TEEN: - Ongoing Retribution PG-13 (mild swearing violence religion robot sci-fi)

[TheVodka]

Im going to post the first 2 chapters and if i get 20 replies ill post the rest.

*Its pronounced Cole sierra but its spelled Col Serra
*the first chapter is not the greatest I know
*the chapter titles are also names of songs

Retribution





Chapter One: Break​

Whoa? Where am I? Col spoke slowly.
Ah, you’re awake stated D.K., his right hand man. Col got up, and headed towards the door only to realize all his battle gear and clothes had been removed.
Okay D.K., where are they at? He pointed to a closet with deep blue lockers. Col Serra went in and got changed real fast. After he got changed he walked out and sat in his chair. He and D.K. where talking about the recent battle that left Col in critical condition for a week. Col looked down at his arm and noticed several half-healed scars up and down his pale arm.
That Slasher drone sure did a number stated D.K. Col suddenly realized he had a speech to do today. He stood and gave D.K. a sharp look as he grabbed his plasma rifle and walk outside. This was no vacation. They were in the last safe place the humans had, Olympus. Col stared into the eyes of at least 100,000 people and he led them all. Col cleared his throat and started
Today we stand as not just one person but a whole race of people Billions have died because of the Null Drones We will not let them die in vain. We will fight, because we are humans, not some kind of machine Today, my brothers we rise from a dark moon to a shining star
The crowd let out a deafening roar Suddenly Matthew, the head (and youngest) technician strode in, and demanded Col see something important, NOW.
Ahh yes, the new weapons are completed. Col stated smoothly. He followed Matt to the weapons room, and then he saw it.
She's wonderful Col said as he looked at the hover speeder. He heard a buzz in his ear.
Wartime Col let out a chuckle and told matt to get the chopper ready. He walked back outside and said
I need ten soldiers to come with me anyone whose interested come to the hanger He began walking with D.K. to the hanger. They grabbed their weapons and climbed in the chopper, suddenly 20 or so soldiers came out wanting to come too.
Okay you guys I want all of the guys whose names have 6 letters in them to board the chopper suddenly 9 guys climbed abroad the chopper and they flew off.
They approached the base D.K. said
Man it’s a massacre out there
Then the helicopter was hovering above the base and the pilot said I can’t bring her down, too many drones.
Damn Col said to himself.
Okay you guys me and D.K. are going to HALO jump down there and clear 'em out. Col turned on his I-Pod and set it to Under the Knife by Rise Against, D.K. and Col walked to the opening in the back of the helicopter and
said see ya, bitches and jumped. They landed right in action
Man D.K. it is a slaughter house out here. Out of nowhere several advanced drones lunged at Col lifted up his rifle and shot them right in the hull But they kept coming.
D.K. yelled Back to back now There they were completely surrounded by drones. They emptied there clips but few fell. Col reached for his G.A.S. grenade.
“I got it he yelled as he threw it into the riot of drones. He and D.K. ran into the crowd of over 100 drones’ guns a blazing.
Ahh Col yelled as he drew his steel knife and swiped at the Null Drones. They began to fire at him, and he ducked behind some ruins of the base.

 

[TheVodka]

Chapter Two:Two as One​

Col was wounded, his shirt was tore and stained red from blood. He stood, and ran as fast as he could at the robots, his knife did very little to help him. A drone came from behind it shot three shots into Col’s shoulder. Col responded by driving his knife deep into the so-called eye of the drone. Now heavily injured and disarmed he stood strong. This was a suicide mission, the whole base was destroyed and they were severely outnumbered.
Then he got a radio message; “This is falcon. Do you copy?”
“I Copy falcon, this is Col.”
“Permission to drop the load, Sir?”
“GO FOR IT ”
“Rodger that, Falcon out.” Suddenly, 10 guys landed down. One tossed him a 4 foot steel katana.
Cover me Col yelled as he ran towards a voice that called for help. Dodging bullets and shrapnel, he slid into a pile of steel and brick, only to find a young girl laying there. Her wounds were minor and he had to get her back to the base now He radioed the squad telling them all to get back to the chopper. He tossed the young girl over his shoulder and the began to run, as he did his vision yellowed and he got faster. He took shots to the kidneys and stomach. The made it to Falcon and he collapsed...
He woke to find him self in the medical room the doctor came in.
“Your lucky to be alive it took 3 hours to patch you up. You had 103 stitches. You should rest up for a while. We did some DNA tests on that girl you saved, she’s Matts mother. Do you want me to tell him?”
“No! I will do it when I return” Col said.
“You need to rest.” the doctor shouted.
“There’s no rest for the wicked.” Col chuckled. Col pushed the curtain aside and approached Matt and D.K.
“D.K. I want you to take 5 violet corps men and se if you can find anything at those ruins.”
“Got it, sir” D.K. Walked to get the me.
“Matt, I trust you more than anyone. I need to take of some things. If anything happens to me, I want you to take my place. Do you understand?” Col asked
“Yes, but I must give you something” Matt walked Col to his Lab. He pointed out a black sword. “You see this it’s a carbo-site blade 10 times stronger than steel. Also take this it’s a Plasma pistol the first of its kind. I even modeled it after your favorite gun, the M1A1 1911. It shoots a super heated Plasma charge half gas half solid.”
“Thank you.” He put he gun and katana away. After a few brief words Col began the walk to his hanger.


Col walked to his hanger and saw his speeder, parked on the runway, already prepped. Matt must have called ahead. He climbed on, but hesitated. He glanced down at his hands, and saw the nanobot oil there, but proceeded to start the bike. He put his headphones in his ears, and set the song to M.I.A. by Avenged Sevenfold. He sped off into the distance
~Meanwhile~
D.K. led his squad of six men to the Ruins.
He turned to his men and said Holo-suit off. his body flickered. 6 soldiers dropped to the ground dead, as D.K. licked the blood off his finger tips. He scoped out the landscape, walked to a boulder and easily moved it to the side. What he saw was too gruesome for most men, but he simply laughed at the mutilated bodies that lay in frozen terror. He moved them aside to find what he was looking for. It was a record chip that contained info on most if not all weapons used by the Rebel Resistance. He slid it into his pocket.
Col was at his mother’s grave, it read: Ellie P. Serra.
“ I will fucking avenge you and every other man who died in this war, are numbers are small about 200 thousand humans left. The null drones have billions. I heard from him he told me what to do and I will do it. He chose me has the savior this time.” Col looked at the horizon it was getting dark. Had to get back. He climbed onto his hover speeder and set his I-Pod to What if? By Godsmack and set off into the sunset.
He was only 14 when the where murdered by the null drones. After this he ran into hiding and trained for 11 years until the drones began to kill of every human not just the poor. Col was entered in the marines for training but he never served. 3 years after this he formed the rebel resistance.



*this is the last short chapter

 

[TheVodka]

bump! some one read it!

 

[Roulette]

Well, first off, I wouldn't set my hopes so high for 20 replies. My fan fic has been up for a few weeks and doesn't even have that many. Second, you'll never get taken seriously unless you use the right punctuation and stuff. I noticed that you have a lot of dialogue and no quotation marks (except I think you fixed that in the second chapter). Also, I would highly consider adding spaces in between paragraphs to make it easier to read. Readers will take one look at your huge block of text and return to the forums because it looks intimidating.

Besides those basic beginner's mistakes that pretty much every new author makes, there are a few minor grammatical and spelling errors scattered about the chapters. Find and fix those and you should be in business.

Interesting story, I'll keep an eye out for future chapters.

 

[TheVodka]

Thanks I know the first chapter has many errors so i plan on rewriting it anyway

 

[Roulette]

Cool, keep it up. Don't take it too hard if you don't get a lot of comments right away, it usually takes a few chapters before people start reading it. Be sure to wait about 2-4 days between posting chapters as well, so readers can read on their own time.

 

[revolvingscott]

Yeah, it discourages readers if they walk into a thread and it's got, like, 6 chapters all posted within the space of 10 minutes. Be sure to space them out. :]

 

[TheVodka]

okay chapter three is coming soon