The Choice

[Arcario]

BLURB:

Hayley is a typical 16-year old girl. She is all typical until one day she is taken by a Ho-oh! The Ho-oh says she's the chosen one. What does it mean?

Chapter 1: A New Beginning.

Hayley woke up to the noise of a mighty flap of a wing. She could see the blue sky all the way. Wait- she was supposed to be in her bedroom! She looked down, and saw that she was riding a Ho-oh! She couldn't do anything, so the only thing she could do was wait.

She had took a little nap. When she woke up, the Ho-oh was above some kind of mountain. It landed there. It slipped Hayley off its wing, and spoke, "Here is where you are destined to be." "W-w-wait, how am I talking to a POKEMON!?!" was Hayley's respone. "Guess we require the long story," said the Ho-Oh.

"You are the chosen one," the Ho-oh began. "You are the only one capable of saving this world from Arceus's rage." "Wait, what?" Hayley questioned. "How am I supposed to do that!?!" "You have the courage," the Ho-oh replied. "You just need the strength. To do so, you must turn into a Ho-oh yourself."
"Oh my god, seriously?"
"Yes."
"..."
"What?"
"I have another topic to discuss..."
"What?"
"What are my parents going to do!?!"
"You have been cloned, and your clone has taken up your everyday life."
"Why can't you use the clone for THIS, then?"
"The clone doesn't have enough courage for this, but it has enough for things to go normal there."
"Oh well..."

Author's Notes: How the heck does te Ho-oh reach for Hayley when it's too big to fit it's wing through the window or even wake up her parents?

 

[TPJerematic]

Erm ... Backstory? Setting? Explination for what's going on? Detailed descripion and characterization?

I ... I can't really review or comment on this without any of the above.

You've just thrown the reader into the story.

I would say interesting concept but ..... there isn't a visible concept there ... except a line about being a chosen one and being replaced with an unexplained clone.

I don't mean to come off as disheartening for you but ... you need to think and read what you have written before posting it.

 

[Drakon]

Hmm. This looks to be quite interesting but I am lost because there is no explanation at all.

Is Haley in the Pokemon World or is she in the "Real World"?

 

[Gama]

Erm, what is going on? I'm really hoping you have a clearly thought out story line, but something tells me you don't...

 

[The Golden Tyranitar]

Author's Notes: How the heck does te Ho-oh reach for Hayley when it's too big to fit it's wing through the window or even wake up her parents?

Y-You're asking us?

 

[Arcario]

Erm, what is going on? I'm really hoping you have a clearly thought out story line, but something tells me you don't...

Books don't tell you the storyline before you actually read it.

Hmm. This looks to be quite interesting but I am lost because there is no explanation at all.

Is Hayley in the Pokemon World or is she in the "Real World"?

Ditto.

Y-You're asking us?

Just pointing out something so you can laugh.

 

[TPJerematic]

Books don't tell you the storyline before you actually read it.

Books also do what i pointed out.

What's written isn't coherent.

Hayley: Oh I'm awake ... WAIT HO-OH ... I'm going to sleep

time jump

Hayley: Awake again

Ho-Oh: Hi, you have to be here

Hayley: OMFG POKEMON TALKING

Ho-Oh: *sigh* I'm going to HAVE to explain it to you


ect.ect.ect.

I can clearly understand you wanted to keep what's going on hidden and slowly reveal it. That's the point of fiction.

The problem here is that ... you're jumping around with less then minimum explination and description.

Oh and

Author's Notes: How the heck does te Ho-oh reach for Hayley when it's too big to fit it's wing through the window or even wake up her parents?

Suspension of Disbelief ... try not to break it by putting things like that at the end of your chapters

 

[Arcario]

Suspension of Disbelief ... try not to break it by putting things like that at the end of your chapters

This is what I'm going to do:

Spoiler

Stuff like that.

 

[White Len]

You start off with Hayley, and she wakes up to find herself riding a giant legendary bird. She takes a nap. Your readers are bound to go "WTF?!". Now, what you could do is lengthen the paragraph describing the flight. Describe her feelings at first, then describe the view, and after all that shit, you land and Ho-oh begins its explanation. There's a lot of "WTF?" moments in your fic. Here's another one.

"You have the courage," the Ho-oh replied. "You just need the strength. To do so, you must turn into a Ho-oh yourself."
"Oh my god, seriously?"
"Yes."
"..."
"What?"
"I have another topic to discuss..."

A short pause. Hold on a second, and imagine. Play the "What if?" game. What if you were told "HEY DUDE I'MMA GONNA TURN YOU INTO A GIANT LEGENDARY BIRD ARE YOU FINE WITH THAT?"? Surely you won't pause. We don't have time before this rude throwing into the universe to learn about Hayley's attitude, so we assume she's your typical high school girl...who really would either jump at the opportunity to burst away from the chains of school or back away from the fact that her life was about to be turned upside down. If she's adventurous, she would jump at the opportunity...but why would she need courage then?

So, yes, I know it's fantasy and everything, but your fic makes your readers wonder "Is this really happening?". That's what I'm thinking right now. Work on the plot, then we'll talk about whether it's fair that Pidgeot's fic gets better reception.