Shellshock! The Squirtle Story.

[JohtoMotto]

First Fanfic yay! :shy: Please only give constructive criticism as it is my first but before we get into the story i would like to clear up that Justin Adams is NOT me. None of these characters are based on real people. So lets get the story going!


It was a hot summers day, Poliwag were splashing about in the pond, when all of a sudden *BANG*, gunshot.
I was five when my mum died,the only thing i can remember is that horrid day 10 years ago, it cut my spirits in half.
That was the day became an orphan as my dad was away fighting a war in the region of Johto, it had become a battlezone ever since "it" was captured.

Hi, my name is Justin Adams & as you already know I am an orphan.
I got adopted by a nice old widower named Belinda Cross
I am currently living in the Hoenn Region in a town called Swellow Falls. I am not a special kid, I am just as average as every other fifteen year old kid, except for one thing.
I go everywhere with an egg that I obtained from my father before he went to war, he told me that it will hatch into a very rare pokemon known as Squirtle.

"Justin you dick!"Go play with your egg gayboy!" yelled the bullies as they harrased me. "Please im just trying to get to school". I pleaded with them to leave me alone. "If we can't hurt you i guess we will just smash that egg of yours!" The bullies swiftly grabbed my bag & pulled out the egg. "Hey that's mine! Please give it back..." I said sorrowfully as I collapsed to the ground. "Aww look, he's crying! How pathetic, A grown boy crying over some egg, I guess you wont care if we smash it!"
"No please don't!" I yelled as the bullies friends held me down.
I struggled & kicked but it was not use.
"Say bye bye to your little egg!" The bully went to chuck it but just as he did it started shaking & cracking.
"Huh? What's happening?" I said in a daze. A few seconds later the egg hatched & out popped a blue turtle.
SQUIRTLE!!!! The young turtle screamed at the bullies while letting out a straight line of bubbles.
"Argh! These bubbles hurt!" "Lets get out of here!" The bullies ran away in a hurry.
I went up to the little water type pokemon & said. "What's your name little friend?"
Squirtle! It cried at the heavens. "Well im going to call you Shellshock." "You know what? I think this is the start of a wonderful friendship."


Any thoughts?

 

[JohtoMotto]

Aww well this is depressing oh well time to start chapter 2 Sorry for double posting

Chapter Two! The Disease!
I went home straight away to show my mother Shellshock." What are you doing back here son? You should be back at scho... Before she could finish here sentence I open up my schoolbag & picked up Shellshock.
SQUIRTLE! It screamed at the top of it's lungs. " Oh the egg hatched did it? Well I guess it's time to show you these pictures." She went over to the cupboard & got an old shoebox. "This is your father & his starting pokemon Squirtle, he had Squirtle ever since I met him back in High School." I closely examined the picture & immediatly noticed that his squirtle was different to his fathers. His squirtle had a little purple patch right near his tail, while his father's Squirtle did'nt. "Hey mom, what is this purple spot under Squirtles tail?" "Oh I have no idea why don't you take him next door? Remember Professor Mark is just as big a pokemon freak as Birch." So I went next door just as my mother told me & the Mark was not home. I talked to his little sister & she told me he went to littleroot town, two towns away. My mother told me that I should go & pursue Professor Mark, so I packed up my things got Shellshock & went away on our journey.
End Of Chapter Two

 

[Kantomasta]

okay, this dosent make since

1. longer chaps needed

2.more detail

3. didnt his mom die 5 years ago and now she was suddenly at home?

 

[JohtoMotto]

okay, this dosent make since

1. longer chaps needed

2.more detail

3. didnt his mom die 5 years ago and now she was suddenly at home?

Ok explanations

1. I am making longer chaps when the story gets more indebt

2. Same as above

3. It's his Foster Mother i forgot to add that in the explanation but it's in there now

 

[Kantomasta]

okey, that makes more sense

 

[Marik]

Thist story is somewhere between great and terrible. I really can't pick one or the other yet.

 

[Jabberjaw]

The fact that you are here and that you are trying says volumes. I have some tips.

1) Try to separate your lines more. Nobody really wants to read one large paragraph.

2) More detail. Explain little things. And make sure everything you are writing about makes sense. For example, make sure your character has a REASON for what they are doing. Characters need motivation.

3) Make sure the story you are telling is a story that you yourself would read. Read through it objectively and ask yourself, "is this a story that needs to be told?". If yes, you are doing a fantastic job. A story you yourself believe in... well... that makes it special.

4) Brainstorm. Come up with good ideas and events that will happen to the main character. Make them exciting enough to read, but believable enough to suck the reader into your story.

5) Check out my fic below. I think it's pretty good so far. I believe in what I am writing and like I said... that's what makes it special.

 

[Legacy]

Nice start, but yeah the story needs a bit more meat on its bones. More detail and content overall. Good concept though. Also, the title is a little cheesy, but it works. Anyways, good start. I'll be reading.

 

[Zekurom]

Your chapters are a bit too short.

Try including more description of events in the story. Always answer the "how" instead of the "what". (Of course, don't delve too deep into that, you don't need to give us the details of exactly where each bubble hit the bully's face.)

So for example:

It was a hot summers day, Poliwag were splashing about in the pond, when all of a sudden *BANG*, gunshot.
I was five when my mum died,the only thing i can remember is that horrid day 10 years ago, it cut my spirits in half.

You just say "bang, gunshot, ten years later". The events seem random and disconnected. Adding description would connect these events better.

Also, space your paragraphs more than once. It's easier to read that way.

Thirdly, check your spelling and punctuation. There were a few errors here and there.

 

[Ultra Pidgeot]

Definitely needs work. It has potential, and if the chapters are lengthened and the spacing is fixed, it could be pretty good.

 

[JohtoMotto]

Thank you for your thoughts Now Onward to Chapter Three!
I already wrote it but it got deleted when i picked the wrong button

Chapter Three! Moveset Mayhem!

So we were off, off on a journey that would change our lives forever... I just wish I had packed my bike. "Well Shellshock it's time to start our journey, Im sorry that I don't have a pokeball to put you in but I will get one as soon as we get to the Pokemart." Squirtle did'nt seem to pay any attention, he was sniffing the area like a Tailow looking for food.
We eventually got to the Pokemart near the Safari Zone when *BANG* A pokemon attacked me.

When I regained consciousness I saw a pokemon attacking Shellshock. There was also a trainer yelling commands to the pokemon. "Cranidos! Use Stealth Rock!" The pokemon closed it's eyes & then roared,with that roar the nearby Gravler & Geodude flew off the mountain & surrounded Shellshock. "Shellshock use... before I could finish Shellshock started to spin, it spun faster & faster & faster creating a Whirlwind & then threw the pokemon at Cranidos.

The Cranidos was very injured when Squirtle let out a breath of pure fire, It was flamthrower! " What the Muk?" The pokemon screamed & fell down but suprisingly got back up. " I don't know what your doing kid, but it's not funny! Prepare to lose & fork up that cash! Cranidos! Earthquake!" The groun started to shake when Shellshock suddenly started to float! It was using Magnet Rise! Shellshock then started glowing orange, it had one thing on it's mind, protecting it's trainer. Cranidos stopped attacking & looked up in awe, so did his trainer. Before the trainer could get a word out Shellshock swiftly moved up & punched Cranidos on it's head, It cracked!

"OH NO!!!!" The trainer yelled & screamed than ran off to the pokemon center. I went into the Pokemart & the clerk yelled. " THAT WAS AMAZING! You have one special pokemon kid." I thanked him, bought my wares & went back out on my journey. I then knew Shellshock was no ordinary pokemon.

End Of Chapter Three!

Go any better there?

 

[Marik]

Flamethrower? Whirlwind (although here I'm fairly sure you meant Rapid Spin)? Magnet Rise? Wow, that Squirtle really is different. Moving on...

So why did the trainer attack Justin? What was his motivation? The storyline is good, but it needs more meat on its bones.

 

[Kavidun]

Ok... this story is ODD. And you are still suffering with detail, and it's disconnected. It goes, Move Move Move with no explanation on it's effects.

 

[Thundagere]

...I really can't say much.
You chapters need to be quite a bite longer, and the grammar needs work. Put some more emotion into the story! Explain each character fully and thoroughly--that's what makes a story firm. With a little work, this story could have quite a bit of potential!

 

[JohtoMotto]

Chapter Four will be up soon ok
Articuno- I added that he was after money- "Prepare to lose & Fork over that cash!" That was his motivation
Chao-der- I tried to explain the moves as best as possible
Moves Used
Rapid Spin
Flamethrower
Magnet Rise
Focus Punch
Magnus Prime- I made this chapter longer but I just wanted the battle for this chapter, Im starting to re read it after I post a chapter, I was'nt going to explain the trainer because Justin does'nt get a good look at him as he just woke up after being knocked out.

Now Onward To Sunset City!

Chapter Four! Playing With Fire!
Me & Shellshock had just arrived in Sunset City when we ran into A helpful trainer, he was off on the Gym Leader challenge. His name was Christan Wells, he had green eyes & brown hair & a very bubbly personality. " Hey your new to town right?" " Yes me & Squirtle are going to littleroot town." " Well if it's not to much trouble can I trouble you to a pokemon battle?" There was no need for words after that. Our faces said everything we were ready for battle.

He sent out a Raichu while I sent out squirtle. Squirtle started it off with a strange attack, he ran & ran & ran around Raichu making it dizzy then he made a bunch of clones that also ran around Raichu. Raichu was very dizzy & eventually fell over, I then gave Squirtle his final command. " Squirtles! Bubblebeam!" All the Squirtles stopped running around & then took in a deep breath. " Raichu! Shock Wave!" Raichu got straight back up & shot a beam off straight electricity at the squirtle with a purple splotch, Shellshock then fell straight over & I realized the battle was over.

"Hey great battle! I thought Raichu was done for!" He had a gigantic grin on his face. "A little advice for you, you should always have some back up pokemon there if your front runner faints. May I suggest a Ponyta? There is a large herd just south of here." "Thank you for the idea, lets go!" We left to go see the Ponyta & there was one particular pokemon I had in mind of catching, it was a beautiful blue Ponyta. Squirtle understood that I wanted it & he shot a straight beam of ice at it, it froze! I quickly chucked a Poke Ball at it *beep* *beep* *bing*! "Hurray! I caught a Ponyta!" " Good Job! It's getting late, we should go back to town & get a good sleep." So we rode home on Ponyta who quickly unfroze in her ball.
Christan let me stay in his room at the local motel. " Goodnight Justin." "Goodnight Christan." We fell asleep quickly wondering what journeys were to come.

End Of Chapter Four!

Im not happy with how this turned out, it would have been longer but it was cut short due to my football training.

 

[alster08]

There are a lkot of flaws through out the story. It needs a lot of work before it starts getting to being great. First Longer chapters definitly. Next you need to have lots more detail. Im afraid I cant call it great yet. Sorry and I hope you improve, im sure you will.

 

[JohtoMotto]

There are a lkot of flaws through out the story. It needs a lot of work before it starts getting to being great. First Longer chapters definitly. Next you need to have lots more detail. Im afraid I cant call it great yet. Sorry and I hope you improve, im sure you will.

Like I said it was cut short due to football training
Chapter 5 Will be up soon

 

[Ultra Pidgeot]

How canst thou ride yon Ponyta whilst it be in yon Pokeball?

 

[JohtoMotto]

How canst thou ride yon Ponyta whilst it be in yon Pokeball?

wut?? It defrosted in the pokeball & then he got it out of the pokeball:sweat:

Anyway.... Chapter 5!

Chapter Five! A Rival Surfaces!

I awoke in a daze, this new environment had spaced out my mind. I looked over & Christan was'nt there, I heard water running so I guessed he was in the shower... wait water? Why is my bed wet? I was still dazed from my sleep but when I looked up I was certain. I WET THE BED!!!!

I rushed out of bed & wondered how to cover up my embarressment, I peered out the window shyly when I heard a familiar voice. " Have any unsuspected suprises lately?".

I turned around & saw Christan there with a massive grin on his face. He was wearing a black polo shirt, grey long pants & the brand new Nike's. " Did you have anything to do with this?" I tried to keep my calm but I was very embarressed. " I would like you to meet another of my pokemon, you did'nt think I only had Raichu for protection did you?" He then proceeded to pull a pokeball out from under his belt. It was no ordianry pokeball, it had a grey appearance & a wind up latch. He undid the latch when.. *ZZZOOUUUU*

Kabo! Kabotops! Kabo!
I was startled to see a large brown pokemon in front of me. It had long scythes that could slice through flesh & bone in a matter of seconds, a rock hard head that looked as if it could break steel & an exoskeleton that looked totally awsome.

"Me & Kabotops snuck out last night, filled a bucket full of water & put your hand in it! You should see your face!"
You should see my face. I was stunned. The most sophisticated kid I had met just pulled the stupidest prank I have ever seen. " Im going for a shower." I slumped away into the shower. " Ok then I will go change the sheets & get us some breakfast! After that you should go ring your foster mum!"

I got out of the shower & changed into my favourite clothes. As soon as I went into the hallway I saw Christan rushing up the halway to meet me for breakfast. He got me my favourite breakfast, A Big Brekkie meal from McDonalds! "How did you know I loved Big Brekkies?" I asked with a look of hunger on my face.

A quick flash as he chucked a pokeball into the room.
Ala, Alaka, Alakazam!
A strange yellow pokemon stood before me. It had a massive head & held spoons in each of it's hands. Suddenly it closed it's eyes & my McDonalds glowed blue, then all of a sudden each food item flew across the room onto the plates I had neatly put on the table.

" Whoa that's strange, who's this?"
He looked at me with that 'you don't know much face'
"This is Alakazam he can read minds. He read your mind then told me what you liked through telekinesis."
One word could escape my mouth, " Wow."
"Enough of that, eat your breakfast before it gets cold!"
So I sat for half an hour listening to Christan talk about his pokemon & the journeys he had from getting them.

As soon as I finished breakfast we rushed to the Pokemon Center to ring my foster mother. I was shocked at what I saw. My house, the house I grew up in was trashed,Graffiti was everywhere & before I thought it could get any worse.
My foster mother, in the corner, covered in blood... I was in shock, who could of done this? Then I heard banging & saw a shadowy figure walk down the stairs.

"Well well well. Looki what we got here Cranidos!"
Dos! Dos!
"Cranidos does not take to kindly to people that hurt him".
I then realized who it was, it was that strange guy who attacked me!
I did'nt get a good look at him on the day of our battle but now he was clear as day.
He had a large build, long ratty blonde hair, the tiniest tuff of fluff on his chin & the thing that stood out the most, his eyes. They were fire engine red.

"You really thought I was going to let you of that easy? Pfft. That was a fluke the other day. You think you will beat me again you are wrong.
Better watch your back. See you at LittleRoot Town 'Justin Adams'.
*bloop* The computer screen went black. I was blinded with rage. There was only one thing on my mind at the moment.

Revenge.

End Of Chapter Five!

 

[Jabberjaw]

Im not happy with how this turned out, it would have been longer but it was cut short due to my football training.

First of all there's nothing wrong with football training, especially Australian football. I do prefer the kind we play here in Texas, but I've seen a bit of AFL on TV when they show it.

Now to your story. With this fic you've shown great improvement between chapter 1 and chapter 5. You're spacing your lines better, your writing better, everything has improved, and everything in all is easier and smoother to read. That being said you still have room for improvement, so keep it up.

One thing, Kabotops is KabUtops.