MATURE: Requiem:Gemini

[Flaze]

Well this is a second fic that I've been working on for the last few weeks. I actually had the idea of this fic back when I was still in high school about three years ago. This idea was one of the best ones that came to me back in those days and because of that I never thought that I was good enough to actually put it down in writing. However, I decided that it's time for me to try a hand at this and see how it results.

Before you start you should know that his fic included "Pokemorphs' in a way however, it's not what you would expect actually, Pokemorphs are Pokemon with human features...think about that and you will notice the difference once you reach the end of the chapter.
@NoirGrimoir; @System Error; @Prof. Lugion;

Mentioning you as requested.

Anyways with that in mind I hope that you enjoy and remember to read and review.

***

The night sky shone brightly; casting a beautiful shadow upon the large canyon. Silence filled this beautiful ridge; the cold wind blew through the area, creating a soft ominous whistle. The Pokemon around the canyon had long since gone into hiding, with the Pokemon of the night now coming out to search for prey to feast on.

A pack of Mightyena wandered around in the bottom of the crater; their tails waving around with the wind as they scouted the place for any Pokemon too slow to hide. The pack raised their heads in surprised when a shadow fell upon them from atop the ridge.

The shadow quickly passed by them; however, they still stared as they saw a large moving contraction drive by on the top of the canyon. The Pokemon quickly turned away and decided to go back to their business.

The large RV coursed through the borders of the canyon, occasionally bouncing due to the rocks scattered around the road. A boy stared out the window from inside of it, his bored expression staring at the shining moon.

The boy sighed, putting his head down on the wooden table in front of him. His reddish brown hair waved over his forehead as he stared at the girl that sat on the other side of the table from his; his frown never subsiding.

Unlike her brother the girl was enlightened completely; finding the ride to be enjoyable. She combed her doll’s hair gently, carefully moving the comb down its hair while humming happily. She raised her head to look at her brother. “What are you looking at?” she asked with a frown.

“Just at a weird girl playing with her dolls.” The boy pointed out with annoyance.

“Now kids don’t argue.” Both of the kids looked up to see a woman walk out of the RV’s bathroom, a smile on her face and beautiful pink lips as she looked at her kids. “We came here for a family vacation so you should get along.”

“Mom I’m twelve now.” The boy sighed with frustration and leaned against the seat. “Why do I still have to be dragged off, I told Roger that I was gonna go to his party.”

“Mom! Jessie’s being mean!” The little girl whined as she pointed at her brother, something that didn’t help in changing the Jessie’s mood.

“Sam it’s rude to point.” Their mom giggled. She knew that their kids argued a lot, even if there were only a few years of difference between them. She grabbed the little girl’s hand and gently lowered it, making her daughter smile a bit.

Jessie just gazed upon them, not changing his expression one bit. He didn’t understand why he had to travel with them, he had a life of his own too and he couldn’t just put everything aside. “Next time I’d rather just stay home.” He grumbled before he stood up from the couch.

“You know kid, family’s just as if not more important than friends.” Jessie turned towards the driver’s seat. He hated his step father, always acting like the cool guy and making him look bad in front of his mom and sister, Jessie only needed one dad and he was no longer there. The black haired man smiled at him, the wrinkles in his face showing a bit more as it stretched slightly. “You’ll cherish the memories you make, besides family’s all you’ve got at the end of the day.”

Jessie groaned as he paced to the bathroom; his arm swatting the air when he turned around. His mother looked down at the floor as she petted Sam’s head, who was now happily giggling while playing with her dolls. “I know you miss him, but this is our life now.”

“I’m gonna go on my journey when I turn thirteen,” Jessie said harshly. “Then you can all live your wonderful life without me.” With that he opened the door to the bathroom and proceeded to walk inside.

He knew that he had overreacted but he just didn’t see what they liked. It had been four years since his father’s death sure, but that didn’t mean they could just put everything behind them. He leaned against the wall, his face looking downwards as he clenched his fists.

He knew that it wasn’t easy on Sam or their mom either, he could still recall the days his mom would cry or how Sam would always ask where their dad had gone.

Jessie shifted towards the floor, his face now becoming filled with shame and remorse. His mom was obviously trying hard to get over things and she was finally happy again and he has no reason to make his sister unhappy either. Finally there was his recent step dad who was at least trying to make his family get over their slump.

“I hate it when I realize my mistakes.” Jessie sighed. He turned around to look at the window of the bathroom, a small square shaped glass that allowed him to see the night sky outside.

He was able to see multiple shining stars passing by in the sky, something that caused Jessie to raise an eyebrow. “That’s weird, I didn’t know there was going to be a star shower.” He scratched his chin curiously.

That’s when he noticed something else, one of the stars seemed to be descending slowly as it flew. Then, before he could even react the star collided from miles away, creating a large cloud of smoke as well as an explosion that managed to shake the road below the RV.

He heard Sam’s screams and wails from outside of the room as well as the sound of the wheels skidding around so as to not tip over. He quickly grabbed onto the sink; though it was to no avail as he still fell to the floor with a loud thud.

His head was buzzing and everything around him was shaking now. He could still hear Sam’s cries but he could also hear something else, more explosions. “What’s going on?” Jessie groaned as he stood up.

“Jessie are you okay!?” He heard his mom call out form outside of the bathroom, though he was still trying to stand up right.

“I’m fine mom!” Jessie yelled back as he reached out for the handle of the door.

Then everything went dark, his eyes closed on instinct and all he could feel was his body thrown against the wall. He heard a loud explosion not too far from him as he bounced along with the RV.

Like a rag doll he swerved and he could also hear the sound of crashing metal and the screams of his family from outside; probably trying to do their best to stop themselves from being hurt.

He didn’t know what was happening, it was all supposed to be a normal vacation, but now it had all turned for the worst.

Finally it stopped and as he laid there on the ground there was only one thought on his mind, Sam and his mother's wellbeing. He moved his hand slowly but his body wouldn’t budge at all. He noticed something strange though. His hand, it felt softer in a way as if something was covering his skin.

It wasn’t something like fur, but rather feathers; it tingled against his skin. Slowly he began to stand up, almost as if all the pain he had suffered from was finally vanishing. He groaned once more; finally getting on his feet.

As soon as he stood a soft crack was heard throughout the room. He raised his head slightly before looking down at the floor; or rather the door that was where the floor was supposed to be. Jessie’s eyes widened and before he could do anything to get away his body fell through the door, creating a large crack as the sound of breaking wood spread through the room.

He fell to the ground; letting out a loud yelp as the pain from the crash spread through his back. He stood perplexed though when he once more started to feel the pain it vanished. Normally something like that would’ve been enough to break someone’s spine if they hit themselves too hard, but he was completely fine.

It was at this point that Jessie realized something she should’ve before, it wasn’t just his hands but rather his whole body, when he fell it had been as if his fall had been cushioned due to the fact that he hadn’t even felt the floor…or rather the wall. Under him was the door of the RV, which finally allowed him to realize that the whole thing had been turned sideways from the crash.

He scanned the area around him; though it was hard for him to see anything through the darkness of the room. He walked deeper into the RV and began to roughly make out some shapes, one of them was lying motionless against the wall and the other one seemed to have been caught in the aisle that separated the driver’s seat and the couches.

Jessie’s heart began to skip, his eyes opening wide as he began to realize what he was staring at. He tried to move, to get closer and check on them, to see if there was still hope. It was to no avail though and the more he thought about what was lying in front of him the more his body refused to move. He looked towards the aisle, knowing that it had been his step dad who had fallen there. His head seemed to had suffered from multiple hits and was bleeding so much that his black hair had now turned a darker shade of red.

“Shit…you have got to be kidding me…” Jessie stuttered and then looked down at the body that was only a few inches away from him.

Jessie’s mother was sprawled on the floor, her face covered in blood and her mouth being halfway open. She seemed to have gotten her neck twisted as her head was slightly cocked. As Jessie stared at his mom’s motionless body it finally began to dawn on him, She was holding onto another body; one that Jessie didn’t need to see to figure out who it was.

“….Sam….” Jessie’s lip quivered in fear. He, with every fiber of his being, turned away from his family. He had to find a way to get out of the RV and see what had happened on the outside, but mostly he wanted to get away from it all, to forget about what he had just seen, to forget about the fact he had lost them all.

Jessie opened one of the windows above him and climbed out, noticing that he seemed to have more arm strength that he had believed.

However, it was when he had finally gotten out that he noticed why he had felt so different before. His body was now surrounded by orange colored feathers, arms, legs, his face and everything. He looked down at his legs; finally seeing the pair of talons that were where his legs once were. He hadn’t noticed it before due to the commotion but his body felt hotter than usual, as if the feathers were providing extra heat for him.

The feathers as well as the features, he had seen them all before; though it had only been in textbooks. Torchic, a fire Pokemon that can be found in Hoenn, though a rare one.

Of course, knowing what he resembled didn’t make things any better for Jessie. His eyes fell on the orange feathers with shock and bewilderment. What had happened to him? How could his appearance suddenly change completely?

That’s when Jessie finally gazed upon the site before him. He was standing a midst a sea of flames. Everything had been burned, from the rocks to the few patches of nature that could’ve been seen and even some Pokemon seemed to have been charred by the flames. Jessie didn’t say anything, instead looking in horror.

Amidst the flames he saw a lone black figure, its body slowly making the flames that were in front of it form two different sides; almost as if its sheer presence caused nature itself to fear it. Jessie stared at this figure and stepped back. Even he could feel it, a heavy weight that fell on top of him, pushing his body with the intent of breaking him down.

He stared at the creature as it finally walked out of the flames. However, while he tried to make out its appearance his fear would only allow him to see one thing, those black colored eyes, completely devoid of any kindness or feelings, eyes that reflected his own grief.

It was supposed to be a normal trip, he was supposed to act like the whiny teenager and then change his ways in the middle of the trip. That was not the case though and everything had changed now, his life had changed in more ways than one.

Spoiler

PROLOGUE 1:
Jessie’s Inferno​

 

[Lugion]

This text is hard to read... DX

Sorry to whine, but the light blue blends in with the Beast of the Sea skin that I use.

 

[Flaze]

@Prof. Lugion; sorry I couldn't notice that with the screen I use, it should hopefully be fixed now.

 

[SwampertShoes]

Hey, wow! I really liked the beginning. The Mightyena were just a menacing touch. *Nod* Poor kid! What an awful start to being half-Pokemon. ._. Haha, isn't it more like human, with Pokemon features? XD
Ahem, alright, I like the writing, it's pretty good. =] There were some moments I could tell you were pretty into the story! Other moments were kind of explanatory, rather than emotional, but it wasn't bad at all. And it was a little hard to tell which Pokemon he had sort of morphed with/into, so maybe brush up on that? Unless it was intentional, of course, aha! The ending was particularly great, with all of the wording and the new (scary) person. And the last thing on my mind is that there were some sort of "cliche" lines, or at least I find cliche/worn, but I don't think it's necessary to cut 'em or anything. The banner is awesome, by the by!
I'll be waiting to see what exactly Requiem: Gemini represents!

 

[Lugion]

Hm. I still think it was an interesting concept, though this might have been better left for later on in the story.

Sorta like Fullmetal Alchemist, where we don't actually learn the brothers' backstory until we've already become acquainted with them.

Still, the prose itself was all right. You had a few grammatical mistakes here and there, but like I've said before, I can let them slide since you're a non-native speaker.

There's really not much to go off of just yet, so I'll leave the longer, more in-depth reviews for later chapters.

 

[Flaze]

I wanted to focus on Jessie's past for the prologue as a way for people to notice how he changes when he appears next time, plus doing it this way makes it a bit easier for me later on.

 

[Caite-chan]

Poor Jessie. I really liked this first part and can't wait to see what happens next. Finally something a little bit different than what I'm use to reading. (Which is nothing but wrestling...lol.)

 

[Safe]

Well, you're off to a great start. The description was good, and I'm intrigued. I think this is one of the few original idea for a pokemon fanfiction, usually people go with pokemorphs or furies, but this is a lot more interesting.

Spoiler

And btw, thank for the credits, @Flaze;

 

[Flaze]

Oh crap damn it I knew I forgot something xD

Sorry @Lance; I'll put the credits starting next chapter.

 

[NoirGrimoir]

Hey Flaze! I told you I'd read your fic, and I did but at the time I didn't think I could give you an adequate review because it was pretty late and I had a lot to say, so here I go now, my honest opinions, I hope they help you!


First of all, I'll talk about the superficial stuff--the technical aspects. I think your flow and sentence structure have great bones, and in my opinion, that's the hardest part about writing and the sort of thing that's really difficult to teach. You've either got it or you don't. Tons of people who try to write don't have it down. Hell, plenty of published authors don't have a natural sense of it and teach themselves with only moderate results. If you have that, you've got about seventy percent of writing already mastered, and I think in your case, you're well on your way to it, so good job there! The other thirty percent could use some work, though. Luckily this is mostly a matter of knowing the rules, but that means there isn't much of a valid excuse to get this wrong, so I hope that after telling you this, you'll do it properly in the future.

Firstly: punctuation around dialogue. Mainly, you are putting periods where there should be commas. A line of dialogue that ends in a tag ('he said' or 'she said', are examples of 'tags') is never punctuated by a period. NEVER. They can be punctuated by an exclamation, (!) a question mark, (?) or even ellipses (...) or an m-dash (--), but never a period. Ever. And here you've done it basically every time. The only time it is proper to end a dialogue with a period is when there is no tag at the end.

For example:

“Just at a weird girl playing with her dolls.” The boy pointed out with annoyance.

In this sentence you wrote, there should be a comma after 'dolls', not a period, and 'the' should be lower case, because 'the boy pointed out with annoyance.' is a tag.

In this one however:

“We came here for a family vacation so you should get along.”

The period here is fine because there is no tag, that's the end of the sentence/phrase.

Another problem that I've seen you do a lot is use semicolons ( where you should be using commas. Probably about ninety percent of your semi-colons should be commas actually and about eight percent of the rest should be periods. A semi-colon is used in one of two ways. One: to anchor one sentence to a related sentence. (For the record, a sentence must have a subject and a preposition, AKA an action, to qualify as such, everything else being optional.) Two: as a 'super comma' when doing a really elaborate list of phrase which in turn use commas, mostly for practical visual purposes. We'll ignore the second because the situation is fairly rare. I think I've used it for that situation only once or twice myself in my fanfiction experience. I can kind of see how someone who might be trying overly hard to be literature-y or proper could make the mistake of over-using semi-colons, so I can't blame you too much. And I suppose if you aren't all that clear on when to use it, it can be sort of hard to figure it out on your own, but here I'll try to explain it to you with an example.

We'll use this first sentence you wrote:

The night sky shone brightly; casting a beautiful shadow upon the large canyon.

This semi-colon should be a comma. Why? Because the second half of this sentence isn't a sentence in it's own right. Remember, a semi-colon is used to anchor one sentence to a related sentence, not a sentence fragment. If you said, "Casting a beautiful shadow upon the large lake," on it's own, it would make no sense. Instead what this is (or should be), is a 'complex sentence.' So it is made up of two or more sentences/phrases what-have-you, one of which can stand alone, and one or more of which is reliant on the other to make sense. In the first part, "The night sky shone brightly," make sense. (Subject) What? The night sky. (Action) What did it do? It shone. (Modifying Adjective) How did it do it? It did it brightly.

The same can't be said of the second part. "Casting a beautiful shadow upon the large canyon." (subject) What? Taken alone, we have no idea, just that whatever it is is casting a shadow. It's completely missing a Subject altogether. That is unless you add a comma instead of a semi-colon and suddenly it's one sentence. (Subject) Now, what? The night sky. (Action) What did it do? It shone, which resulted in a shadow being cast on a canyon. In other words, the second part of the sentence once attached is understood in this way-- "(The night sky) cast a beautiful shadow upon the large canyon."

By contrast, in this sentence:

The shadow quickly passed by them; however, they still stared as they saw a large moving contraption drive by on the top of the canyon.

You could use a semi-colon here if you really wanted to. In the first part of the sentence he have (Subject) What? The shadow. (Action) What did it do? It passed by them. (Modifying Adjective) How did it do it? Quickly. In the second part, we have (Subject) What? They. (Action) What did they do? They stared. (Object) What did they stare at? A large moving contraption. A Subject and an action are both present so it's grammatically correct, though I still wouldn't put a semi-colon, if it were me. I would suggest writing it this way:

The shadow passed them quickly, though they continued to stare as a large moving contraption drove by on the top of the canyon.

Just a suggestion. This is a matter of personal style however, so I bend to your preferences.

So the lesson is, unless both phrases make sense on their own, don't use a semi-colon. While I used to love the semi-colon and was a total advocate and semi-colon whore, I've actually fallen out of using it a lot since I've started writing a lot of first-person and first-person like third-person narrative, and there's a reason for that: you're brain doesn't think in semi-colons. Personally I now find the semi-colon to be sort of superfluous as a punctuation mark, even awkward, and I highly advocate to stop using it almost altogether. In my own story on here, I don't think I've use done even once. A comma or period works equally well in the vast majority of cases.

On another note, I actually like the bare-bones style you have here. I think people get bogged down a lot on writing superfluous details that don't really matter, and you've managed to beautifully evade that problem while still remaining clear and understandable. I approve of that. Also, while I'm actually not a huge fan of prologues I think in this case it was a good idea.

That's basically all I plan to say with much detail on the subject of grammar and punctuation. I hope I made sense, I'm not exactly an English teacher. Some of your sentences where a little choppy and could be condensed to flow better, but again, I said the bones of the writing were good and I believe that it is more a matter of going back over your chapters before posting them to get that fixed. There were also a couple spelling mistakes, but again, you just need to re-read your story. I suggest reading it aloud, or if you aren't too shy, have someone else read it aloud to you. I know people who say that helps in catching little mistakes like type-os.

Now onto the the story itself. I've read a few pokemorph stories and I actually liked them, so I have high hopes for reading another one. I'm pretty interested in what is going on here, as I can't identify what pokemon it was that fell, assuming it is indeed a pokemon. (Is it Deoxys? I bet it's Deoxys.) Early in the chapter you set up a great family dynamic in a very short span of writing which is really admirable to me, (if I had a nickname, it would probably be Miss Long-winded, so I find this really impressive). Jessie himself comes off as a typical whinny preteen who thinks they're the center of the world, which I reckon is exactly what you were going for. You did a superb job communicating that with, again, the clearest, fastest way possible, and you did it with his own words and actions, which is the right way to do it, so bravo. I'm with-holding final judgement on him though until I see how his future self is after this event, but I have a good feeling about it. I think you have good instincts for communicating character to the audience.

I think the comet-shower is an interesting concept for causing the pokemorph. When I've read it, it was usually genetic experimentation that caused it, so this is somethign new to me in a story. I like it though. Considering at least a few pokemon seem to have come from space, it seems logical that somethign from space might cause this kind of thing. I'm confused as to the nature of the pokemorph concept as written in your story though. Did Jessie turn into a Torchic, or is he a humanoid Torphic-like fusion? I think this could have been more clear. Granted int he confusion Jessie might not have been able to really figure it out himself all that well, but I think you should have dropped enough hints that, even if Jessie himself didn't know what the deal was, the audience could put two and two together and figure it out. This is sort of a little thing, but I don't think Jessie was a good choice on the name for the sole reason that Jessie is already the name of an extremely prominent character in the anime. It's like if you had named your character Ash or Misty. Even if it's not confusing it's sort of weird. While I know int he poke-verse there are no doubt tons of people who share her name, even some boys, still it's sort of common to not re-use names, for differentiation's sake.

I am definitely curious to see what will happen next. The tragedy of the 'story that might have been', mentioned near the end is a heart-wrenching concept that you've executed in a blunt but not ineffective way. Even though you've spelled it out for the audience, it still works and doesn't feel like you're hitting us over the head with it. I anticipate a lot of emotional content in this story which is something I like. This really sets the tone for a dramatic, possibly even dark fic, and if that's what you're going for, which it appears to be, then a job well done. (Thought hopefully thinks aren't too dark. I don't like sad endings... i^i).

All in all, it's not perfect, but I sense a lot of potential and am interested to see where this story is going. Please keep writing! I hope this review is helpful to you! You can put me on the permanent tag list.

 

[Flaze]

Firstly: punctuation around dialogue. Mainly, you are putting periods where there should be commas. A line of dialogue that ends in a tag ('he said' or 'she said', are examples of 'tags') is never punctuated by a period. NEVER. They can be punctuated by an exclamation, (!) a question mark, (?) or even ellipses (...) or an m-dash (--), but never a period. Ever. And here you've done it basically every time. The only time it is proper to end a dialogue with a period is when there is no tag at the end.

Wow really? I actually used to do it like that where I put comas at the end of the quote, but then people told me that I could only do that when "insert name here" said came later so I started using periods for it all.


I actually didn't know that about semicolons and I've always had a problem with them so thank you for explaining I'll try to use them better next time.

While I used to love the semi-colon and was a total advocate and semi-colon whore

I quoted this for no particular reason except it kind of made me laugh xD

About what you said about prologues. Oddly enough while I've done prologues for most of my stories before this is the first one that actually fits as a prologue so I was as surprised as you are.


I cannot answer what the Pokemon is with a proper answer *looks away skeptically* but it's good you have a guess xD.


Regarding Jessie, it's the latter, he turned into a blend between them both, like he has a human body coupled with Pokemon aspects (his legs changed to that of a Torchic and he's covered in feathers but he still has arms and he doesn't have a beak) And yeah I didn't notice the name till like after I had already written it. Though I managed to find a way to fix that problem for later chapters.

Regarding whether the fic will be too dark or not I guess that'll depend on how I do the things I have planned but I do want it to be serious.

I'll make sure to implement everything you've thought me in this review, for both this fic and my academy one and I'm extremely thankful and I'll make sure to add you to the list xD

 

[NoirGrimoir]

Wow really? I actually used to do it like that where I put commas at the end of the quote, but then people told me that I could only do that when "insert name here" said came later so I started using periods for it all.

Well, they are right. You don't use just commas or just periods for everything, and it's not really optional, you don't get to choose. Assuming you aren't using an ! or ?, if there is a tag, you use a comma. If there is no tag, you use a period. This is the rule. It's actually pretty easy to look this stuff up on the internet so if you ever have a doubt, go ahead and google it. Here's a page on Punctuation around dialogue that you can peruse to your heart's content.

You're welcome for the review. In you're next one I will grade you on how you've improved. O_O Mwahahaha~!

Just kidding. But really, if you do better on the grammar stuff I will give you imaginary internet cookies. Or give you a doodle or something. You know, for encouragement purposes.

 

[Safe]

@NoirGrimoir; you my friend should have been voted both, best new comer and best reviewer. :thumbup: Seriously, even though this isn't my story your review helped me, a lot. :ksmile:

 

[NoirGrimoir]

Wow, thanks a lot! Well, there's always next time around!

Just for anyone reading as well as for Flaze (this is his thread and story after all). I'm open to being personally messaged and asked my opinion about writing-type things, cuz I'm a helper like that. I'm not an expert, but I think my opinion comes from a pretty good place and the asker is welcome to use or ignore the opinion as they see fit.

 

[some colour no doubt]

Found it!

I haven't read the other reviews, so i'll just post any grammar mistakes i see.

Spoiler

";"s instead of "," everywhere?

The shadow quickly passed by them; however, they still stared as they saw a large moving contraction drive by on the top of the canyon.

I think you meant contraption rather than contraction.

“You know kid, family’s just as if not more important than friends.”

missed a comma here, should go: "You know kid family's just as, if not more, important than friends

Like a rag doll he swerved and he could also hear the sound of crashing metal and the screams of his family from outside

not sure if the phrase "like a rag doll he swerved" really fits in here, maybe try a different simile?

Finally it stopped and as he laid there on the ground there was only one thought on his mind, Sam and his mother's wellbeing.

two words: Well being

It was at this point that Jessie realized something she should’ve before, it wasn’t just his hands but rather his whole body,

She??? I assume you meant he?

His head seemed to had suffered from multiple hits and was bleeding so much that his black hair had now turned a darker shade of red.

I don't think that black hair could turn red, maybe use the phrase "slick with blood?"

A good start. I like Jessie's character and the portrayal of the family, though i feel for him with what happened.
Interesting that you would have all this happen in the prologue though, as it rather lessens the impact of it, as we didn't know the characters enough to get a sense of what had been truly lost.
As with the whole

Spoiler

"turned into a pokémon thing"

i can't wait to see how you explain and evolve it, and also reveal who the dark figure is!


Make sure you let me know when the next chapter comes out!

 

[AetherX]

Wow! You've clearly put a lot of work into this one. Comparing this to your other fics, it's like you've changed your writing style to better fit the story. I won't go over the grammar/punctuation issues because those were covered (quite well) above. I love how super descriptive this is, especially in terms of scenery, and I really hope that carries on throughout the fic.

Probably the best part was the way you started by introducing Jessie and his family. It looked like the usual dysfunctional sit-dramedy family. You made us connect with each of them and gave us a little bit of past. It was just enough to convince me that they were gonna be around for a while. Then... BOOM. Dead. Excellently done.

Bit o' criticism, though:

those black colored eyes

We've been through this before Only add the "colored" if it's one hundred percent necessary. For example, almond-colored eyes are different than almond eyes (the latter usually refers to the shape). Black eyes and black colored eyes means the same thing. Go for the less wordy option.

(Review game certified, yo)

 

[Flaze]

@SwampertShoes; @NoirGrimoir; @Lance; @some colour no doubt; @Prof. Lugion;

Well here's chapter 1, originally this was going to be a second prologue of sorts but it ended up being twice as long as the first prologue so I decided to turn it into its own chapter.

This chapter takes place 6 months after the prologue, so I hope you enjoy it.

Chapter 1: Birth of Light

“Welcome everybody I’m Carlos Reservoir and this is Saffron at Night,” The man spoke with a mellow and sly tone of voice, his left hand passing over his straight black greasy hair as he turned to the many cameras that were surrounding him. He had a certain air of confidence to him; probably thanks to all his years of experience.

The man known as Carlos put his arms against the arm rest of the soft leather brown couch, his back practically sinking as he leaned back. He stared at the empty bleachers in front of him; a small expression of sadness crossing his face, though he obviously couldn’t let that be caught on the camera and as thus he made sure to keep those feelings away.

His show had been one of the best late night TV shows for years, he had gotten trophies, recognitions and had become a star. Of course none of that mattered anymore, a frivolous thing such as TV was no longer important with the arduous times that the world was facing.

The man turned towards his guest, his grin returning once more.

The man sitting in front of him simply stared back at him as he tweaked his glasses nervously. His lips quivered as if he was silently mumbling something, probably what he was planning on saying. “Without further ado, our guest for tonight’s show is none of other than Dr. Clay Urbin, one of the leading scientist behind the ‘Hybrid Investigation’ he along with the rest of his crew made out of the best scientists around the world has been trying to figure out what caused the aftermath of ‘The Day the Sky Fell’ which as you know…”

He trailed off and turned to look at the screen, which was now showing a picture of a small boy.

The boy’s skin had turned a clear yellow, his eyes becoming what seemed like green colored visors; though one could see a pair of eyes behind them. Four green and black colored wings protruded from the young child’s back along with a small bug-like tail.

“…Ended up causing a large part of the world’s population to change into a cross between Pokemon and humans, these are the now new beings known as Hybrids,” Carlos turned back to Clay, who had finally gotten his composure back together. “Now doctor, the world has been in turmoil for months due to this and everyone has questions as to what we can do to solve this problem.”

Clay nodded his head as he processed what the anchor was saying. He finally answered with a light cough. “Well, I’m sure that as most people know these Hybrids are basically a cross between human and Pokemon DNA, now this doesn’t mean that they’re no longer human but rather they have gained Pokemon features,” He explained and adjusted his glasses.

“Me and my colleagues have found out that the meteor shower during “The Day the Sky Fell” seemed to have spread some kind of radiation that affects the human body. It is still unknown why only 35% of humanity was affected but we do know that the radiation waves seemed to create new cells inside those that were affected, cells that resembled Pokemon,” Clay stopped for a moment, his breath going a bit ragged after he had spoken for so long. Carlos was now leaning forward, clear curiosity showing in his eyes as he stared at the doctor. “Unfortunately we still haven’t figured out how to cure these ‘virus’ per se, we have tried creating multiple cures but the Pokemon cells are hard to kill so far all the possible cures we have tested have developed a ‘Hydra’ effect in which if we kill one cell, two more grow out.”

Carlos frowned slightly, probably because he was expecting the doctor to say they had achieved the cure, that would boost his shows rating to the sky after all. He put his head on his right hand and stared at Dr. Clay once more, he needed to do something to make this more base breaking, and he knew just how to do it. “Now, a lot of people have been wondering this. Is there any way that someone who wasn’t affected during the actual meteor shower to become a Hybrid just by being around other Hybrids?”

Dr. Clay seemed a bit doubtful to answer this question at first, almost as if debating whether it was a good choice to answer it or not. The scientists sighed and fidgeted with his hands for a bit before finally speaking. “Sadly I cannot answer that. You see there have been cases where people that weren’t affected during the meteor shower developed Hybrid features shortly after, though unlike those that were affected immediately they have more human features than Pokemon features,” He scratched his chin in thought and leaned against his chair; which was much less comfy than Carlos’s and was made of a rougher texture. “Whether this was a result of being exposed to Hybrids or a late effect still remains to be revealed.”

Carlos’s face gleamed when he heard this, like a kid that had just found a new present under the Christmas tree. He might not be able to show the world a cure but if he expanded on this it would also raise his fame. “So you’re saying that there is some danger in approaching this….’creatures’ isn’t there?” he asked with a sly grin.

A frown crossed across Clay’s face as he realized what the anchorman was trying to do. “Now I did not say that, we are still…”

“Unsure, right?” Carlos interrupted his head nodding as he continued speaking. “That means that unless you can be sure people will have to keep their distance, hell they would have to do it anyway I mean these…whatever they are, they’re not like Pokemon, they can’t be tamed or captured!” he exclaimed; waving his hand around carefully.

“They are sentient human beings with the powers of Pokemon, imagine if someone decided to use this power for evil, they could destroy a whole city if they so wished to!” Clay didn’t respond to this, instead looking down at the floor and groaning. Carlos had left him without any answers; he also knew that if he didn’t stop him then things would just get even worse. “I’m just saying, even if they were humans once they have Pokemon blood in them that means that they have the same instinct, which means they could attack normal people as well.”

The screen went black at that moment causing a young boy to whine in disapproval as he put his arms down on the kitchen counter. His long straight black hair waving around his forehead as he turned to look at his mother. “Mom, I wanted to watch,” The young kid stated, his cheeks inflating so as to show his distaste.

“You’re way too young to watch those shows,” His mom argued with a giggle before she set the remote down on the kitchen counter. Her long black hair flowed down her body as she walked around the counter to put her son’s plate down, though the boy didn’t seem to react much to this. “That man is just being a bully, everyone’s trying their best to solve the issue with the Hybrids and he’s turning the blame on them instead.”

The boy didn’t reply, instead looking down at the steak and mashed potatoes; his eyes gazing in curiosity at the steam that wavered over the plate. “I’m already seven though!” he whined, ensuing a scoff from his mom before she petted his head.

“You’re right,” She sighed, deciding that it would be best to let her son have the reason so he would calm down. “I forget that you’re not a kid anymore,” She smiled warmly at him before she began walking back around the counter and sat down on the opposite chair from her son.

“Though Hybrids are kind of scary mom,” the kid said fearfully as he began to cut a piece of his steak. “There’s this kid in our class that looks like a Duskull now, it’s really weird and we’re all scared, plus his family keeps him locked in his house and he’s able to go through walls,” He explained while taking a bite out of the piece, his teeth digging into his food as the taste washed over him; causing him to let out a satisfied smile.

“I know he might seem scary Michael, but he’s still the same person underneath,” His mom said; stretching her hand so that she could grab her son’s. “It’s not like he wanted to become a Hybrid, besides. What if it was you who became a Hybrid? Would you want people to treat you the same way?”

Michael turned away from his mother, his eyes looking down at the plate as shame crossed his face. “No…I wouldn’t like it,” He stated; his expression turning into a pout when he came to this realization.

“Everyone acts as if Hybrids are a threat and they’re right that people with Pokemon abilities could result in something dangerous,” His mom nodded her head sagely. “However, they are still people with families, lives and everyone forgets that just because they look different and have different aspects than us.”

“You sure know a lot mom,” Michael smiled as he looked at his mother with bright cheerful eyes.

“Well I should know I work with them after all,” His mom smiled, her eyes looking over at the white lab coat that was hanging from the kitchen door with a smile. “I’m sure your dad would’ve helped me if he was still alive,” Her eyes then fell to her plate once more, her expression becoming somber and depressed. “Honestly I would’ve liked it better if he had turned into a Hybrid during the meteor shower.”

“I wonder what kind of Hybrid dad would’ve been!” Michael exclaimed suddenly, his cheerful voice managing to pull his mother out from her own thoughts. He stood up from his chair and spread his arms wide while smiling at his mom. “I bet he would’ve turned into a Tyranitar or a Charizard!” he exclaimed cheerfully.

“Yeah your father did like those,” She laughed gleefully; her face going from somber to happy as she and her son enjoyed their one moment of happiness together. Things had been hard for them in the last few months and it was nice to finally have a chance to unwind. She smiled at Michael and leaned forward to pat his head, she was happy; even if her husband wasn’t with them she still had her son that would always help her. “So, if you were a Hybrid what Pokemon would you like to be then?”

“Hmmmm….” Michael scratched his chin comically, his eyes staring at the roof in thought. “An Empoleon, those are so cool! I really want to have one.”

“Well then you can have one when you go on your journey,” Michael’s mother smiled and stood up from the table.

“You should give me one,” Michael beamed.

“I’ll think about it.”

***

The next day after dropping Michael off at his elementary school she proceeded to head for her workplace. Her lab coat was folded gently on the passenger’s seat as she drove, with it sliding from right to left with every movement the car made.

As the buildings and bustling crowds of Saffron began to give way to the trees and nature outside of the city she could see a line beginning to come into view.

There were hybrids of all types and sizes lined up one after another, all of them with the same purpose in mind. Some of them had clothed themselves in a way that no one would see them; while others had left their full appearance in view for the world, one thing was obvious though, all of the Hybrids seemed distant, maybe even a bit bitter.

She was pulled out from her own thoughts by the sound of her phone ringing, causing her to shuffle threw her purse, this made it hard for her to keep her eyes on the road but she was somehow able to manage after years of similar moments. She looked at the screen of her phone which showed the picture of a man, probably around his fifties, with wrinkles already forming around his eyes and cheek along with greying black hair that was combed all the way to the back. The name Earl Carter was displayed on the bottom of the screen.

This man was one of the leading scientists in their search for a cure to the Hybrid transformation; a very famous scientist recognized for multiple discoveries and for his influence in the world of science as well as politics. The woman raised an eyebrow in curiosity, it was odd that someone as famous as him would want to speak to her, and even if she was part of the same research she wasn’t exactly in an important role; nevertheless she proceeded to answer the call, throwing all of her questions aside. “Hello Dr. Carter, to what do I owe this pleasure?.”

“Hello Arlene,” Earl Carter’s voice was heard from the other end of the line, his voice sounding polite and calm. “I was just calling to ask you to come to my office when you reach the lab, there’s something that I want to talk to you about.”

“Oh,” Arlene said with an air of surprise; taken aback by the fact that someone as famous as him would want to speak to her personally. “There’s some paperwork that I need to take care of in my office, so will it be all right if you come to my office instead?”

“That would be plausible,” the doctor replied before hanging up almost instantly.

***

After entering Saffron’s Research Center’s parking lot Arlene proceeded to get off her car and make her way towards the building.

It was a large facility with about six floors; the building was colored in eggshell white and was composed of a small dome that stood at the entrance with the rest of the building standing above it.

As she made her way into the building Arlene was finally able to see the line of Hybrids from the spot where it began. The staff was already taking the necessary blood samples from each of the Hybrids that came into the building. The process was simple, by extracting the blood of the Hybrids they would be able to see how their cells had been affected and how they could create a proper cure, because of this they needed multiple samples from the same species so as to make sure that they all presented the same pattern.

She honestly felt sorry when she saw them all lined up like that, all of their hopes and lives had been put into this one project that she was part of, and it was honestly a lot of pressure. Every day she thought about what would happen if she failed or if they ended up making things worse, especially after what she had told her son the night before.

She quickly threw those thoughts away though, knowing that she shouldn’t get discouraged so easily, there were a lot of people trusting in her as well as Michael and her deceased husband, he would’ve wanted her to keep going regardless of what happened.

***

Arlene had finally reached her office, her eyes scanning the multiple sheets of paper that clouded over her desk, making everything else completely useable. She sure hoped Michael would never see her office, even though she was a neat freak at home her work area left much to be desired. “I really need to clean a little more,” He sighed as she began to gather the papers that were on her desk.

From the corner of her eye she could see the mall red and white ball that had been set up right in front of her computer’s touchscreen. A smile crept across her face as she grabbed the pokeball and scanned it once more. She giggled in her mind when she remembered her son’s reaction to the subject of Pokemon; however, that just made her more impatient to see his reaction when she gave him his present.

“Wow, this place is indeed worthy of a researcher.”

Arlene turned her head around, her face looking a bit startled at the sudden intrusion. Earl Carter was standing by the door, his hand gently lifted in the air as he waved at her. “Oh Dr. Carter. I’m sorry, I wasn’t expecting visitors,” she laughed innocently while desperately trying to shuffled some of the papers away. “So?” she faced the more experienced doctor once more, still seeming a bit embarrassed due to her office’s state.

“Oh yeah about that,” Earl walked into the office, allowing Arlene to see the small stack of papers that he was carrying on his left hand; the papers seemed to be held by a metal clip to keep them in place. “First of all, I wanted to ask how the acquiring of blood samples was going and if you had made any progress.”

Arlene’s face instantly turned more serious, knowing that she was now at her job and as thus had to show a different face. She nodded her head before pocketing her hands inside of her lab coat. “We’ve gathered a total of 2000 samples adding up what we’ve obtained in this lab, the lab in Celadon as well as the one in Cinnabar, I still have yet to contact the other regions to ask how their results have been.”

“Regarding the samples themselves, I’m afraid to say that our original worries were right,” Arlene sighed in frustration as she crossed her arms. “It seems that a good part of the blood samples showed different amounts of Pokemon cells added to the human cells,” she said cordially. “For example, people that developed Hybrid traits days or even weeks after the accident present less of an amount than normal ones, not just that but we can’t make a specific antidote to cure them all since it seems each species of Pokemon has a different type of blood, so the way we have to handle it has to be different.”

Earl nodded his head, almost as if he was taking his time trying to process what Arlene had said. He raised his head slightly and smiled at her before handing her the stack of papers that he was carrying. “We got called in by the higher ups, well, I called them. This is going to be our new project.”

Arlene’s face instantly turned cold when she heard those words. Did this mean that they were shutting down their current research, if so then that would mean prolonging the creation of the antidote for years, maybe even decades if they didn’t get proper funding. “Um, sir, with all due respect I don’t think shutting it down is the best choice, I mean right now finding a cure for this is our best course of action in my opinion.”

Earl didn’t reply, instead he turned away from Arlene to stare at the windows on the other side of the room, a pensive look hanging on his face. “Did you read today’s newspaper?”

“Um…I usually just check the internet, it’s faster, but I haven’t looked at the news today,” Arlene replied while shaking her head; she could tell that the doctor’s mood had changed in just a few seconds, as if there was a cloud of gloominess hanging above him.

“Well you’d be happy to know that last night three unknown Hybrids snuck into the vault at Goldenrod City’s National Bank and stole a total of two million Poke,” Earl’s tone had become more bitter, if a little resentful as he looked at Arlene from the corner of her eye. “One of the most famous banks of the world, with the highest security, broken into like a piggy bank being hit by a hammer.”

“Yeah but…that’s no reason to shut it dow…”

“We have to look at the big picture here.” Earl interrupted, his hand resting on one of the two chairs in front of Arlene’s desk. “If we don’t do something that would allow us to counter the Hybrids first then normal humans would be in trouble, if they use their powers for the wrong things then it could end up destroying society as we know it.”

“We can’t just judge them like that!” Arlene exclaimed out, a frown crossing her face as she clenched her hand on the stack of papers, almost causing her palm to be cut by the edges of the papers. “If we treat them like a threat instead of helping them…”

“Now doctor, do you really think they’ll want help?” Earl asked with a raised eyebrow, a soft scoff escaping his lips. “Once they let their Pokemon side kick in and see their abilities they will embrace it, that’s how humans are and combining that with Pokemon abilities does not make things better. So whether you like it or not we’re shutting this project down until we’re sure we’ve got what we need to deal with the Hybrids.”

“So that’s what the higher ups decided,” Arlene pointed out with a frown as she glared at Earl, who on the other hand seemed to have calmed down a bit. Obviously a man with so much influence couldn’t be so…so despicable so as to condemn others so easily. Or maybe he was like that, maybe it was just more convenient for people to control Hybrids. “…and you want the blood samples don’t you?” she hissed.

“The samples would help our new project quite a bit, and don’t worry since you have gone through all the trouble we are thinking of making you a supervisor plus we will repay you for all the hassle,” Earl Carter nodded his head politely, his words sounding as if they had been reused so many times that they just came out on their own, something that in turn annoyed Arlene even more. “Now since you were left in charge of the samples I will need your card so that I can take them out.”

Arlene didn’t reply, instead turning to walk towards the door and making Earl stared at her retreating back. “I’m sorry, but I can’t agree to that,” she pointed out bitterly. “If you’re going to use the samples for such a thing then I’d rather just leave.”

“That would be a crime and you know that doctor.”

“I don’t care!” Arlene exclaimed, her fists clenching a bit as she glared at Dr. Carter, and what made it worse was the fact that he looked at her as if her reaction was crazy. “I can’t let you use those samples for something so selfish!”

Earl didn’t reply, instead a grin crossed his face as Arlene walked out of the office. “Well, that went on as expected. These self-righteous scientists are all the same after all, and they can all be handled the same way.”

Arlene made her way deeper into the lab; her pacing went on to become a quick walk as she hurried towards the elevator. She knew that Earl would send security on her, which meant that if she had any hope of getting rid of the samples it would be now. Her mind went back to Michael and what she had told him, to not worry and to believe in her. And now what? The project she was so proud of was being shut down and the samples that she and the others had worked hard to gather were going to be used for the wrong purpose.

“I know this won’t help, but at least it’ll keep things even for everyone.” She muttered.

Just as she was about to enter the elevator though something grabbed her attention, a loud sound that thundered through the building, something that made her heart dropped once she had figured what it was, a roar. Before long many subsequent roars began to resound, making everyone come out from their offices and proceed to run towards the ground floor; Arlene was no exception.

“What’s going on?” she asked herself, knowing that something must’ve happened with the blood extractions. As she ran towards the stairs she came to pass Earl once more; however, unlike the other scientists he was sitting on one of the chairs of her office and looking down at the floor.

She didn’t have time to worry though and instead kept going. “Just what is going on.” She stated.

Earl looked at Arlene’s desk, his hand carefully rolling the pokeball around a bit before gently grabbing it. “You can’t stop a clock from turning missy.”

***

Good evening everyone, I’m Sarah Fisherman and this is New Night in Kanto. Our main story for today is yesterday’s “Hybrid Outbreak” in Saffron City’s Research Center. The research center, which had been functioning as one of Kanto’s labs in charge of discovering a cure for Hybrids, suffered a rebellious break out of the Hybrids who they had been taking samples from.

The cause for this sudden turn of events hasn’t been figured out, unfortunately there were up to 100 casualties and 300 wounded, with most of the casualties being the scientists that had been working there and the guards that tried to calm the crowd of Hybrids down.

This, along with the bank robbery at Goldenrod and other recent Hybrid related events have caused the League Alliance to act. Already new laws are being created so as to keep Hybrids in check, some are considering prohibiting them to enter cities and towns and others insist they be apprehended.

What may or may not happen in the future is still uncertain; unfortunately I feel that our days might be turning grimier from now on.

***

Black was the only thing he could see, something that indeed matched the mood of the room itself. People walked around, vowing in front of him with sad expressions on their faces as they proceeded to sat down.

Michael gently passed his small hand along the wooden surface that stood next to him, his eyes looking down at the floor before turning to his right. His mother, Arlene, or at least what was left of her was now resting in a carcass…that was it, that was the only thing that remained of his mother, a box that he hadn’t even been allowed to look into.

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

Michael raised his head to look at the old man standing in front of him, a soft smile on his face as he stood in front of him with his hand spread out, there was something about him that piqued Michael’s curiosity though, mainly the long scar that went along his left jaw. He looked at the small pokeball that he was holding on his palm. “My name is Earl Carter, I was one of your mom’s partners…I wish I could’ve helped her honestly.”

“I see…” was all Michael said as he slowly grabbed the ball. “What’s this?”

“That was going to be your mom’s present to you Michael,” Earl nodded his head before patting the little boy’s head. “I’m sorry for everything, if you ever feel like asking for help then just ask your aunt and uncle, I’ve already given them my number.”

“Thanks…sir,” Michael muttered inaudibly as he stared at the ball. That was the only thing he had left of her, a present that he was never able to properly receive. He clenched on the ball as tears began to appear in his eyes. “Why mom…why?” he sobbed softly as he held the ball closer.

With that the old man proceeded to turn around, a small grin on his face as he pocketed his hands. Now that Arlene was gone he had been able to obtain the samples he wanted…everything was going like he wanted it to. “Now it’s time, for Project Gemini to start.”

Next Time: First Day on the Job

 

[AetherX]

Damn. I'm getting a serious X-Men vibe here. Except cooler.

I can see that Michael is going to be the bent on vengeance anti-hero. I wonder how long it'll take for him and Jessie to meet up. Another plot guess: It would seem that ghost and dark-types would receive the most prejudice since they're connoted with evil. In return that would make them act evil in frustration at the prejudice. That's what I was thinking when I first read through at least.

It seems kind of weird that they would want to stop finding a cure in favor of combating the hybrids, as a cure would probably be the best weapon (again similar to X-Men).

Awesome chapter, I can see why you're excited about this idea and I can't wait to see where it goes.

 

[Kyuuketsuki]

Prologue & Chapter 1 Review

Getting the technical stuff out of the way, there were some grammar mistakes and word confusion scattered around the chapter, and these can be fixed by just some revision and more technical reading.

The world the story is set in has obviously been planned out and thought of in detail. I thought the dialogue was especially well done, with each character shining through their words. There were times in which I felt some scenes could have been cut, but looking back, they were there to inform the reader of the different points of view regarding these Hybrids.

Throughout the chapters, a couple of questions popped into my mind: Are Pokémon affected by this? We saw humans develop Pokémon features, and there was some foreshadowing that indicated some Pokémon are going to be affected, but I could've misinterpreted it. It would be interesting to see these Hybrids coming from both Humans and Pokémon, and bridging the gap between the two. And the blood that was extracted; it has been established that it cannot be confirmed nor denied that the Hybrids can infect others; if someone had the same blood type as a Hybrid, can they adopt their powers through blood transfusion? And if so, would they be better at controlling these powers?

Finally, it was a good, intriguing start to a story. Keep it up.

 

[some colour no doubt]

Really interesting story you have going here! I agree with what Aether said, it definitely has an "X-Men" kinda vibe to it, and also if you ever played a game called "Shadowrun" it had a similar situation, where percentages of the population underwent some form of mutation. Doing this with pokémon seems like a really good topic for a story and i can't wait to see how the rest of it plays out.


Keep it up and i look forward to reading what you come up with for this story in the future!