Tell us your jokes.

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ferrari-kun187

prepared to pwn n00bs
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Think of jokes or share existing jokes.

I got this from my disney cruise '07.

Hades: cruise '07 @ Hercules intermission said:
Why does piglet smell?
Because he was playing with pooh
Click to expand...
 
"If you go down Niagara falls, how do you get back up?"

I came up with this joke in Grade 7 (seriously I did). I can't figure out how to do the "Spoiler" thing, so you guys are going to have to figure out the answer
 
spoiler, here's how to do it. first write "[spoiler ]" (note the space between the r and ] to prevent the spoiler from initiating) write your sentence or pic, then write "[/spoiler ]"
 
Here is a few (mostly sad jokes, but still):

1)How many boards would the Mongols hord is the Mongols hords got bord?

2) Have you heard the joke about the bed? A: Sorry it has not been made up yet

3) A man walks into a bar...ooch!

4) A Lettuce and an Onion walk into a restruant and the waiter at the enterance says "sorry, we do not serve vegetables"
 
Here's one:

There were 3 presidents on an airplane. One has an apple, the second one has an orange, and the third one had a grenade. The first one took a bite out of the apple and threw it out of the plane. The second one did the same as the first one, and the third one used his mouth to take the tag out of the grenade and threw it out. When they landed, they saw a little boy crying. "What's wrong, little boy," they asked. "I got hit in the head with an apple," he replied. "Oh, so sad," they said. Then they saw a little girl crying. "What's wrong, little girl," they asked. "I got hit in the head with an orange," she complained. "Oh, so sad," they said. Then they saw a little boy laughing. "Why are you laughing, little boy," they asked. "I farted and blew up the Whitehouse," he answered.
 
Don't know who made it up, but I first heard it from a drunk Mythbuster:
Kari said:
Q:What's blue and smells like red paint?
A:
Blue paint.
Click to expand...
 
Heres a really bad one:

"Wanna hear a joke?

Woman's rights.'


It's very bad, but it's common here.
 
Here is one, some people may not understand it, if you live in UK or Ireland you might understand it better:

6 men, two English, two Irish, two Scottish and two Welshmen crash their boat onto an island. Some time goes past (around 6 months) and they are still on the island.

The Welshmen is starting a choir, the Scottish men is trying to make a distillary, the English are waiting to be formally introduced and the Irish are still fighting on the beach.
 
How many Irish men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10, 1 to hold the lightbulb, and 9 to drink until the room spins!
Chemistry joke: What do you get when you put together one barium and two sodiums? Banana!
 
Tom leaves on a vacation, leaving Bob to look over the house, which contained his old mother and Tom's cat.

Tom calls Bob.

Tom: "Hi Bob!"

Bob: "Hi Tom!"

Tom: "How's the cat?"

Bob: "She's dead"

Tom: "WHAT!? Well, Bob, you shouldn't have just broke the news to me like that. Perhaps you should have said, 'Well, Fluffy was climbing the roof. I called her and she jumped, but landed in a puddle. She slid in the street and got hit by a car.'

Bob: "Er, OK."

Tom: "So, how's mom?"

Bob: "Well, she was on a roof..."

:spin:
 
I got a lot, but to name a few...

When you pick your nose, you find boogers, when Chuck Norris picks his nose, he finds gold.

Chuck Norris doesn't dodge bullets, bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

French people eat frog legs, Chuck Norris eats lizard legs, hence snakes.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, he promised to never do it again, 1 Grand Canyon is good
enough.

People wear Superman pajamas, Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

If Chuck Norris has $5 and you have $5, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents everytime he buys a song.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.

People check their closets for the Boogeyman, the Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
 
hehe, Chuck Norris rules! Its going to be one sad day when he eventually goes. Here is some more...

When Chuck Norris crosses the road, cars have to look both ways

Chuck Norris can be devided by Zero

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday"

If Chuck Norris only had one eye and was paralyzed from the waste down, he would use his tongue for a roundhouse lick!

Chuck Norris does not fight cavities, they are too scared to form in his teeth

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".

Fear runs away from Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma

Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever.
 
Two blondes were reading the newspaper and saw a headline that read: Two Brazilian soldiers wounded. One blonde looked at the other and said, "How many is a Brazilian?"

______________________________


Bob and his friend Joe were talking one day when Bob brought up the fact that he was having trouble remembering things lately and just generally didn't feel as smart as he used to be. Joe suggested that he take some night courses at the university to improve his mind. Bob liked the idea, so he went to see a professor to get course suggestions.

"Well," said the professor, once they had met, "I've looked over your file, and I suggest you take three courses: Mathematics, Physics, and Logic."

"Logic...what's that?" asked Bob.

"Well, let me give you an example," said the professor. "Do you own a lawn mower?"

"Yeah, I do," said Bob.

"Well, because you own a lawn mower, I would deduce that you have a lawn. And because you have a lawn, I would assume that you own a house. Would that be correct?"

"Yeah, all of that's right," said Bob.

"OK, because you own a house, I would further conclude that you have a wife. Is that right?"

"Yep, married for 20 years," said Bob.

"Very good, so because you have a wife, I would further conclude that you are heterosexual and not homosexual, right?"

"Yep, that's right."

"So you see? All you told me was that you own a lawn mower, and from that, I deduced that you are heterosexual. That is logic. Do you like it?"

Bob came away from the interview quite impressed with what he'd learned. Later, when he was talking to Joe again, Joe asked how the interview had went.

"Well," said Bob, "he wants me to take three courses: Mathematics, Physics, and Logic."

"Well I'm familiar with the first two, but Logic...what's that?" asked Joe.

"Let me give you an example," said Bob, remembering what the professor had told him. "Do you own a lawn mower?"

"No, I do not," replied Joe.

Bob's mouth dropped open in disbelief. After a moment of stunned silence, Bob exclaimed, "That means you're gay!"
 
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A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender brings the drink and says, 'For you, no charge.'
 
two priests walk into a bar and say hey did you ever hear the one about us
 
Surgeons are deciding on whether to operate on librarians or mechanics. They like mechanics because the inside is color coded, they also like the librarian because their inside is alphabetical order. but one surgeon said he didn't like to operate on either, he likes to operate on politicians because there is nothing inside and their heads and a**es are interchangeable.
 
Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life.
There are no steroids in baseball. There are only players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

In order to improve its public image, NASA decides to send three civilians into outer space. After a large public lottery, the three winners are announced: A red head, a brunette and a blonde. Since the redhead was the first winner, she gets the first trip. The scientists at NASA ask her where she wants to go and the red head replies, "Venus, since it's associated with the goddess of love." So they send her on a trip to Venus. Next is the brunette. When asked where she'd like to explore, she replies, "Jupiter, since it's the largest planet in our solar system." So the brunette is sent to Jupiter. Finally, it's the blonde's turn. So the guys at NASA ask where she would like to go. After a few moments the blonde replies, "The sun." Everyone's jaw drops. "Are you kidding?!" the head scientist screams. "It's too hot! You'll burn up!" To which the blonde replies, "Well, duh! That's why I'll go at night!"
 
Barb said:
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender brings the drink and says, 'For you, no charge.'
Click to expand...

XDD Lolz!

I don't have any jokes that aren't offensive or that no one's heard. . =(
 
Here's a seasonal one:

Many many years ago, Santa was having a horrible Christmas. Two of the reindeer had run off to give birth, the elves were on strike and Mrs. Claus was in a terrible mood. Just as it seemed things couldn't get any worse, there was knock at the front door. So Santa opens the door and sees a tiny angel about a foot high dragging a Christmas tree towards him. Before Santa could say anything, the angel says, "So where do you want this tree fat@$$?"

That was the moment Santa snapped.
And that's how the tradition of placing an angel on top of the Christmas tree began.
(Terrible, I know.)
 
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