• Hello!

    Please be aware that our content warnings system has recently been updated! Please refer to this thread for more information, or if you're unsure, feel free to contact a Workshop staff member!

    Thank you all for helping us ensure our community is a safe and healthy one, and for your continued patronage in our Library and Workshop.
  • Forum staff applications are now open! If you're interested in seeing what sections are currently recruiting, click here for more information!

EVERYONE: - Complete The Kanto Journeys

Tyshaun B. Simo

New Member
Joined
Feb 3, 2017
Messages
1
Reaction score
0
Hello everyone, this is where I'm going to upload the Kanto Journeys. Please tell me what you think about it and give me tips if you can.


1. The five friends

-------------

2. The dream

3. Professor Oak


1. The five friends


The sun was shining through the leaves of the forest near Route 1, and a fresh breeze blew between its numerous trees. The last few raindrops from the downpour the other day fell off the lowest-hanging leaves of the trees, when a horde of wild Rattata dashed through the woods, accompanied by a bunch of Machop and Geodude. They were expelling two young boys out of their territory.


One of the two children was named Brown, “Watch out! They are way faster than we thought.”


The name of the other boy was Zane, “I noted that myself. Where is Red?”


“I don’t know, I can’t see Blue anywhere either," Brown replied. “By the way, I think we lost those Pokémon, maybe we’re out of their area.”


Zane and Brown paused at a group of trees. Earlier that day, they were strolling through the woods with two other friends, when they ran into a group of wild Rattata. The Pokémon thought they were enemies, so they instantly called for help and started attacking the kids. The four friends ran away as swiftly as they possibly could, but Zane and Brown lost the other two during their escapement.


“Where could they have gone off to?” Zane wondered while he started walking again. “They were with us just five minutes ago.”


Brown followed him, “I hope they found their way back to Pallet Town.”


“I told you this was a bad idea, we should have just waited for the professor to give us our own Pokémon. Going out in the wild to catch one ourselves is the worst idea ever, but the two of you simply had to go farther than we were allowed to. Who knows where we are now?”


Zane was interrupted by a voice not so far behind them, “Dratini! Use Thunder Wave to slow them down!” The two friends looked around.


“Who was that?” Brown asked.


“I think I recognize that voice,” Zane stated, “isn’t that Grey?”


“Now, use Wrap!”


Starting to run again and with a hopeful look on his face, Zane exclaimed, “That is definitely Grey!”


“You’re right,” Brown shouted back, following his friend, “let’s go and find him.”


But another voice stopped them, “Brown, Zane, hold up! We are here!”


Someone with brown hair and a red cap came walking toward them from out of the shrubbery.


It was Brown who recognized him, “Red? Is that you?”


“Yes,” was the response he got. “And Blue is with me too.”


Because his friends had been running around when Zane and Brown were taking a break, Zane tried to convince Red and Blue to take a rest, but Red refused, “That voice just now, it was Grey, so we have to hurry. He does actually have his own Pokémon, so we’ll be safe when we get to him.”


Brown and Blue both agreed with him, so Zane could do nothing but follow them in the direction of Grey’s voice.


“There you are, what in the world were you thinking!” Grey shouted. “Going out in the wild without any Pokémon, now you’ve angered all those wild Pokémon. Dratini can only use Leer, Thunder Wave, and Wrap. The Machop and Rattata won’t be that difficult to defeat, but the Geodude are resistant to Wrap, and Thunder Wave won’t affect them at all.”


Suddenly the expression on his face changed from anger to fear, “Brown, look out!” A Machop tried to kick Brown, but thanks to Grey’s warning, Brown was able to jump aside to avoid the attack.


“That was Low Kick,” Grey explained. “All of these Machop probably know that attack. It does more damage on an opponent that weighs more than the user, so we should watch out for that since we’re all much heavier than a Machop.”


Red was also nearly hit by a Machop, while Blue and Zane ducked down just in time to avoid two Geodude.


Grey was still battling the wild Pokémon, but there was something his Dratini hadn't learned yet, on which Grey corrected him, “Dratini! Use Thunder Wave on the Machop and Rattata only, it won’t have any effect on the Geodude. Try to not get yourself hurt!”


After a while, all the Rattata fled and most of the Machop were defeated, but the Geodude had noticed that Dratini didn’t attack them, so they started attacking Dratini, instead of defending themselves. Dratini apparently began to get exhausted, his movements were slower than before, and his attacks seemed to do even less damage than normal.


Grey noticed it and asked for help, “One of you, try to capture a Geodude and give me a hand!”


Red was the first one to grab a Poké Ball out of his bag and throw it at a Geodude, but the Pokémon broke out right away and continued its attacks on Dratini, which frustrated Grey, “It won’t work when you try to catch a healthy Pokémon. Of course it will break out! Throw a Poké Ball at one that is already damaged, they are easier to capture.”


Brown was the next one to throw a Poké Ball, but he followed his friend’s advice and threw it at the Geodude that just took an attack from Dratini. The Poké Ball hit the Pokémon and turned it into its energy state, making it able to fit inside the Poké Ball, which closed afterward. It shook a few times, but then it definitely closed.


“I did it! I caught a Geodude!” Brown shouted, but at that exact moment, Grey’s Dratini got hit by another attack from a Machop and fainted.


“Now is not the time to celebrate your first capture,” Grey said, "send it out, or the other Pokémon will start focusing on us!”


“Okay then,” Brown nervously said. “Go Geodude! Use Tackle!”


A few minutes later, when Brown successfully defeated the remaining Pokémon, Zane noticed something else, “An earthquake!”


“This isn’t a typical earthquake,” Grey claimed, “this one is caused by a Pokémon, but definitely not by a Geodude, they are too weak to do this. I guess this is the work of either a Graveler or a Dugtrio, maybe even a Rhyhorn.”


“Well, I’m not waiting to find that out, we should get away from here as fast as we can,” said Red, unintentionally giving Blue an opportunity to mock him.


Blue took his opportunity, ignoring the warning on Zane’s face, “What’s that Red, are you scared?"


Zane reacted to that before Red could, “Stop that Blue, you know we all are afraid, you too. For all we know there is a Rhyhorn charging at us right now.”


“Or it is just a Diglett.”


“You don’t know that.”


“Neither do you.”


“Zane! Blue! Stop arguing, we don’t have time for that,” Grey said. “I think Red is right, we have to go, now.”


“Too late, it is almost here,” Red looked scared. “I can hear it pushing the trees aside.”


Grey was already running towards a hiding place, “Get into the bushes!”


They all hid and waited until a ball of green, plated rocks rolled over the place where the five boys stood a few seconds ago. The ball stopped rolling when two arms and two legs of clay came out of it. After the wild Pokémon had stamped its feet on the ground to cause another earthquake, it looked around to find anyone hiding anywhere. Zane and his friends cursed when they realized that it was a Golem. The Golem was accompanied by lots of Geodude and Graveler, they were helping their leader in its search for the people who had dared to capture their congener.


“They’re going to find us,” Brown whispered, “we have to run!”


Grey didn’t agree, “If we move, they’ll see us and attack immediately, that won’t work.”


“But if we stay here, they’ll find us,” Blue whispered, “that won’t be any better. If we run, we might actually have a chance.”


Zane wanted to react, but suddenly, a new voice distracted them and the wild Pokémon, “Hey you, Golem, take this! Pinsir, use Focus Punch. Arcanine, prepare for Solar Beam!”


It was a trainer, trying to defeat the Golem and its companions. A Graveler ran towards the Pinsir to break its focus but was pushed away by another Pokémon.


“Well done Poliwrath! Keep using Low Sweep to protect Pinsir!”


The man ran towards the bushes where Zane and his friends were hiding, “You guys, come with me, those Pokémon are now focussed on my Pokémon, but they can’t keep those Rock Types busy for much more than a minute or two.”


The five friends followed him, without thinking about who the man was or how he knew they were hiding in the bushes, but only about getting away from the Golem as fast as they could.


“I think we’re safe,” said the man. “We can stop running.”


The six stayed on an open field so that there was enough place to run to for if the Golem found them again. Zane got his first good look at their rescuer, he was a middle-aged man with black hair and a long, brown coat.


“So, let me start by asking you for your names," the man said. "Let’s begin with you there, the black-haired one.”


“My name is Brown, sir.”


“Okay, I’ll try to remember. What about you, the brown-haired boy?”


“Zane, my name is Zane.”


“Now you over there, the white-haired guy.”


“The name’s Grey.”


“And you there, with the orange hair?”


“Why would I tell you my name?” Blue asked, “I don’t even know yours.”


The others looked at him with anger clearly in their eyes, but the man remained calm, “Apart from the fact that I probably saved your lives a minute ago, you do indeed have no reason to trust me. I won’t tell you my real name, for I am the only one who knows it, but I have been given a codename, 100 KR. My job is to protect the Kantonian people from any danger, like that Golem with its aides. We have reasons to believe that someone or a group of people is setting some incredibly powerful Pokémon loose around the main towns and cities in Kanto. I can’t tell you anything else about it yet, it’s classified information.”


At that moment, the bushes behind them started rustling, and a Pokémon jumped out of it.


“Don’t worry, it’s just a Raticate,” 100 KR said. “My Pokémon haven’t returned yet, so you there, Grey, could you use your Dratini to defeat it?”


“No, sorry, it fainted.”


“What about the Geodude? I saw a Geodude battle against the other wild Pokémon, my guess is that one of you caught it.”


“I did,” Brown said, “but it is too weak to battle.”


“Wait a second,” 100 KR said, while he reached into one of the pockets of his coat, “if I recall correctly, I still have some Potions with me.” He pulled a small spray bottle with a purple liquid in it, "here it is, let me see that Geodude of yours."


Brown sent out Geodude, and 100 KR sprayed the Potion on the Pokémon. Geodude seemed completely fine again afterward, so Brown told it to use Tackle to defeat the Raticate.


“Guys,” Blue started, “there is a flock of Spearow flying towards us, and they don’t look friendly.”


“We have to run again,” said 100 KR, “now!”


While trying to escape the Pokémon, Zane noticed that there weren’t only Spearow, but also Pidgey and Beedrill trying to get to them.


Grey saw it too, “We have to go back into the forest, those Pokémon won’t be able to attack us there.” But as they ran through the woods, they were chased by other Pokémon.


“What have you done to anger all those Pokémon?” 100KR asked, but before anyone could answer him, they noticed something was approaching them from the direction they were running into, but there was no time left to turn around. They waited in terror to see which Pokémon would appear, but there wasn’t any reason to. It, or rather they, were the three Pokémon that 100 KR used to defeat Golem.


“Good,” he said, “I need you to attack those wild Pokémon, Poliwrath takes care of the Geodude, Arcanine attacks the Paras and Bellsprout, and Pinsir takes on the Nidoran. You five should run now, maybe we’ll meet again, but for now, goodbye.”


“Good luck,” Zane shouted back, after which the friends ran away.


When they were finally nearing the main route, Brown said, “Okay Zane, I must admit, that was indeed a terrible idea. Sorry.”


Zane ignored his apology, “I’m glad we got out of there unharmed. If it weren't for 100 KR, those Geodude and Graveler would’ve found us. Do you think we will actually ever see him again?”


“I hope so, maybe I can challenge him to a battle if I have my own Pokémon by then," Blue responded.


“Is that seriously everything you can think about right now?” Red replied.


“At least I know how to battle.”


Grey interrupted them, “Could you not deride Red with everything he says, you’d not only get on his nerves but also on mine and probably Zane’s and Brown’s too.”


Everyone was silent after this, but Zane dared to break the silence a few minutes later, “Do you think 100 KR was right about that Golem?”


“How do you mean?” Grey asked.


“Well,” Zane explained, “he said that he thought there was someone who set Pokémon like that Golem loose, do you think that his theory is correct?”


“I believe that they just escaped from the dangerous places around the region, like Victory Road and the deeper caves of Mt. Moon,” said Brown.


Red thought something else, “If they escaped from those places, I think the guards would’ve noticed them. The Cinnabar Volcano, Cerulean Cave, all of them have guards to warn the people if a Pokémon escaped. I think 100 KR was right.”


“Are you really that ignorant, those guards are never paying attention, they’re too lazy to. Kinda reminds me of you, Red.”


Blue looked at Red to see how angry he’d get, but before he could react, Grey interrupted, “How would you know that? You have never even gone farther than Viridian City. I think it's better when the two of you don't say anything, that way, there won't be any more arguments between you.”


Red and Blue didn’t say a word the rest of the path, like Grey told them to, while the other three were talking about things like what other Pokémon could’ve been encountered by 100 KR, who he worked for and stuff like that. At some point during their conversation, the subject under discussion became their favorite Pokémon.


It was Brown who started, “No doubt about it, Poliwrath is my favorite. You know what it looks like, right?”


Zane and Grey nodded, so Brown continued, “Almost its whole body is made of muscles, I am sure that it can beat the best human swimmer in the world without even a tiny bit of trouble.”


“That is right,” Grey said, “but I still like Arcanine more. If I ever encounter a Growlithe, I will definitely catch it and then evolve it as quickly as possible. Just listen to this, Arcanine can run 6,200 miles in only one day and one night, nothing can beat that. Zane, which one is your favorite?”


“I think it’s Rhydon, its hide can protect it from lava, and its horn can even drill through diamond.”


Zane wanted to further explain his choice, but Brown interrupted him because they had reached the end of the forest, “It looks like we’ve found the main Route back, so I’ll have to leave you.” The others told him goodbye, and Brown went to Viridian City, to the north, while the other four went southward to Pallet Town.


Zane and Grey talked for a few more minutes, but when they fell silent, it was Blue who decided to talk again, “I think Blastoise is the best of them all.”


“Oh, he can also talk, I almost forgot,” Zane joked. “What about you Red? Which one is your favorite?”


“Definitely Charizard, it just looks amazing.”


“And it is, of course, weak to Blas..” that was the straw that broke the camel’s back, Grey exploded, “Don’t even think about saying that! You know that will start another argument between the two of you, and you’ve already had too many of them! Now don’t you dare to say anything else, or I’ll tell your grandfather about this!”


The last bit of the route was completely silent because Grey was too exasperated to talk, Blue was too afraid to, and Zane and Red didn’t want to aggravate the situation. Back in Pallet Town, Red and Blue went their own ways to their homes, in the northern part of the town, and the other two walked farther down south.


As they were walking the last few steps towards the crossing, Zane finally said something to Grey, “Those two really detest each other, don’t they.”


“They definitely do, but there’s nothing we can do about it.”


“I guess you’re right.”


Suddenly, they heard a voice behind them, “Grey, there you are, and Zane too!”


“Yellow, you are just coming back from Green’s, aren’t you?” Grey asked.


“Yes, Kiara was there too, we’ve spent the day on the playground near the Professor’s Lab. How about you?”


Grey told his sister that he’d tell her about his time at dinner when their parents could also listen to it so that he could say goodbye to Zane, “I’ll see you tomorrow, but we are not going into the forest anymore.”


“I fully agree on that. See you in the morning!”


“Goodbye!”
 
Last edited:
I'm not going to be beaten to first review on this one.

There's actually nothing wrong with the technical stuff, though I will mention - and this isn't wrong - that you don't need to format dialogue with a colon if it comes after another sentence. If the sentence tells the reader who's speaking next, you can just end it with a full stop and put the dialogue right next to it:

Josh glanced up from building the fire. "Rather like this example here."

I'll be honest, stylistically it does leave a lot to be desired. The narrative in general is on the stiff side - not normally a huge problem, but when it comes to the action sequences they come across as lists of events (I'll come back to that later). The problem carries over into the dialogue. The protagonists are described as kids, but they certainly don't talk like kids. I don't remember the last time I heard a kid say "undoubtedly", put it that way.

The good news is that when it comes to the dialogue it's a relatively simple fix, insofar as you just need to start sounding out the sentences. Saying them out loud is a pretty good way of figuring out whether the vocabulary sounds natural, where the pauses and ends of sentences should be, etc. You'll be much more able to get away with stiff narrative if the dialogue works.

When it comes to action sequences I think the best advice I can give is to study the ones that you think work best, and emulate the tricks that work. I'd especially pay attention to how they're set up and what information is given - a lot of the action in this chapter effectively comes out of nowhere.
 
Please note: The thread is from 9 years ago.
Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
Back
Top Bottom