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COMPLETE: Rings: Diary of a Team Galactic Commander

Lugion

I like to singa
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Just a short one-shot I wrote up just a few moments ago. Something I've always loved about Team Galactic's story is that the entire organization doesn't simply disappear, and instead, Saturn takes over as leader after the Spear Pillar event, after having displayed disloyal tendencies during the main story. He stands out to me, being one of the very few NPCs in all of the Pokémon franchise to be given such personality, aside from the Rival, the Boss, and occasionally the Champion and a few Gym Leaders. So please, read, enjoy, and I'd very much appreciate if you left a post giving feedback! I can only improve if I know what I'm doing wrong, after all!
_______________________________________

9-17-2009

Today, Cyrus called a surprise meeting at the Veilstone HQ. He informed us that from now on, we, including us Galactic Administrators, would address him as “Master Cyrus”. Mars and Jupiter seemed to hold no reservations, but I... I fear this may indicate Cyrus's megalomania more strongly than any of his past actions. As usual, the old man, Charon, stood in a far corner, away from the center of attention, at first sulking but later applauding as loyally as any of the grunts. I don't see why Cyrus holds so much faith in him- he's obviously putting up a facade, and a weak one at that.

Afterwards, Cyrus called Mars, Jupiter, Charon, and I to his personal office. As usual, the scientists worked hurriedly, almost fearfully, at their depressing computer consoles in the darkness, monitoring something suspended in tanks full of glowing fluorescent green liquid. They never stopped, or even looked at us. One or two glanced at us tentatively for a split-second, and immediately returned their attention to whatever work Cyrus had assigned them to. Even we Commanders do not know what this is.

Once out of earshot, Cyrus found his Luxray outside of its Poké Ball, and promptly beat the Pokémon before returning it. He turned to us and began to ramble about how “incomplete” the world is, and how emotion is “ruining the universe”. Nothing we haven't heard before.

However, something he said after ending his rant caught my attention. I quote, “My new world is fast approaching. You will all be rewarded for your efforts.” We'd heard the “new world” speech before, but never was it his new world. Never before. What could this mean? I am intrigued by this new world he intends to create, but if it belongs solely to him, what of us? What of the grunts? What of the Pokémon of this world? Before today, it had always been our new world, never his.

Perhaps the boy is right. Luke, I believe his name was, or perhaps some variation thereof. Perhaps we are going about this all wrong. Seeing Cyrus beat his own Pokémon- one he'd possessed since his childhood- so senselessly and mercilessly makes me think that maybe, just maybe, we've been wrong all along. I believe Cyrus fears, somewhere deep in his mind, that this boy will follow in the footsteps of the other prodigies: the young trainer from the Kanto region, who defeated the leader of Team Rocket, the young boy from the Johto Region, who defeated Team Rocket's own Commanders, or whatever they call them, and the boy from the Hoenn region who defeated both Team Aqua and Magma. Oh, perish the thought, my leader. We've been preparing for far too long for our plans to simply fall through. You've proven yourself a worthy leader far too many times to just lose the loyalty of myself and the others.

Some part of me is so dedicated to see this new world, this new, flawless world, into existence, and will not stand by as a mere child dashes these dreams. Some part of me wants to see this world Cyrus is so intent on unleashing. But at what cost? At what cost?

And, perhaps, far away in the back of my mind, another, infinitesimally small part of my being wishes desperately that this boy will succeed.
 
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Re: Rings: Diary of a Team Galactic Adminstrator

I like this. It was a really good read and I enjoyed it very much. It was more than worth the short read. Thumbs up.
 
Re: Rings: Diary of a Team Galactic Adminstrator

Thanks, Jabberjaw!
 
Re: Rings: Diary of a Team Galactic Adminstrator

Good stuff, man. I like how you portrayed Cyrus as beating his Pokes, it really sets him as an evil person.
 
Re: Rings: Diary of a Team Galactic Adminstrator

Thanks, man. This is really my first Pokémon-related fan fiction, other than a short story I wrote when I was probably ten, so it feels good to get back into it after so long.

Of course, Legion still comes first, but I just felt too inspired when I wrote this to just let it go.
 
Re: Rings: Diary of a Team Galactic Adminstrator

I really enjoyed this! It was well-worth the short read, and it had excellent grammar. I like the point of view and the thought behind the words. Nice job!
 
Re: Rings: Diary of a Team Galactic Adminstrator

Thanks! I'm really glad you guys like it. I'd been kinda nervous posting it, but now, I feel totally confident.
 
Re: Rings: Diary of a Team Galactic Adminstrator

I like the writing!

I'm wondering if you could do other diary entries from other characters in other places of the Pokemon world?

I like this a lot! I want to see more, similar sorts of work.
 
Re: Rings: Diary of a Team Galactic Adminstrator

That's always a possibility! Sometimes, I'm just pulled to write something, even if it's less than a page long, like this.
 
Re: Rings: Diary of a Team Galactic Adminstrator

Good job. Very well done catching Saturn's character.
 
Re: Rings: Diary of a Team Galactic Adminstrator

Thanks, RG!
 
Re: Rings: Diary of a Team Galactic Adminstrator

You do realize that now, if you have that Pokemon fanfiction from when you were 10, you have to post it.
 
Re: Rings: Diary of a Team Galactic Adminstrator

You do realize that now, if you have that Pokemon fanfiction from when you were 10, you have to post it.

I don't. It was in an old journal, and I have no idea where this journal is now.
 
Re: Rings: Diary of a Team Galactic Adminstrator

Thanks! I did have an idea earlier today, although I don't really know when I'll write it.
 
Hmm. I was with you until Cyrus beat Luxray. We're talking about a guy who abhors violence to the point where he's willing to eliminate all emotion to get rid of it anywhere it happens. Certainly it'd be reasonable to assume that he himself has a violent streak, but he's also repressed to an insane degree. I think it'd be more in character if he *started* to hit it but then stopped himself.

It was really jarring, given the lengths he goes to to eliminate things just like that.
 
It was really jarring, given the lengths he goes to to eliminate things just like that.

I imagine that it's also a measure of irony that he does that. He purports to abhor violence, but he's willing to resort to violence to rid the world of it. It's a bit like using technology to defeat technology, or using capitalism to rid the world of capitalism. It never seems to work.

And that comment will remain while I try to rate this fic for the awards.

Grammar, style, and flow: 6/10

You manage to make the fic go by without any hitches - except for a few parts:

Once out of earshot, Cyrus found his Luxray outside of its Poké Ball, and promptly beat the Pokémon before returning it.

This part felt a bit rushed - it didn't stop for long enough to really express Saturn's feelings about the whole thing. It's just... mentioned, like something that happens in passing.

Overall rating: 55/100

Being a one-shot, sometimes there aren't any specific things that I can pick on - this would be one of those fics, where nothing is expressed by itself, but they just all go together in a bunch.

I'm not really sure this functions that well as a story - it seems, and reads, more like an essay or even a poem than a narrative.

While that isn't a bad thing in itself, for the purposes of being a fanfic, it can be a bit of a problem.

In terms of being a work of literature in general, though, the rating would be much better.
 
Please note: The thread is from 16 years ago.
Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
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