The Once and Future Champ

[GoneGuy]

Haigh! Well, I've been thinking about writing something and posting it here in the Fiction Fairground for some time, but felt a little nervous. So today, I throw caution to the wind with my first story - 'The Once and Future Champ.'

A journey fic - with a mature slant - 'The Once and Future Champ' tells the tale of a young Trainer, who wants to make a name for himself, leaving home to start his journey in a world which is torn by prejudices.

I hope you enjoy the story, and any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

Le meas,
Airt

Chapter Index
Chapter 1 - A Semblance of Honour​

 

[GoneGuy]

Chapter 1​

A Semblance of Honour​

“Would you please stop tapping? You’re making me nervous.”

The hollow sound stopped: “Sorry,” Lock said, “Force of habit.”

Lock hadn’t realised he was tapping on the counter top as he waited. He turned away from the desk to avoid the nurse’s gaze.

The elderly nurse sitting at the computer, hitting each button with abandon, was a stout, petulant-looking women. Her greying, pink hair and unfriendly appearance had greeted Lock when he first arrived at the Whitefair Pokémon Centre four days ago, and in those four days no ice had been cut between them.

She had a sharp tongue which loved nothing more than insulting those who came from lower-class families. A Trainer would arrive early in the morning – much like Lock had arrived four days previously – with a smile and a pleasant manner that would soon be worn away. She sat behind her computer filling in reports and charts, spitting insults at the Trainers about their hometown or their starters.

More than once did Lock stand on the opposite end of the counter to talk to a Joy who was at least happy to listen. He would keep to that side or avoid the counter until someone other than that greying devil came out from the backroom.

Today, however, he was not so lucky.

“One would think you had no manners whatsoever with all the noise you’re making!”

Lock tuned out as she spoke, glancing across the Pokémon Centre’s reception. Why me and why now? He met the gazes of other Trainers who had been in the same situation with the nurse and they looked on sympathetically as Pompous Priscilla really blabbed on and on.

She had been given the name Pompous Priscilla by a farm boy, who had visited the Centre to heal his Pokémon before continuing on to the Whitefair Markets. Priscilla had been very disapproving of the young man’s dirt-stained appearance and feculent hair which had snagged branches and leafs from the trees of Wormwood, earning her a nickname which spread throughout Whitefair like fire.

Lock continued to ignore the women as she rambled on about ‘peasants’ and ‘riffraff’ coming into the Pokémon Centre. Priscilla longed for some illustrious company, and instead had to wait on those who believed that doctors and nurses could put scrambled eggs back in their shells, crying and complaining when their beloved Pokémon were injured by others in battle.

Lock found it hard to believe the volume of Trainers who had passed through Whitefair with burned, poisoned, or – as it was with most cases – fainted Pokémon. These Trainers were barely kids and yet whoever they were fighting certainly weren’t treating them like it.

Tearful children would burst through the doors carrying with them their Pokémon and beg the nurses to help. This ‘riffraff’ would be turned away by the Centre if it wasn’t for the compassion of the younger members of the Joy family.

It was a truth universally known that the Joys were powerful and affluent, and the only people allowed to work within a Pokémon Centre. Lock hated this rule. He knew many young kids from his home village of Summerdale who would have killed even to stand in the corner of a Pokémon Centre and observe. But, that wasn’t the way the Despots liked it and therefore nobody without a connection to the Joys were allowed to wear the Centre’s pin.
All aristocratic members of society wore a gold pin embedded with a jewel to demonstrate their wealth and power. The Joys wore a pin embedded with pink crystal. Lock had fumed many times seeing Priscilla and other younger Joys polishing theirs pins and shouting about how beautiful they were. They wouldn’t be wearing them if they had to mine those jewels for themselves.

“Tappy? Are you even listening to me?” an adenoidal voice said.

“Wha?” Lock replied, turning back towards the nurses’ station slightly surprised. Priscilla was staring across the counter at Lock, waving a docket back-and-fourth like a little flag. Lock hadn’t heard his name being called as he was so preoccupied with blocking out the women.

“Is your name Lock?”

“Yeah, that’s me.” He was hoping the nurse had come over to give back his Pokémon or even give him his room key for the evening, which he had yet to collect. He had left the key with the nurses because he wasn’t sure if he was going to stay the night or not. He was half a mile outside the town when Luxio got hurt and he had to turn back. “Sorry, my mind was elsewhere.”

“Well, drag it back into reality! You’re wasting my time,” she snapped. “I’ve been standing here like a fool talking to the air, thinking you were listening to what I had to say, and now I have to repeat myself.”

Lock held his hands up and apologised. Priscilla was dancing on his last good nerve, with what seemed like intent. If every Trainer that Priscilla spoke to had to deal with her condescension and unswerving sense of self-importance, Lock found it hard to believe that she was still allowed to be a nurse.

“See, you’re not listening again! I am asking you a question. Is your name really Lock?”

“Yeah, but it’s more of a …”

“Really? What kind of name is Lock! No proper Despot child would have a name like Lock.”

“My name’s Jason Lockwood, but everyone …”

“Proles will be naming their children after other doorway components soon. Here come Handle and Hinge, the twins! Ridiculous!”

Lock couldn’t stop the women. She spoke over every word he said. She gave him no time to speak, no time to explain, not a word in edgeways. He was so close to letting Pompous Priscilla know that everybody called her Pompous Priscilla, but he bit his tongue. Whether Lock liked her or not was of no importance, he could only be so bold and go so far. The Pokémon Centre was the only place in Whitefair for Proles – the lower class majority of society - to stay and he didn’t want to be sleeping outside on the mud-caked streets because he annoyed the nurse holding his bedroom key.

“You wanted to tell me something.”

Priscilla stopped mid-sentence and glanced back over the docket. “That’s right,” she said, “We just wanted to let you know that your Pokémon – a Luxio, is it? – seems to be quiet reluctant to allow any of the staff to use a Burn Heal? Is this common?”

Lock quickly focused on Priscilla’s words. Why would the nurses be using a Burn Heal? Lock had told the teenage nurse that Luxio was allergic to some medications when she had taken Lock’s Pokéball, particularly modern medicine which can be bought in Poké Marts. If Luxio’s burn could’ve been healed with a single spray he wouldn’t have even given him to the nurses. He would’ve healed Luxio himself.

“They give him rashes.”

“I’m sorry, what was that?”

“Burn Heals,” Lock spat, “They give Luxio a rash. We used a Potion to heal up a small wound he had gotten as a Shinx and in the next hour he was covered in red, stinging blotches. Doctors say he’s allergic to them. Well, the chemicals. In aerosols. That means, no Potions, or Burn Heals, or anything else.”
Priscilla listened with a furrowed brow. It must have been the first time she listened properly to Lock since he had arrived. She grabbed a pen from beside the computer and scribbled notes on the back of the docket.

“Red blotches - urticaria probably. And, has this happened often?”

“No. I’ve been using berries ever since. I brought him here because I didn’t have any rawst berries. On top of that, I warned your nurses about this…”

“We understand your concern.” Priscilla interrupted with a flick of her hand. She took the docket and a small, black book from the counter and began walking off to the backroom. “Keep an eye on the board above the station. Luxio should be healed before nightfall.”

Lock was sick of Priscilla’s attitude by this stage. She was treating him like the dirt beneath her feet. He was more than that. He was a person. Deserving of equality, a little human decency, a semblance of honour could be shown.

“Excuse me! Can I have my key?” he shouted after her.

Priscilla rolled her eyes and mumbled more about Proles. She opened a drawer beneath the computer and took a leather bound key from the rack inside. Smiling another fake, Joy smile, she hurled the key over the counter. Lock missed it as it sailed towards him and it skipped across the floor with a metallic echo.

Lock dropped to his knees. He searched on his belly for the key, crawling around like a Caterpie to look beneath the chairs and tables. Stupid Priscilla! He could hear her nasally laughter from his position under the closest settee as she went into the backroom. She would want to take good of Luxio.

He spent valuable time looking under the furniture for his key, looking at the board to check on Luxio’s status, and looking to see which Trainer had started laughing at him without offering a hand. The world Lock lived in had said goodbye to most good-humoured pleasantries and a neighbourly helping hand three-hundred years ago when the first Lord Horace came to power as Champion. Since then the aristocracy had bloomed and taken control of society. They owned every Gym, every well-functioning establishment and the most beautiful parts of the towns, cities and countryside. They left labour and hard work to those they deemed beneath them, and satirised those who tried to climb the social ladder through Pokémon training.

“Finally,” Lock muttered as his fingers brushed against the leather of the key. He pulled on the strap, freeing it from the darkness beneath the fourth settee. With the key in his hand, Lock rolled back on his haunches to a roar of applause from a group of grubby Trainers.

He smiled. To get them off his back. Lock didn’t feel like smiling. He was annoyed and wanted to leave this Centre in his wake. He wanted to get away from his Prole lifestyle and make a name for himself, possessing a good fortune when he next passed through Whitefair. He wanted to go right to the top. Lock was going to be Champion. No Prole had been Champion in three-hundred years, not since Augustus Horace became Champion all those years ago.

Taking one last look at the board, he took to his room to make sure he had enough supplies and rations for the road tomorrow. Tomorrow was the start of Lock’s real life.

 

[Beth Pavell]

Well, I think it's only fair I get you started since you've taken the time to comment on my story

Technical Accuracy/Style
Nothing wrong here! Your prose flows very nicely, neither beige nor purple - good stuff. Apart from that comment there's not a lot for me to critique here, so keep up the good work I suppose

Story
An interesting take on the world. I assume it's an entirely invented region, though it occurs to me that it could well be an adaptation of an existing region. Either way, the worldbuilding in this chapter is ok. You give a sense of what the world is going to be like without masses of exposition. If there's a problem here I suppose it's that I have a hard time imagining the time period here. Between the talk of modern medicines and farmboys, it's a bit blurry in my head as to whether it's modern, early modern etc etc

The class divide seems a bit melodramatic at this point. I think perhaps it would work better - and have more bite overall - if you scaled back the general abuse the likes of the Joys have to the lower orders. Something to think about - sometimes it's casual, unthinking classism that hurts the most

Characters
Lock's motivation is set up nice and quickly. He wants to climb the social ladder because it's damn unequal - fair enough, I'll buy that. It looks like it'll be good fuel for this continuing story, and if you hit the right notes with the class divide then I reckon I'll keep rooting for him. As I said above, "Priscilla" is a bit melodramatic for my taste and doesn't come across as real as a result. But doing something different with the Joys is nevertheless nice to see

Final Thoughts
You need not be so nervous in posting! This isn't a bad start at all, and I think I shall keep an eye on it

 

[Pokemon Gray]

Here comes comment number two.

Gotta say, that one Nurse is a jerk. Nice twist to the usual staff I see in Pokemon centers. Unless they were always just droning out the words or being sarcastic. Hmmm.

Anyway, nice start to what seems to be a darker story. But as Pavell said, be wary of making characters overly static in their personality when it comes to this class separation. Not that Priscilla's jerkiness was bad, it was a nice way of introducing the divide.

I've considered posting a fanfic of my own, so I understand the nervousness. Good luck in your story.

 

[AetherX]

Hey there! I saw you posting here and there so I thought I'd check out your fic.

To start, I know it can be a little scary to put your hard work up on the internet to be critiqued, but this is a great start! You really have nothing to be nervous about. This is a wonderful beginning to a journey story. I like that you've gone with the "start just after the beginning of the journey" route. It's a favorite of mine and a great way to avoid cliches and get right down to business. Despite the fact that not a lot happens, this is actually a pretty good first chapter plot-wise. The premise of the story was established, and a decent amount of worldbuilding was squeezed in without seeming too preachy. I'm assuming this is an original region/setting?

The characterization for the two prominent characters in this chapter was well done as well. Pompous Priscilla seems intriguing, since although she's a bit of a bitch, she actually does her job. In general though, she does a good job of introducing the nobles as pretentious dickwads. Lock is decent so far. He has a motivation, and his outlook on the world is somewhat established, but he doesn't have a background yet. I think that's probably the most valuable thing to explore in the coming chapters, as well as building more of the world.

You have solid prose and I didn't notice any overt technical mistakes, so good job there.

I enjoyed it overall and will certainly be coming back for more. Keep it up!

Review Extravaganza 27/50

 

[Persephone]

I was stalking Pavell's reviews (like I usually do for new stories) and saw classism, so I figured I would drop in to do something since I've been researching it for a few months for the journey fic I'm working on.

I caught nothing grammatical and actually thought your prose was pretty good, so I'm just going to discuss/critique some of the narrative decisions of the first chapter. There was a lot more world-building than even the most experimental/new-region journey fics often go into in their first chapter and I'm not entirely sure how to feel about that. While it also doubles for setting up the plot, it also means that we know far more about the character of a nurse who will probably be gone next chapter to be never seen again. To me this looks like the starting move of a story far more concerned with toying with a concept (class in the Pokemon world) than a character-focused story. If that's your goal, I might recommend spending more time on your protagonist later to balance things out. If you were going for something else, you didn't quite do that either.

Anyway, mini-rant aside the concept isn't necessarily terrible. While I might take Pavell's advice of having more subtly classist elements in the future, starting with a well-written blunt example to set up the concept isn't bad. Pokemon allergies is also interesting, especially since it throws a wrench in the otherwise Marxist rhetoric so far. The proletariat champion can't even embrace the tools of the modern era. And for all the ranting before in this post, this is still one of the most promising starts to a journey fic that I've read in a while, so I'll be watching this in the future.

 

[Beth Pavell]

I was stalking Pavell's reviews (like I usually do for new stories) and saw classism, so I figured I would drop in to do something since I've been researching it for a few months for the journey fic I'm working on.

Shame you don't stalk my new chapters, har har har. Seriously, that was actually a joke

 

[GoneGuy]

I was debating how to respond to any review I got on the first chapter and I didn't know whether to wait till the next chapter and comment then, or re-comment directly afterwards, or send a message saying thanks.. But, when I saw the responses I was astonished!

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and review! I really appreciate it! So, I decided I might as well comment back sooner rather than later:

@Beth Pavell

Spoiler

Thank you very much for almost an immediate response. I remember posting the chapter and then seeing your name at the bottom of the screen - it was then the palpitations started!

Either way, the worldbuilding in this chapter is ok. You give a sense of what the world is going to be like without masses of exposition. If there's a problem here I suppose it's that I have a hard time imagining the time period here. Between the talk of modern medicines and farmboys, it's a bit blurry in my head as to whether it's modern, early modern etc etc

Fair Point, there is a definite mix of old and new in this world – which is an entirely invented region, as you rightly suggested alongside others – and I’ll try and hopefully clear that up in future chapters.

The class divide seems a bit melodramatic at this point. I think perhaps it would work better - and have more bite overall - if you scaled back the general abuse the likes of the Joys have to the lower orders. Something to think about - sometimes it's casual, unthinking classism that hurts the most

Will keep that in mind! Priscilla is a bit OTT, I admit, but she’s an extreme mouthpiece for their culture.

@Pokemon Gray

Spoiler

Thanks for the comment!

Gotta say, that one Nurse is a jerk.

Yep! She’s a J-E-R-K! I really wanted to do something different with the Joys.

@AetherX

Spoiler

To start, I know it can be a little scary to put your hard work up on the internet to be critiqued, but this is a great start! You really have nothing to be nervous about. This is a wonderful beginning to a journey story.

Thanks very much I appreciate that!

I'm assuming this is an original region/setting?

Hit the nail right on the head!

Lock is decent so far. He has a motivation, and his outlook on the world is somewhat established, but he doesn't have a background yet. I think that's probably the most valuable thing to explore in the coming chapters, as well as building more of the world.

Thanks. Will work on Lock’s backstory and motivations in the next few chapters to put some meat on his bones. Also, I’ll keep an eye on the worldbuilding as well, I wanna hit the right notes with this social divide so it’s not a Lock v Priscilla scream fest, but more a broken society with broken scruples.

@Rediamond

Spoiler

Thanks for the review, I really apprecaite it!

I was stalking Pavell's reviews

You’re probably not the only one! I think we all keep an eye on other people’s reviews

To me this looks like the starting move of a story far more concerned with toying with a concept (class in the Pokemon world) than a character-focused story.

Okay, looking back over the chapter you are dead right. It reads more like a concept, driven piece rather than the opening lines of a bildungsroman. This isn’t the end of Priscilla (though, so far she’s a minor character), but I definitely see where you’re coming from. I’ll try and iron out those kinks in the next chapter!

Pokemon allergies is also interesting, especially since it throws a wrench in the otherwise Marxist rhetoric so far. The proletariat champion can't even embrace the tools of the modern era.

Bingo! It always struck as odd how Pokémon could respond so well to all medications without side-effect. Allergies seem so distant in the world of Pokémon – even Pokérus is helpful to Trainers. It’s a further twist added to the Joys, which does influence Lock’s journey and lifestyle.

Arís, míle buíochas! I'm really chuffed at the your responses, its like Christmas, and I hope you enjoy the rest of the story!

 

[Beth Pavell]

Thank you very much for almost an immediate response. I remember posting the chapter and then seeing your name at the bottom of the screen - it was then the palpitations started!

Oh, my ^^' I just happened to be online shortly after you posted. You flatter me, sir. I think

 

[Flaze]

I actually thought I had replied to this before xD I read it like a month ago but it seems like I forgot to leave a review :c

I think you've got an interesting concept here, while I do agree with what the others say in that maybe the way you portrayed the nurse was a little exaggerated I also assume that she's only one person that's part of a larger world, so I'm not gonna say that she's the example of what everyone in that world is like. The class issue seems like a good thing to explore in a journey fic though as the games have shown the differences that a lot of towns and cities can have and this is also something that sometimes ties into the real world.

I do have to agree that it seems you're toying with the concept a little too much, I mean since it's only the first chapter I assume you wanted to focus on it and make us seeing as soon as possible but you should be careful for next time. Also I'd recommend to focus a bit more on Lock's personality as a whole, he seems kind of basic so far fromw hat I've noticed.