The Flaming Journey of... [Updated 2/6/11]

[Flame_]

The Flaming Journey of Flame

Okay, this is my first EVER FanFic.

This is a Journey Fic about my fictional Pokemon Trainer Flame. I made him myself, sprite and all.

I would gladly accept CONSTRUCTIVE Criticism and suggestions. I hope to have Flame go through all the Regions, yes Unova too.

This is Rated PG-13 for, I don't know but it is.

The First Chapter will be up soon. Thanks to anyone who has read this and enjoy!

Prologue: This is the journey of my fictional character Flame. His home town is on Island 1 in the Sevii Islands and he has two main rivals who you'll meet along the way. He will compete in Contests and Gyms.


Table of Contents:

Chapter 1: Starting, Sevii Style!

Chapter 2: Missing in Battle

Chapter 3: Elekid, The First Battle. Hawk.

Chapter 4: Sukizo, Contesta. Confrontations On Deck!

Chapter 5: Contest Debut. Rival!

Chapter 6: Fire in the Arena! Combination Battle.

Chapter 7: Pokémon Center! Hostage Crisis! (Part 1)

Chapter 8: Pokémon Center! Hostage Crisis! (Part 2)

Chapter 9: Sunyshore Lighthouse. Tag Team-Jarrett.

Chapter 10: Battle Conclusion. To Jubilife City!

Chapter 11: Flying to Jubilife. Battle Tournament Beginning

Chapter 12: Flying To Jubilife. Battle Tournament. (Part 2)

Chapter 13: Flying To Jubilife. Battle Tournament. (Part 3)

Chapter 14: To the City of Energy! The Man of Mystery.

Chapter 15: Corruption, Insurrection, and Freedom. (Part 1)

Chapter 16: Corruption, Insurrection, and Freedom. (Part 2)

Chapter 17: Corruption, Insurrection, and Freedom. (Part 3)

Chapter 18: Find Charmeleon and Elekid

Chapter 19: Capture the Beauty. Eterna City.

 

[Kantomasta]

Re: The Flaming Journey of...

Nice to see flame hear first off, you need to post your first chapter or prolouge in the first oost, other than that, its really good!

 

[Flame_]

Re: The Flaming Journey of...

Chapter 1: Starting Sevii Style!

“Flame, wake up already,” A woman yells, her voice screeching.

“Ugh, I'm coming already Mom!” Flame shouts back. He stands up, puts on a pair of brown denim jeans and grabs his dark green jacket. He throws it around his shoulders and walks down the steps leading to the Kitchen.

“Oh hello there deary, ready for your big day?” Flame's mother asks.

“Yeah I guess so.” Flame says sitting down in a chair next to the kitchen table.

“So you know what Starter Pokémon you're going to choose. I know on Knot Island you can only choose between: Charmander from Kanto, Mudkip from Hoenn, or a Turtwig from Sinnoh.” Flame's Mother continues placing a postcard with each Pokémon picture on it.

“I think I'll choose Mudkip,” Flame answers quietly. “After all Jarrett is getting Charmander so I want an advantage.” Flame continues.

“Well, I packed your bag so your ready. I want you to stay safe, Ok?” His mother says tossing his bag to him.

“I will Mom, don't worry.” Flame says walking out of his two story home.

~-At the Pokemon Center-~

“Nurse Joy, I'm here for my Pokémon!” Flame shouts running through the sliding door.

“Oh wonderful, Jarrett and Hawk are here already, so we can go ahead and give the Starters out.” Joy replies walking to the counter where three Pokéballs sat.

“All right, who here is the youngest?” Nurse Joy asks.

“I am,” Jarrett answers.

“Well then, choose your Pokémon,” Joy says, happily showing the Pokemon to Jarrett one more time.

Jarrett looked back at Flame and smiled. “I'll choose Mudkip.” Jarrett says grabbing the Pokéball and opening it. The white energy beam hit the floor and Mudkip appeared from it. Jarrett walked past Flame, “You snooze you lose.” He says and walks out with his new Mudkip.

“Alright then, Hawk I believe you are next.” Joy says politely.

“Indeed, I'll take the Turtwig.” Hawk says grabbing the Pokéball.

“Well then, Flame that leaves you with Charmander. Here you go.” Joy says handing the Pokéball with Charmander inside of it to Flame.

“Okay, I guess, Charmander lets go!” Flame says throwing the Pokéball into the air. A white light came out and Charmander materialized from it.

“Char, Char, Charmander!” Charmander shouts happily landing on the red colored counter.

“Alright buddy, you want to go on a journey with me?” Flame asks. Charmander nods approvingly and jumps into Flame's arms.

“Well, looks like you got a partner now,” Joy says happily walking back to another hallway grabbing a tray and returning quickly. “These are your Pokédexes and five other Pokéballs.” Nurse Joy says setting down the tray for Hawk and Flame. “Poor Jarrett won't get one, or his other Pokéballs.” Joy mumbles to herself.

Flame grabs his Pokédex and Pokéballs; he puts his Pokédex into his pocket, and his Pokéballs in it as well. Hawk does the same and walks over to Flame who was now preparing to leave.

“When you and I get two Pokémon, lets have a double battle.” Hawk says, and with that Hawk left the Pokémon Center.

“Weird, but okay,” Flame mumbles.

“Hey sweetie!! Hold on!” Flame's mother says running into the Center, stopping Flame in his tracks.

“You forgot the Water Bottle deary, this Water Bottle has been in our families for generations, it is for good luck.” She says putting it into Flame's Pack.

“Oops, sorry Mom.” Flame says. “After all you didn't even tell me which Region you were going to first anyways.” His mother continues. “I think I'll go to....

__________________________________________________________

This one is a little short and quick, but I promise the later chapters will be longer.

Anyways I want your opinion, what region Flame should go to first!!

 

[Marcat]

Re: The Flaming Journey of...

I don't know.
My all-time fave is Hoenn but that doesn't matter.
I think it should be Kanto because he has a Kanto starter.

 

[Flame_]

Re: The Flaming Journey of...

K Note taken, comment on the actual chapter?

 

[Kantomasta]

Re: The Flaming Journey of...

It seemed a little fast, and a little non-descriptive, like..

What does Flame look like?

Who exactly is Jarret and Hawk, and what do they look like?

A little more detail, like said above, and it will be good! Jhoto would be a cool starting region.

 

[Flame_]

Re: The Flaming Journey of...

Thank you for your comment. I admit i did partially rush it. But you'll see everything you noted in the next Chapter which should be up tomorrow.

 

[White Len]

Re: The Flaming Journey of...

Criticism here:

Spoiler

The plot of chapter one is uninteresting and a typical story. If it is just going to be a typical Rival-Me-And-My-Imaginary-Friend-Bob Get Pokemon chapter, then it's better off skipping it and referring to it later to imply that they got their Pokemon at the same time. If you're going to write a chapter about the main characters getting their Pokemon, then you're going to need to make something happen. Make the chapter different from other typical chapters. Maybe a grunt from an evil organization bursts in halfway to steal Pokemon from the good Professor, but the three characters defeat them with some difficulty. At least a rival battle would at least add to the plot.

The users (God what was I thinking when I typed that?) characters are your usual competitive rival and...characteristic-less main character? What I'd suggest for you to do, like I usually do, is write up a bio for each character that's going to be a main character and save it somewhere one your computer like in notepad, so that you don't forget what each character looks like, acts like, and his personal history. Kind of like an RP. Here's a template that I use that I stole from Aie.

Name
Age
Birthplace
Appearance
Personality
History

But that doesn't mean that the story is all bad. A water bottle as a family heirloom? That's actually quite interesting, and could prove to be a useful plot point later in the fic if used well.

All in all, the advice I have to give you is:
> Let your creativity go wild with the plot and characters. Don't stop yourself from dropping a nuke on the Sevii Islands or having a terrorist situation at the Pokemon Center. Make the rival character tactical, but clumsy. Give your characters characteristics, use your creativity.
> Description is vital to the plot, it gives that sense of professionalism while helping to paint a picture for the reader. What do the characters look like? Same with plot, you can let your imagination loose. What does the Pokemon Center look like? Has it changed from the games? What does the house look like? Ask yourself questions about the place, and answer them as, well, creatively as possible.

The Len rating for this fic is a 6/10 "Average", which means that while it's readable, there is a lot to improve on. It's not bad, but I can't say that it's good either. Don't be discouraged if you think that your fic is bad simply because of this review, after all I'm just a reader and might have my bias against journey fics.

 

[Flame_]

Re: The Flaming Journey of...

That piece of help actually helped me in my next chapter. I agree with the fact that: I didn't provide enough description. It was a cookie-cutter start to it, and was boring.

The next chapter that will come up tomorrow should hopefully change your opinion to a higher standard as i do not like average.

But, I'm glad that you found the water bottle interesting, Spoiler Alert:

Spoiler

And yes it will have an impact later.

Thanks for your criticism and help and I hope you read my next Chapter.

Next Chapter 2: Missing in Battle.

 

[Lurking]

Re: The Flaming Journey of...

Chapter 1: Starting Sevii Style!

I'm pretty sure you need a title after "Starting" (it would read "Starting, Sevii Style")

“Flame, wake up already,” A Woman yells, her voice screeching.

First, "Woman" needs to be lowercase, making it "woman". Second, good use of an absolute phrase.

Also, it's interesting that you're writing in Present Tense. It's not bad, as present tense is technically the stronger of the three, but it is uncommon on the forums. It does stand out, though.

“Oh hello there deary, ready for your big day?” Flame's mother asks.

You probably should name Flame's mother before the end of the chapter, and give Flame a last name before the end as well, unless you have a reason not to do so.

“So you know what Starter Pokémon you're going to choose. I know on Knot Island you can only choose between: Charmander from Kanto, Mudkip from Hoenn, or a Turtwig from Sinnoh.” Flame's Mother continues placing a postcard with each Pokémon picture on it.

Good to know where the people are. This isn't bad, I'm just glad you've told us where the setting is.
However, You've done the rather cliched way of importing starters to a region so a person can have a different starter than what is common in his region. That's not bad, but be warned: it's been done a good deal before, so try to make your story original.

“I will Mom, don't worry.” Flame says walking out of his two story home.

This is the only description we have of Flame's house. Does he sleep in a bed? Is there any furniture in his house? Moreover, what do Flame and his mother look like? It's a good thing to describe this pretty early on.

~-At the Pokemon Center-~

You don't need this. Just say that Flame ran through the sliding door of the Pokemon Center. Also, I like how they get their starters from Nurse Joy and not some random, non-existent Pokemon Lab on the island, although it is rather unorthodox.

“Oh wonderful, Jarrett and Hawk are here already so we can go ahead and give the Starters out.” Joy replies walking to the counter where three Pokéballs sat.

It should read "... Jarrett and Hawk are here already, so we can go ahead and..."
It's funny how they actually wait for the third member to show up. Usually, it's a first come first serve basis for starters, but that's not really important here. Just noting.

“Alright who here is the youngest,” Nurse Joy asks.

Should read: "All right, who here is the youngest?" Nurse joy asks.

“Well then choose your Pokémon.” Joy says happily showing the Pokemon to Jarrett one more time.

Should read: "Well then, choose your Pokemon," <Nurse> Joy says happily, showing the Pokemon to Jarrett one more time.

“You snooze you lose.” He says and walks out with his new Mudkip.

As a note, I don't think it matters how much Flame slept, seeing as it wouldn't have affected when he was born.

“Well then, Flame that leaves you with Charmander. Here you go.” Joy says handing the Pokéball with Charmander inside of it to Flame.

Although I was expecting Flame to get a Mudkip for a moment, his name is Flame, so Charmander isn't much of a surprise.

“Okay, I guess, Charmander lets go!” Flame says throwing the Pokéball into the air. A white light came out and Charmander materialized from it.

If Flame's been wanting a Mudkip that badly, shouldn't he act a bit more dejected, seeing as his hopes and dreams of a Mudkip have just been shattered? Even just a bit of a foul mood goes a long way.

“Char Char Charmander!” Charmander shouts happily landing on the red colored counter.

Anime physics. Charmander only weighs 18.7 pounds, but I think he would probably rather be released on the floor, not the counter.

“These are your Pokédexes and five other Pokéballs,” Nurse Joy says setting down the tray for Hawk and Flame.

Flame grabs his Pokédex and Pokéballs; he puts his Pokédex into his pocket, and his Pokéballs in it as well. Hawk does the same and walks over to Flame who was now preparing to leave.

More anime physics; Flame just stuffed an electronic device slightly larger than a cell phone and five spheres the size of baseballs into his pocket, and Hawk just did the same. (Also, this brings up the question: Why is he called Hawk? Shouldn't he have started with a bird based Pokemon then, like a Torchic, or will he end up getting a Staraptor or something?)

“When you and I get two Pokémon lets have a double battle.” Hawk says, and with that Hawk left the Pokémon Center.

"When you and I get two Pokemon, let's...
Also, you could get rid of one of the Hawks there, replacing it with "he". It makes the sentence flow better.

“Hey sweetie!! Hold on!” Flame's mother says running into the center stopping Flame in his tracks.

..."Flame's mother says, running into the <Pokemon> Center, stopping Flame in his tracks.

“You forgot the Water bottle deary, this Water bottle has been in our families for generations, it is for good luck.” She says putting it into Flame's Pack.

It should be either Water Bottle or water bottle. Water bottles aren't proper nouns, but if this is a special water bottle, it can be capitalized. Also, now he has a back pack (Which should probably be in lower case). Why didn't he put his stuff in there earlier? What does it look like?

“Oops, sorry Mom.” Flame says. “After all you didn't even tell me which Region you were going to first anyways.” His mother continues. “I think I'll go to...

This was confusing dialogue. Next time, space it out like you've been doing for the rest of the chapter. The first time I read it, I thought you were saying:
"Oops, sorry Mom," Flame says, "After all, you didn't even tell me which Region you were going to first, anyways!"

His mother continues, "I think I'll go to..."

That had me confused. Write it like this:

“Oops, sorry Mom.” Flame says.

“After all, you didn't even tell me which Region you were going to first, anyways.” His mother continues.

<Flame says,> “I think I'll go to..."

***​

Well, its not bad, but there isn't much that makes it stand out either. Sorry. Hopefully, your second chapter will sway my mind, like you suggested.

I suggest having him start in Kanto, seeing as he is currently on the Sevii islands, and it would be a pain getting him to another region. In your sprite, you've also put, "a trainer against all odds." What odds? So far, the only thing that's gone wrong for him is his starter, which is a Charmander. No problems there.

Regardless, keep it up. Apparently the next chapter is up tomorrow, so I'll be sure to drop in and read it.

 

[Flame_]

Re: The Flaming Journey of...

Grammar, how i hate it but is necessary. Thanks for your explanations and help. Note Taken on region. "A Trainer against all odds will mean something later, so just wait and see.

Thanks for your help, as said b4 Chapter 2 up on Friday.

 

[Flame_]

Re: The Flaming Journey of...

All Right or is it Alright oh well but here is Chapter Two: Missing in Battle. It is much longer, but has much less dialogue.

Chapter 2: Missing in Battle​

“I think I'll go to Sinnoh, Mom.” Flame says looking at Charmander for approval. Charmander nodded.

“Well, as long it makes you happy. But shouldn't you at least go into the forests around town and see if you can get a new Pokémon.” His mother suggests.

“Okay Mom, Nurse Joy I’ll stay here tonight after I go into the forest.” Flame says, walking out of the door and towards the forest.

Flame entered the forest as Charmander walked beside him, his fire lighting up his dirt colored pants. Soon after, Charmander began jumping at a palm tree.

“What’s wrong, Charmander?” Flame asks walking over. He looked up and saw an apple sitting plainly on the top of a tree. He set his bag down and climbed up the tree and tossed the apple down to Charmander.

As Flame scuttled down an Elekid snuck over into Flame’s bag and grabbed something, and as quickly as he came, he left the bag and into the shrubs. Flame left the tree and began searching for Pokémon to capture. After failing to capture any Pokémon he returned to the green-topped Pokémon Center at around 11:30 and was sent to bed by Nurse Joy.

Flame Darius awoke, bloodshot eyes. The night before he was traveling through the woods and lost his water bottle when he was helping his Charmander reach an apple. “Great,” he thought to himself. “No water now. And my Mom will be angry; after all it was an heirloom for us.” He stayed in the forest until 11:30 PM that night searching for it; he didn't want to spend any of the money he had gotten at the beginning of his journey. He decided to go back to the Pokémon Center he stayed at the night before to see if anyone had found it.

“I'm sorry, no one has found it” Nurse Joy says. He spent the night there as tears formed in his dark green eyes, saddened by the loss.

"Thanks Nurse Joy, here is my PokéGear number in case you find it." Flame says, writing the number ‘689-5444’ on a blank piece of paper and putting it on the Healing Station.

“Okay, I'll let you know Flame. Goodbye!” Nurse Joy says; waving as Flame walks out and back into the forest. Flame occasionally stopped to look around, he had no results. It was around 2:30 in the afternoon now.

He saw an Elekid. "Hey, whoa, wait a minute. That’s not the normal color of an Elekid” Flame says whipping out his Pokédex which resembled the one given out in Isshu. “Nope, hey, yeah you’re a Shiny Pokémon aren’t you.” Flame exclaims happily.
Elekid winds it arms, causing blue electricity to form in the middle of his prongs on his head.

“Well, that’s interesting, but I’m not sure if I can beat you right now, after all you haven’t done anything. Anyways little one, have you seen my water bottle?" Flame asks the Elekid.
It shakes its head ‘No’.

"Oh well, if you find it, could you come give it to me." Flame suggests.

Elekid nods approvingly.

Around 5:30 PM: The Elekid returned to where he had taken the bottle, it had the initials F.D. on it. The Elekid remembered taking it from the human's he had encountered before so the Elekid left in search of him. Flame walked through the forest occasionally looking around again when he came upon the Elekid again.

"Hey there, did you find my water bottle?" Flame asks.
The Elekid shakes it head no, it was playing with him.

"Oh well." he says. As Flame leaves the Elekid snickers and holds the bottle up.

Elekid left Flame and went into the bush next to him. Elekid occasionally made some sounds in the bush causing Flame to hopelessly look into the green shrubbery, not seeing anything. Elekid hid from him again and again. Unfortunately one of the times Elekid tricked him, Flame looked into a Beedrill nest. But not your average nest. This nest was a mating area, and the Beedrill were not happy. Flame and Charmander fled as several herds of Beedrill enveloped him, the whole time Elekid was laughing at his misfortunes. It was almost nightfall and Flame was miserable, it could have been a nice day, but no he just had to keep on hearing things in the bush.

As nightfall fell on the duo, the sound of crackling water came to pale colored ear. He ran up ahead and found a glistening, crystal clear river that was just up ahead of him. He slowly arrived at it, hoping no more misfortunes would find him here. Disheartened from the Beedrill and miserable from walking. He gathered water as his Charmander got kindling for the fire. Once he finished gathering water for the two he got out his fold-able tent and set it up for the two, it had just enough space for them. Charmander returned with wood and he sat it in a pile. Charmander lit it with his flaming tail. Flame went over to his bag; he got some marshmallows his mother put in there for a sad day. The duo roasted marshmallows and ate in there sweet peace. The two sat close together and went to sleep after eating and going into their tent.

Late that night the Elekid that was playing jokes on them snuck into their camp and sat down next to the fire, for it was rather cold out and he enjoyed the company. Elekid looked at Flame and his Charmander.

“Should I give it back, it is fun being with them but this sure is fun.” The Elekid thought to itself several times. Elekid made its decision and walked over quietly and went to sleep next to Flame.

Flame awoke it was close to morning; he was stirred by another Pokémon next to him. "Elekid, is that you. It’s good to see you again buddy." Flame says drowsily waking up. The Elekid jumps up, excited, not frightened. It leads Flame and Charmander near the river. "My water bottle! Thank you Elekid, thank you so much!" Flame says grabbing it and filling it with water. "Charmander thank the Elekid for its help." Flame says. Charmander walks over and gives the Elekid a high-five. "Thanks again Elekid, but we have to go." Flame says.

Flame begins to walk off when the Elekid shoots a Thunderbolt at him. "Whoa, what was that for." Flame yells. The Elekid takes a fighting stance winding up his arms as lightning crackles between his points.

"Oh I get it now you want a battle don't you Elekid?” Flame asks. The Elekid nods. Charmander's flame revved up and was preparing for battle as well.

“Charmander, Flame Up!" Flame yells. Elekid runs at Charmander, the battle had begun..............

"Charmander use your Scratch attack." Flame calls out. The Scratch impedes Elekid's attack. Charmander jumps back ready for another attack.

"Do it again!" Flame yells. Tiny electrical bolts go across him,

"Paralyzed? Oh no I forgot! Static!" Flame yells.

"Hang in there!" Flame says. Elekid tackles Charmander into the thorn bush. "NO!" Flame yells

Elekid winds its arms and launches a Blue Thunderbolt attack. The Thunderbolt hit Charmander causing a great amount of damage.

"Charmander, you can do it. Use Rapid Fire Scratch!" Flame yells desperately. Charmander stands, barely. He attacks knocking the Elekid into the ground. Charmander and the Elekid were both extremely tired now. Elekid looked at Flame and fell back for a moment, but just enough for Flame to throw his Pokéball

"GOOOOOOO! Pokéball!" Flame yells and throws the Pokéball at it, it hits and falls to the dark green grass and shakes. "COME ON!!!!" it goes back and forth attempting to capture the Elekid inside...

 

[Kantomasta]

Re: The Flaming Journey of...

Ok, your grammers better, but there is just one little thing.

*Imagine that yourwriting this to someone thhat has never seen pokemon, what does charmander look like? Beedrill, elekid?

Other than that detail, its good and ill read it as long as you write it!

 

[Flame_]

Re: The Flaming Journey of...

Thanks, I will, and Chapter 3: The First Battle will be up either late tonite or tomorrow.

 

[Lurking]

Re: The Flaming Journey of...

I typed this all last night, and then the server died. D:

Starting grammatically, as it's the easiest part to do.

“Well, as long it makes you happy. But shouldn't you at least go into the forests around town and see if you can get a new Pokémon.” His mother suggests.

Comma forgotten. I've added it in white.

“Okay Mom, Nurse Joy I’ll stay here tonight after I go into the forest.” Flame says, walking out of the door and towards the forest.

Comma added again in white. Remember, you need a comma to separate a participial from the sentence.

Flame entered the forest as Charmander walked beside him, his flame lighting up Flame’s dirt colored pants.

You have the word Flame three times in the sentence. True, his name is Flame, but it is repetitive. Try replacing Charmander's flame with a fire or something, and take this opportunity to describe what Charmander looks like. As Charizardtrainer101 says, pretend that we're blind and you've got to describe everything that's happening to us. Again, what does Flame even look like? What is this "Charmander" you speak of?

“What’s wrong, Charmander?” Flame asks walking over. He looked up and saw an apple sitting plainly on the top of a tree. He set his bag down and climbed up the tree and tossed the apple down to Charmander.

Comma ommitted, added in white. Try reading the commas as pauses in the sentence and add them when you need them. It's handy to have a list of comma rules nearby when you're typing so you don't forget anything.
Also, this is a palm tree, not an apple tree. Apples do not grow on palm trees. It was unrealistic, and if you look at it from a game standpoint (I'm not sure which canon you're planning on using), there are neither apples nor palm trees.
Also, you switch from present tense to past tense here. (asks... tossed)
Then, in the next sentence you go back to past tense, and then you switch to present tense again. Just pick one and keep it the same for continuity's sake.

“Well, as long it makes you happy. But shouldn't you at least go into the forests around town and see if you can get a new Pokémon.” His mother suggests.

Comma forgotten. I've added it in white.

“Okay Mom, Nurse Joy I’ll stay here tonight after I go into the forest.” Flame says, walking out of the door and towards the forest.

Comma added again in white. Remember, you need a comma to separate a participial from the sentence.

Flame entered the forest as Charmander walked beside him, his flame lighting up Flame’s dirt colored pants.

You have the word Flame three times in the sentence. True, his name is Flame, but it is repetitive. Try replacing Charmander's flame with a fire or something, and take this opportunity to describe what Charmander looks like. As Charizardtrainer101 says, pretend that we're blind and you've got to describe everything that's happening to us. Again, what does Flame even look like? What is this "Charmander" you speak of?

“What’s wrong, Charmander?” Flame asks walking over. He looked up and saw an apple sitting plainly on the top of a tree. He set his bag down and climbed up the tree and tossed the apple down to Charmander.

Comma ommitted, added in white. Try reading the commas as pauses in the sentence and add them when you need them. It's handy to have a list of comma rules nearby when you're typing so you don't forget anything.
Also, this is a palm tree, not an apple tree. Apples do not grow on palm trees. It was unrealistic, and if you look at it from a game standpoint (I'm not sure which canon you're planning on using), there are neither apples nor palm trees.
Also, you switch from present tense to past tense here. (asks... tossed)
Then, in the next part, you go back to past and then switch to present later on.

“Well, as long it makes you happy. But shouldn't you at least go into the forests around town and see if you can get a new Pokémon.” His mother suggests.

Comma forgotten. I've added it in white.

“Okay Mom, Nurse Joy I’ll stay here tonight after I go into the forest.” Flame says, walking out of the door and towards the forest.

Comma added again in white. Remember, you need a comma to separate a participial from the sentence.

Flame entered the forest as Charmander walked beside him, his flame lighting up Flame’s dirt colored pants.

You have the word Flame three times in the sentence. True, his name is Flame, but it is repetitive. Try replacing Charmander's flame with a fire or something, and take this opportunity to describe what Charmander looks like. As Charizardtrainer101 says, pretend that we're blind and you've got to describe everything that's happening to us. Again, what does Flame even look like? What is this "Charmander" you speak of?

“What’s wrong, Charmander?” Flame asks walking over. He looked up and saw an apple sitting plainly on the top of a tree. He set his bag down and climbed up the tree and tossed the apple down to Charmander.

Comma ommitted, added in white. Try reading the commas as pauses in the sentence and add them when you need them. It's handy to have a list of comma rules nearby when you're typing so you don't forget anything.
Also, this is a palm tree, not an apple tree. Apples do not grow on palm trees. It was unrealistic, and if you look at it from a game standpoint (I'm not sure which canon you're planning on using), there are neither apples nor palm trees.
Also, you switch from present tense to past tense here. (asks... tossed)
Then, in the next part, you go back to past tense and switch on over to present later on.

As Flame scuttled down, an Elekid snuck over into Flame’s bag and grabbed something, and as quickly as he came,

Comma error again.

Flame left the tree and began searching for Pokémon to capture. After failing to capture any Pokémon he returned to the green-topped Pokémon Center

It's strange that he walks into a forest completely inhabited by Pokemon and can't find a single one. Even having just a single battle against a Ratatta makes it all better, or a trainer battle. But no encounters? You can't even do that with Repel sometimes.
Also, you could add: He returned to the green-topped Pokemon Center, feeling ____ (sad, defeated, discouraged). Remember to describe people's appearances and feelings.

Flame Darius awoke, bloodshot eyes. The night before he was traveling through the woods and lost his water bottle when he was helping his Charmander reach an apple. “Great,” he thought to himself. “No water now. And my Mom will be angry; after all it was an heirloom for us.” He stayed in the forest until 11:30 PM that night searching for it; he didn't want to spend any of the money he had gotten at the beginning of his journey.

The first sentence makes no sense. Maybe you meant "Flame Darius (this is the first time we've seen his last name, by the way), his eyes blood shot.
Also, he was traveling in the afternoon, as far as I could tell. It helps to describe what the time of day is as well, although you don't need the exact time. Even if "it's dark" or "the sun is setting", it still helps with description.

tears formed in his dark green eyes, saddened by the loss.

THE FIRST DESCRIPTION OF FLAME! HALLELUJAH!

"Thanks Nurse Joy, here is my PokéGear number in case you find it." Flame says, writing the number ‘689-5444’ on a blank piece of paper and putting it on the Healing Station.

Comma. Also, I wouldn't capitalize "Healing Station", as it doesn't seem like a proper noun.

“Okay, I'll let you know, Flame. Goodbye!”

Comma after "know".

Nurse Joy says, waving as Flame walks out and back into the forest. Flame occasionally stopped to look around; he had no results. It was around 2:30 in the afternoon now.

Wow, semicolons now.
Also, I suggest changing the times to more subtle time references. "The sun was high in the air, parching his neck. Flame looked up and realized that it must be late in the afternoon."

"Hey, whoa, wait a minute. That’s not the normal color of an Elekid” Flame says whipping out his Pokédex which resembled the one given out in Isshu. “Nope, hey, yeah you’re a Shiny Pokémon aren’t you.”
And you're back to present tense again.
Also, it's his second Pokemon encounter (including Charmander), and he's already seen a shiny Pokemon. There's a 1/4096 chance of that happening, and I really hope that he doesn't manage to catch the Elekid (I've seen the end of the chapter, don't worry). Trainers with Pokemon that are shiny for no specific reason are no fun to a story.

Elekid winds it arms, causing blue electricity to form in the middle <between> his <the> prongs on his head.

Comma, and word choice.

Anyways little one, have you seen my water bottle?"

Little one is a strange choice of words here. It makes Flame sound a lot older than he is, which is strange in this situation (by a lot, I mean a parent or older, not in his upper teens.

"Oh well, if you find it, could you come give it to me?" Flame suggests.

Question mark after a question is asked.

Elekid nods approvingly.

Approvingly is a bad word here. Elekid nods his head happily, in agreement, but approvingly makes it seem as if Elekid is fond of Flame's quest, even after he stole his water bottle.

Around 5:30 PM: The Elekid returned to where he had taken the bottle, it had the initials F.D. on it.

If this is a family heirloom, it shouldn't have Flame's initials on it (unless the family owner has the same initials as Flame)

Flame walked through the forest, occasionally looking around again when he came upon the Elekid again.

Comma again, and also, Flame should be desperate by this point if he's talking to random wild Pokemon, not just "occasionally looking around"

The Elekid shakes it head no; it was playing with him.

Elekid occasionally made some sounds in the bush causing Flame to hopelessly look into the green shrubbery, not seeing anything.

Comma

Elekid hid from him again and again. Unfortunately one of the times Elekid tricked him, Flame looked into a Beedrill nest. But not your average nest.

First, I'm confused here. Flame confuses a large hive, capable of holding Beedrill (which are reather large), with a bush?
Also, I suggest not starting sentences with "and", "but", or "or" unless you really have to. You haven't done it a lot so far, but don't make it a habit.

This nest was a mating area, and the Beedrill were not happy. Flame and Charmander fled as several herds Beedrill enveloped him,

No. That sounds so wrong. Just say they used Poison Jab or something.

It was almost nightfall and Flame was miserable, it could have been a nice day, but no, he just had to keep on hearing things in the bush.

Comma error.

As nightfall fell on the duo, the sound of crackling water came to pale colored ear.

Is it Flame's ear? Or Charmander's? Description is key. (either way, you've forgotten a pronoun)

Disheartened from the Beedrill and miserable from walking.

Sentence fragment, just change the period to a comma and lowercase the letter to the next sentence.

The two sat close together and went to sleep after eating and going into their tent.

Nice bonding scene, but possibly add some sort of dialogue, even if it is just "Char char!"

“Should I give it back? It is fun being with them but this (explain what "this" is) sure is fun.” The Elekid thought to itself several times for a while.

Corrections in white again.

WhenFlame awoke, it was close to morning; he was stirred by another Pokémon next to him. "Elekid, is that you? It’s good to see you again buddy." Flame says, drowsily waking up. The Elekid jumps up, excited, but not frightened.

You switch tenses again in the next part.

"Whoa, what was that for." Flame yells?

Punctuation.

"Oh I get, it now you want a battle, don't you Elekid?” Flame asks.

“Charmander, Flame Up!" Flame yells. Elekid runs at Charmander, the battle had begun..............

First, "Flame Up" sounds like some cheesy cry from a cartoon. You can keep it, but it's funny how Charmander 'Flames up', only to use Scratch.
Also, you only need three dots for a ... (I've forgotten the name at the moment)

"Charmander, use your Scratch attack." Flame calls out. The Scratch impedes Elekid's attack. Charmander jumps back, ready for another attack.

Commas in white.

The Thunderbolt hit Charmander, causing a great amount of damage.

Comma.

"Charmander, you can do it. Use Rapid Fire Scratch!"

That sounds like an improvised move, where Charmander uses Ember or something on its claws and then Scratch, but I'm guessing you mean "rapid fire Scrath".

Ok, that's it with the grammar. Your story needs a bit more detail, seeing as the only thing we know about Flame and Charmander is that Flame wears dirt colored pants and has green eyes. It makes picturing him a problem (plus, in the image you've created, he's got brown or black eyes). Detail is key in all stories, but you do need more.

Also, post the chapters with more time in between. Don't post two chapters in one day, for starters (this review takes about an hour to write, as I have to go through, find the grammatical errors, and then write a sensible review at the bottom). Even having one each day is still pretty rough on the readers. I suggest writing a chapter every two days, and then spend a day or two proofreading them so there won't be as many comma errors.

Please, please don't let Flame have a shiny Elekid. Let the ball fail, Elekid runs away, and is captured by Hawk or Jarrett or another trainer who becomes a psuedo rival. Having Flame catch a shiny Pokemon in the wild in an area where said Pokemon is unobtainable anyways is just unfair and unrealistic.

Your story isn't bad, no matter how I made it sound in my last review. Sure, there isn't much to set it apart (not even shiny Pokemon. Sorry), but it isn't bad. If you fix up the grammar, add in some detail and description, and not catch the Elekid, you can make the chapters a lot better. Good luck.

Also, I'm interested to see how Flame will get to Sinnoh, seeing as the proximity between Sinnoh and the Sevii Islands are unknown.

 

[Flame_]

Re: The Flaming Journey of...

I typed this all last night, and then the server died. D:

Also, this is a palm tree, not an apple tree. Apples do not grow on palm trees. It was unrealistic, and if you look at it from a game standpoint (I'm not sure which canon you're planning on using), there are neither apples nor palm trees.

Note here I said the apple was on top of the Palm Tree not growing on it.

Also, you switch from present tense to past tense here. (asks... tossed)

I have trouble with that when i write, so I'll try andd get better at it.
Then, in the next part, you go back to past and then switch to present later on.


THE FIRST DESCRIPTION OF FLAME! HALLELUJAH!

Wow, took that long?!?

Comma. Also, I wouldn't capitalize "Healing Station", as it doesn't seem like a proper noun.

I was unsure about it so I went with my gut.

Trainers with Pokemon that are shiny for no specific reason are no fun to a story.

I have a reason for the blue electricity, and reading through your review has shown me it's not the best idea for it to be shiny. I will ommit it and Elekid is normal except for the the Blue thunder.



Is it Flame's ear? Or Charmander's? Description is key. (either way, you've forgotten a pronoun)

Flame's, as said I should have said who's it was.


Nice bonding scene, but possibly add some sort of dialogue, even if it is just "Char char!"

Thanks, that for me is where Flame gives up on his want for Mudkip.



First, "Flame Up" sounds like some cheesy cry from a cartoon. You can keep it, but it's funny how Charmander 'Flames up', only to use Scratch.

Point being is funny and stupid, as the story gets later he will realize and well change it.

That sounds like an improvised move, where Charmander uses Ember or something on its claws and then Scratch, but I'm guessing you mean "rapid fire Scrath".

I did,

Ok, that's it with the grammar. Your story needs a bit more detail, seeing as the only thing we know about Flame and Charmander is that Flame wears dirt colored pants and has green eyes. It makes picturing him a problem (plus, in the image you've created, he's got brown or black eyes). Detail is key in all stories, but you do need more.

Also, post the chapters with more time in between. Don't post two chapters in one day, for starters (this review takes about an hour to write, as I have to go through, find the grammatical errors, (Which hopefully will be less and less) and then write a sensible review at the bottom). Even having one each day is still pretty rough on the readers. I suggest writing a chapter every two days, and then spend a day or two proofreading them so there won't be as many comma errors.

Please, please don't let Flame have a shiny Elekid. Let the ball fail, Elekid runs away, and is captured by Hawk or Jarrett or another trainer who becomes a psuedo rival. Having Flame catch a shiny Pokemon in the wild in an area where said Pokemon is unobtainable anyways is just unfair and unrealistic.

Ommitted as Shiny, now just a normal Elekid.

Your story isn't bad, no matter how I made it sound in my last review. Sure, there isn't much to set it apart (not even shiny Pokemon. Sorry), but it isn't bad. If you fix up the grammar, add in some detail and description, and not catch the Elekid, you can make the chapters a lot better. Good luck.

Also, I'm interested to see how Flame will get to Sinnoh, seeing as the proximity between Sinnoh and the Sevii Islands are unknown.

Three words: Long Boat Trip

Okay Muffins! Thank you for this, it helps me in my writing and, I believe Chapter 3's battle should help the description area of it.

 

[White Len]

Re: The Flaming Journey of...

Unlike Muffins, I won't really nitpick your story half to death like an impatient vulture that can't be bothered to wait for its prey to die. Interestingly, I researched vultures two years back but that's another story.

Now, the very first thing you should do is consider the perspective of the narrator who is writing. In this case, the narrator is a third person, which gives him ample opportunity to take a break to describe Alex Flame (What is WRONG with me today...). The descriptions of him are scattered, and it's kind of like putting a puzzle together.

Regarding the plot, encountering a shiny Pokemon as his second Pokemon is unlikely, nearly to the point that it's, well, sueish. Don't know what a Sue is? I'll link you some references. [TVTropes][Wikipedia] Right now, all we know about Flame is the vague descriptions of him. He has no personality whatsoever. Change that. How he reacts to the Shiny Pokemon is important. All he does is "Oh, you're a Shiny Pokemon. Okay." Nuh-uh. Put yourself in the shoes of a 10 year old who finds a Shiny Pokemon. Now let me tell you the reaction of anyone who is this 10 year old.

OH MY GOD HOLY CRAP A SHINY ZIGZAGOON CATCH IT CATCH IT CATCH IT

This, I can tell you, is the reaction of any 10 year old. From what I gather, Flame should be of the average trainer's age (i.e. 10-11), which is prepuberty. Therefore, he should have a complete lack of self control and just go mad trying to capture the Shiny Pokemon. That's the way I see it but, hey, you don't need to take my advice for it. Just a word of caution though.

Don't let him capture it. Sure, shininess does nothing to a Pokemon's battling. But shininess, in itself, is rare, thus making him sueish if he encounters and captures one as his second Pokemon.

That's about all the nitpicking I've done now. Advice for this chapter is:
> Flame needs a personality to be a proper, three dimensional main character.
> Shiny Elekid, no capture please.

 

[Zekurom]

Re: The Flaming Journey of...

Don't let him capture it. Sure, shininess does nothing to a Pokemon's battling. But shininess, in itself, is rare, thus making him sueish if he encounters and captures one as his second Pokemon.

I object to this, actually. It would have been better that Flame had never encountered the shiny at all. But now that he has, it would be a shame if he didn't capture it, and the whole thing was just forgotten. (I mean, there's all this talk about subverted tropes, but not all subversions are clever and deep.) Didn't you yourself say that he would do everything in his ability to capture it?

The encountering of a shiny Pokemon is not something to just throw in there. If you've already started, the can of worms is pretty much opened, so if you're planning on listening to this advice and having him not capture the Pokemon, it's probably going to have to be a recurring plot point later on in the story. The whole point of including the shiny in the story anyway is that it's something special. It would be truly Sue-ish of Flame if the shiny Pokemon was unimportant the plot and was just thrown in there for the sake of being a shiny.

(There's all this hype about shinies... hence why I don't include them in my stories at all.)

BTW, didn't the guy already say that the Elekid wasn't going to be shiny anymore?

Please, please don't let Flame have a shiny Elekid. Let the ball fail, Elekid runs away, and is captured by Hawk or Jarrett or another trainer who becomes a psuedo rival. Having Flame catch a shiny Pokemon in the wild in an area where said Pokemon is unobtainable anyways is just unfair and unrealistic.

But this would make the other character who got the shiny Elekid seem like a Mary Sue. How about just flat out have nobody get it.

 

[Lurking]

Re: The Flaming Journey of...

I object to being compared to an impatient vulture. I thought that surely I seemed more like the buzzard type.
All sarcasm aside, however, it is true that I stress on grammar more than most other concepts and probably more than most other people. I blame my school for that.
It's true; I am a nitpick. So while my comments may seem harsh, you're doing a lot better than my comments may imply. I apologize if my comments were too harsh; in which case I'll be sure to tone them down in the future (I mean this in the least cynical way). Keep it up.

Also forgot to address the shiny Elekid problem that we seem to be having. My suggestion was for some other character who I assumed would not play a prominent role in the story could keep it. That way, at least, you could pass off the Mary-Sueness to an unknowing scapegoat. Now, I think you're backed between a rock and a hard place. Keep the Elekid, and you run the risk of a permanent Mary Sue character. Have some way to remove it, and you've just watched a 10 year old (I'm assuming his age) let a shiny Pokemon just waltz away. There's really no easy solution for this; you're going to have to be really creative to get this to work (or, you can just pick one of the above options and suffer the consequences )

 

[Flame_]

Re: The Flaming Journey of...

All this for one Pokémon that I stated is no longer shiny, it's just an Elekid with Blue Electricity. On Blue Electricity, I like it so who cares.

@Muffins! Your grammar helps me, so keep it up, don't tone it down.In fact go full force against me. Be a nitpick. Criticism is great, it Can help me.

@White Len- I've stated it is no longer shiny, after all if you look at sprites there is little difference.

@Zekurom, you are right on the Elekid. Chapter 3 will help end the Elekid fiasco (I hope)

@Everyone. Granted no reaction to a Shiny (OH crap now you have me confused) I mean, AHHHH Just read Chapter 3 okay, Elekid will be there.

"Chapter 3- The First Battle- Hawk" will probably be up tomorrow I'm just looking over it right now.