EVERYONE: - Complete The Things that Brought us Together

[Kathylikestoread]

Conten Warnings: N/A

‘’Ding dong’’, rang the dusty doorbell of Room 202. The noisy sound of the doorbell jolted Harmony from her peaceful slumber. ‘’I’m awake,’’ she muttered. She got out of bed, looked at the clock, noticing that it was only seven fifteen in the morning and opened the chocolate brown door, which revealed Urbain outside.
‘’Congratulations on getting to Rank E!’’ Urbain said.
‘’What do you want this early in the morning, Urbain?’’ Harmony asked.
‘’I wanted to congratulate you on getting to Rank E,’’ Urbain answered.
‘’Oh, thank you,’’ Harmony replied. She trudged down the stairs and into the living room, where Naveen and Lida were sitting.
‘’Still salty that Harmony beat Cannoli?’’ Urbain questioned Naveen jokingly.
‘’For one thing, her name’s Canari!’’ Naveen answered, annoyed.
’’What do you want to do today, Harmony?’’ Urbain asked her, ‘’It’s not yet night time and there’s been no new Rogue Mega Evolution reports from Vinnie yet.’’.
’’I want to go and explore Lumiose City,’’ Harmony said. She strolled out the door of Hotel Z. Urbain decided to follow her outside.
When they were outside, Harmony told Urbain, ‘’I wanted to find more Zygarde Cells,’’. ’’Oh, there’s one!’’ Harmony exclaimed, lifting up a wilted auburn leaf. She tucked it into her satchel and went around looking for more cells. Walking around the courtyard of Hotel Z and eventually leaving for the Vert Sector, Harmony did not take her eyes off the ground and kept on looking for squishy Zygarde Cells. Urbain tagged along like a Furfrou tagging alongside its Trainer. They went all over the Vert Sector, before deciding to check out Wild Zone 11.
When they got there, Urbain shouted, ‘’Look, there’s one of those Zygarde Cell thingies!’’. Harmony looked to where Urbain was pointing and saw a bright green Zygarde Cell. She ran to the location of the cell, only to be stopped by a Furfrou.
‘’Absol!’’ Harmony shouted, throwing a gray Ultra Ball which summoned an Absol. ‘’Use Night Slash,’’ she commanded. Claws cloaked in a purple light, Absol scratched the Furfrou, severely hurting it and making it run away. ‘’You’re safe now, little cell,’’ she comforted. ‘’Let’s get out of here and check out Wild Zone 12.’’.
When they got to Wild Zone 12, they continued looking for Zygarde Cells. Eventually, their search led them to an angry Alpha Abomasnow. ‘’Emboar, let’s go!’’ Harmony exclaimed, throwing a Poke Ball and sending out a large orange piglike Pokemon with flames around its neck.
‘’Meganium, come on out!’’ Urbain screamed. A green dinosaur-like Pokemon with a pink flower wreath around its neck came out of the Poke Ball that he threw. ‘’Disarming Voice!’’ he shouted. Meganium opened its mouth and shrieked, sending out pink soundwaves that hit the red eyed Abomasnow.
‘’Emboar, use Fire Punch,’’ Harmony ordered. Emboar set its fists on fire and punched the Abomasnow with them. The Abomasnow cried out in pain, and Emboar punched it with its flame-covered fists another time, leading it to collapse in agony. Harmony then searched the area for Zygarde Cells.
After a while, the sky started turning dark. ‘’Hey, look, the sky is getting dark,’’ Urbain pointed out.
‘’Yeah, let’s go to the Battle Zone,’’ Harmony replied.
On the way to the Battle Zone, Urbain said, ‘’Did you know? I’m quite glad for the things that brought us together,’’
‘’Me too, Urbain,’’ Harmony replied.

 

[Unovia]

Okay, time for my Review:
This story, "The Things That Brought Us Together", was a nice one shot. I do not know much about Harmony, Urbain, and the other characters of the piece (having not played Legends Z-A), but it was still an enjoyable piece. The dynamics between the characters were easy to follow, and having a clear time frame for the conversation (after the battle with Canari), was good. I have to say that I was not a fan of the way the dialogue was set up, as it all ran together, with no easy reading format. I admit that it distracted from the piece for me, but for a first writing, it is still okay.

I would say, great story, looking forward to more, just watch for the formatting and editing, making sure the story looks easy to read.

 

[Ness]

Simple story, my review is not going to be very long because i dont like making long reviews. Never played Z-A but this story was executed very well do wish it was slightly longer. But none of the less this was a good story due to a bunch of emotional moments

 

[kintsugi]

Hiya, and welcome to the Workshop! Glad to see you around these parts of the forums and thanks for stopping by our Roundtable this year!

I like this version of city secrets--going around finding all the Zygarde cells feels like a very natural extension of the theme, and I think the idea of these little found friendship being built by silly fetchquests and walks around the city is very nostalgic + captures the ZA vibe really well. I also liked the intro banter! I know headcanon for these guys varies wildly sometimes, but I can tell right off the bat that your Urbain is a little bit of a jokester, while Naveen is #1 Canari Stan, for example. Because these interactions are what build the meat of "what brings us together", I think it was smart to open with the friends just chatting.

I think it's sometimes helpful to have story drafts follow the question of "why". We could work backwards from the ending: the gang reflects and are grateful that they are friends. And then we can ask why! Why are they friends? Why are they feeling/reflecting on this gratitude in this moment? And I think that part of the story was a little hazy to me--they demonstrate good teamwork at battling the Alpha Abomasnow and finding the cells, but I was curious what specific events in the story made them reach the conclusion. I also think the inciting action ["let's go find some Zygarde cells!"] could also use a bit more motivation--why does Harmony decide to do this task at this time, and why is it important (both to Harmony and the reader) that it's Harmony doing it?

This is less to say that everything needs to have dramatic stakes, this isn't the day they go kickflip Ange, but more that it's helpful to know a character's motivations--why do they do what they do, why do they want what they want, and so on. Then I think cathartic endings where they're happy for the lives they have make more sense, since we can understand why they chose these things.

also, real quick, I noticed some funky commas/periods with your quotation marks:

Spoiler

You don't need to add the period outside of the quotation marks--the one inside counts! I also think you use '' (two apostrophes ' '), when you could/should use " (a quotation mark, typically what happens when you hold SHIFT and the apostrophe key). This second thing is so incredibly minor.

’’What do you want to do today, Harmony?’’ Urbain asked her, ‘’It’s not yet night time and there’s been no new Rogue Mega Evolution reports from Vinnie yet.’’.

Urbain is asking the first sentence, not the second, so you'll want "What do you want to do today, Harmony?" Urbain asked her. followed by "It's not yet night time and there's been no new [...] reports from Vinne yet." (with no trailing period)

When they were outside, Harmony told Urbain, ‘’I wanted to find more Zygarde Cells,’’. ’’Oh, there’s one!’’ Harmony exclaimed

This one would likewise be: Harmony told Urbain, "I wanted to find more Zygarde Cells. Oh, there's one!"

When they got there, Urbain shouted, ‘’Look, there’s one of those Zygarde Cell thingies!’’.

’Let’s get out of here and check out Wild Zone 12.’’.

Hope this makes sense! Dialogue punctuation is kind of a pain and I think you've got most of the tricky things except for this one.

This was a lot of fun! Love how you captured the ZA group dynamic here. Thanks for sharing!

 

[PokePal15]

Here's my review for "The Things That Brought Us Together":

It was a fun slice-of-life piece. Very simple and quick, though the formatting did make it hard to follow. I think it was the perfect length for what it was about, though expansion wouldn't be a bad idea (see below).

I did enjoy this little bit at the beginning: "The noisy sound of the doorbell jolted Harmony from her peaceful slumber. ‘’I’m awake,’’ she muttered." It feels very realistic (I know I've certainly felt that way when I get woken up unexpectedly). As has been stated previously, the banter and conversations between characters do feel authentic and we do get a good sense of who the are based on what they say.

The few issues I have with this are in the formatting of the fic. It was such a short piece and it was hard to make distinctions between what certain characters said at times. In the future, I would suggest making a clearer distinction between the voices of the characters when you write dialogue so it's easier for readers to follow. And maybe, because it was so short, you could perhaps think about expanding a bit more on some of the characters. While it's certainly not necessary as readers seem to get a good grasp on things with what you have here, adding a bit more detail or mixing up your word choice could do wonders. For instance, in the line ‘’What do you want this early in the morning, Urbain?’’ Harmony asked," if you change that "asked" to something like "grumbled" or "yawned" or "sighed," it would emphasize the early morning wake-up call she had just gotten. Not fully necessary, just something to think.

These quick "a day in the life of..." fics don't need a big plot to be fun. Sometimes simple is better and you've shown that wonderfully here.

 

[RichestAirPirate]

Conten Warnings: N/A

‘’Ding dong’’, rang the dusty doorbell of Room 202. The noisy sound of the doorbell jolted Harmony from her peaceful slumber. ‘’I’m awake,’’ she muttered. She got out of bed, looked at the clock, noticing that it was only seven fifteen in the morning and opened the chocolate brown door, which revealed Urbain outside.
‘’Congratulations on getting to Rank E!’’ Urbain said.
‘’What do you want this early in the morning, Urbain?’’ Harmony asked.
‘’I wanted to congratulate you on getting to Rank E,’’ Urbain answered.
‘’Oh, thank you,’’ Harmony replied. She trudged down the stairs and into the living room, where Naveen and Lida were sitting.
‘’Still salty that Harmony beat Cannoli?’’ Urbain questioned Naveen jokingly.
‘’For one thing, her name’s Canari!’’ Naveen answered, annoyed.
’’What do you want to do today, Harmony?’’ Urbain asked her, ‘’It’s not yet night time and there’s been no new Rogue Mega Evolution reports from Vinnie yet.’’.
’’I want to go and explore Lumiose City,’’ Harmony said. She strolled out the door of Hotel Z. Urbain decided to follow her outside.
When they were outside, Harmony told Urbain, ‘’I wanted to find more Zygarde Cells,’’. ’’Oh, there’s one!’’ Harmony exclaimed, lifting up a wilted auburn leaf. She tucked it into her satchel and went around looking for more cells. Walking around the courtyard of Hotel Z and eventually leaving for the Vert Sector, Harmony did not take her eyes off the ground and kept on looking for squishy Zygarde Cells. Urbain tagged along like a Furfrou tagging alongside its Trainer. They went all over the Vert Sector, before deciding to check out Wild Zone 11.
When they got there, Urbain shouted, ‘’Look, there’s one of those Zygarde Cell thingies!’’. Harmony looked to where Urbain was pointing and saw a bright green Zygarde Cell. She ran to the location of the cell, only to be stopped by a Furfrou.
‘’Absol!’’ Harmony shouted, throwing a gray Ultra Ball which summoned an Absol. ‘’Use Night Slash,’’ she commanded. Claws cloaked in a purple light, Absol scratched the Furfrou, severely hurting it and making it run away. ‘’You’re safe now, little cell,’’ she comforted. ‘’Let’s get out of here and check out Wild Zone 12.’’.
When they got to Wild Zone 12, they continued looking for Zygarde Cells. Eventually, their search led them to an angry Alpha Abomasnow. ‘’Emboar, let’s go!’’ Harmony exclaimed, throwing a Poke Ball and sending out a large orange piglike Pokemon with flames around its neck.
‘’Meganium, come on out!’’ Urbain screamed. A green dinosaur-like Pokemon with a pink flower wreath around its neck came out of the Poke Ball that he threw. ‘’Disarming Voice!’’ he shouted. Meganium opened its mouth and shrieked, sending out pink soundwaves that hit the red eyed Abomasnow.
‘’Emboar, use Fire Punch,’’ Harmony ordered. Emboar set its fists on fire and punched the Abomasnow with them. The Abomasnow cried out in pain, and Emboar punched it with its flame-covered fists another time, leading it to collapse in agony. Harmony then searched the area for Zygarde Cells.
After a while, the sky started turning dark. ‘’Hey, look, the sky is getting dark,’’ Urbain pointed out.
‘’Yeah, let’s go to the Battle Zone,’’ Harmony replied.
On the way to the Battle Zone, Urbain said, ‘’Did you know? I’m quite glad for the things that brought us together,’’
‘’Me too, Urbain,’’ Harmony replied.

Review for The Things that Brought Us Together

Hey hey! Some slice of life stuff! And with Team MZ, no less! Those guys are perfect for a fic like that!

It's a short fic, but that's just fine. I like that this fic takes place after Harmony and Urbain hit rank E, and I especially like that Urbain mispronounces Canari, much to the chagrin of Naveen. Also, neat little cameo of him. He's kinda my favorite ZA character.

But alas, this fic is about Harmony and Urbain. Harmony's wish to explore Lumiose is really nice, especially considering that she's meant to just be a tourist visiting Lumiose. I can imagine that her wanting to look around casually is a nice break on her Pokémon journey.

Now, here comes something odd. Harmony wants to collect Zygarde cells. Strangely, that's not something she's meant to do? That's L's job. However, I can assume that Harmony's just kinda taking a load of that wandering man's schedule so I guess it works out still. I do like that Urbain dresses them as "Thingies," signifying that he's not really familiar with it. That's a neat touch.

I like that they visit wild zones to hunt for cells, even battling wild Pokémon in order to get a few. And the Alpha Abomasnow in Wild Zone 12 is accurate! That's more or less guaranteed to show up there! The sky getting dark and the idea of heading to battle zones is a good way to end it too.

However, I do have a few gripes. For one, I think your formatting is off. Lines a bit too close to each other and thus make it harder to read. And I also believe you should make new line for whenever you go from one character's dialogue and actions to another. Like, double space lines, basically.

‘’Emboar, use Fire Punch,’’ Harmony ordered.

This is gonna sound super nitpicky but I wish Harmony sounded more urgent or loud here. Like, "Ember, use Fire Punch!" or something like that. Something with more exclamation.

Overall, this was a cute fic. A short one but a nice one. I liked it!

 

[System Error]

Rounding the table continues, and you're next!

- The formatting here makes this a bit rough. Seen it happen before: some word processors automatically make a big line break and when you copy it over, it isn't retained. Something to watch for.
- Yeah, I can totally see the doorbell being dusty from the lore.
- Times are hyphenated, so you'd say it's seven-fifteen.
- Okay as stilted as it is I did laugh at the exchange that went like, congrats, okay why are you here, to say congrats.
- Could be a bit of an extra paragraph showing Naveen before she gets questioned on saltiness. Comes a bit out of nowhere.
- Well I hope it isn't anywhere close to night after she wakes up!
- Double period as the end of the sentence above. There's a few instances of these here and there; having one in the quotes is correct.
- That didn't take long to find a cell. Like seconds after she says she's going to find them.
- ...is the gift Absol in an Ultra Ball? I forgot and had to turn the game on to check, it's in a regular one. Well, I guess she could've just caught another.
- You alternatively hyphenate and then don't hyphenate when saying piglike and dinosaur-like. Should try to be consistent.
- Jeez, these wilds don't even get the chance to fight back.
- Could probably just have Urbain say the sky is getting dark without the narration.
- Nice little ending.

Mmm. kintsugi mostly summed up what I have to say about this. I'll add that it could've been expanded. Like Naveen just gets one line, Lida just gets a mention. They could've been cut with little consequence. Or they could've bantered a bit more before they went out to cell hunt! The story's about everything that brought them together, so with the format, they could've reminisced on some of it. Just some suggestions. All the same, I like what you have here, and think there's potential to be so much more! Keep at it, and hope to see more from you!

 

[Apopheniac]

This might just be me, but I felt like I had a hard time figuring what you were going for with the characters' personalities. I'll confess that I didn't pay a ton of attention to their dialogue in LZA, which probably doesn't help, though I felt like it was difficult to get a sense for why they hung out together and enjoyed each others' company in this story.

I think it's sometimes helpful to have story drafts follow the question of "why". We could work backwards from the ending: the gang reflects and are grateful that they are friends. And then we can ask why! Why are they friends? Why are they feeling/reflecting on this gratitude in this moment? And I think that part of the story was a little hazy to me--they demonstrate good teamwork at battling the Alpha Abomasnow and finding the cells, but I was curious what specific events in the story made them reach the conclusion. I also think the inciting action ["let's go find some Zygarde cells!"] could also use a bit more motivation--why does Harmony decide to do this task at this time, and why is it important (both to Harmony and the reader) that it's Harmony doing it?

To expand on kintsugi's comment, it might help to think of dialogue as both a way for the characters to communicate with each other and as an alternate means of narration for the reader's benefit. Particularly for a story like this, in which you want to emphasize characters' personalities and relationships, this also lets you create opportunities for the characters to exchange quips and bon mots that reflect their friendship. A couple of examples:

’’What do you want to do today, Harmony?’’ Urbain asked her, ‘’It’s not yet night time and there’s been no new Rogue Mega Evolution reports from Vinnie yet.’’.
’’I want to go and explore Lumiose City,’’ Harmony said. She strolled out the door of Hotel Z. Urbain decided to follow her outside.

Harmony's departure here is abrupt, and she sort of leaves Urbain and Naveen hanging here; if you were to do this in real life, people would think you're rude. You could expand the dialogue here to have one of Urbain or Naveen ask where/why she wants to explore, then Harmony explains and mentions why she wants to look for Zygarde Cells, then have her ask if they'd want to accompany her, then the two boys could answer her with their own motivations for staying or leaving.

Urbain tagged along like a Furfrou tagging alongside its Trainer. They went all over the Vert Sector, before deciding to check out Wild Zone 11.

‘’Let’s get out of here and check out Wild Zone 12.’’.
When they got to Wild Zone 12, they continued looking for Zygarde Cells.

Why do they go to Wild Zone 11, then 12? While Harmony and Urbain justify this action to each other and the reader, you could then have them comment on the search, or argue about where they should go, or say how they feel about where they're going, or talk about the Furfrou trying to eat (?) the cell, or worry about something or someone, or mention they're hungry and need to pee, or crack a joke about someone who's not there, or speculate about what the cells are for, or anything else.

After a while, the sky started turning dark. ‘’Hey, look, the sky is getting dark,’’ Urbain pointed out.
‘’Yeah, let’s go to the Battle Zone,’’ Harmony replied.

Even though this decision might be obvious to someone who's familiar with LZA, you could still have Harmony mention why she wants to partake in the Royale instead of continuing their search, going to bed, whatever, and then this could segue into a reflection on the day, a larger back-and-forth, etc.

I do like the concept of following these kids around as they chill to be solid and I like how you handled the sequence of events. I'm sure you've got a lot of ideas about what you think they should be like, and I think this piece would read a lot better if you wrote more of that down.

 

[Welkamo]

Banter was a lot of fun in this one! I think there’s something uniquely pleasant about slice of life stories where the stakes are low and the main focus is on bonding over small quests.

There are some general formatting/grammar/style issues here and there that others have gone into in more detail. The dialogue especially felt a bit clunky: grammatically, each new character speaking should be a new paragraph, and stylistically, there are a lot of dialogue tags used and the ones that are used feel very “avoid said at all costs”. Both those things, especially the latter, improve with experience. In writing, and in reading. I won’t go too much further into things so that I don’t step on other reviewers’ toes lol (they have some very good points 100/10).

Recommended reading:

The Elements of Style by Strunk and White (one of the big boy overviews on grammar and style in English writing)

From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler by E. L. Konigsburg was a pretty big part of my childhood reading. The vibe is a bit different from this story, but there is a whimsy in running away and living in a big old museum with your brother.

I don’t know you too well, but I think you might be the type of person to enjoy Alice Oseman’s work. Similar “young people bonding and encountering everyday conflicts” vibes.

@LightningTopaz , @Catz , @RichestAirPirate , and @Viridian Beedrill ’s work (have similar slice of life themes and low stakes with characters. Specifics vary from author to author.)

 

[Kathylikestoread]

I pasted this from a Google Doc, so that may explain the formatting.

 

[RichestAirPirate]

I pasted this from a Google Doc, so that may explain the formatting.

I know how that feels. I used to have that problem.

Try downloading your .docx as a Microsoft word doc first and then copy pasting it. The formatting should be a little better.