The Ares Party (Chapter 5 UP!)

[Bullfinch]

Alright, so, some of you may have heard about this on my blog. This is what I hope will be a long fan fiction piece about The Ares Party, a group of Pokémon who started a revolution. TAP takes place from the year 2002 to 2037. In this universe, Pokémon were treated as slaves were in our own world, used as everything from cooks and workers to entertainment in a fighting ring called The Pits. Basically, over time, Pokémon developed enlarged brains and IQ points, slowly surpassing our own intelligence. In the year 2001, a young Gastly by the name of Richard Leonite was born, marking the beginning of a life that would change the pecking order for the entirety of Earth. And now, our story begins...

Disclaimers, Acknowledgements, TAP Dictionary & Chapter Links

Spoiler

Disclaimers:
• Rated NC-17 for cursing, brutality, disturbing themes including slavery and abuse by slave owners, war and miniscule romantic themes.
• The characters opinions in this story do not necessarily reflect my own views.
• This will most likely have a soundtrack to it (as in the titles of every chapter is a song title), so every song I mention is copyrighted to its writers, performers, producers and owners.
• Each chapter will be rather short, as I don't want to bore you all with giant text walls of doom.
• The universe of TAP and my characters are credited to me, while Pokémon is credited, obviously, to Nintendo.

Acknowledgements:
• jilly, for being an awesome friend. ;D
• Bones, for also being amazing. c;
• Ralts, for being a great writer and an even better friend! nwn
• shinything, for working to help bring TAP to life in the metagame. <3

TAP Dictionary:
• Slaved: An enslaved Pokemon; a Pokemon working for a human via enslavement.
• Free: A free Pokemon; a Pokemon that has managed to either escape enslavement or was born in the wild.
• The Pits: An section of underground in every major city reserved for Pokemon fighting, a sport akin to chicken or dog fighting.
• The Sickness: A condition causing both rapidly increasing intelligence and debilitating headaches; the cause is currently unknown.

Chapters:
• Chapter 1 (Evaporated by Ben Folds Five)
• Chapter 2 (True by Konami Kukeiha Club)
• Chapter 3 (Clocks by Coldplay)
• Chapter 4 (Generation by Army of Anyone)
• Chapter 5 (Free Coffee by Ben Folds)

Chapter 1
Evaporated​

In the twilight of morning, Richard yawned, rubbing a wisp of his form over his eyes sleepily. The sun filtered through the bars covering the windows, and he frowned, floating up to one of them and looking out on the fields. His parents had worked here for their whole lives, toiling away under the hot sun to produce grain and vegetables for their slave masters just for the privilege to live on their grounds. Even if the huts were they were housed were small, stuffy, and smelled worse than a carcass, it was better than being dumped on the poverty filled streets. Richard turned at the sound of his father returning from his shift to gather his mother, and he moved to her side on a pallet of ratty blankets in the corner, petting her forehead with a wisp of blue-tinted matter.
"Momma... momma, wake up." The Gengar did no such thing, lying still and cold under his touch. His eyes widened and he felt the common sting of tears enter them. "Momma?" His father chose this moment to enter the hut, and he let out a low wail as the still form of his wife caught his eyes. Richard whipped around, letting a tear trail down his misty form. "Dad, she won't wake up!" His father, a tall Misamagius with warm green eyes, shivered, going to his son's side and using a tentacle of his cloak to move him from Jennifer's side. He sighed shakily, blinking back tears, and lowered his head with a muttered prayer for her soul. Looking back up and turning to his son, he schooled his expression and gave him a half-hearted smile.
"We must move quickly, Richard. The humans will wonder where I am if we do not leave now." Richard's golden eyes darkened with a storm of hatred and despair, and the tiny Gastly nodded, gliding as one with his father as they fled out of the fields like shadows in the night.

Five Years Later

A Haunter flitted in and out of reality over a lone unmarked grave, head bowed and his form quavering every so often with quiet sobs. After a few minutes, he sucked in a breath, lowering a cream and red lily onto the dirt with a determined expression on his grimacing face. "I will change this, dad. Even if it kills me, I will." Richard nodded to himself, backing away from the grave with jerky movements of his crystalline body. He turned and flew to the side of a lone Larvitar, the other escapee's sad smile warming him minutely.
"He was lucky to have you as a son, you know." Richard sighed out a laugh, shaking his head and bringing his hands together to stop them from convulsing.
"No. He wasn't... but thank you for coming, Shu." The Larvitar just nodded, glancing back at the grave one last time before twisting around and heading towards the dark forest surrounding it.
"You coming?" Richard shook himself visibly, nodding and propelling after his comrade.
"What do we know?"
Shu shrugged, moving from two legs to four to avoid getting caught in a patch of thorns. "Not much. Just that from our increasing intelligence, it could either be evolution or man-made." Richard hummed contemplatively, blinking out of sight for a moment to avoid a low-hanging tree branch.
"I wouldn't put it past man's stupidity to actually try and strengthen us, but on this mass scale... it may be natural. However unlikely, we must consider it," he reasoned, a sort of comfort pulsing over him as he spotted their camp in the distance. Shu shrugged, bright blue orbs taking in every plant and tree they came across with frightening speed. He really was perfect as a scout. "I'll mention it to Rachel," he mumbled, eyes sticking on the flickering lamp-light coming from their camp. Rachel had always been a favorite of mine from our makeshift team of runaways, a soft-spoken Scyther with a blinding intelligence and a quick fire temper. The Haunter nodded briefly, drifting faster in an instinctual urge to get back to the humble set of tents he called home. "We have to figure this out before they do, Shu. You know that."

 

[Gama]

Re: The Ares Party

Always start a new line when a new character speaks.

If you're going to capitalise Pokemon names (which personally I like), capitalise all of them. (You didn't capitalise Larvitar)

A little confusion though. Who is Rachel? At first I thought Rachel was Richard's mother and now it is a Scyther? This evolution thing is a little confusing too, but I get that'll be explained.

ANYWAY, I really like the premise. Having a Gastly/Haunter as the main character is a REALLY cool idea. Haunter is one of my favourite Pokemon, much better than Gengar I think.

Larvitar is another cool one. I'm curious as to whether it will evolve though. Pupitar isn't much use to anyone. I'm curious as to whether the team will end up being a Gengar (Richard), a Tyranitar (Shu), a Scizor (Rachel), a Nidoking, a Rapidash and a Dusknoir?


I majorly approve of Richard's mother being a Gengar and his father being a Mismagius - correct game mechanics ftw!


Anyway, I like the idea of this story, I'm hoping you won't go crazy and skip too many years at a time. I'm also hoping you won't rush evolutions.

Whatever though, it's your story, I'm sure you'll make whatever you wanna do work.

 

[Bullfinch]

Re: The Ares Party

I must be really used to writing in book style, I didn't even notice that's what people usually do. lD And the capitilization is changed, thanks for pointing that out! Yes, Rachel is a Scyther whom is part of the main cast, sorry for the confusion. And thank you very much, personally I adore the Gastly line as well. Your curiosity is well placed. c; Heh, thank you! I personally hate it when people have things like a Tyranitar and an Entei as the parents. .w. Thank you for the review, I extremely appreciate it, and the first time-skip will be the last! <3

Chapter 2
True​

"Of course I do," Shu replied, sounding a bit more than offended. Richard raised his hands in a calming manner, smirking softly.
"No need to get so offended." The Larvitar glared at him with a tilt to his head, before sighing and taking off towards their camp. Richard pouted, speeding after the tiny Rock Skin Pokémon with little more than a whisper on the wind. The candles in the few lanterns they had managed to scrounge up flickered brightly, lighting their campsite in an almost eerie fashion, all light and shadows. Rachel, a broad-shouldered Scyther, got up from her spot as lookout and flashed the two a small grin, holding up one scythe to her lips as she warned us not to talk too loud.
"How are you?" Her voice was quiet and tense, but she relaxed when the Haunter replied, his confidence regained.
"Fine. Anything spotted?" Rachel shook her head, crossing her arms and raising an eyebrow at him.
"Do I look like a pushover to you?" Richard and Shu shook their heads no in the same moment, and Rachel stifled a chuckle. "Right. Then, what makes you think that anything I spotted wouldn't have been dead on the ground before you even got here?"
Shu shrugged, blue eyes twinkling as we all sat down, Richard preferring to just float a few centimeters off of the damp forest floor. "I don’t know, maybe it was the distinct lack of a carcass that made us worry?" Richard and he shared a grin, bumping their fists triumphantly. Rachel snorted, the action distinctly unladylike, and licked her lips as she turned her gaze to the tent she and their fourth group member shared.
"Jane's got a headache from the... what is it? Did you figure it out?" Her jade eyes shot back to the two of them, piercing Richard like a bullet with their aching similarity to his father's. He shook himself mentally, frowning.
"No. We do know it's either some sort of natural evolution throughout every species excepting Man, or it's something they created to make us this way."
Rachel grimaced, scraping her scythes together in one of her nervous quirks. "The bastards, I wouldn't put it past them to inadvertently make us stronger while debilitating us half of the time." Shu turned his head to the silent tent where Jane and Rachel slept, letting out a hum under his breath.
"Poor Jane. When did it start?" Rachel shrugged, eyes wandering back over to the tent.
"She collapsed a few minutes after you left. Poor thing couldn't even whimper. It's kind of hard to move a Duskull anywhere, but I managed to get her to her bunk before she blacked out." The female sighed, scratching the back of her neck to try and relieve some of the tension gathered there. "She started shouting things... awful things. About death and the Pits." She closed her eyes with a deep breath, leaning back on the ground and crossing her legs Indian style. "Did you find her there, Richard?"
The Haunter winced as Shu got up and turned to him, an expression of shock written on his face. "... Yes. She was going to die," he said in his defense, narrowing his eyes at the Larvitar. "She would die if I left her there. And I made sure no one saw us leave!" Shu still looked wary, but he made a noncommittal noise and sat back down heavily.
"Fine... but you should have told me that we had a former Pitter in our midst." Richard scoffed, swatting his friend with a pellucid hand. "Jane being a Pitter makes no difference. She's a valuable part of this team, and you know damn well she could kick your ass to next Tuesday if she even thought about it." Shu hesitated, before nodding his consent wearily, heaving a tired sigh.
"Yeah, yeah, I know she could." Rachel raised an eyebrow at our banter, giving in to a muted laugh that bubbled out of her insect throat.
"What I know is that I'm going to bed. You guys can choose who has the post." She got up and walked to her tent, lifting the flap slowly and crouching to get inside.
Richard and Shu slowly turned to look at each other, determination lighting both their eyes.
"One," Richard said, the beginnings of a grin twitching his cheeks.
"Two," Shu countered, narrowing his eyes and smirking.
"Three!" The Haunter crowed, raising a hand in preparation.
"Not me!"
"Not me!" Shu frowned, grumbling as he moved to the spot next to a particularly dinged lantern that was ritualistically the lookouts. "Damn, you beat me every time." Richard grinned, shrugging innocently.
"So? You know I can't sleep anyway, so I've got nothing better to do than stay out here and keep you company."

 

[cowboy dan]

Re: The Ares Party

Just curious - is this anything like Animal Farm (if you've read that...probably), seems vaguely similar, but maybe I missed the point

 

[Bullfinch]

Re: The Ares Party

Just curious - is this anything like Animal Farm (if you've read that...probably), seems vaguely similar

I actually have never read that, but I probably should if you think of it when you read this. XD

 

[cowboy dan]

Re: The Ares Party

Well I won't spoil it, but overall it seems to carry the same idea that you're heading towards...though Orwell's story is an obvious anti-communism work.

 

[Bullfinch]

Re: The Ares Party

Well I won't spoil it, but overall it seems to carry the same idea that you're heading towards...though Orwell's story is an obvious anti-communism work.

Oh, cool. I'll have to check it out. c:
Do you have any criticism on my story? Even if it's negative, I'd like to hear it. P;

 

[cowboy dan]

Re: The Ares Party

I'm probably near the end of the line when it comes to people asking for criticism/advice on their writing or story...I'm a fledgling author myself, and I've read too few fanfics to really grasp what it's all about. Yours is pretty enjoyable though...I'd say just keep up what you're doing and listen to experienced fanfic writers, but that's not really something you need to be told >.>

 

[Bullfinch]

Re: The Ares Party

I'm probably near the end of the line when it comes to people asking for criticism/advice on their writing or story...I'm a fledgling author myself, and I've read few fanfics to really grasp what it's all about. Yours is pretty enjoyable though...I'd say just keep up what you're doing and listen to experienced fanfic writers, but that's not really something you need to be told >.>

Heh, everyone's critique counts. Thank you!

 

[Bullfinch]

Re: The Ares Party

Chapter 3
Clocks​

The sun rose a few hours later, lighting up the forest with golden rays and making the lanterns obsolete. Rachel clambered out of her tent with a yawn, rubbing her eyes with the back of a scythe and stretching to ward off sleep. The sound of laughter attracted her attention, and she rolled her eyes at the sight of Richard and Shu playing Go Fish with the ratty cards they'd managed to swipe off of an unlucky traveling salesman. "Hmm... any threes?" Richard nodded, a sullen look on his face as he handed the card to Shu with unluckily practiced ease. The Larvitar smirked, eyes twinkling with mischief. "Any fives?" Richard grinned, spiky teeth almost feral with the expression.
"Go fish!" Shu groaned, picking up a card with a pout on his face. It soon turned into a grin, and he slapped down his cards with a twist of his wrist.
"Hah! Five pair, I win!" The Haunter sighed, dropping his cards and turning to Rachel with a yawn. "Hey, Rach. How's Jane?"
The Scyther smiled, sitting down next to them with a satisfied sigh as the fresh dew on the grass hit her skin. "The headaches stopped, and she seems fine to me. When I woke her up she actually grumbled." Richard grinned, relief getting rid of the tension that had knotted his stomach.
"Good. We'll need her if we want to get answers." Shu and Rachel shared a concerned glance, and both turned to him at the same time.
"Answers?" Richard nodded, turning his head to gather up the playing cards and put them back in the satchel Rachel carried. "Yeah. And the one place we can find them is -" Rachel interrupted him, eyes wide.
"A city." Richard nodded again, this time hesitantly, forcing himself to keep his eyes on his hands as he closed her satchel. "Richard, are you insane? We'll be caught and Pitted before you know it!" The Scyther stood, towering over him with an air of fury. Richard gulped, looking up at her uneasily with an acidic taste in his mouth. "You're delirious! You've finally cracked! Honestly, the first time I met you you weren't this moonstruck!" Richard shrunk a bit, before floating up to her eye level and glaring.
"Listen to me! If we don't get answers soon we'll all be incapacitated, writhing on the ground like worms, and then we'll be guaranteed to be Pitted!" His breathing was harsh and heavy, and Rachel glared back for a moment before taking a step astern and sighing, her form wilting.
"Fine. We'll go to Goldenrod; it's the only big one around here." Her voice was heavy with submission, and Richard instantly felt bad. God, why did she have to be so infuriatingly perfected?
"Good. How long will it take for you and Jane to be ready?" He dodged her scythes as she bent to slip on her satchel, more feeling her shrug than seeing it.
"Maybe half an hour, give or take." Richard nodded, drifting back down to skim over the grass as he gathered up the few lanterns they had and stuffing them in his own bag with an anxious glance at Shu.
It seemed to snap the Larvitar out of his astounded trance, as he shook himself visibly and hurried to the other side of their camp to get the rest of the lanterns. He barreled back with a contemplative frown on his face, and dropped the lanterns into Richard's backpack with a pant. "So.. Goldenrod?"
Richard nodded, his eyes wandering to the muggy city on the horizon. "Goldenrod."

And we're back! <3

 

[NeoMiniTails]

Re: The Ares Party (Chapter 3)

Alright so I started on this review last night and finished it this morning. I fell asleep after writing a few sentences. I was really exhausted. I had only four hours of sleep before that altogether for three days.

Well, onto the review:

let's start with some compliments:
-Your descriptions are very nice.

-The mood fits the story you're writing, much like a war novel. You can tell the true enemy in this story is not so much the humans but the oppression that keeps the pokemon back.

-The dialogue, although I will say something against it later, was realistic.

-Your characters were all individuals meaning they seemed to be separated, not like some people who make thousands of characters but they all seem like the main character just with different motives... So congrats on mastering the idea of knowing that everyone is their own person

- Chose a realistic parents for the lead character rather than Charizard and a Pichu just because it's cool... Eww... Charizard and Pichu... One is too big, huh?

- Interesting and original plot idea

Now, for the disappointers:

- Your writing style
*I. The paragraphs*
**A. Each paragraph should only present one idea. One thought. It shouldn't carry twenty thoughts as then it just confuses the reader. In this way, it trains the reader to think like you, to understand you and the character that is being portrayed.
** a. For example:

Usagi understood that by using the ginzinshuu, she would die. It was hard to swallow but this is what she had to do. Crystalline tears caressed her soft cheeks as she remembered that she promised Rei that she'd come back for her and Mamoru.*

Still, this was her destiny. Her purpose was to protect this world from the hands of darkness even if it would be lonely.

Her starseed came forth from her locket, it's energy lighting up the galaxy. She would use it to resurrect the ones they lost and then use it one final time in the battle for her life. There wouldn't be any help from her friends this time and she couldn't allow them to fight a battle that wasn't theirs.

"Sayonara..."

----
Do you see how each paragraph has it's own idea independent on it's own.*
----

*B. Your quotations
**a. I mentioned earlier that you had a nice dialogue but I'd insult a part of it later... This is nothing against what is said within the quotations, only the placing of them
** *I. Two people talking should never be in the same paragraph
** *II. Basically restating the last one, each person's quote should be on it's own paragraph or line of it's own.
** *III. This is done as to not confuse the readers. When this is done correctly, no one should confuse one person's ideas or quotes with another person.

For example:

"Rei-chan..." he whispered into the air, looking into her eyes. Her eyes were the only thing he needed to look at for this moment. Her eyes always told him the truth. Yes, he needed the truth and only the truth for a moment.

"Shuichi… what are you doing?"

There was a slight pause. "Searching… that is all." He smiled lightly as if his answer was completely normal, "Your eyes aren't the same anymore, my rose. You've lost your shine." He said in a monotone as Maya walked by and he followed her into their next classroom.

----

I did enjoy your story very much and I thank you for telling me about it. Hopefully my review is helpful and I would like to see what happens next.

- Neo

 

[Bullfinch]

Re: The Ares Party (Chapter 3)

Thank you so much, Neo! <3 I really appreciate the review!
First off, I agree with everything you've said, actually. XD
Second off... thanks. c: I love it when I get constructive criticism. I shall endeavor to tweak the story by tommorrow~!

 

[Bullfinch]

Re: The Ares Party (Chapter 3)

Chapter 4
Generation​

Richard surveyed the entrance to Goldenrod, clutching the stolen black robe closer to his transparent body. He clasped it in the front, the copper symbol of a Poke Capsule feeling cold even in his smoky hands. The cloth smelled like blood and age, and he coughed once, pushing past the crowds of bustling humans with barely restrained agitation. Their young ran through the streets, barely avoiding getting flattened by their earth-killing machines that smelled like brimstone. The parents simply watched, guffawing as a few slaves were used in a form of bear-bating on the side of the road, the fat bodies they possessed shaking and rolling. It was more than disgusting, the way they lived; the streets were lined with garbage and the shops were filled with the carcasses of frozen and processed endangered species.
While Goldenrod might be a beacon of light for mankind, it was practically Hell if you were not human.
Richard let out a breath of relief as the entrance to Golden Memory Hospital came into sight, and he turned to Shu, Rachel and Jane, the three wearing an assortment of lower-class clothing and cloaks. "Alright. We get in, get information, and get out." Rachel gave him a short nod, wings flattened uncomfortably against her back and cloak sliding across the ground in its attempt to hide her feet. Shu had been a bit more difficult to hide, having to stow away in a stroller they'd gotten from a rather unlucky family who'd wandered outside the city walls. "All for the greater good," he'd whispered, the blood splattering through his body. He could still taste and feel the tangy copper of it. Jane was easier, only having to wear what humans called a Fedora, keeping it low to hide her face.
Richard glided into the hospital, cloak low and spirits lower. All for the greater good.
The receptionist was pleasant enough, pointing him to the renowned Doctor Gevarde's office with a tight smile and squinting eyes. Richard held his breath as the party went through the metal-detectors before the hallway, and gulped as they stayed silent. Good thing they couldn't detect the steel lacing throughout Rachel's skin. Richard moved to the office's door, listening in with keen hearing before moving two fingers in a signal and whipping open the door, shutting it quietly but efficiently once they were all inside. The good doctor shot up from his chair, eyes wide and mouth open. "Have you lot ever heard of knocking before?"
Richard opened his mouth, grinning hollowly. "Of course, Doctor Gevarde." He tilted his voice, making it a deeper tone and with a slight accent. "However, we need your help. Immediately."
The doctor sat back down, his white medical coat half hanging off of his shoulders. "What is it, then? Can't you see I have work to do?" It was true; papers of all kinds were piled on the desk, almost completely covering the desktop.
Richard tut-tutted, moving closer to the desk and making a move similar to leaning against it. It was kind of hard to do, considering if he didn't have the damn cloak on he'd go right through this kind process and just kill the good doctor when they were done with him. "Now, now, Doctor. You must have patience. You see, we have a problem down in the Pits."
The doctor lost most of the color in his face, draining down to a parchment white. "A p-problem in the P-Pits?" He squeaked, fumbling with the dark glasses perched on his narrow nose. "W-What kind of problem?" His voice trembled, and in an effort to control himself he tugged on his coat tails.
Richard snickered, drumming his fingers on the table under his cloak. "The kind of problem that downs our profits. You know how much we love our profits, don't you, Gevarde?"

 

[Bullfinch]

Re: The Ares Party (Chapter 4 UP!)

Chapter 5
Free Coffee​

If the receptionist outside heard anything, she didn't show it, for she was just as wound up and testy as when they came in when they exited the good doctor's office. He sat curled in the corner, twitching so strongly that his head hit the plaster wall with a thump every few seconds. Visions of his own civilization crumbling to dust and burning bodies made him unable to move, frozen by the strength of his horror.
Richard hummed once they'd gotten outside, bumping a fist with Jane's sleeve-covered hand. "Nice work, Jane. Gevarde will be out of commission for a long time with that Future Sight."
Jane simply nodded, her one bright red eye seeming to glow like a bonfire in the darkest of nights. "It is always a pleasure to help, Richard." Richard chuckled, dodging a stray child as the toddler almost got run over by more than a few passing civilians. The Haunter sighed, cracking his nonexistent knuckles to create a sound akin to that of snapping twigs.
"Well, we have a clue, at least. It is man-made, in a way."
Rachel snorted, resisting the urge to scratch her scythes together. "Yeah, that's just handy-dandy, isn't it? So what if we know they caused it? Doesn't answer the real question."
Shu spoke up from his place in the stroller, slightly muffled due to the blankets surrounding him. "And what would the real question be, princess?"
Rachel groaned, rolling her eyes as she gave the stroller a light kick, causing Shu to yelp loudly and almost cost them the mission. "First off, don't call me that. Second, the real question is, why would they want to stimulate brain growth in us? Don't they want to keep us as their tiny obedient slaves forever?"
Richard shushed her, chuckling nervously as more than a few civilians shot them suspicious glares. "Shut up a bit, Rach, we don't need to get caught. Anyway, they probably did it on accident- you heard what the doctor said. The chemical was meant to harm the wild population, not help it."
The Scyther shrugged, elbowing a passing couple and snickering as they stumbled and tripped on each other’s feet. "Yeah, well, they're little plan backfired, didn't it? A few thousand of The Free, all meant to be wiped out, have gotten an IQ boost. And the best part is," she continued, smirking underneath her hood, "is that they still know shit about what caused it!"
Richard sighed thankfully as they made it past the city gates, leaning against a tree and waiting until his pulse evened back out. "That's good for us, but at the same time not." Now both Rachel, Shu, and Jane shot him incredulous looks. "You know it's true! If they see us as more of a threat, they won't just leave us alone! They'll target us specifically, systematically killing us off before the only ones left are the Slaved!"
The party all went silent, quietly slipping off their disguises and either sitting cross-legged on the ground or, in Richard's case, floating above it. "We only have one chance." The others turned to look at him, hope brightening their eyes. "We have to hit them before they hit us."

This right here? This was fun to write. c:

 

[NeoMiniTails]

Ah so I just read four and five. I especially liked five out of all your chapters so far. Nicely written. I can see you took the advise.

One piece of advise though, could you press "enter" or "return" twice when you go to a next paragraph. Besides that, I really liked it. Onto reading your other fanfic now...