TEEN: - Complete Retelling of Satoshi's Kanto Journey

[Fan of Jarrus]

I have been working on writing about Satoshi's first journey. There are going to be depictions of violence and injuries. Based on the Japanese version.

There are elements from the anime, games and Movie 20 in this story.

Chapter 1

Mumbling, Satoshi jumps out of bed. He has been excited about starting his journey all day. “I’ll just watch something for a while.” He switches on his TV, a battle was on. Satoshi smiles, enjoying the battle between a Nidorino and a Gangar.

“I will be having a match like that one day.” The ten-year-old raises his voice. “To the Pokémon of the world! I will become the best Trainer, no Pokémon Master!”

“Satoshi, you should be in bed.” Satoshi’s mother snaps, standing in the door of Satoshi’s room.

“I cannot sleep.” Satoshi protests as he takes off his hat. “I am too excited for my journey.”

“Well, at least watch something that can teach you.” His mother changes the channel showing Professor Ōkido speaking of the three beginning Pokémon. Fire type Hitokage, water type Zenigame and grass type Fushigidane. “When that finishes get to bed.”

“Yes.” Satoshi nods while focusing on the programme. Soon he starts to yawn as he puts on his pyjamas. “I do not want to be late for my partner.” Satoshi tells himself as he sets the alarm on his clock. Gazing out the window, Satoshi watches Masara Town dim out. Then he falls into his dreams.

Hitokage seems a great choice. “I choose you, Hitokage!” Satoshi throws the Monster Ball and the fiery lizard comes out. Or Zenigame could be his partner. Maybe Fushigidane. Satoshi carefully thinks over his choices.

Satoshi jolts awake after the morning light shines into his room. “No, it’s morning already?!” He jumps out of bed, calling to his mother. “I’m late! I must get to Professor Ōkido’s lab!” Satoshi opens the door, not hearing his mother’s calls.

“Hitokage, Fushigidane.” Satoshi pants as he sprints pass houses. “Or Zenigame. If there is just one left I’ll take it.” He is almost to the lab when he bumps into someone. “Ow.” Satoshi yelps as he falls back.

“That hurt me too.” The boy snaps.

“Sorry.” Satoshi picks himself up. “I am late for my new partner.”

“I already have mine.” The boy takes out his Monster Ball. “You are Satoshi? The name is Shigeru.”

“Yes.” Satoshi nods. “Who is your partner?”

“I am not going to tell.” Shigeru puts the Monster Ball back into his pocket. He pauses for a moment. “Maybe I will.” A Zenigame comes out by Shigeru’s side. “A good choice.” He smiles at the water type turtle. The crowd behind Shigeru cheers for him and his partner as they walk off.

Scowling, Satoshi walks into the lab. He hopes to be better than Shigeru one day. He can hear the machines going off in the lab.

Inside Professor Ōkido is taking away three Monster Balls. “Oh, another beginner.” He pauses for a few seconds then tells Satoshi. “The three Pokémon have already been taken. But,” He trails off, looking to the side.

“I’m late. Is there a partner for me?” Satoshi asks, getting desperate.

“There is.” The Professor picks up another Monster Ball. “But this one is a little wild.” A striped yellow Pokémon comes out with a squeak. “This one is the electric type, Pikachu.”

“Looks cute.” Satoshi picks up the mouse. “Hello. I am Satoshi.” Pikachu squeaks in annoyance and zaps Satoshi’s hand with electricity. He yelps, but keeps his grip on the Pokémon. But the stinging weakened his hands.

“The Pikachu will need taming.” Ōkido tells Satoshi and hands him Trainer equipment. “And take these rubber gloves to protect your hands.”

“Thanks.” Satoshi glances down at Pikachu who turns away. He returns home to tell his mother of his partner and to get out of his pyjamas.

“A cute Pokémon.” His mother looks at the electric mouse. Pikachu snarls at her with cheeks sparking. “He does not seem tame.” She backs off from the angry Pokémon and hands Satoshi his backpack. “Just be careful on your journey.”

“Alright, go in the ball.” Satoshi holds out the Monster Ball, but Pikachu bats it away. “What? Why don’t you want to?” Pikachu ignores his question. Satoshi will just have to carry the stubborn mouse.

*

Satoshi goes off out of Masara town, dragging his stubborn partner with a lead. It is the first time he has left his home. Children are forbidden to walk in the wilderness without protection. Soon the buildings were far off and replaced by grass and trees. “Aren’t you going to walk?” Satoshi stops and asks Pikachu.

Pikachu snarls and bites free off the lead. He lets out an annoyed squeak at Satoshi.

“I do like you.” Satoshi tells his partner. “Why don’t you open your mouth and tell me what is wrong.” Pikachu opens his mouth. “That’s not what I meant.” Satoshi sighs, wishing that the Pokémon is not so cold. “Can you help me catch some Pokémon here?” He puts his bag down near a tree and takes out some Monster Balls.

“If we find any Pokémon, let’s get them.” Satoshi tells Pikachu, excitement rising in him. Pikachu just looks at Satoshi’s bag. A Koratta is looking inside for food. “Hey! Get out of there!” Satoshi yells.

His Pokémon Zukan in his pocket starts up and tells Satoshi. “Some Pokémon take food from foolish travellers.”

“Foolish, me?” Satoshi wonders about the Zukan. He brushes it off and looks around for any Pokémon.

Pikachu climbs up a tree and looks away from Satoshi. “Hey! I need you to help me!” Satoshi calls to the mouse Pokémon. “Alright then! I’ll try on my own.” He picks up a few rocks and soon spots a bird Pokémon. Satoshi throws a rock and misses, startling the Poppo who flies off. The tiny bird sprays Satoshi with a gust of air and dust.

“Damn it.” Satoshi coughs as he watches the Poppo fly away. “Pikachu come down and help!” Pikachu just laughs at Satoshi’s failure and stays on the tree.

“Don’t stand there laughing.” Satoshi curses, this Pokémon is supposed to help him. But the is another bird Pokémon nesting nearby. “I’ll get this one.” Satoshi gets a Monster Ball and rock then creeps up to the bird. He throws the rock which hits. “I got you!” Then he captures the bird in the Monster Ball.

But the Pokémon comes out and glares at Satoshi. “Onisuzume have a fierce temper.” The Zukan warns Satoshi.

The Onisuzume flies up and dives at Pikachu. “Hey!” Satoshi yells. “I threw the rock, not Pikachu!” But the Onisuzume ignores him and continues the attack.

“Wild Pokémon are hostile to human trained Pokémon.” The Zukan explains.

“Get down quickly, Pikachu!” Satoshi calls as he picks up his bag. Pikachu shoots out electricity which knocks the Onisuzume down.

Eyes burning with rage, the Onisuzume calls and summons more of the birds. There are lots coming towards them.

“We run.” Satoshi’s mouth drops. He can feel the sweat dripping down him. Pikachu nods in agreement.

Satoshi’s heart pounds as he dashes. An Onisuzume pecks at his neck, trying to slow down Satoshi. “Get off.” He brushes the bird away. “Pikachu keep up!” He yells as his partner trips up.

Another Onisuzume slashes Satoshi across the face. Ignoring blood dripping down him, Satoshi focuses on running. “No, Pikachu!” He stops as the Onisuzume give strong pecks to his partner.

Rain starts to beat down, drenching the pair. Satoshi carries Pikachu in his arms. “I will get you to safety, Pikachu.”

How can he hide from this angry flock? Satoshi looks around. He is coming up to a hill alongside a river. “Dammit!” He yells as gets a peck on the arm. “I’m going to jump, Pikachu!” He lets the wounded Pokémon know.

Satoshi leaps into the cold lake. He just lets the water drag them. Several Pokémon got the scent of Satoshi’s and Pikachu’s blood. But Satoshi kicks his legs to move faster. He ran so fast that his legs ached. “I hope we’ve lost them.” Satoshi grabs on a rod that just sunk into and hooks it on his jacket.

They are yanked out of the water. Satoshi gasps for air. “Thanks.” He mumbles while checking Pikachu.

“What horrible injuries.” The red haired girl bends down.

“I’m-” Satoshi gets his breath back.

She slaps him on the cheek. “Not you. This Pokémon needs care. Do not let them get like this. There is a Pokémon Center in Tokiwa City.”

Satoshi notices her bike nearby. “I have to borrow this. They are coming.” He points to the approaching flock on Onisuzume. He places Pikachu in the basket and peddles off.

“Hey wait!” The girl calls in anger. “That is my bike.”

“I have to get to the Pokémon Center!” Satoshi yells over his shoulder. He uses his dwindling strength to keep peddling.

Lightning crashes overhead. The Onisuzume flock keeps on during this weather. Satoshi gasps in frustration. “They don’t care about stopping.”

The bike gives out, sending Satoshi and Pikachu crashing to the ground. With blood and dirt stained clothes, Satoshi gets up. But he collapses again from a sprain. “Dammit, my ankle.” He curses between gasps. “Pikachu get in this ball.” He places the ball next to his partner.

Pikachu weakly squeaks and looks at Satoshi. The mouse paws at the ball with his remaining energy.

“Please do.” Satoshi runs his hand through Pikachu’s blood drenched fur. He turns his hat back and faces the flock of Onisuzume. Satoshi manages a few steps with his injured ankle. “You are not laying another touch on Pikachu! Go through me! Satoshi from Masara Town!”

The flock dives right at Satoshi with angry squawks. Satoshi braces himself for the attacks. Just when it looks like he will get torn apart, Pikachu jumps up. He fires out an electric blast which knocks Satoshi into blackness.

Satoshi opens his eyes and is greeting by sunlight. His body ached, but he is relieved that the Onisuzume are gone. “We have done it.” He whispers to Pikachu.

Pikachu squeaks back and nods with a smile. “We have, Satoshi.”

Satoshi sits up, ignoring the pain of his wounds. It is the gash on his arm that is the worst. A sudden shriek takes his attention to the sky. A large rainbow coloured bird Pokémon flies overhead. “What is that?” Satoshi gasps as he watches the creature. A feather falls down and lands somewhere in the grass.

“Unidentified Pokémon.” His Zukan replies.

Picking up Pikachu, Satoshi walks over with help from a fallen branch. He picks up the feather and gazes at it. “OK, Pikachu. I show you later when you are healed.” Satoshi tells his partner as he limps on.

He can just see Tokiwa City on the horizon. “Hang in there, Pikachu.” Satoshi whispers. Pikachu responses with a lick on his cheek. Satoshi is amazed of his partner’s change. Now at Tokiwa City, they can now get their injuries treated. Then find out which Pokémon the feather belongs to.

 

[Ghostsoul]

There are going to be depictions of violence and injuries.

So, this is the reason for the 'teen' tag?

Mumbling, Satoshi jumps out of bed. He has been excited about starting his journey all day.

This sentence is kind of confusing, him jumping out of his bed implies it's the morning, yet when you read ahead, you learn that it's probably not. The 'all day' here feels very out of place.

“I will be having a match like that one day.” The ten-year-old raises his voice. “To the Pokémon of the world! I will become the best Trainer, no Pokémon Master!”

Having your character say nearly all their thoughts can get very annoying, very quickly. Even characters that do exclaim a lot have at least some internal monologue of their own.

“When that finishes get to bed.”

This needs to be placed on the line below, as it's own paragraph.

Hitokage seems a great choice. “I choose you, Hitokage!”

This needs more explanation, otherwise it doesn't really have a reason for being there.

“There is.” The Professor picks up another Monster Ball. “But this one is a little wild.” A striped yellow Pokémon comes out with a squeak. “This one is the electric type, Pikachu.”

“Looks cute.” Satoshi picks up the mouse. “Hello. I am Satoshi.” Pikachu squeaks in annoyance and zaps Satoshi’s hand with electricity. He yelps, but keeps his grip on the Pokémon. But the stinging weakened his hands.

The scene with Professor Oak needs a lot more attention and description in it.

Pikachu snarls and bites free off the lead. He lets out an annoyed squeak at Satoshi.

Same as the above. It doesn't create much tension or drama because of how simplistically it's put across to the reader.

The Zukan

The Japanese phrases and quotes (some of them at least) are a bit confusing for the reader, especially if they know very little Japanese.

Another Onisuzume slashes Satoshi across the face. Ignoring blood dripping down him

Again, the tension here is very much destroyed due to the very simplistic writing style.

Now at Tokiwa City, they can now get their injuries treated. Then find out which Pokémon the feather belongs to.

I sort of feel like the chapter just kind of stops without much of a real sense of closure, almost as if it was in the middle of a paragraph.

Overall, everything here feels very basic. It's sentence structures are very simplistic, one thing happens, then another thing etc. There is little description to speak of, little sense of worldbuilding so that the reader can't easily picture the environment. The simplistic nature of the writing also makes it difficult to sense the emotions of the characters, or general tone of the writing. Despite being a Journey fic, it seems as if it doesn't really want to know what direction it wants to go in.

I would really work on prose description and details above all else, because right now there is very little sense of atmosphere, which the reader needs in order to care more for the characters and plot itself.

 

[Beth Pavell]

I agree with Ghostsoul's comments above - I'd also like to add that the dialogue seems a little stilted. I'm wondering whether it's a more direct translation from the Japanese script - there are a lot of word choices in there that sound really stiff and formal in English:

We run

Do not let them get like this.

Now, there's nothing inherently wrong with the "novelisation" type story. The problem they always run into is that the reader is probably already familiar with the story, so a simple retreading of it in a different medium is really just telling them what they already know. So far as I can tell there's not really anything that sets this chapter apart from Pokémon! I Choose You! other than being a bit more explicit about injury. You'd certainly get more interest if you showed what it is you're adapting and how this is going to be any different. The best example I can think of off the top of my head is AetherX's Unpredictable - broadly based on the plot of the Kanto games, but diverges very early on and unfolds very differently.

There are other subtler problems of adaptation, like how the sort of pacing that works visually is death to a written story. And vice versa - written stories usually need to spend more time setting the scene because we don't immediately just see it like we do on screen.

Oh, and if you're stuck I always recommend reading. If nothing else it may help with the motivation, but more importantly it's better than reading endless advice articles when it comes to picking up the art of writing

 

[Fan of Jarrus]

Thanks for the tips.