ninjapenguin981
New Member
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2009
- Messages
- 19
- Reaction score
- 0
I thought I might as well have a go at the whole fan-fiction thing so here is my 2nd attempt at a Chapter 1. Constructive criticism please on what I can improve on etc.
Barry held onto the back of Staraptor tightly as he soared over the Sinnoh region. This magnificent bird’s wings spanned out beside him, wind rippling the feathers as they flew, the red crest of Staraptor’s head battered by the elements.
“When we arrive, you’re going to get some much earned rest” he assured. Down below Barry could see many of the trainers that he had fought during his adventure. Checking his Pokéballs at his waist he instructed Staraptor to swoop down towards the town below. The bird let out a large screech and shot forwards through a small crop of clouds and landed. Barry clambered off the its back,
“Staraptor return,” he said holding out its Pokéball while a beam of red light shot from the centre.
It had been a many years since he had last visited his home town of Twinleaf, and he wondered how Lucas, his mother and the other residents of the village were doing. Twinleaf was a small town, with only a few inhabitants, there wasn’t even a Mart let alone a Pokécentre or a police station. Although, nearby, was a lake which was said to be home to the legendary Pokémon, Mesprit, the being of emotion. There were many tales of the three beings, but few had ever actually seen them.
Barry slowly walked towards his front door when a small child came racing towards him crying at the top of his voice.
“Help!” he screamed. Just behind him a wild Starly was speeding into a quick attack.
“Jump!” Barry yelled as he pulled a white ball from his belt.
“Come on out, Raticate,” he called out. The child continued to sprint around and around trying to escape from the Pokémon. Barry sensed something was wrong. Starly were usually docile creatures, and rarely attacked humans for no reason. This one seemed vicious, almost as if there was some force driving it to attack.
Raticate responded to Barry’s instruction immediately and shot forward with a streak of white light.
“Now, super-fang!”
The Raticate lunged forwards at the flying Pokémon, but for some reason he was just too slow. Starly proceeded to use double team to evade the rapid succession of attacks Raticate was pulling off. By this time the small child had fled indoors, allowing Starly to turn it’s full attention onto Raticate. Starly began to fly upwards, and then looped around into an aerial ace, a dive bomb where the user pulls up at the last second. Raticate was blown back with the force. This Starly seemed too strong for this area of Sinnoh.
“Quick! Get up!” Barry exclaimed. Raticate was in a heap on the floor, stunned from the aerial ace.
“Now, giga-impact!” Raticate shot forward at great speed in a spiral of purple and orange light.
However, at this moment the Starling Pokémon vanished into thin air. Raticate, in mid attack, missed its target and hit the floor face first. Barry ran over to his injured Pokémon, picked it up and returned it to the Pokéball from which it had come. Barry looked around for the wild Pokémon, but could not see it anywhere. He decided to continue towards his home, assuming the Starly had just fled. It was beginning to get dark, and a mist was settling over the town. There was no-one around and the lights in the rest of the town were out.
When he opened the door, it was pitch black. He retrieved a torch from his backpack and scanned the room with it. The furniture had been upturned, and most of the china had broken and was strewn across the floor, as if someone had been franticly looking for something.
“Mom?!” he cried. No reply. He ran upstairs, and was confronted with a similar scene. His bedding was on the floor, the pillows ripped open. The Piplup doll he had received for Christmas a couple of years ago was the same way. Barry walked over towards his desk, hoping his computer was still there. It was not. However, there was a note. It began:
To whom it may concern:
But the rest of the paper was faded, and he could not make out what it said. Stuffing the paper into his trouser pocket and leaving the room, he began to wonder what the hell was going on. It was getting late, so he quickly descended the stairs and ran outside. He went to the house that the child had disappeared into. It was the smallest in the village, yet it loomed up in front of him, the windows like giant eyes glaring down at him. The door creaked as it was opened, and Barry half expected to be bombarded by a fleet of Zubat. The fate of this house was the same as his own. He searched the room for the child that had come in here, but he could not find him.
Panicking, Barry raced outside, the mist now turning to fog. The rest of the houses were also deserted, and he was wondering what was going on. Barry sat down on the grass and gazed up at the sky. A meteor shower was in session and they shot across the sky like arcs of ice. He came to a realisation that he could not do anything in this light, let alone get to Sandgem town, the closest town, which was at least 2 miles away. His Pokémon were tired and he needed to get them to a Pokécentre soon. That would have to wait until morning though, and so would his investigation into the disappearance of the townsfolk.
Returning to his house for the second time tonight, a glint in the grass caught his eye. It appeared to be some sort of small electronic device, in the shape of a shield. “Someone must’ve dropped it here,” he thought, and he put it in his pocket.
When he arrived back at the house he looked at his Pokétch. 11:23. Where had the time gone? The ripped bedding made it an almost impossible task to get warm, and get to sleep. Barry shone his torch over the walls and ceiling, for familiarity. He could not get to sleep, and he was cold. The wind had picked up since he got home and it howled around the outside of the house. He felt extremely lonely, after looking forward to seeing his friends and family again, he didn’t want to imagine to what had happened to them, but in this loneliness he felt something. There was a presence in the room. Hairs on his back shot up and he sat up in the bed. His eyes darted around and around looking at each and every corner in the room, searching for the thing that he knew was here.
Suddenly a wave of warmth flowed threw him and he felt himself slip back into the bed, and begin to drift off to sleep. Barry tried to fight it, but it was no use. Barry was asleep, and the thing in his room began to draw closer.
The Legend of Barry
A Pokémon Fan Fiction
Chapter 1 – The Return Home
A Pokémon Fan Fiction
Chapter 1 – The Return Home
Barry held onto the back of Staraptor tightly as he soared over the Sinnoh region. This magnificent bird’s wings spanned out beside him, wind rippling the feathers as they flew, the red crest of Staraptor’s head battered by the elements.
“When we arrive, you’re going to get some much earned rest” he assured. Down below Barry could see many of the trainers that he had fought during his adventure. Checking his Pokéballs at his waist he instructed Staraptor to swoop down towards the town below. The bird let out a large screech and shot forwards through a small crop of clouds and landed. Barry clambered off the its back,
“Staraptor return,” he said holding out its Pokéball while a beam of red light shot from the centre.
It had been a many years since he had last visited his home town of Twinleaf, and he wondered how Lucas, his mother and the other residents of the village were doing. Twinleaf was a small town, with only a few inhabitants, there wasn’t even a Mart let alone a Pokécentre or a police station. Although, nearby, was a lake which was said to be home to the legendary Pokémon, Mesprit, the being of emotion. There were many tales of the three beings, but few had ever actually seen them.
Barry slowly walked towards his front door when a small child came racing towards him crying at the top of his voice.
“Help!” he screamed. Just behind him a wild Starly was speeding into a quick attack.
“Jump!” Barry yelled as he pulled a white ball from his belt.
“Come on out, Raticate,” he called out. The child continued to sprint around and around trying to escape from the Pokémon. Barry sensed something was wrong. Starly were usually docile creatures, and rarely attacked humans for no reason. This one seemed vicious, almost as if there was some force driving it to attack.
Raticate responded to Barry’s instruction immediately and shot forward with a streak of white light.
“Now, super-fang!”
The Raticate lunged forwards at the flying Pokémon, but for some reason he was just too slow. Starly proceeded to use double team to evade the rapid succession of attacks Raticate was pulling off. By this time the small child had fled indoors, allowing Starly to turn it’s full attention onto Raticate. Starly began to fly upwards, and then looped around into an aerial ace, a dive bomb where the user pulls up at the last second. Raticate was blown back with the force. This Starly seemed too strong for this area of Sinnoh.
“Quick! Get up!” Barry exclaimed. Raticate was in a heap on the floor, stunned from the aerial ace.
“Now, giga-impact!” Raticate shot forward at great speed in a spiral of purple and orange light.
However, at this moment the Starling Pokémon vanished into thin air. Raticate, in mid attack, missed its target and hit the floor face first. Barry ran over to his injured Pokémon, picked it up and returned it to the Pokéball from which it had come. Barry looked around for the wild Pokémon, but could not see it anywhere. He decided to continue towards his home, assuming the Starly had just fled. It was beginning to get dark, and a mist was settling over the town. There was no-one around and the lights in the rest of the town were out.
When he opened the door, it was pitch black. He retrieved a torch from his backpack and scanned the room with it. The furniture had been upturned, and most of the china had broken and was strewn across the floor, as if someone had been franticly looking for something.
“Mom?!” he cried. No reply. He ran upstairs, and was confronted with a similar scene. His bedding was on the floor, the pillows ripped open. The Piplup doll he had received for Christmas a couple of years ago was the same way. Barry walked over towards his desk, hoping his computer was still there. It was not. However, there was a note. It began:
To whom it may concern:
But the rest of the paper was faded, and he could not make out what it said. Stuffing the paper into his trouser pocket and leaving the room, he began to wonder what the hell was going on. It was getting late, so he quickly descended the stairs and ran outside. He went to the house that the child had disappeared into. It was the smallest in the village, yet it loomed up in front of him, the windows like giant eyes glaring down at him. The door creaked as it was opened, and Barry half expected to be bombarded by a fleet of Zubat. The fate of this house was the same as his own. He searched the room for the child that had come in here, but he could not find him.
Panicking, Barry raced outside, the mist now turning to fog. The rest of the houses were also deserted, and he was wondering what was going on. Barry sat down on the grass and gazed up at the sky. A meteor shower was in session and they shot across the sky like arcs of ice. He came to a realisation that he could not do anything in this light, let alone get to Sandgem town, the closest town, which was at least 2 miles away. His Pokémon were tired and he needed to get them to a Pokécentre soon. That would have to wait until morning though, and so would his investigation into the disappearance of the townsfolk.
Returning to his house for the second time tonight, a glint in the grass caught his eye. It appeared to be some sort of small electronic device, in the shape of a shield. “Someone must’ve dropped it here,” he thought, and he put it in his pocket.
When he arrived back at the house he looked at his Pokétch. 11:23. Where had the time gone? The ripped bedding made it an almost impossible task to get warm, and get to sleep. Barry shone his torch over the walls and ceiling, for familiarity. He could not get to sleep, and he was cold. The wind had picked up since he got home and it howled around the outside of the house. He felt extremely lonely, after looking forward to seeing his friends and family again, he didn’t want to imagine to what had happened to them, but in this loneliness he felt something. There was a presence in the room. Hairs on his back shot up and he sat up in the bed. His eyes darted around and around looking at each and every corner in the room, searching for the thing that he knew was here.
Suddenly a wave of warmth flowed threw him and he felt himself slip back into the bed, and begin to drift off to sleep. Barry tried to fight it, but it was no use. Barry was asleep, and the thing in his room began to draw closer.
Last edited: