• Hiya, everyone --

    Recently we've been noticing there have been a few stories here and there that have been posted without content warnings. As a reminder, we ask that every work published in our Workshop contain content warnings, even if none apply (in which case, you can just mention that no content warnings apply). You can refer to a helpful guide on how to rate your stories here, but if you need any further assistance, please feel welcome to contact a Workshop staff member! We're here to help.

    Thank you all for helping us ensure our community is a safe and healthy one, and for your continued patronage in our Library and Workshop.
  • Hiya, everyone!

    If you'd love to recieve a story of your choice, or write one for another user, please consider taking a look at our recent Writers' Workshop event announcement!

    We're all really excited to see how this fun Winter-themed gift exchange we're running will go, but we need your help! Signups end on the 6th of October, so please don't wait too long -- check out the thread linked above for more information!

    We hope to see lots of familliar and new faces around for Eiscue's Exciting Exchange!
  • Our friends at Johto Times have concluded their massive Favorite Pokémon Poll and the final results are now up. Click here if you're interested in seeing if any of your favorites made it!

The Rush for Victory

Mijumaru

Demonic Scraggy
Joined
Jan 23, 2010
Messages
3,710
Reaction score
6
Chapter 1 Written July 12, 2010
It's just a normal day for Ursula on her way to the Pokemon Contest in Squallville. Her Gabite is walking with her, looking as attractive as usual. Out of nowhere, a sudden wind gust is felt. Before she knew it, she just knew she was in Squallville!!

...or was she?

She read in her souvenir guide book from Chocovine Town that Squallville's famous wind gusts could be felt from 10 miles away. Much to her excitement, she ran off, her Gabite following her. She began to run out of energy, and her Gabite was nearly wiped out after six or seven miles.

So she returned it to its Poke Ball.

Later, she felt alone, so instead of sending out her Gabite, she sent out her Plusle and Minun. The wind gust was stronger than ever, and she blurted out, "We're almost in Squallville!!".

...But it turned out she was not even close. She saw a Togekiss above her tornado-swirled hair, using Whirlwind. She registered it in her PokeDex, a solid gold color. She checked its moves, and noticed Whirlwind was not in its moveset. She thought she just had to catch it because it was so special, until something suspicious emerged.

"Togekiss, excellent!"
Ursula had heard a voice coming from a girl on the other side of Toku Mountain. She ran all the way to the peak (it was a short mountain), and down to the other side only to realize that Dawn, her rival, was training.
"Oh, hi Dawn!", said Ursula.
"Ursula?", said Dawn, with her friends, Ash and Brock.
Ursula's Plusle and Minun made a noise that sounded like two D's.
After Ursula heard it, she said,
"So, how are you doing, Miss Diamond Dandruff Dee-Dee?"
"Stop it, U-U!!", said Dawn.
"What a comeback...", said Ursula.
They argued for hours...

"Guys, stop!", said Ash, "The contest is in an hour. Aren't you going to continue your training?"
"...but, we're not anywhere near Squallville." said Ursula.
"Are you a hobo? We're already in Squallville! The contest hall is just down the cliff!" said Dawn, out of anger, "And Ash, don't call us guys!!"
"A cliff jump?" asked Ursula.

Chapter 2 [INCOMPLETE] Written July 15, 2010
Dawn and Ursula are in the contest stadium's dressing room, dressing up and changing into their contest outfits. Dawn is wearing a purple dress with pink dots all over it, a red bowtie over her head, and a pink choker. Ursula, on the other hand, is wearing a red dress and purple bowties on her head, her hair in curls. Together they head into the waiting room with several other coordinators waiting their turn. At the contest stage, a woman's voice is heard, saying:
"Surrounded by mountains, an army of wind gusts approach and blow you away, it's contest town in the little town of Squallville!" cheers filled the stadium as she talked, "I'm your humble host! The one and only Marian! And here we have our judges!" A man in a red suit and a tie was sitting down in the far left. "First up, it's Mr. Contesta!", said Marian.
"Thank you. I appreciate being here in Squallville, watching these coordinators shine with their Pokemon in today's contest.", said Mr. Contesta.
"Next up, the remarkable chief of the Pokemon Fan Club, Mr. Sukizo!", said Marian.
A short man, smilingwith dimples was seen next to Mr. Contesta.
"Squallville... it's remakable!", he said.
"And finally, Squallville's very own Nurse Joy!", said Marian.
A woman with pink hair and a hat with a cross was seen sitting on the far right.
"It's a pleasure to be here seeing what all these trainers have for us to offer!", she said.

Ursula and Dawn are watching the screen, waiting to be called.
"HEY, THERE GIRRRRLS!!" a voice said behind them.
"AAAAHHH!", they screamed.
"...oh, it's just you...", murmured Dawn.
It was Jessilina, a very lively girl with glasses and a goldenrod gown.
"I can see, you're ready for the contest, Jessilina...!" said Ursula.
"I sure am! And I'm going to win, TOO!" shouted Jessilina in delight.
"No way that's going to happen, cause I'm in it to win it!" said Dawn.
"Stop lying to yourself... Dee Dee!!" said Ursula.
Dawn had an angry look on her face, just before a man came in and called a boy named Dave.

"Now, for our first coordinator! You're on!", said Marian.
Dave came running out and sent out a Poke Ball.
"Tangrowth, go!"
Tangrowth did a spectacular appeal using its Vine Whip and Giga Drain, in which it lit up a stadium in green.

Several other coordinators came with their Pokemon. Some where appealing... some were not.

Then came Jessilina's turn. She sent out Seviper and it used Poison Sting into the air, making it look like purple rain. As it came down, she commanded Seviper to use Iron Tail spinning, preventing the shots from hitting the ground. Jessilina's appeal ended.
 
Last edited:
That's a chapter...?

You need to make your chapters longer. Seriously.

Not to mention, there's really no plot here. You have Ursula meet Dawn and them, but nothing really happens yet.
 
That's a chapter...?

You need to make your chapters longer. Seriously.

Not to mention, there's really no plot here. You have Ursula meet Dawn and them, but nothing really happens yet.

And so? I have a friend at school who makes two-sentence chapters.

It's only the beginning.
 
And so? I have a friend at school who makes two-sentence chapters.

It's only the beginning.

If he makes two sentence chapters that means its not even a chapter. He calls it a chapter but its not. Who read's two sentence chapters?
 
And so? I have a friend at school who makes two-sentence chapters.

That's barely a paragraph, let alone a chapter. You shouldn't take your friend as an example on this.

It's only the beginning.

That it is, but if the beginning isn't interesting, it doesn't set a very good picture for the rest of the story.
 
That's a chapter...?

You need to make your chapters longer. Seriously.

Not to mention, there's really no plot here. You have Ursula meet Dawn and them, but nothing really happens yet.

How should she make her chapters longer? Criticism is not just pointing out flaws, it's pointing out how to fix them.

Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 could be glued together in my opinion. Transition between scenes in a chapter is not uncommon. To expand on the story, try describing. Tell us about what Ursula is feeling. What is her facial expression when she arrives? What is she wearing? Stuff like that. What does Squallville look like?

Last but not least, your attempt at breaking the fourth wall pulled Ursula completely out of character. I highly doubt she would shriek at the idea of people watching her, she's a coordinator for crying out loud.
 
How should she make her chapters longer? Criticism is not just pointing out flaws, it's pointing out how to fix them.

Alright then, sorry.

Mainly, you shouldn't break your plot up into such small pieces. The first two chapters could certainly be merged together, along with probably the third chapter when it's posted.

Last but not least, your attempt at breaking the fourth wall pulled Ursula completely out of character. I highly doubt she would shriek at the idea of people watching her, she's a coordinator for crying out loud.

I'd doubt it too, were it not for the fact that these people (us) are from another dimension.
 
You need to make them longer by adding more description, example...

Your sentence:

Ursula had heard a voice coming from a girl on the other side of Toku Mountain. She ran all the way to the peak (it was a short mountain), and down to the other side only to realize that Dawn, her rival, was training.

example:

Ursula had heard a voice from the distant side of the small mountain. The voice sounded more like a girl. She ran all the way to the other side of the smallest mountain, Toku mountain. With Dust in her trails and Plusle and Minun running to keep up, she arrived at the base of the mountain. There she saw a blue-eyed, blue haired girl. It was her rival, Dawn. She then noticed Dawns pokemon were using moves beutafully so Ursula thought they must be training.


read rivals story by Gastlys mama, The power inside by legacy, or if you want somethin that just started, read my fic.
 
Chapters 1-2 were put together.
The new chapter 2 is incomplete. It still needs to be finished.
 
Please note: The thread is from 15 years ago.
Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
Back
Top Bottom