Relationship-related questions

[Roses Ablaze]

1. Can a close friendship survive unrequited love? (like, one friend is in love with the other, but the other loves him but not in "that way") This is actually a yaoi scenario I thought of in my head...

2. Whenever I hear about a girl being emotionally manipulative or read a fic about a girl being emotionally manipulative and it being portrayed in a good or normal way, I immediately get disgusted. My mother and brother say that all girls are manipulative at that age, but I don't ever recall trying to manipulate anyone besides my parents when I was really young. I brought this up with them and they told me that that's because I'm not normal. I especially hate it when girls like to mess with guys "just for kicks." I don't condone misogyny and I think that guys are totally responsible for whatever actions they take against women, but I do think that girls like these help breed it (not as serious as rape, because I think that would involve more issues than just having their hearts yanked around by these horrible...people). Am I being unrealistic?

3. And on that note, does anyone beside me think that double standards are wrong when it comes to both genders? Like, I don't think it should be okay for a man to hit a woman, but it's also wrong for a woman to hit a man. And why is lesbianism so much better accepted than male homosexuality? Or why is a woman expected take care of the children in a divorce, even when she doesn't want to and her husband is perfectly willing to accept responsibility for them? Is it just a matter of natural gender difference or does someone agree with me?

 

[Ganondorf]

Whoa, nice questions if this is here tomorrow I'll edit something really nice in on this space.

 

[Baal]

1. In most cases, it probably can. The other person has not shown the same feelings though for a variety of reasons. Perhaps they see the relationship not working out and would prefer just a friendship. Perhaps they have their eye on someone else. Additionally, someone could simply feel that they do not want the stress of a relationship.

2. Some girls like to have a little fun, though it's up to the guy to see through that or to realize that he is about to be tricked and needs to play one of his own. It's a case by case basis though. This question I can't give the best answer to.

3. I do agree with you actually, though there are a number of things to dissect. The double standards occur because as humans we are guaranteed to make mistakes. The culture of today can try it's best to change things, though it might take time. As for lesbians being accepted more than gay males, that's a result of Hollywood and possibly the porn industry. As for the divorce thing I can only say that it's a result of old logic and it also being a case by case basis.

 

[xRubyx]

Gays are better then lesbians in people's mind. They are more accepted.

 

[Bp.]

1. From personal experience, no it can't, unless it is unknown to the other. But if one decides to act on their feelings, and the other person does not feel the same, then the friendship won't be the same. Has happened to me twice...*sigh*...

2. I agree with you there. I am a male, but I do not involve myself in random hookups or messing around as you put it, and I'll be honest, women who do are not appealing to me. But that's me, some find it fun. I don't see how that is. On a side note, I find it odd that women who practice this behavior are usually degraded by their peers and society in general, being called sluts and what have you, while men who practice this behavior are often glorified by their peers. That I do not understand. But that probably goes with your double standard paragraph.

3. I'll just comment on the divorce. I don't think women are expected to take care of the children, although from what I've gathered through media (which might not be the best) and personal experiences, the women usually get the better end of the divorce, which most of the time means the children. One of my best friend's parents split up, and his mom got custody of him and his sister, and moved to New Brunswick, leaving their father here in Winnipeg. I don't know the exact legal situation but if I was the father, I'd know I wouldn't want my children to be half way across the country and I'd only get to see them once a year. I would do everything in my power to at least make them stay here. That has always bugged me.

 

[Jo-Jo]

1. Depends on several factors, but in my opinion it's the person with the feelings who ought to be allowed to determine whether the friendship can continue. If s/he feels it's too painful to 'just be friends', then anything from a drifting apart to a sudden end to all communication can happen.

I wonder if often the best solution is for the friends to have a temporary, amicable parting, just to give the one with feelings time to get over it and maybe find someone new, before tentatively striking up the old friendship again. But that may not be workable in real life.

If this is for a fanfic, though, then it ultimately hinges on the personalities of the characters you're using. How tolerant is the crushed-upon party? Are both of them avoidant types, or would they try to process and deal with the situation? Etc.

2. I think that a lot of sources such as self-help books - Mars and Venus crap et al - tell women that they're 'expected' to be irrational and manipulative in relationships. A lot of women respond by internalising the message and being irrational and manipulative. Like most gender stereotypes, it's a vicious circle; you tell people they're 'supposed' to behave in a certain way, and they do - and then people look at them and see them as evidence that the stereotypes were right. This makes it near-impossible to determine what gender characteristics really are innate.

But yeah, it annoys me too when women cash in on gender privelige by thinking they can get away with bad behaviour because 'oh, all girls are like that'. It especially doesn't help that 'female privelige' basically boils down to us having the 'right' to be treated like we're made of glass, and that we're too crazy (with all those women hormones, tchuh) to make a logical decision. So when some girls take the easy road and play along with those expectations, it just gives people another excuse to consider us weak.

2. I agree with you there. I am a male, but I do not involve myself in random hookups or messing around as you put it, and I'll be honest, women who do are not appealing to me.

I don't believe that was what she was talking about.

3. The reason lesbianism is more accepted than gay men...ism is because straight men get off on lesbianism. Gay men are seen as having betrayed their masculinity or something, which for some reason invokes fear and disgust in certain types of people, but lesbians facilitate typical macho masculinity (by helping straight men get off). Therefore, lesbians are a-ok - but only fantasy porn lesbians, not real lesbians who, like all real people, are of varying attractiveness. They might as well be invisible.

I think one way in which women truly do have the edge over men is that over the last fifty years or so, the entire concept of traditional femininity has been examined, broken down and ultimately rejected. We now all agree that the perfect-wife-and-mother crap was, er, crap, and women aren't expected to behave like that any more. But traditional masculinity has never gotten the same treatment - the idea of the big strong man isn't a quaint anachronism like the smiling housewife, it's a real ideal that 'real men' are still expected to live up to, and that men re-enforce among themselves.

And traditional masculinity hates the gays - apparently.

 

[Zak]

Whoa, nice questions if this is here tomorrow I'll edit something really nice in on this space.

How about you wait until you actually answer rather than spam and say that you will edit it later? What a tool...

Anyway... I hope I don't offend anyone...

1. Can a close friendship survive unrequited love? (like, one friend is in love with the other, but the other loves him but not in "that way") This is actually a yaoi scenario I thought of in my head...

Yaoi scenario? No comment...

And the answer is it really depends on the person who doesn't love. It seems like the one who is wouldn't be able to handle it and just stop being friends, but I'm pretty sure the more common situation is that the other person would, rather than being weirded out by it, act all cool about it and let the fact get to their head and while they pretend everything's all right, use it to manipulate them or fuck around with their minds.
As a matter of fact you may recall the topic I'd posted about whether it's normal to consider asking someone if they are in a relationship a "personal question". This actually happened to be someone I sorta liked at one point and quickly got over, and because of the fact that they found out, they reacted as though it was an odd question, when in fact people innocently ask that all the time. Thankfully this was someone I only really knew online and not IRL way back a few years ago, and they were probably too sheltered to know that normally that's an innocent question. So... it's like they'll forever hold the fact that you liked them against you, even if you only did for a short time and got over it quickly. Because she later told me that was the reason when I got on her case for calling it a "personal question". Still though, give me a break. If even though I've been talking to her for three years I'm still not qualified to innocently ask about her love life, that's her weakness and not mine.

2. Whenever I hear about a girl being emotionally manipulative or read a fic about a girl being emotionally manipulative and it being portrayed in a good or normal way, I immediately get disgusted. My mother and brother say that all girls are manipulative at that age, but I don't ever recall trying to manipulate anyone besides my parents when I was really young. I brought this up with them and they told me that that's because I'm not normal. I especially hate it when girls like to mess with guys "just for kicks." I don't condone misogyny and I think that guys are totally responsible for whatever actions they take against women, but I do think that girls like these help breed it (not as serious as rape, because I think that would involve more issues than just having their hearts yanked around by these horrible...people). Am I being unrealistic?

I've never actually heard the ideology that all girls at that age are supposed to be manipulative (despite the fact that a lot of them seem to be) but hmmm, I never really thought of it that way. But I will be honest, I absolutely hate when they do that. I'd never let someone do that to me, it's actually been tried but, unfortunately for them it didn't work out too well.
As for the theory that girls doing that helps breed the misogyny... well, don't get me wrong, I don't condone that either, in fact far from it, but I'm pretty sure that theory is correct. All I know is that if I would ever find out that any girl is messing around with my emotions or causing me a lot of unneeded stress "just for kicks", they'd be pretty miserable and emotionally fucked back. Nothing sinking to their level though, god forbid.
If they only tried and didn't succeed, that'd be a different story. Because I'm pretty sure that if a guy lets himself be manipulated, it's a sign of weakness.

Also, as for what your mother said... maybe it is a pattern that girls like to be manipulative, but calling you "not normal" for it and trying to ENCOURAGE you to be... (I know she probably didn't directly try to encourage you, but usually if you tell someone to their face they aren't normal because of a certain quality, their only point in telling you that would be so you could change that quality) give me a break. As a matter of fact, ironically I think SHE'S being emotionally manipulative by telling you that. If you don't mind, give her a slap from me.

3. And on that note, does anyone beside me think that double standards are wrong when it comes to both genders? Like, I don't think it should be okay for a man to hit a woman, but it's also wrong for a woman to hit a man. And why is lesbianism so much better accepted than male homosexuality? Or why is a woman expected take care of the children in a divorce, even when she doesn't want to and her husband is perfectly willing to accept responsibility for them? Is it just a matter of natural gender difference or does someone agree with me?

Double standards == evil. Also you'll probably think I'm a dumbass for not knowing that, but I'd actually never heard of that last law. Unless I'm misunderstanding.
Also I'm pretty sure lesbians are more accepted simple because, quite sadly a reason, more straight males are aroused by the idea of lesbians than straight females are by two guys sucking each other off. Not that that's a viable reason, but it's probably the reason. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are a handful of girls that enjoy that, just not as much.


~Zak

 

[Roses Ablaze]

It's not a law, but it's an expectation and a bias of the courts.

 

[deja0entendu]

Also I'm pretty sure lesbians are more accepted simple because, quite sadly a reason, more straight males are aroused by the idea of lesbians than straight females are by two guys sucking each other off. Not that that's a viable reason, but it's probably the reason. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are a handful of girls that enjoy that, just not as much.


~Zak

I agree, that's my answer