EVERYONE: The origins of the Tao Trio.

[beetle]

(I read all the Tao trio legends and thought of a story combining some. It might derive a little bit but dont all fan fictions derive?)

(sorry for typos I will fix them later)

The twins were shocked. They had created an entirely new area of land with there new pokemon. They were having a hard time sharing it but enjoying it anyways.
"Hey, Black?" White said.
"Yeah?" Black replied.
"Its my turn to play with the pokemon." White complained.
"Too bad." Black said as he put the pokemon back in it's apricott.
"GIVE ME IT!" White whined.

They started fighting and their bond with eachother grew weaker. No one even noticed the apricott started to shake. White grabbed the apricott and sent the pokemon out. Black grabbed the apricott and sent it back. They continued this several times before Black punched White in the stomach. "GIVE ME THE APRICOTT YOU JERK!" White screamed.
White punched back and they soon were kicking and punching for hours. The apricott finally shuddered and broke open. The pokemon shot into the sky after grabbing the twins. It's essence shot out of the skeleton and left it a souless pokemon rocketing down to the ground. White road on top of a white like essence and vice versa. The black one was struck by lightning and the white was set on fire. They formed new bodys looking like a mixture of human and its old body. White and Black were absorbed by the bodies and constantly fought eachother. The skeleton retained enough essence to stay alive and torment people and pokemon alike, devouring them, hoping to gain their essence. Together they formed the Tao twins.

 

[Zekurom]

The first half reads like a dialogue scene, and the second half reads like a fairy tale or a story from the Bible.

It's just... too abrupt a change in the flow style. However, the second half serves its purpose a bit better than the first.

Also, a bond growing weaker isn't usually the kind of thing that happens (or at least the kind of thing you describe) with just a fistfight. It happens over time, doesn't it? It seems kind of strange when you put a progressive event like that into one sentence and then never think about it again.

The second part is okay for a folk story, though.

 

[Legacy]

Nice start.

I agree with Zekurom though about the abruptness of the change in styles of the first chapter. Try to intermingle both dialog and narrative and I think you will be good.

Keep it up!

 

[beetle]

Nice start.

I agree with Zekurom though about the abruptness of the change in styles of the first chapter. Try to intermingle both dialog and narrative and I think you will be good.

Keep it up!

thanks for the feedback. Im new at fan fictions and wanted to try something.

ps: loved pocket monsters.