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COMPLETE: The terrible day.. (Ages 13+. Blood warning. Short Story)

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[Please excuse any grammar errors. It's my first Attempt at a Short Story that isn't a Essay. Anyways it's about how Blue lost his raticate.]

So, there we where, in a large open meadow training on some Pidgey. "C'mon Raticate! Speed up!" I shouted running to the top of the hill. "Raticate! Rat!!" Raticate responded, shortly after Raticate responded he dissapiered. "Raticate come on!" I kept shouting, I was starting to get worried because he wasn't responding. I searched high and low for him, he was nowhere to be found. "C'mon you stupid raticate, your making this hard for us!" "Ratii..." "Fine then, we will just make it hard for you!" said the Team Rocket Grunt. He took out a rifle and shot his raticate. "What was that? A gun? I think it came from behind those trees..." So I wandered over there and there he was, his head was gushing out blood, and his brain was blown out. I looked behind me and saw two grunts running off. I ran after them, tackling one of them on the ground. "What did you do to my raticate?!" I shouted at him. "What? That was your stupid Rat?" "Y...yess.....And he isn't stupid!" I took his gun and whacked him on the head very hard, as soon as he stood up I kicked him in his crotch. The two grunts ran off as I started to cry. Shortly after I took him to be buryed in the Pokemon Tower. Just as I was about to walk off I saw my rival, Red. "Hey! Blue!" Red shouted. "Oh, hey." I responded. "What's wrong? Why are you crying?" "I don't want to speak about it." "Oh.. okay."
And that is how my horrible day ended.
The end.​
 
It was okay, and I supose that is why Blue was in the tower when they battle in red/blue?
Anyway onto the story; it was alright. You should take a new line for a new speaker. I didn't understand that a rocket grunt was speaking and there was no description.
There was also reason for the grunts to kill the raticate...
 
Yumega said:
It was okay, and I supose that is why Blue was in the tower when they battle in red/blue?
Anyway onto the story; it was alright. You should take a new line for a new speaker. I didn't understand that a rocket grunt was speaking and there was no description.
There was also reason for the grunts to kill the raticate...
Click to expand...

If you read the manga, TR was doing experiments on pokemon.
 
Er, use paragraphs. Fix the grammar and spelling. Use far more description. In short, it needs a lot of work. Short stories are generally longer than an average chapter in a normal fan fic. This is pretty much 1/4 of one. The dialogue really didn't make much sense in the format you used, everytime someone starts talking you should start a new paragraph.

"Blah, blah blah?" asked person one.

"Blah," said person two.

Like that.
 
Please note: The thread is from 16 years ago.
Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
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