The Rise Of Heroes

[Kantomasta]

First off, i need t say some things:

Spoiler

*i am not abandoning my stories, well sort of

*the reason im posting tyhis is beause my computer messed up and deleted my four region data.

*this will be lik four regions, but with diff names and kinda the same plot

*if you read plz comment and review

* i promose to spell better on the actual story

so here it is






The Rise Of Heroes: Prologue

It was silent and cold as a breeze blew by the hill. On top of this hill a kid was standing with pokémon by his side. There was a villain standing opposite of our hero. The kid opened his mouth, ordered an attack and the pokémon attacked the villain. The kid, who was looking frightened, started jumping up and down. Then the villain walked over to him, “Damian,” the villain said.

“Damian!” A voice screamed. The boy shot up straight in bed. It was all a dream. His mother was standing there. “Good, now that you are awake you need to get out of here,” his mother said. She walked out of the room.

“Just a dream,” Damian whispered. “Just a dream”. Damian walked over to his dresser and looked at himself in a mirror. His black haired green eyed reflection looking back at him. Damian pulled open some drawers and found what he needed.

Damian put on a green vest over a blue shirt with a pokeball on it. He also put on blue jeans with a belt and red and black sneakers. Damian walked over to his bag and looked inside. “Pokegear, yes, potion, yes, well, that’s all,” He said.

Damian ran downstairs and told his mother goodbye, and she smiled when she saw her little boy grown up. “Your father would be proud,” she said.

“I will see him one day, remember, he’s a champion,” Damian replied. He then walked out the door into pallet town, where two others were standing, deep in battle with a bulbasaur and a squirtle. Damian knew that only left one pokemon fo him, a charmander.

“Damian!” the boy in the battle said. “My gramps had to leave, he told me to give you this, I was going to, but this guy thought his pokemon was tougher then mine,” the boy said. Damian knew this boy was Gary, and the other was Ash.

“Thanks,” Damian said as he grabbed the pokeball. He threw it and a charmander popped up, puffing its chest out. “Haha, that’s funny,” Damian said. He returned charmander and walked over to the edge of route one, where pidgey and rattata would be. Damian walked out, ready to start his journey. He knew what his first stop would be, Viridian city. Damian looked around and saw trainers battling wild pokemon. “I better hurry and get some pokeballs and my pokedex1" Damian exclaimed. He ran back to pallet and Gary gave him those, beating ash at the same time. The only thing that Gary had said while giving Damian his supplies was vinewhip.

 

[SSJ3_Raditz]

While this fic isn't bad, I still don't find it impressive.

Mostly because it's too generic too simple,

But then again, so what if it's generic; as long as it's good, I'm gonna read it.

But that doesn't automatically mean I like it. Try putting more detail and maybe it'll improve.

Gonna be reading.

PS: Is this based on the games or teh anime?

 

[Kavidun]

Not the best fan-fic I've seen. 1. Lacks Information. 2. What? It was a dream? The worst get out plan ever. 3. Too fast paced.

I like your choice of words, and it's a good idea, so I'll be reading. Bear in mind these tips, and it'll be a good story.

 

[Kantomasta]

Thnx for giving me those tips. And for generic, i like to start like that, but im thinking of some things other the=an guym battles and stuff.

 

[alster08]

I really didnt quite get it. It could use a little fixing. Mabe a little longer in the next chapters too.

 

[Zekurom]

Alright, let's take this from the top:

It was silent and cold as a breeze blew by the hill. On top of this hill a kid was standing with pokémon by his side. There was a villain standing opposite of our hero. The kid opened his mouth, ordered an attack and the pokémon attacked the villain. The kid, who was looking frightened, started jumping up and down. Then the villain walked over to him, “Damian,” the villain said.

@bolded sentence: So hold on, Damian is the one who orders an attack and then is frightened and jumps up and down? I DON'T GET IT MY HEAD HURTS >_<

Besides that, it's a good description of a dream - the wording is descriptive at first but it just cuts off and goes to something else, just like a real dream does.

“Just a dream,” Damian whispered. “Just a dream”. Damian walked over to his dresser and looked at himself in a mirror. His black haired green eyed reflection looking back at him. Damian pulled open some drawers and found what he needed.

@bolded sentence: This is a fragment. I think you meant to say, "His black-haired, green-eyed reflection looked back at him."

Damian put on a green vest over a blue shirt with a pokeball on it. He also put on blue jeans with a belt and red and black sneakers. Damian walked over to his bag and looked inside. “Pokegear, yes, potion, yes, well, that’s all,” He said.

Hmm, seems like he leaves every day, if he says it in such a cursory way.

Damian ran downstairs and told his mother goodbye, and she smiled when she saw her little boy grown up. “Your father would be proud,” she said.

No expansion on this part? Normally they don't just say this when they're going out on a journey, there's some long deliberation. It looks like you're going for this, but failing.

“I will see him one day, remember, he’s a champion,” Damian replied. He then walked out the door into pallet town, where two others were standing, deep in battle with a bulbasaur and a squirtle. Damian knew that only left one pokemon for him, a charmander.

Well, first of all, "Pallet Town" is capitalized. Second of all, you're putting the accent on "Pokemon" on some words but not others.

“Damian!” the boy in the battle said. “My gramps had to leave, he told me to give you this, I was going to, but this guy thought his pokemon was tougher then mine,” the boy said. Damian knew this boy was Gary, and the other was Ash.

Ah, so the canon characters are involved. Normally, for stories like this, that's bad news.

“Thanks,” Damian said as he grabbed the pokeball. He threw it and a charmander popped up, puffing its chest out. “Haha, that’s funny,” Damian said. He returned charmander and walked over to the edge of route one, where pidgey and rattata would be.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. So he gets his first Pokemon, and then just returns him and walks away? You're skipping over a lot of potential story content here. If the real-life story also plays like a dream, it becomes unappealing pretty quickly.

As well, you're forgetting to capitalize "Charmander" when you're using it as a proper noun, naming the charmander that Damian got as his starter.

So like this:

• He returned Charmander and...

: instead of this:

• He returned charmander and...

As well, you're using "Route One" as a proper noun here, so capitalize it accordingly.

Damian walked out, ready to start his journey. He knew what his first stop would be, Viridian city. Damian looked around and saw trainers battling wild pokemon. “I better hurry and get some pokeballs and my pokedex1" Damian exclaimed. He ran back to pallet and Gary gave him those, beating ash at the same time. The only thing that Gary had said while giving Damian his supplies was vinewhip.

You're skipping out on too much. "Gary gave him those, beating Ash at the same time." This doesn't tell us much about the scene at all, and it gives us the impression that you're just telling us these things to tell them to us, without any real importance to the plot.

You're also forgetting to capitalize many words, like the "City" in "Viridian City", "Pallet", and even "Ash".

"Vine Whip" is two words, BTW.

And that "1" at the end of "pokedex1" should be an exclamation mark. I'm assuming you forgot to press Shift.


Overall, this seemed pretty short for a chapter. It didn't seem very descriptive or well written at all past the dream. You're lacking too much of what actually happens.

 

[Kantomasta]

ok. lots of help. Im halfway through chapter 1 at the moment so it wont be AS good, but i will improve chapter 2.

 

[Kantomasta]

sorry it took so long, but heres hapter 1:


Chapter 1: New Places

Damian walked into the grass, with his journey officially beginning now. He looked around and spotted a trainer with a rattata battling a pidgey. Damian watched and the trainer caught the pokemon. “Hmm... I wonder if there are any pokemon around,” Damian said aloud. A Pikachu walked out of the grass and stared at Damian. Damian grabbed charmanders pokeball, but realized there was scars n the pikachu. Damian ran over and picked the pikachu up, while it shocked him. Damian also remembered charmanders pokeball in his other hand and threw it. “Find this guys trainer,” Damian said after pointing a pokeball at pikachu and it did nothing.



“Pikachu ” a girl was yelling. “Pikachu, its Jannete ,” Jannete exclaimed. She looked around and saw a shock in the distance. She ran to the shock and saw a boy, pikachu and a charmander walking away. “Hey That’s my pikachu,” Jannete said.

“That’s peculiar, I just told charmander to come and find this guys trainer. So he is yours?” Damian asked. The girl walked over and took pikachu from Damian.

“Thank you,” She added. She pulled out a potion, squirted pikachu and then returned him. “So you must be a rookie trainer?” Jannete asked. Lan hesitated to tell the truth, not wanting to admit it.

“Yes, I am,” Damian replied. He indicated to charmander, who was looking at all the others. “This is my starter, charmander,” Damian said. Charmander looked over when he heard his name.

“Im new too, pikachu was my starter because you and two others beat me,” Jannete said. She pulled out a second pokeball. “Want to battle?” She asked. “My new pidgey against charmander?”.

“Sure, charmander step up,” Damian commanded. Charmander walked up and got into a fighting position.

“Pidgey Prepare ” Jannete ordered as she threw a pokeball. Her brown hair swung in the air as she did so. Her blue eyes sparkled. Pidgey walked forward, about 5 feet from charmander. “Tackle ” was Jannete’s command. Pidgey ran toward charmander, hitting him, but not moving him. Damian looked at Charmander, who nodded to show he was ready for an attack.

“Scratch,” Damian commanded to his little friend. Charmander let out a battle cry and ran forward, his claw growing and turning a bright white. Charmanders claw hit pidgey, and it was knocked back because it wasn’t trained. Jannete watched pidgey stumble backwards and ordered another tack with all its power. Pidgey ran, well kinda stumbled as its brown body hit charmander. Charmander stood there. Maybe twitching his nose when the impact his. “Finish him off,” Damian ordered. Charmander used scratch again and pidgey fainted.

“Wait till Pikachu is trained ” Jannete yelled, returned pidgey and ran off, tripping over her own feet. Damian chuckled, making Jannete mad. She swung her brown hair around and ran off. This time without tripping. Damian decided he would look for a wild rattata or pidgey, when out of nowhere, A trainer running tripped and tackled Damian.

“Who are you!?” Damian yelled at the trainer. The bo looked at him and he had blue eyes and black hair.

“Nobody, just hold onto this, bye!” The trainer said while thrusting a pokeball into Damian’s hand. After that, the trainer took off again.

“Who is that?” Damian said aloud when five police officers surrounded him.

“Your under arrest for stealing an officers pokemon!” A male police officer said. He walked over to Damian and handcuffed him. Damian mumbled a few choice words as they walked off.

 

[Kantomasta]

Chapter 2: A new friend​

As Damian was taken to the prison, they took charmanders pokeball and the pokeball that the mysterious guy had given him. On the way, Damian had overheard them say that this was the second time this week that the pokemon had been stolen. “What’s going on?” Damian asked as they were nearing the station.

“You have stolen a pokemon from a police station and are under arrest for doing so,” was the police officers reply. He had black hair and a blue shirt that said police officer.

“A guy thrust this pokeball into my hand and ran, I swear I didn’t do it ” Damian pleaded. The police officer shoved him through the doorway of the HQ and walked to the front desk.

“Same story as the last one,” the police officer that cuffed Damian said. He grabbed Damian’s cuffs without waiting for an answer and took Damian to a jail cell that had a toilet, two rock beds and lastly, a kid about Damian’s age. The kid was a boy with black hair and blue eyes.

The police officer took Damian’s cuffs off and threw him in the cell. He walked off and sent out charmander and threw him in a cell with a Seel in it. Damian ran over to the bars and looked at charmander. “Its okay buddy, we can get out,” Damian reassured Charmander. Damian then turned around and looked at the kid. “Names Damian, guess your in here for the same reason I am?” Damian asked.

“If you mean a guy shoving a pokeball into your hand and a police officer arresting you, then ya. Names Lan,” Lan answered. He looked around and said,” If I ever get out of here, I am killing the guy that put us in here”.

“I agree,” Damian replied. He looked around the dark, grey room. The only source of light was coming from a small, barred window. The hallway had basically no light at all. The two police officers had left, giving Damian and Lan time to talk.

“You up for a game of chess?” Lan asked. He walked over to one of the beds and pulled a chess bored from underneath.

“Haven’t played it much, but there’s always time to learn,” Damian said. He walked over and looked at his pieces, Munchlax (pawns), Arcanine (castles), Rapidash (knights), Raichu (bishop), Nidoking (king) and Nidoqueen (queen). This was the first time Damian had actually played chess, but he had memorized the rules, but nobody would ever play with him.

Lan took the first move and moved his Rapidash. Damian took his move, and so on, the black and white pieces moving, getting taken off the board, and moving again. As they played, Lan and Damian discussed many topics, starting with Lan’s Seel and Damian’s Charmander.


Meanwhile..


Charmander looked around, not spotting much until he saw a Seel. At first he thought the Seel was vicious, But Seel acted friendly and Charmander lowered his claw that he had raised. Charmander and Seel had gotten into a conversation in poke-language.



“So you think there is any chance of us getting out of here?” Lan asked, while moving a black Rapidash to attack a white munchlax .He picked up the munchlax and tossed it off to the side, landing in a pile of black and white pieces.

“I don’t know,” Damian replied. He moved his white rapidash to take out Lan’s black rapidash. He tossed it into a pile of black pieces.

“Your good at this. You play a lot?” Lan asked. Damian shook his head, his long his hitting his green eyes. The two boys chatted about almost every topic that night.



“So, did you give him an empty pokeball again?” A voice asked.

“Yes, just like that last one. At least we know how to get away with this,” A different figure replied.\

“Well what happens if they give those officers the slips and find us?” The first figure asked.

“Silly, silly Paul, they wont find us,” The second figure replied. He looked at his partner, told him that they need to rest up, and ran. He abandoned his partner, for eternity.



“Check,” Lan said, grinning. He moved a black Raichu into a position to take out Damian’s Nidoking.

“Not so fast,” Damian replied. He moved a Munchlax in front of his Nidoking to save him. Just then, an ice beam followed by an ember came in the cell. Damian and Lan jumped out of the way, then looked through the gray bars to the dim room across the hall. Both pokemon were standing there, pointing at their stomachs.

“I’d feed you, but the cops took our packs,” Lan said. He looked around, looking for there packs, but it was too dark. Damian got a puzzled look on his face and then had an idea.

“Charmander, can you use flamethrower to light the room?” Damian asked. Charmander shook his head and instead use ember. Damian looked and noticed the door had no lock, so the bars were the only thing separating him from the outside world that he wanted desperately.

Damian thought long about how ho would escape, thinking back to every idea possible, not figuring anything out. “Fire melts ice, ice is frozen, THAT’S IT!” Damian yelled. He ran over to Lan and began explaining every detail.

“We go at dawn,” Lan said, after hearing the plan.

I might as well...
Pokedex: 1 caught, five seen
Money:3000
Items: pokedex (currently taken away) and 5 pokeballs (currently taken away)

 

[Gama]

Interesting concept. The idea is definitely there. Is this supposed to be a kind of alternate reality to the anime? I'm not really familiar with the anime, but I know Ash doesn't start with Squirtle.

Your spelling and grammar isn't great. And by grammar I mean more in terms of using the wrong spelling of a word sometimes, for example with things like 'their' instead of 'they're'. I don't think you made that particular mistake but there were some like that. You also made some silly spelling errors, there's a 1 instead of an exclamation mark in the prologue for crying out loud!

It doesn't look like you use a Word processor (for example, Microsoft Word) to write your story and I suggest you do. Firstly, it has a spell check, which should help you realise your mistakes, it also has a grammar check.

My advice to you, however, would be to ask someone to proof read your chapters before you post them via PM. Then read the changes they make and compare their version to yours and your grammar and spelling will hopefully improve.

There were a couple of plot holes in this too. Firstly, Damian's name changes to Lan in Chapter 1 for one sentence, which confused me as to where the name came from. When Lan was introduced in chapter 2 I realised how you'd gotten confused, be careful with that kind of thing.

Additionally, I thought Charmander's Poke Ball was taken away from Damian and yet there he is in the prison with the two trainers!

Also, why is the fact that fire melts ice relevant? Are the bars ice? If so, you have not told us that.

When you say that the door has no lock, that's very confusing. Surely if the door has no lock they can just walk out? I'm not really sure what you meant here.

When you cut to the villains, it's a little confusing. At first I thought the 'voice' was audible from the cell that they were in. If you had simply preluded this with 'Elsewhere, two men discussed the day's achievements.' it would have made things SO much clearer.

Anyway, it's obvious you've put an effort into this and it seems to be a fairly original idea, I just hope you know where you're going with it. Basically, if you work at this it can become pretty good. Keep it up!

 

[Kantomasta]

Ok. and two or three of your questions will be answered in thenext chapter.

 

[Kantomasta]

as promised, here it is!

Chapter 3: The Escape
As the morning sun came in through the small, escape less window, our two boys arose. Damian, with his messy black hair and green eyes, woke first while his almost identical twin arose, difference by eyes. “Today’s the day,” Lan said. He walked over to the metal bars, and looked down the hallway. The door out of the hallway was unlocked, while the locks were on his cell and Seel’s cell. Damian walked over, and the two boys noticed their pokemon were awake, went int action.

“Help ” Damian yelled. Two officers ran into the hallway. They both looked around and noticed it came from a kid.

“What do you want, kid?” The first officer asked. The second one looked at Lan.

“I thought I heard a pokemon battle going on down there,” Lan replied. He pointed at the other door, leading to another jail cell on the sides. The officers ran through the door, and the boys knew they had to act fast. “Seel Use ice beam on all the bars,” Lan instructed. Seel opened his mouth and a blue ball began to form. The blue ball covered all the bars with ice, inside and out.

“Nice, now charmander, use ember to melt the bars ” Damian ordered. Charmander shot an ember at a bar and it did nothing. “Come on buddy full power,” Damian said. Charmander started as an ember, but then it came out like a flamethrower, melting the bars. “You learned new move ” Damian exclaimed. He ran over and picked charmander up. “They probably have your pokeball in my bag,” Damian said.

The two boys, having pokemon in arms, ran out the doorway where almost no officers were, because those two officers took morning shift. The remaining four officers surrounded Damian and Lan, so Lan informed them that Charmander knew flamethrower. They all laughed so Charmander used flamethrower. After the red flames had disappeared, the offices hair was black and crispy. Their skin was black, but unfortunately, not crispy. Damian and Lan ran, while the pokemon tried to keep up. As they were running, they spotted their backpacks. “Lan, over there Backpacks” Damian exclaimed. The two boys swung around, grabbing their packs and returning their pokemon.
They left the building and ran through the tall buildings of Viridian city, and into the bushes of Route 1. After about an hour of running through thick, green overgrown grass, he boys collapsed. Lan grabbed a pokeball and threw it. “Seel, u-use a little icy wind t-to cool us o-off,” Lan stuttered and whispered, barely able to talk. A red beam shot out of the pokeball and formed into a Seel. He opened his mouth and a chilly breeze came out, cooling the boys off.

“Thanks,” Damian said, finally able to breath normally. Damian was about to let Charmander out when he heard a noise from afar. The noise came closer..closer...closer. Damian stood up, thinking it was a trainer, when a rattata walked out. Damian, disappointed that it wasn’t a trainer, still grabbed charmanders pokeball. Damian threw Charmanders pokeball up, letting the red beam form a Charmander. Charmander started to let out a battle cry, then stopped. He looked at Damian, then pointed at rattatas leg, Damian looked and noticed a small scratch. Damian then heard another noise, coming closer and closer. The grass parted aside, then he was there. Damian recognized the kid from the start of his journey, but that wasn’t what surprised him, the surprise came from long, long ago. “D-D-Darwin?” Damian asked.

“Yes, brother, it is me, the almighty Darwin. I am the one who sent you to jail” Darwin said. The rattata, noticing Darwin, hid behind Damian. “Now, to figure out who goes to jail, how about a two on two battle?” Darwin asked, grabbing a pokeball.

“I don’t have two pokemon, but I can beat you with one,” Darian replied. Charmander stepped forward, eager to battle.

“Ok, ill start with my newest addition, Bellsprout. Come out and use vinewhip,” Darwin said. A plant like pokemon cam out and shot a vine at Charmander.

“Charmander, burn him to a crisp with Flamethrower , evil doesn’t pay ” Damian exclaimed. Charmander opened his mouth and shot a beam of fire. It hit the vine, coming up it until it hi=t bellsprout, making him faint.

“Return, Bellsprout. You think your tough, huh? I’ll send out MY starter. Go, Venasaur,” Darwin said He threw another pokeball and this time it released a giant green dog with a plant on its back.

“This is easy, Charmander, Flamethrower,” Darian said. Charmander shot another fire beam and it hit Venasaur right on the head but Venasaur stood.

“Take down,” Darwin commanded. Venasaur ran forward and hit Charmander in the stomach. Charmander flew backwards and hit a tree. He stood up, weakly, but stood.

“Now we show him power, run towards him,” Damian commanded. Charmander ran forward, picking up speed.

“At the right moment use take down,” Darwin commanded. Once Charmander was about three feet away, Venasaur stuck his head out and rammed Charmanders head. Charmander flew backwards and hit the tree again, fainting.

“Its over, return,” Damian moaned and held out a pokeball. As Charmander returned to his pokeball, Darwin lifted his up, but something knocked Venasaur out of the way. Damian looked in shock, seeing Venasaur keep getting hit by a blur. Finally, the blur slowed down and a rattata stood there.

Darwin looked in shock too, but regained his senses first. “Take down the next time that rat gets close to you,” Darwin instructed Venasaur looked at
Rattata, getting ready for a take down.

“So, you wanna battle?” Damian asked rattata. Rattata nodded in agreement, then faced Venasaur. “Ok, quick attack again,” Damian instructed. As the attack happened, Venasaur stuck his head forward, but was too slow.

Rattata kept striking Venasaur, making it angrier and angrier.
“THAT’S IT USE VINEWHIP AND KILL THAT RAT ” Darwin yelled. Venasaur sent out his vine and stuck rattata right below the left eye. It left a gash that would leave a scar. Rattata was about to faint, but since he was in the middle of an attack, struck Venasaur, causing both to faint.

As that all happened, Lan, who had witnessed the whole battle, ran over and tackled Darwin. “Damian, run to the pokecenter and get Rattata healed, ill hold onto Darwin until the police get here,” Lan said.

Damian ran over and picked up Rattata off of Venasaur, and took off for Viridian.
Pokedex: Seen:7 Caught:1
Money:3000 poke
Items: Pokedex, and five pokeballs
Pokemon: Charmander and Rattata

 

[Kantomasta]

OOS: i havent written for awhile, cuz i honestly dont know much of what i could do with it. So i am going to take a brealk from writing, so here is the final chapter of this book. BTW: the last sentence is a hint to my next story

Damian started to run over and pick up rattata and then a portal opened and sucked Damian and Rattata in. The portal shot Damian out in a pokemon battle field.

"Pick you pokemon, i already picked mine!" A voice yelled. Damian looked across the field and saw Jannete. A raichu was standing in front of her.

"What the," Damian said. Then he saw a badge on JAnnete. The champion was Jannete. "Umm... I dont know," Damian said. He looked at all his pokeballs and saw all six were filled.

"Hey! Its a one on one battle, so just pick!" Jannete yelled. Damian grabbed a pokeball and threw it onto the field. a brown rat appearded.

"Hyper fang Raticate!" Damian yelled. Raticate ran up and sunk his teeth into Raichu, and what happened next was suprising. Another portal opened up and sucked Damian and Raticate in. Damian popped out, and realized there were no pokemon. "Where am I?" Damian asked. He looked and saw a creature that wasent a pokemon. "What the," Damian said.

 

[Zekurom]

Damian started to run over and pick up rattata and then a portal opened and sucked Damian and Rattata in. The portal shot Damian out in a pokemon battle field.

Well, there's a problem already. If you don't capitalize Rattata, people are going to assume that you're using the common noun. Is he picking up many rattata, or the one that's named Rattata?

You even do it properly in the next part of the sentence.

(I underline the lowercase letters I'd normally capitalize but leave lowercase in the context of the discussion. Think of it as a [sic] marker.)