydration, that happened when- *GASP* NO WAY!" effect.

The battle was really great for a starting battle, and I hoped that Volkner would win, maybe by beginner's luck, but it just wanted his ego to shoot through the roof before he gets destroyed somewhere along the line. I quite liked that at the Gym you used Volkner's attitude for comedic effects, as well as Gardenia's reaction to the Pichu's name, which I've been waiting for since she appeared in the story, and will anticipate each time a new character appears. Make it a running gag.

One personality trait I liked about Volkner was how he got distracted often during the battle, mostly because it could give us a training montage-esque chapter, or chapters. It could also tie in to his development, and perhaps explained through his hatred of Pokémon.

And on a final note, Volkner should meet N. it's a good story so far; keep it up.

 

[Ian D.]

I've been meaning to read the first one, and I can see the prologue is mostly the same, but the following chapters are different, but I didn't get far in the first story, so it shouldn't affect me much.

Ah. Well, glad to see you reading! Nice to have an established author giving someone like me a shot. =P

I'll start with what bothered me the most, which is the dialogue. I also started with it because it is possibly the most biased opinion in this post. To me, it felt very jarring, and I can't really imagine anyone talking like that in real life, not anyone that I've encountered anyway.

I'll try and work on that, though I know quite a few people who speak in similar fashions. But I'll take your word for it and try to mix it up a little.

The second thing is Volkner, who comes off as an overly-agressive teen. I can see how this might tie in to any character development he has, but for now, he just seems like a drama queen.

Volkner has some... psychological issues. Aye, right now he IS just a drama queen, but the reasons for his drama queen-ness will be elaborated on. Just have some patience and you'll see! =D

The other characters are mostly vague to me, as we haven't seen much distinctive personality traits for them aside from a few expected ones. Lily, as opposed to Volkner's mother, is the type to push her kid into the world and hope for them to grow up.

Lily was meant to be a foil to Volkner's mother. Glad someone caught that.

Willow is just a friend so far, and Gardenia is the hyperactive child, most of the time. The character I'm most interested in at the moment is Lily, as she seems to be the most promising one so far, and I feel that she is your best written character.

Lily is my favorite character, too. Fortunately, I can tell you that with

Spoiler

Volkner's loss against her

, she will be reappearing long after her initial disappearance in the story.

The final few negative notes are: The exaggeration of the distance between Johto and Sinnoh, and you describing the Poké Ball many times as a sphere with red and white.

Lol, I exaggerated that? Honestly, I have no idea of the distance between the continents in the Pokeuniverse. 'prolly should have done my research on that one... meh. As for the Poke Ball? Righty'o, then, I'll try and cut down on that.

However, aside from those notes, I like the mysteries you set up. I look forward to see how that "Homeless-People-Killer" ties in to the "Volk-Girl", if they tie in at all, that favour, and who are asking for it, and how he travelled regions.

*cracks knuckles* Just have to wait and see. ^^

Dehydration seems like an important point that will tie in to the story, and possibly come back a few chapters later to give us the "Wait... Dehydration, that happened when- *GASP* NO WAY!" effect.

Lol. Not saying a thing on this.

The battle was really great for a starting battle, and I hoped that Volkner would win, maybe by beginner's luck, but it just wanted his ego to shoot through the roof before he gets destroyed somewhere along the line.

Haha. Looking back, I wish I would have done that. Could have really set up an amazing little scene for Volkner's first defeat.

I quite liked that at the Gym you used Volkner's attitude for comedic effects, as well as Gardenia's reaction to the Pichu's name, which I've been waiting for since she appeared in the story, and will anticipate each time a new character appears. Make it a running gag.

=P Make Chuseph into a running gag? Never thought of it. But I like it.

One personality trait I liked about Volkner was how he got distracted often during the battle, mostly because it could give us a training montage-esque chapter, or chapters. It could also tie in to his development, and perhaps explained through his hatred of Pokémon.

Perhaps, perhaps.

And on a final note, Volkner should meet N. it's a good story so far; keep it up.

LOL, THAT WOULD BE PRETTY DAMN COOL. If only I could think of a way to make that happen. Oh well.

Thank you for dropping a review by! I really appreciate, especially from an established author 'round these parts like yourself!

- Ian