Shadow of The World PG-13

[Slenderman]

So, I got this Idea out of nowhere the other day and I thought "That would be a great idea for a fanfic!" This is basically just a prologue telling you who the characters are, where it takes place, all of that good stuff.

This stroy is about an evil form of Acreus which comes from the REAL Arceus that somehow got infected with a pandemic disease that both humans and pokemon can get. This disease turns whatever it infects into a being of pure evil, and for some reason it made a copy of arceus, so now there are two. (I didn't play XD so I'm not sure if that's how the shadow pokemon worked or not)

There is only one main character in the beginning and the story kind of starts in the middle. The main character's name is David. David is 13 years old, grew up in Veilstone City, and was one of the gym trainers. That's all I'm gonna post until I post the first chapter. I hope you'll like it! (Oh, yeah the story takes place 20 years from present time.)

Prologue: (narrated by David)
It all started 5 years ago... I was just 8 years old when the disease hit. Somehow me and my dad had stayed uninfected for two years, but we had lost my sister and mom. When i turned 10 my dad took me to get my own pokemon. I had 10 to choose from, but I chose buizel.

On the way back home my dad got infected. I had to fight him with my new pokemon to get away. When I got back to veilstone the only safe place I could find was the gym. Mayleene let my live there and even let me become a gym trainer. 2 years after that I was the only one left in the gym. It seemed like every time I went outside I was attacked. I managed to get in the department store to get supplies. I got a hoverboard and a shotgun. I've discovered I'm immune to this disease, but unfortunetly my pokemon aren't. I have to live. I have to find a cure. I have to succeed.

(Not a prologue) So that's it! I've never written a fanfic before so tell me what you think!


Chapters
Chapter One

 

[Aladar]

Dude, the rules state that the first post of a fic's thread must contain either the first chap or the prologue. Or both. So unless you want some mod closing it, you better act fast.

 

[Slenderman]

Dude, the rules state that the first post of a fic's thread must contain either the first chap or the prologue. Or both. So unless you want some mod closing it, you better act fast.

This IS the prologue.

 

[Aladar]

No, a prologue is something like a chapter, that takes place either before the main story starts or in the same time period at a different place and show's stuff happening to hook you. Yours is a fic summary.

 

[Slenderman]

Ok, I added a prologue basically telling people what's going on and giving people information on what happened before the start of the story.

 

[Slenderman]

I know it's a little early but I already knew what I was gonna write.

CHAPTER ONE​

"Ugh... I didn't get any sleep at all last night" David said. "I need to get a safer place to stay." BANG!!! "What the? What was that?" David walked out of the small room in the back of the gym. When he entered the battle room he naticed there was a gaping hole in the floor. He quickly dashed into the bedroom to get his pokeballs and his shotun. When he got back there was a purple gas coming from the hole. David braced himself and grasped his gun harder. All of the sudden a several black figures surrounded by the strange purple gas flew out and attacked David!

Without even aiming David fired his gun several times. The shots slammed 3 of the creatures against the wall and they disappeared. The 5 remaining creatures went up through the cieling and were gone. "Whew that was close!" Exlaimed David. "Alright. I guess we should repair this hole." "Come on out, Lucario!" David chucked a pokeball high in the air. I opened with a bright flash of light. "Ok, Lucario. We have to repair this hole." "Will you go get some wood from the storage room?" Lucario replied with a grunt.

David went to go check the big hole. When he got closer he realized that it wasn't even a hole! He noticed there was a slight breeze blowing into the hole. Lucario came back in the room with several long pieces of woods in his arms. When he got closer to the black "spot" on the floor he dropped the woods and growled. "I don't think this is good" David said nervously. "We better get out of here, Lucario!" Lucario nodded and gave a grunt. "Lucario, return!" David yelled.

David bursted out of the door to the gym on his hoverboard which he had modified to go extremeley fast. There were the same black creatures scatered all over the city. Hundreds of them flew up and started chasing after David. "Hm. Looks like they wanna race!" David smiled and made his board go faster.

Soon David was out of the city and zooming over trees. Most of the black creatures were still behind him. "GO, HONCHKROW!!!" David screamed. The dusk ball david was holding in his hand opened with a dark light. "Honchkrow use dark pulse!" Honchkrow charged for a few seconds then stoped and unleashed a huge, dark shockwave. It hit all of the creatures which caused them to let out a "scream" and then dissapear.

David and Honchkrow landed in a clearing in the woods. "Great job, Honchkrow! You deserve a rest" David held out the dusk ball. A red beam shot out of it, surrounded Honkrow, and then drew it back in the ball. "Well, I guess I'll set up camp here".


That's all for charter one! Leave replies and let me know what you think!

 

[Aladar]

Well, I don't want to be rude or anything, but you have a lot to learn.

First of all, both the prologue and the first chapter are extremely short. They look like you've typed them into the Quick Reply Box. The minum of appropraite chapter leghts is considered at least two pages on Word. Eight pages is considered the average stuff.

The comes the rules of rules in writing: "Show, don't tell." It means to add more description on how certain things happen. Instead of listing how the gym looks like, mention the details gradually as the action happens. You need a lot, lot more and more description. It is the writer's friend.

And your characters and plot are extremely lacking as well. We don't get any description of David. None at all. The prologue, if you can call it one, just talks about an unknown desease and how David's half family died and blah blah blah he gets a shotgun (omg, kewl) and a Lucario (why am I not surprised) and puts him into a zombie apocalypse scenario with Pokemon.

Now, there's a difference between suspense, not telling the readers deliberately what exactly is hapenning and why and who is behind this all. You're just not giving any info at all. What happened to all other people? Where is Maylene now? How did the government let the situation escalate so much? Did it just stay idle for years while people got infected by... whatever that thing is? Does pocket's of survivors exist?

And what are those things chasing the main character? How come there are ghost zombies flying around if a disease is the main problem? What the f**k is hapenning at all?!

Oh, nearly forgot. He has a hoverboard. And he can upgrade it? Kewl. Not.

My advice is read. Read a lot of books and fanfics and stuff. See how it's done. I'll probably do read the next chap or two, but just to see if you're at least trying to improve.

 

[Kantomasta]

Aladar said the same thing to me. If u are using word perfect, 2 pages on there is good on here.

 

[Slenderman]

Well, I don't want to be rude or anything, but you have a lot to learn.

First of all, both the prologue and the first chapter are extremely short. They look like you've typed them into the Quick Reply Box. The minum of appropraite chapter leghts is considered at least two pages on Word. Eight pages is considered the average stuff.

The comes the rules of rules in writing: "Show, don't tell." It means to add more description on how certain things happen. Instead of listing how the gym looks like, mention the details gradually as the action happens. You need a lot, lot more and more description. It is the writer's friend.

And your characters and plot are extremely lacking as well. We don't get any description of David. None at all. The prologue, if you can call it one, just talks about an unknown desease and how David's half family died and blah blah blah he gets a shotgun (omg, kewl) and a Lucario (why am I not surprised) and puts him into a zombie apocalypse scenario with Pokemon.

Now, there's a difference between suspense, not telling the readers deliberately what exactly is hapenning and why and who is behind this all. You're just not giving any info at all. What happened to all other people? Where is Maylene now? How did the government let the situation escalate so much? Did it just stay idle for years while people got infected by... whatever that thing is? Does pocket's of survivors exist?

And what are those things chasing the main character? How come there are ghost zombies flying around if a disease is the main problem? What the f**k is hapenning at all?!

Oh, nearly forgot. He has a hoverboard. And he can upgrade it? Kewl. Not.

My advice is read. Read a lot of books and fanfics and stuff. See how it's done. I'll probably do read the next chap or two, but just to see if you're at least trying to improve.

Damn. I never thought it had to be so long. No, I didn't type in in the quick response box. Yeah, I guess I did leave out some detail in the story. And yes, those are ghost-thingies. It's what happens to the people when they get the disease. You see, I watched to movie I Am Legend the other day, and I thought I could probably change it around a little bit. As I can see by what you wrote I failed epicly. :sweatlol:

Ok, so you wanted to know what David looks like. David looks basically like a 13 year old Riley. That's how I thought of him. And as for Maylene, she got the disease. David is the only normal person left in veilstone. He's immune. It takes place in the future so that's why he has the hoverboard thingy. That part wasn't my idea. That was my friend's. I just thought Ok whatever and went along with it. In the next chapter (I'll try to make it better) I'll give more details.

 

[SSJ3_Raditz]

Just noticed this fic. I find the title quite good, but it all goes downhill from there.

I find that this fic quite lacking. One, David seems too awesome to be 13...he has a hoverboard and a shotgun, which I doubt a 13-year old could possibly have. Sounds a lot like a Mary Sue-ish

Two, it lacks description; what does David look like? What happened to everyone? If you're planning to introduce the backstory as you progress through the fic, then go on.

Three, you should put the premise of the story INSIDE the fanfic, not in its summary. You say that a mysterious disease that infected Arceus spread throughout the world, but you put it in the summary. Not in the fanfic.


While I can't see anything else that's bad in this fic, I can't see anything else that's good in this fic, either. Maybe the spelling, yes, but that's only a small part of the battle. You need to make sure your fic looks good, sounds good, and is good. The summary doesn't reference anything in the first chapter at all...just a bunch of ghosts that are attacking David.

Try reading some other fics before making your own. You can get ideas on how to make your story better. I for one recommend Legacy's fanfiction "The Power Inside", one of the best fanfics I've(and probably some other people) ever read on Bulbagarden. His fic has lots of description and great prose. Try getting some ideas from it(in the manner of writing, not in story).

Oh, and I saw your profile: You're one year older than me. You should try taking some time in English class.