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the long road to po town <--


disgusted with the trashy man
Aug 2, 2023
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  1. He/Him
"Hell is where the heart is."

After a while, don't you get sick of there being so many "you"s and not knowing what to do with them? It's hard to decide which is more annoying, not having a stable sense of self or struggling to come up with a way to find it.

Yet saying "this is definitely me" is not helpful when you're not sure if it's true or not. I have accepted that discovering who I really am is an ongoing journey, and that's okay!

But I'm dragging you, my grunts, along for the ride.

I want to approach this differently than I have in the past. I'll let you truly get to know the man behind the ever-rotating avatars, because you deserve that. Here in this little corner of Bulbagarden, I have ground my fears to dust.

I may not know my true form yet, and I know not how much skin I have left to shed, but I will stay as true to myself here as I can.

So, why not start with an introduction?

If you know me, you've seen me around as guzmania (as in, the flower from which Guzma Pokémon's name is derived from). You may or may not know my real name, which is Felix. I'm a fairly average guy, except for when I'm not. I like weightlifting and writing fanfic about heavy topics and hacking the living daylight out of things. I'm from Chicago. I have three dogs, despite being allergic to them. I have a soda addiction that I'm trying to kick. Pokémon is always near and dear to me, but I tend to accidentally advertise my hyperfixations as they come and go.

But I'm not gonna tell you everything right now, because where's the fun in that?

I'll be updating this every so often (a minimum of once a week) with the latest news and fun facts, because if you're reading this, I probably would consider you to be my friend or at least a good acquaintance, so why not share stuff with you? At the very least... you can all get to know me better, which is what I'd love for you to do, and if you want to drop in and say hi, maybe I'll learn something about you in turn.

(Which leads me to the next thing -- if you wanna comment on something, ask a question, or whatever else comes to mind, do it! Don't be shy; at least part of me is ultimately a social creature, and I love love love interacting with others. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. Roads go both ways! I don't wanna talk at you, I wanna talk with you. So, go on, as long as you want to.)

This isn't really just a blog or an AMA or whatever. It's a whole journey. And anyone who wants to take it with me is invited.


Okay, that's a lie. Kind of. But also not really. Once today wraps up, there will be seven more days of classes for me to attend before this semester (and all the pain that comes with it) comes to a close. But that doesn't account for the weekends, so it's really like, nine days. But it equates to a week straight of class, so, one week. Right?

(Close enough...)

As excited as I am to break free for the twoish months allotted to me, I'm also burdened with this little sense of dread, because this is my Last Ever summer break, which is obviously terrifying and I fear is going to weigh on me the whole time. Also the whole "egads! My last ever and I don't even know how to spend it" thing.

But there's not really a concrete answer to that, you know? Realistically speaking, I will roll with the punches and wait to see what each day brings, but I have a bad habit of living in the future and thus my anxiety is giving me a pretty hard time regarding this situation.

Well hey. I have a therapist for a reason. I'll see her in two weeks from this Saturday! That's a great thing!

(Not the wait, but she's entitled to a vacation every so often.)

To sate myself in the meantime, I have decided to come up with a list of goals for the summer.

So far, it looks like this:

1. Improve at art

Alright, I know that this is a REALLY underwhelming-looking list of goals, considering it's actually only one goal, but I assure you it is a more difficult task than it seems, primarily because I absolutely suck at art and I'm going to have to haul ass to reach "mildly presentable" status by the end of summer, which is what I would like to do.

Yet! I know with the appropriate amount of hard work and practice, I can do it. Because that's how humans work; when you work hard and practice, you improve at things. So what if I'll have to work harder and practice more than most? It'll be worth it! Worth it for the sake of figuring out how shoulders work!!

I will show you all the fruit of my labor, but only when the appropriate time comes, which will probably be at least a few months from now. Though I am half-tempted to post some of my current pieces here, if not just so I can mock them unrelentingly while you all read my scathing reviews in varying states of discomfort. But bringing people discomfort isn't what I have in mind, and I can't quite help myself when it comes to bullying my artwork, so refrain I shall.

As for my next subject of the day.

Does anyone else here really love Gen 6?!

Because I really love Gen 6

Remember, everyone, it brought us the following things:

  • Professor Sycamore
  • Mega Evolution
  • which also means Mega Absol, Audino, Lopunny, Altaria, and Beedrill specifically
  • the Poké-Amie
  • Sylveon
  • Hoenn 3D remakes
  • the DexNav Plus and all of the wonderful, wonderful things that came with it
  • the introduction of Lisia and Zinnia (admittedly into a world that they are too good for)
  • Hoenn revisit
    [*]3D Steven (whom I love)
    [*]the rest of the Hoenn cast also in 3D. I love the Hoenn cast, but especially Steven
  • Wallace's awesome fucking redesign
  • Swirlix
  • the overall highest-quality Fire starter line
  • Contest Spectaculars
  • Mega Absol, which is worth mentioning twice
  • Team Magma/Aqua's A+ makeovers
  • Lumiose City... no, I didn't play XY on launch, how could you tell?
  • the best character (OUTFIT) customization in the series
  • absolutely gorgeous music
  • the ability to bike in Pacifidlog Town
  • Hoenn again, but specifically a version of Hoenn where you can use Pokémon from Gens 4-6 which have some of the best ones
  • man, do you remember when Skitty was part of the regional dex? I miss those days. Luckily it's right here in Gen 6!
  • Wally! Such an awesome new addition to the storyli- wait, you mean he was in the originals as well? Nonsense! Why don't you go ahead and prove... oh, he was... huh, weird.
  • (Wally becoming more relevant to the game)
  • the nerfing of the Steel type
  • wait no, that's not a good thing, I fucking love the Steel type. At least it's strong against Fairy types. Wait no, that's not a good thing either, I fucking love Fairy types.
  • ...more balanced gameplay
  • the introduction of the EXP share, which I maintain is a GREAT thing. Blame LGPE for making it mandatory, not XY.
  • also XY in general, Kalos is great!
  • definitely not the Furfrou puzzle though
  • awesome transitions to 3D for the most part! Lovely new sprites for almost everyone.

I'm looking for people who like XY and ORAS... I really love XY and ORAS. I forgot what this post was about, actually. A little help, pretty please?
1. Improve at art

Alright, I know that this is a REALLY underwhelming-looking list of goals, considering it's actually only one goal, but I assure you it is a more difficult task than it seems, primarily because I absolutely suck at art and I'm going to have to haul ass to reach "mildly presentable" status by the end of summer, which is what I would like to do.
Good luck with your art improvement journey!! Art sucks sometimes (more often than not, actually) and it takes a lot of time until you feel a little bit satisfied with it. But luckily, literally everyone (or most people haha) feels the same! Sharing your art with people you trust helps a lot, believe me. Asking for criticism is such a valuable tool to have, don't be afraid to use it! By the way, I have some art resources that might interest you:
  • Marc Brunet's Art School, he's a professional artist who teaches free on Youtube! His classes are very entertaining and if you have a problem, he probably has a video about it. I really like that you can see his own process in the video, that way you passively learn while watching AND listening!
  • Winged Canvas, another 'online art school' if you want to call it that way, haha. The hosts are very likeable and their art is very diverse, there's a lot of inspiration to gather!
  • Drawfee's Drawclass, actually the entirety of Drawfee, they make drawing so much fun.
  • Naoki Saito's channel, although you need to activate subtitles if you don't know japanese X) His fixing art videos are ENLIGHTENING, I always learn something from them.
And please, please, PLEASE, have fun while drawing! Sometimes you practise so much that you forget that drawing is supposed to be fun X( If you want to draw something, do it! No matter how 'ugly' you might think it'll turn out to be.

(PD: Gen 6 is awesome, I'm so excited for Legends ZA >v<)
  • Thread starter
  • Staff
  • #4
"I miss the one I knew before. Please bring me back to him."
I'm sorry I deleted your draft. I promise that if you ever come back here, you can write whatever you want. I know how scary it must be, and a lot of the time I feel lost too. But even if we'll never meet, I'll still cheer you on from wherever I am, okay?

And now it is one week. That's such an odd feeling that makes me feel both warm and cold inside. I'll finally have the time to (hopefully) find the answers I seek to the questions I've not been able to ask, but that means I have more time to contemplate the possible, probable, and painful: what happens if I can't? If I can't find or figure out what it is I want... need... I don't know.

I think I'll boil over if I have to go much longer without learning the truth of which it is that I seek - which is something I may or may not tell you about at a later date - yet I don't know if boiling over will kill me or not. The red oni is supposed to be fireproof, right? :enzap:

But I can't always be him, because sometimes he hides, and when that part of me hides nothing and nobody but himself can get him to come out. And that's okay, because dragons need a lot of space, and sometimes solitude as well.

He deserves rest, so I'm not mad, but I feel helpless because sometimes I feel as if I can only ever channel his spirit when I least need it. I can be that brash, cocky, bold person out there, but as soon as I have to face something alone... I'm just Felix. And Felix is only strong enough to keep himself afloat, not to succeed at anything.

This brings me to my current concern: should I absorb him into me, have him become me but with that spark I need so badly? Should I work to be, at best, an undercooked version of him? Do I let him consume me? How do I convince him to help me with any of this?!

Sometimes I worry that the only people who love us are each other. It's a stupid, unfounded fear. But I do wish I was closer to my friends, that I was better at showing them I care and better at communicating with them and better at getting to know them. He wants that too, and he blames himself for this happening because he believes that it's his part of "me" that drives people away.

Still, I guess because he is me, the rest of me blames him too, at least subconsciously. I feel horrible about that, though, because I really don't think it's his fault. It's just Felix who needs to improve.

And since my break is just about here, I'll have the time for that. I just hope I can pull it off.

Yet in the meantime, I really will try my best to crawl (and punch, and kick) my way to the top.

I love you. See you soon.
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