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Ryan and Josephs Journey

Shiny Umbreon

Shiny Umbreon

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Episode: 1
The Story Beginns

Once there was a boy name Ryan and a boy name Joseph . They are best friend living in Sinnoh Ryan lived in TwinLeaf Town and Joseph lived in Sandgen Town. They were a short route away from each other. They loved to hang out with each other. They both had Eevees and they were both on their way to becoming pokemon masters but lets look at the very begining when they were 8 years old. Ryan was out on route 201 and was sitting there looking for a wild pokemon because he always wanted a pokemon before and the Proffesor(Proffessor Rowan) asked him are you researching pokemon? Ryan, No I just like watching them because I dont have one of my own, I have always wanted one though. Proffessor Rowan, You know I am a proffessor and I have a spare pokemon you can have. Ryan, Really thank you sooo muuuch!!! Proffessor Rowan, Its a Eevee, here you go. Ryan, Thank you sooo muuuch Proffessor! Proffesor Rowan, No problem at all come by my lab tomorrow and I could teach you about battling with them ok. Ryan,ok Proffessor, Good- Bye. Ryan, Bye! Now that Ryan has his 1st pokemon its Josephs turn to get his. The next night Joseph was on his way to Ryans house to spend the night when a Eevee jumped out and attacked him, she fell to the ground and all of the sudden Ryan came rushing to him and he asked " Are you ok" Joseph, I am. Ryan, Eevee come on out. Eevee use quick attack. The wild Eevee lost half HP and then the wild Eevee used tackle and that did more than half dagamge ot Ryan's Eevee. Ryan, Pokeball go!!! It was quite and then the pokeball went CLICK! Joseph, Thank you Ryan sooooo muuuch!!!!! I am so glad you found me!!! Ryan, I am glad you are ok and here its an Eevee I want you to have a pokemon now. Katie, Thank you! Is it a boy or a girl? Ryan, Its a boy, now lets go back to my house and have some fun with are pokemon. Joseph, Ok.


To Be Continued
 
wtf i can't where are the quotation marks and spaces? i can't read this fic without them.
 
I'm tempted to call trollfic again, having seen two of them now.

First of all, it's all one wall of text. Nobody likes reading that. Space out your writing in paragraphs.

Second of all, you should punctuate your quotes. Right now, you're not doing so.

Third of all, your plot is jumping. You're not giving enough description for anything, opting instead to have just a summary of the events. There's a time and place to be terse. Fanfic is (normally, anyway) not one of them.
 
I knew it!
You're that guy who wrote "Ryan and Katie's Journey" in the Fan fic Archive!
All you did was copy, paste and change the title! All the same problems are there. Heck, the name Katie is still there!
Wow, man. I mean -no offence- but it would have been better if you left it be, it isn't good.
 
Guys, I don't see a reason we should keep pointing at random badfics and call troll. I mean, what if it isn't and the author genuinely thinks they're a competent writer? We all know that trolls exaggerate problems beyond the point of sanity, and this just looks like stream-of-consciousness text wall. To be perfectly honest, I have seen worse.

If I end up being wrong and this is a trollfic, I have one thing to say: KARMA!
 
^

This is genuinely something that would be written by any fan of the Pokemon series who had no experience writing before. You guys might be jumping the gun a little bit...

And if I'm wrong, let that bullet hit me.
 
Shiny Umbreon said:
Episode: 1
The Story Beginns

Once there was a boy name Ryan and a boy name Joseph . They are best friend living in Sinnoh. Ryan lived in TwinLeaf Town and Joseph lived in Sandgem Town. They were a short route away from each other. They loved to hang out with eachother. They both had Eevees and they were both on their way to becoming pokemon masters, but let's look at the very begining when they were 10 years old.

Ryan was out on route 201 and was sitting there looking for a wild pokemon because he always wanted a pokemon. Proffesor(Proffessor Rowan) asked him," are you researching pokemon?"

Ryan said," No I just like watching them because I dont have one of my own,but I have always wanted one though".

Proffessor Rowan," You know, I am a proffessor and I have a spare pokemon you can have.

Ryan said," Really, thank you sooo muuuch!!!

Proffessor Rowan said, Its an Eevee, here you go," Profeser rowen said as he handed Ryan an eeveee.

Ryan said, Thank you so much Proffessor!

Proffesor Rowan said," No problem at all, come by my lab tomorrow and I could teach you about battling with them ok?"

Ryan said," ok Proffessor, Good- Bye."

"Ryan, Bye!" the proffeser said. Now that Ryan has his first pokemon its Josephs turn to get his.

The next night Joseph was on his way to Ryans house to spend the night when an Eevee jumped out and attacked him. She fell to the ground and all of the sudden Ryan came rushing to him and he asked " Are you ok?"

Joseph answered," I am.

Ryan excalimed, Eevee come on out. Eevee use quick attack."

The wild Eevee lost half HP and then the wild Eevee used tackle and that did more than half dagamge ot Ryan's Eevee. Ryan yelled," Pokeball go!" It was quiet and then the pokeball went CLICK!

Joseph said," Thank you Ryan so much. I am so glad you found me!"

Ryan said, I am glad you are ok and here its an Eevee I want you to have a pokemon now."

Joseph answered," Thank you! Is it a boy or a girl?"

Ryan answered, It's a boy, now lets go back to my house and have some fun with are pokemon."

Joseph said," Ok."


To Be Continued
Click to expand...


Ok, i dont like to be rude, but that was terrible. and if i didnt read the above comments, i wouldve thought you made joseph turn into Katioe. Now, read my version of your story and then yours. Everything bolded is wrong. For an example of a story, read my fic rise of heroes or Thabets fic. If you want an execellent fic, look at legacys or gastly momas fic.
 
Episode: 1
The Story Beginns

Once there was a boy name Ryan and a tomboy name Katie. They are best friend living in Sinnoh Ryan lived in TwinLeaf Town and Katie lived in Sandgen Town. They were a short route away from each other. They loved to hang out with each other. They are not boy friend and girl friend, they are just friends. They both had Eevees and they were both on their way to becomin gpokemon masters but lets look at the very beggining when they wer 8 years old. Ryan was out on route 201 and was sitting there looking for a wild pokemon because he always wanted a pokemon before and the Proffesor(Proffessor Rowan) asked him are you researching pokemon? Ryan, No I just like watching them because I dont have one of my own, I have always wanted one though. Proffessor Rowan, You know I am a proffessor and I have a spare pokemon you can have. Ryan, Really thank you sooo muuuch!!! Proffessor Rowan, Its a Eevee, here you go. Ryan, Thank you sooo muuuch Proffessor! Proffesor Rowan, No problem at all come by my lab tomorrow and I could teach you about battling with them ok. Ryan, Ok I will thank you. Proffessor, Good- Bye. Ryan, Bye! Now that Ryan has his 1st pokemon its Katies turn to get her's. The next night Katie was on her way to Ryans house to spend the night when a Eevee jumped out and attacked her, she fell to the ground and all of the sudden Ryan came rushing to her and he asked " Are you ok" Katie, I am. Ryan, Eevee come on out. Eevee use quick attack. The wild Eevee lost half HP and then the wild Eevee used tackle and that did more than half dagamge ot Ryan's Eevee. Ryan, Pokeball go!!! It was quite and then the pokeball went CLICK! Katie, Thank you Ryan sooooo muuuch!!!!! I am so glad you found me!!! Ryan, I am glad you are ok and here its an Eevee I want you to have a pokemon now. Katie, Thank you! Is it a boy or a girl? Ryan, Its a girl I can tell, now lets go back to my house and have some fun with are pokemon. Katie, Ok.


To Be Continued
________________________________________________________________
This was written by the author, from "Ryan and Katie's Journey" in the Fan fic archive.
Compare this to the above story and see what I mean!
They are exactly the same. Joseph IS Katie he just changed the name.
 
Since this fic is eerily similar to "Ryan and Katie's Pokemon Journey", I think I'll post the same reply I made to that, with a few changes.

Onto the grammatical aspects:
Quotation marks are key here. You only use them a couple of times in your story, yet you have a lot more dialogue. Also, it's a good idea to start a new paragraph each time a new person speaks, to prevent the readers from having to read a large block of text.
For instance:
Shiny Umbreon said:
No I just like watching them because I dont have one of my own, I have always wanted one though. Proffessor Rowan, You know I am a proffessor and I have a spare pokemon you can have. Ryan, Really thank you sooo muuuch!!! Proffessor Rowan, Its a Eevee, here you go. Ryan, Thank you sooo muuuch Proffessor! Proffesor Rowan, No problem at all come by my lab tomorrow and I could teach you about battling with them ok. Ryan, Ok I will thank you. Proffessor, Good- Bye. Ryan, Bye!
Click to expand...
See, you can't really tell who is talking. However, if you made it more like this (changes in bold):
"No," Ryan replied sadly, "I just like watching them because I don't have one of my own. I have always wanted one though."

"You know," Professor Rowan said, "I am a professor and I have a spare Pokemon you can have!"

"Really?" asked Ryan, elated. "Thank you so much!"

"It's an Eevee!" said the Professor, handing him a Pokeball. (this brought up some confusion for me. Does the Professor just carry spare Eevee's around with him all day?)

"Thank you so much Professor!" Ryan said, excited.

"No problem at all! Come by my lab tomorrow and I could teach you about battling with them!" Professor Rowan said.

"Okay, I will. Thank you!" Ryan said, more excited about his new Pokemon than anything else (you do realize that at this point, he's thanked the man three times in a row? He may be very polite and excited for his Eevee, but surely he's thought of something else to say?)

"Well, goodbye for now!" said the Professor jubilantly.

"Goodbye!" cried Ryan.

In short, this story is a bit cliche. Boy and friend get Pokemon, travel in region, try to become champion, and ultimately do so, possibly facing each other in the process. (I'm assuming one Eevee becomes an Umbreon and the other becomes and Espeon?) Although you could get somewhere with this plot (perhaps a spin off of Pokemon Colosseum story, which hasn't been around; however, these guys live in Sinnoh, so I doubt that's possible). Also, you might want to make the chapters a bit longer and with more detail. What do your characters look like? What do the Eevee look like? Assume that the reader knows nothing about Pokemon and paint us a picture so that we can see what is going on.

It's identical to "Ryan and Katie's Pokemon Journey" in the archive, as many others have already said, with the exception that you've changes most of the "Katie"s to Josephs, except for the Katie that randomly appears in the last line. But, I don't think it's a troll. (if it is, I'll take the blame with White Len)
 
Really, I only said I was tempted to call trollfic. I didn't actually call it.... >_>

If I had actually called trollfic, I wouldn't have posted constructive comments.
 
Please note: The thread is from 15 years ago.
Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
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