The Ultimate Pokemon Cliche Catalogue

[TRF-chan]

Yes, yes, I know...I should've been working on Neo-Poke. Bad me. But as my sig says, I can't control where my inspiration flows. It happened to flow towards this, as you can see.

Disclaimer: I do not own Pokemon or any of its characters. They belong to Satoshi Tajiri, Nintendo, and (regrettably) 4Kids. I also don’t own this idea entirely. It’s based off ClamChowder1’s ‘The Ultimate Harry Potter Cliché Catalogue’ so if you like HP be sure to read it!

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[SCENE: A RANDOM HOUSE IN PALLET TOWN]

ALARM CLOCK
BEEPBEEPBEEPEBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

RANDOM BOY HENCEFORTH KNOWN AS MARTY-STU
Oh my golly gosh! Look at the time! I’m late!

[~He gets out of bed in his PAJAMAS. We realize the AUTHOR is attempting to make us feel NOSTALGIA. It DOESN’T WORK; we are DISGUSTED by his/her ABUSE of OVERDONE PLOT CONCEPT #231~]

MARTY-STU
Well, in that case, I’d better run to Prof. Oak’s in my pajamas. It’s the only logical course.

[~We wonder if Marty knows ANYTHING about FIRST APPEARANCES. We also wonder if the AUTHOR knows anything about ORIGINALITY~]

MARTY-STU’S MOTHER
See you dear! Somehow, I am not at all concerned about letting my immature ten-year-old child roam through the world and back alone, so don’t worry about me while you’re away.

MARTY-STU
Sweet! Like, mondo cool man!

[~We BEG the author to STOP using CORNY AMERICAN SLANG. It is used TEN TIMES MORE in the future~]

[~MARTY runs to Prof. Oak’s. He is somehow mysteriously ALIVE despite the author’s CLAIM that this story takes place THIRTY YEARS after the Ash’s journey ends~]

PROF. OAK
Hello Marty-Stu. Well, I’m afraid you’ve come slightly late. You see, I’ve already given away my three starter Pokemon.

MARTY-STU
Oh please Professor! You must have some Pokemon around here! I’ve wanted to be a Pokemon Trainer for an unoriginally long amount of time!

[~He attempts PUPPY-EYES. SOMEHOW this works~]

PROF. OAK
Oh fine. As I am obligated to further plot, I will go against my better judgment here.

[~He walks into a room CONVENIENTLY labeled ‘RARE POKEMON FOR PEOPLE NAMED MARY-SUE AND/OR MARTY-STU’ and comes out with a RARE-LOOKING pokeball. We decide NOT to ponder how a pokeball can look RARE~]

MARTY-STU
Oh joy and unparallel happiness! A wittle Pokemon for my very own!

[~He opens the pokeball. Inside is something RARE and EXCITING. Most likely a PIKACHU, LARVITAR, ABSOL, or ANY RANDOM PREHISTORIC POKEMON THAT HAS SOMEHOW BECOME OBTAINABLE~]

MARTY-STU
Super dooper! Come new little buddy, and let us venture out into the world!

[~They walk outside~]

DUDLEY OAK
I am Prof. Oak’s great-grandson, and for reasons never fully explained, I completely loathe you. Now, watch me stand here like a moron and glare sinisterly at you!

[~He DOES. The readers BANG their HEADS against the COMPUTER MONITER~]

MARTY-STU
I do not like you. You are weird and quite possibly better than me, though the author will never admit it. I think we should become mortal enemies now.

DUDLEY OAK
Cool beans!

[~They DO SO. This involves an OVERLY LONG and DRAWN OUT battle that Marty WINS with his RARE and EXCITING Pokemon~]

DUDLEY OAK
I hate you.

[~He RUNS away. The READERS are beginning to SHARE his opinion on MARTY~]

MARTY-STU
Well be that way then, poop head! Since I won I was about to extend the hand of friendship but…meh.

[~Marty travels to VIRIDIAN FOREST. He catches EVERY TYPE OF POKEMON IMAGINEABLE that resides there. Suddenly, the author REALIZES that there are NO SUPPORTING CHARACTERS~]

AUTHOR
Wahahahahahaha! I know just how to fix this!

BRACK STONE
Hello there young, mysterious trainer.

MISSY KETCHUM
We’ve just randomly appeared out of nowhere to provide comic relief, character development, and good cooking skills!

[~MISSY sees a BUG POKEMON. She SCREAMS. Not even the EASILY AMUSED readers laugh~]

BRACK
I think I’ll take out my conveniently placed cooking supplies and make us some donuts/rice balls/whatever 4Kids decides to call them today.

[~Things continue on in this way. We find out Missy trains WATER pokemon and Brack trains ROCK pokemon. We wish we could be even HALFWAY surprised about ANYTHING at this point~]

AUTHOR
Isn’t this fic just like, the coolest thing under sun?

READERS
No, it sucks.

AUTHOR
I knew you all loved it! Don’t worry, here I am with more!

[~READERS glance at the new chapter and are BLINDED by its IDIOCY. The AUTHOR whistles a MERRY TUNE and does not notice~]

MARTY-STU
Well look! Here I am in Pewter City and nothing remotely Team Rocket-related has happened yet. I demand to see my lawyer; this is getting boring, even for me!

[~Several readers AGREE and go to STARE AT THEIR SOCK DRAWERS, as it is a much more PLEASING and FUN activity~]

AUTHOR
But wait! There’s a reason Team Rocket isn’t here!

[~The AUTHOR gives us some LAME EXCUSE vaguely involving ASH, GIOVANNI, PIKACHU, A PAPERCLIP, AND A CUP OF TEA~]

TEAM ROCKET FANS
You’re the worst author ever.

[~They write RUDE FLAMES and LEAVE~]

AUTHOR
Noooooo! Come back!

[~The author hastily MAKES UP several TEAM ROCKET CHARACTERS~]

ROSE MORGAN
Prepare for trouble like you’ve never seen!

BOTCH SMITH
Make it double, this fic is so lame we want to scream!

[~The author TRIES to make us HATE these characters. Instead, they end up being the ONLY HALFWAY DECENT aspect of the fic~]

MARTY-STU
You are evil villains!

[~READERS let out a collective ‘WELL DUH!’~]

MARTY-STU
Now, I shall use my rare and exciting pokemon to beat you shitless!

[~He DOES and Team Rocket BLASTS OFF. Suddenly, a HEAVENLY LIGHT envelopes the area they are in and MEWTWO appears~]

MEWTWO
Marty-Stu! You are the fabled Chosen Dude of legend!

MARTY-STU
What legend?

[~Mewtwo rambles about something that makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER~]

10 READERS
This is the worst story I’ve ever read. It’s B.S. seriously. Worst thing to happen to the beautiful Japanese culture since the atomic bomb. I need to leave before it rots half my brain cells.

[NINE of the TEN leave GRAMMATICALLY INEPT flames. The author SHAMEFULLY deletes them. The TENTH leaves a WELL-CONSTRUCTED paragraph of CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. The Author promptly uses the author notes before the next chapter to VICIOUSLY MAKE FUN OF the tenth person~]

MARTY-STU
Wowzer! I wouldn’t have expected something like that in a million years!

[~The remaining readers WISH they COULD SAY THE SAME~]

MISSY
Oh Marty, you are so wonderful and good! I will now completely disregard the fact that the author has been making us engage in pointless, yet amusing fights throughout the story and bask in your wondrousness for a full two chapters before returning to normal.

MARTY-STU
Oh no, don’t you get all gushy over me.

BRACK
Why not? I mean, just the other day you wished that Missy would one day be…

MARTY-STU
Shush you! I’m performing my ‘modest, uncertain hero’ act!

BRACK
Ah, I see.

[~The readers wish THEY could see the POINT of this CONVERSATION~]

[SCENE: A Pokemon Center two days after the Mewtwo thing. Mewtwo has SURPRISINGLY joined Marty’s team. This is SHOCKING to the two people in the UNIVERSE who haven’t seen TWENTY-TWO MILLION fics JUST LIKE THIS floating around FF.NET~]

MISSY
I am secretly in love with Marty-Stu, though I don’t show it. I am so afraid he does not like me back, that I go through all pains to prevent me from even looking like I think he’s a nice person. In other words, I behave like a bitch. I am so anguished.

[~She heaves SEVERAL ANGUISHED SOBS. We are meant to FEEL SORRY for her, but we DON’T~]

BRACK
Woohoo! Look at that Nurse Joy! Oh, and there goes an Officer Jenny! Look at the legs on her! I am so like my father that I bet half of you don’t know the difference!

READERS
Oh yeah…he’s Brock’s son. I remember now…vaguely.

MARTY-STU
Hey Missy, do you want to come to the soda machine and get a soda with me?

MISSY
I’d love to—er…I mean, go get a soda by your damn self you retarded squirrel!

[~It is PAINFULLY OBVIOUS to even a DEAF, BLIND PIKACHU ON DRUGS that Missy likes Marty-Stu. SOMEHOW, Marty manages NOT TO PICK UP ON IT~]

AUTHOR
Ha! Aren’t I such a wonderful romantic angst writer?

[~Readers GROAN and decide not to argue with the HIGHLY DELUSIONAL author anymore~]

[~Marty’s adventures go on for many more GRUELING PAGES OF TORTURE. When he wins the Boulder and Cascade badges, the readers begin to get ANNOYED. When he wins the Thunder badge, they get ANGRY. When he receives the Rainbow badge, the FLY INTO A MAD RAGE. After he gets the Soul badge, the become MILDLY DEPRESSED. Once he defeats Sabrina for the Marsh badge, the depression INCREASES TEN FOLD. When he gets the Volcano badge they TAKE AN OVERDOSE OF TYLENOL. Finally, when he beats Giovanni, they POINT A LOADED HANDGUN AT THEIR HEADS~]

MARTY-STU
Super-de-dooper! I have beaten Giovanni for my final badge and somehow disbanded Team Rocket!

[~The author feeds us a VAGUE STORY involving GIOVANNI, MARTY-STU, HIS RARE AND EXCITING POKEMON, A PAPERCLIP, AND A CUP OF TEA~]

TEAM ROCKET FANS
Now I really hate you.

[~They leave AGAIN~]

[SCENE: Marty has somehow gotten to Indigo Plateau and is in the finals against his ARCH NEMESIS DUDLEY OAK~]

DUDLEY OAK
Hahahahaha jelly brain! I will beat you once and for all!

[~They BATTLE. Even the MOST DIM-WITTED readers can see that Dudley SHOULD HAVE WON. However, AN OVERCONTRIVED PLOT SCHEME aids Marty in WINNING~]

MARTY-STU
Yay! I’m so happy! This is such an honor! Mom, are you watching this?

[~His mother is AT HOME WATCHING SOAP OPERAS. She DOES NOT CARE about Marty. She is NOT THE ONLY ONE~]

[~The readers with guns pointed at their heads FIRE THEM AND DIE~]

AUTHOR
Wasn’t that the best story you’ve ever read? Well don’t worry, it’s not over! Tune in next week to see Marty and Missy in the Orange Islands with a new companion called Trace!

[~The story is NEVER CONTINUED. We are not sure if it is because the author LOST INTEREST or because they were ARRESTED FOR PROMOTING SUICIDE AMONG FANFIC READERS~]
***********************************************************************
Was that ok? Anywho, I have a list of what I’m going to parody next, in no particular order:

Team Rocket backstories
Angst/Dark
Romance
Action/Adventure
Pointless Humor
Crossovers
AU
(Insert character here)’s long lost siblings
Parodies (yes, a parody of parodies)
OOC Rocketshipping
Generic AAML

Anything else you think I should cover?

 

[A Concerned Solomon]

Do the Long Lost Siblings! I love those. *punches Marty-Stu* Freaking die!

 

[TRF-chan]

You think I should do long lost sibling? Ok! I should get to that later tonight, so hopefully I update soon. ^_^ And yes, death to Marty-Stu. *Straps him to a rocket launcher and sends him to Pluto*

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

*laughs hysterically*

Although, not to quibble, it would be perfectly feasable to have Oak still alive in 30 years, as he's only in his early 50s. Remember, not only are lifespans getting longer, but in that world they have advanced medicine.

 

[Fig]

Hey, be nice on long-lost siblings!

Sometime they're necessary plot element. As long as it's not what the fic is about, but rather used to introduce a plot point, ie tie in a major *good guy* character to Team Rocket.

Not that I've been known to do that, or anything like it...

*whistles*

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

Well, cliches don't *have* to be done badly, it's just they usually are.

 

[TRF-chan]

Thanks for the feedback! Hum...I guess Oak would be alive after thirty years...*sweeps that plot hole under the floor* .

Heh, and yeah, I've read some cliches that aren't bad...but like Blackjack said, a good few of them are. In fact, I'm wondering if I should pay more attention to what I wrote in the first chapter and edit the future chapters I have planned for Neo-Poke slightly.

And yes, not all long lost siblings are bad, but hey, it's fun to make fun of the ones who are! *Smiles deviously*.

Though like I said in the author notes after that chapter, I don't think this one is as good as the first one, so I'd appreciate you guys telling me what you think.

Disclaimer: Once again, I don’t own Pokemon or its characters, and this idea is credited to ClamChowder1. Thank you, and goodnight.
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[~SCENE: A RANDOM CAMPSITE WHERE ASH AND FRIENDS ARE~]

ASH
Oh boy, I can’t wait to get my next gym badge!

[~The author NEVER SPECIFIES which gym badge he is waiting to get. It is NOT IMPORTANT because soon Ash and co. will be too caught up in FINDING OUT THE DARK SECRETS OF SOME ORIGINAL CHARACTERS to care~]

MISTY
Look at me! I have mysteriously rejoined with Ash for no good reason! Lalalala!

[~Pokeshippers SALIVATE in anticipation for an Ash/Misty romance that will NEVER COME~]

TRACEY
I am here also, for an even less good reason than Misty!

BROCK
Now that we have that established, let’s all join hands in a circle and sing songs about friendship!

MAY AND MAX
Fun!

[~They DO THIS. It is also for NO GOOD REASON, as is most everything in lost siblings stories. We would do well to REMEMBER this focus on the real characters because once (INSERT CHARACTER HERE)’S LONG LOST SIBLING(S) arrive, it will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN~]

[~Suddenly a MYSTERIOUS GIRL walks into the camp~]

MYSTERIOUS GIRL
Like, OMG, it’s my twin brother Ash!

[~She SQUEALS and GLOMPS ASH. Ash DOES NOT KNOW WHO THE HECK SHE IS~]

BROCK
Wow, what a hot girl. I think I’ll hit on her when Ash isn’t looking.

[~He does this SO MANY TIMES IT IS NOT EVEN REMOTELY FUNNY ANYMORE by the end of the fic~]

ASH
Who are you, mysterious girl who looks shockingly like me?

MYSTERIOUS GIRL
Don’t you recognize your own sister? Why it is I, Ashley Ketchum!

ASH
Little sister?! It’s YOU?!

READERS
Didn’t you say they were twins before?

AUTHOR
Erm…oh crap…

[~The author QUICKLY informs us that Ash calls Ashley ‘little sister’ for NO GOOD REASON. Actually, the author gives a reason, it’s just not GOOD~]

ASHLEY
Yes, it is I! I escaped from the clutches of our evil father just yesterday and have come in search of you!

ASH
Why didn’t you go to mom?

[~Ashley CRIES into an EXPENSIVE, WELL-PLACED HANDKERCIEF. It has the ROCKET INSIGNIA on it. The readers think their father might be GIOVANNI, but decide that, knowing the author, the insignia was mentioned for NO GOOD REASON~]

ASHLEY
Oh Ashton! He…he burned down our house in Pallet Town a mere week ago and…she died…he made me see the body…

[~She CRIES MORE. We are supposed to feel sorry for HER, but we DON’T. We feel more sorry for ASH~]

ASH
What?! Oh, if only I were there! I could have protected her…I could have protected you from the grotesque site of her disfigured body!

[~Ash fangirls WAIL at their favorite character’s SORROW. They DO NOT NOTICE how OOC he behaved by knowing what the words ‘GROTESQUE’ and ‘DISFIGURED’ meant, not to mention USING THEM IN A SENTENCE~]

MAY
It’s ok Ash, I’ll—er, we’ll always be here for you. And her.

[~Rabid Pokeshippers SNARL and begin to FOAM AT THE MOUTH~]

AUTHOR
Eep! Fine!

[~Misty KNOCKS MAY OVER and takes her place by Ash’s side. Afore-mentioned Pokeshippers LAUGH HEARTILY~]

MISTY
Don’t worry, we’ll find your father and avenge this!

[~Ashley SOBS MORE at the mention of her father. The readers decide that Ash and co. would do well to BUY A BOAT so they don’t DROWN~]

[SCENE: TEAM ROCKET’S CAMPSITE~]

JAMES
Hey Jessie, have I ever told you about my long lost sister?

JESSIE
No.

JAMES
Well, I have one.

JESSIE
That’s nice.

JAMES
She was beautiful and she didn’t like our parents anymore than me. She ran away before I did. I wish I could see her again.

[~He gives a SIGH OF LONGING. Suddenly, a PURPLE-HAIRED WOMAN WHOM THE AUTHOR DESCRIBES AS BEING ‘BEAUTFUL AS A GODDESS’ randomly walks into the campsite~]

PURPLE-HAIRED WOMAN
Oh no! I have accidentally been reading this map of Hoenn upside-down despite the fact that I am allegedly one of the smartest women on the planet and have hiked across the whole Pokemon World and sailed the whole seven seas before now! Whatever shall I do?

JAMES
You look like my sister, Jaime!

JAIME
Oh my goodness gracious me! Is that you, James?!

[~She SWEEPS HER LITTLE BROTHER UP IN A HUG~]

JAMES
Since you are an astoundingly strong woman, which the author forgot to mention until this very moment, I think this would be an opportune time to say ‘Can’t…breathe…’

JAIME
Sorry!

[~She lets go of him. James fans GLARE AT HER IN AN UNPLEASANT WAY for NEARLY STRANGLING HIM~]

JESSIE
Wow! This is your sister? As she is so beautiful, I feel uncharacteristically obligated to compliment her and say she is even more beautiful me…out loud!

TEAM ROCKET FANS
Freak.

[~They give the author a VIRTUAL KICK IN THE SHINS and LEAVE~]

AUTHOR
My…my shinsies! Ooooooooow!

[~The author’s ALLEGED LEG PAIN prevents him/her from updating for a while. The world is just about to breathe a SIGH OF RELIEF when it is updated AGAIN~]

[SCENE: A RANDOM POKEMON CENTER~]

TRACEY
You know what? Now that I’ve seen Ash with his sister, I feel incredible longing to see my family again. Even if I am estranged from them for some vague reason that the author never bothers to explain.

[~Tracey’s ANGST spans EIGHT CHAPTERS as he watches Ash and Ashley FROLIC and BE HAPPY~]

THREE CHILDREN
Oooooh, mommy, it’s Tracey!

[~Two YOUNG ADULTS and THREE CHILDREN have walked into the Pokemon Center with THEIR PARENTS. They all look COINCIDENTALLY LIKE TRACEY, EXCEPT IT’S NOT A COINCIDENCE~]

TRACEY’S MOM
Oh my god! I thought we got rid of you—uh…I mean…er…

[~Tracey fans NEED TO BE RESTRAINED from ATTACKING his mother~]

OLDEST BOY
Lookie here, it’s geeky Tracey. Met Prof. Oak yet, punk?

TRACEY
Actually yes, and I work for him most of the time.

[~Tracey fans GIVE HIS OLDEST BROTHER THE FINGER~]

TRACEY’S DAD
This is extremely convenient. I think your mother and I will just drop off all your siblings with you for no good reason.

[~They do this and SKIP AWAY MERRILY to go on a CRUISE. They never make it though, because rabid Tracey fans MURDER THEM before they get there~]

TRACEY
You know what? I think we should stop being estranged and be friends!

HIS SIBLINGS
Nah, much more entertaining this way.

[~They PICK ON HIM. They THROW SPIT WADS AT HIM and STICK GUM IN HIS HAIR. He is MISERABLE, but still tries to be kind to them because he is a NICE PERSON. After three chapters of MORE TRACEY ANGST, he gains their respect for NO GOOD REASON and everyone is FRIENDS~]

ASHLEY
Hey Ash, would you like to have a random battle?

ASH
Sure big sister!

READERS
‘Big’ sister?

AUTHOR
Um…

[~The author STAMMERS and LEAVES THE COUNTRY. The author’s DERANGED 2ND COUSIN ONCE REMOVED continues the story from the laptop in their room with PADDED WALLS at an ASYLUM FOR THE MENTALLY INSANE. We cannot, for the life of us, DETERMINE THE DIFFERENCE~]

[~Ash and Ashley battle. We find out Ashley has a PIKACHU, in addition to SEVERAL OTHER CUTE POKEMON THAT SEEM TO CHANGE BY THE WEEK. All of her pokemon KICK ASH’S BUTT in battle~]

ASHLEY
I think I will now decide to let my Pikachu out of its pokeball all the time—for no good reason!

ALL CHARACTERS
Yay!

[~They are HAPPY. They have apparently FORGOTTEN about Ash and Ashley’s MENTALLY UNSTABLE MURDERER FATHER~]

[SCENE: ANOTHER TEAM ROCKET CAMPSITE]

JAIME
…And anyway, I think you should all quit Team Rocket and become the owners of a store selling only Renaissance clothing!

JESSIE, JAMES, AND MEOWTH
Since you are so wonderful, wise, and good, who are we to argue? Ok!

[~They set off to DO THIS. It is the LAST TIME they are EVER MENTIONED in this fic~]

REMAINING TEAM ROCKET FANS
That was just a cheap way to get rid of them so that you’d have less to write about! You’re an evil bitch! I hate you!

[~They GRAFFITI several tunnels with the words ‘J&J&M 4EVER’ before coming back to FLAME THE FIC and LEAVE~]

[SCENE: A RANDOM PLATEAU NEAR A RANDOM TOWN IN A RANDOM COUNTRY THAT IS NOT KANTO, JOHTO, OR HOENN~]

ASH AND ASHLEY’S FATHER
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I am a complete psycho, can you tell?

REMAINING READERS
Yes we can tell, now for god’s sake, stop typing ‘hahaha’.

[~Ash and Ashley’s father is DISAPPOINTED~]

ASH AND ASHLEY’S FATHER
Sure you can tell?

[~The readers ready several BOMBS and point them in the direction of the AUTHOR’S HOME~ ]

AUTHOR
Geez, you spoil sports. Have it your way then!

[~The author gives a DRAMATIC SIGH and stops typing ‘HAHAHAHA’~]

ASHLEY
Who are you anywho? I lived with you for how many years and you never took that fricken veil off your face.

ASH AND ASHLEY’S FATHER
Fine. As you are about to die, I suppose it is my job to humor you in this extremely cliché way.

[~He TAKES OFF THE VEIL. Everyone GASPS~]

ASH
It’s…it’s…THE COMPLETELY RANDOM GUY! NOOOOOOOOO! HOW COULD IT BE?!

ASH AND ASHLEY’S FATHER
Completely random—oh wait, I get it.

[~He takes off his COMPLETELY RANDOM GUY MASK to reveal GIOVANNI. The readers who figured that Ashley’s handkerchief had the Rocket Insignia for NO GOOD REASON are angrily cursing the author out~]

READERS
You *beep*ing *beep*er! Rot in *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*!

[~They are given SEDATIVES and put in the SAME MENTAL ASYLUM as the AUTHOR~]

ASH
Oh my gosh! It’s Giovanni!

GIOVANNI
Ash, I am your father…together—oh screw, it, I’m gonna kill you.

ASH
Darn. Do I still get yell ‘NEVER!’ and lose a hand?

GIOVANNI
No.

ASH
You’re the worst dad ever.

GIOVANNI
And I care because…?

[~He BRANDISHES a CHAIN SAW that appeared out of NOWHERE~]

GIOVANNI
Now you die, brats.

[~He LUNGES at Ash. Just as we are sure that Ash’s life is OVER, Ashley BRAVELY jumps in the way and DIES. We are supposed to be SAD, but we’re NOT~]

GIOVANNI
Oh no! Upon seeing my poor, dead daughter, I suddenly have enough remorse not to kill my son. I will now go somewhere else and change my ways!

[~He RUNS OFF and ends up in OUR WORLD. He then goes under the name MICHAEL JACKSON~]

(No offense to Michael Jackson fans…eh…*Avoids rotten tomatoes* )

MAY AND MISTY
Oh Ashley, you were so brave. We will miss you, as during the time we were together the three of us suddenly became best friends. We are sad. Boo-hoo.

[~They CRY. Soon, EVERYONE is crying because Ashley was SO LOVABLE. Even the pokemon in the surrounding woods who NEVER KNEW HER cry because she was SO DAMN LOVABLE. The MAGICAL TEARS of the pokemon MIRACULOUSLY restore her to LIFE~]

READERS
You cheapskate. You stole that from the first pokemon movie.

AUTHOR
…so?

[~The readers SIGH~]

ASHLEY
Oh yay! I am miraculously restored to life! Let’s go off and skip in the sunshine and pick flowers!

EVERYONE ELSE
Ok!

[~They DO~]

THE END

AUTHOR
I am the master of fanfiction. I rock so much, I myself nearly can’t believe it.

[~The readers FIRE the BOMBS mentioned before at the author’s PADDED CELL. The author LOSES BOTH ARMS and is now unable to write. The READERS go and skip in the sunshine and pick flowers~]
****************************************************************
I don’t think that was as good as the first one, what do you think? Feedback appreciated ^_^.

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

*snicker* I love Diamondshipping, and hate it when people reduce it to a cheap plot device. So consequently, this was hilarious.

 

[Shiksa ♥]

Oh gosh, TRF-chan! *giggles insanely* That was just as funny as Suzaku! And yes, that is a very high accomplishment! XD *is crazier than the "AUTHOR"* Yes, I loved how you used caps like that. This has inspired me to make meh own one of these things for some thing...lol. They were both side-splitttingly hilarious, but I think I liked teh lost siblings one more. The Tracey fans and Pokéshippers were so true. XD I vote crossovers next! Do you have teh link to the HP cliché thingy? XD

 

[TRF-chan]

Thank yee kindly, Hitchi ^^. Ok then, I'll do crossovers next. Also, here's the link to the HP one. But if you review don't mention me...I haven't exactly really *asked* Chowder-Sama for permission yet, but I will once I decide I want to but it on ff.net. *Feels guilty*

http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=921603

 

[Fig]

It was fun, but I spent part of it wincing because I did use the lost sibling point (and the children of Gio one - although I claim SOME originality points here, it was Misty and not Ash. And Sabrina instead in the later version). So yeah ^^;.

Though I think (at least in version 2) Ash retained his position as head of the group and central story focus. At least that's what I tried for.

 

[Kasumi]

*laughs histerically* I had so much fun reading this, TRF-chan. The first one is the best, but I love the Tracey part on the second one. *snickers* Quite funny how you used caps with "certain" words and how you describe the readers' feelings about the fanfic. ^^

As Hitchi, I'd love to see the crossovers next.

 

[TRF-chan]

I'm half done with crossovers, but I think I'm going to end up putting it in two. The one I'm writing right now is entirely 'Pokemon characters at Hogwarts' (and I should be wincing because I seriously want to write one of those) and the other one will have 'random anime characters spewed into the Pokeverse'.

 

[A Concerned Solomon]

That sounds like a good idea. This was once again pure brilliance and amazing. Loved the pointless return of Tracey and Misty for some reason.

 

[TRF-chan]

W00tness! I have completed the Pokemon/Harry Potter parody! It's nearly 20 pages...and was awesome fun to write. Now I want to write a real one. I think I may just like it more than the first two ^^.

Disclaimer: Nope, none of it belongs to me. Wow, so much has changed since the last chapter *sarcastic*
***********************************************************
~CROSSOVER WITH HARRY POTTER~
[SCENE: A RANDOM POKEMON CENTER IN A RANDOM TOWN]

ASH
Lalala! I have just won a random badge from a random gym leader in this random town! I am so happy!

[~Ash holds out his RANDOM BADGE and lets everyone watch it GLEAM. The readers are GLAD he is in character FOR THE MOMENT~]

MISTY AND TRACEY
Just like in the last chapter, we have rejoined Ash for no good reason. We are also happy. Lalala!

MAX
Yay! I just won ‘Nerd of the Year Award’! I am happy as well!

MAY
And I’ve been named one of the best coordinators in the world! Can you guess what emotion I’m feeling?

BROCK
Susie has acknowledged me as one of the best breeders in the world, and amazingly that girl over there actually flirted with me! Whoop-de-doo!

[~The girl in question is SEVERELY DRUNK, however Brock DOES NOT NOTICE or at least PRETENDS not to~]

ASH
Did I mention how I have also won some random league? At the risk of sounding repetitive, yay!

[~The characters stand around BEING HAPPY. The author seems to be trying to establish that they have NOTHING LEFT TO DO in this world. The intelligent readers ROLL THEIR EYES~]

JESSIE
Prepare for trouble, the author can further the plot now, we’re here!

JAMES
Make it double, the thought of what odd things we maybe forced to do make me quiver in fear!

[~They SAY THE MOTTO in a LONG, DRAWN OUT FASHION. We scroll down through HALF THE CHAPTER until they are DONE~]

MEOWTH
Now we have come up with cliché scheme numba [HASHTAG]#347[/HASHTAG] ta capture dat Pikachu!

[~Meowth presses a button and a CAGE falls over Pikachu. The dim-witted readers are AMAZED with the author’s ABILITY TO COME UP WITH DEVIOUS, ORIGINAL SCHEMES~]

PIKACHU
PI! PIKACHU! PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111

[~The readers SIGH and begin to EXERCISE their SCROLL BUTTONS again~]

ASH
Pikachu! Oh no! You are evil…you evil people!

DIM-WITTED READERS
This author is truly a genius. What a way with words.

[~Suddenly, in the use of OVERDONE PLOT CONCEPT [HASHTAG]#117[/HASHTAG], a BLACK HOLE appears out of NOWHERE and sucks ONLY ASH AND CO. AND TEAM ROCKET into itself~]

THE CHARACTERS
AAAAAAH! OH MY GOD, WE’RE GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

[~Several readers get FED UP with all the SCROLLING they’ve been forced to do and hit the ‘BACK’ button~]

[~The characters land in an UNCEREMONIOUS HEAP in the GREAT HALL at HOGWARTS just as Harry’s SIXTH YEAR is beginning~]

DUMBLEDORE
Oh good, it’s those ‘other universians’ I ordered two weeks ago. I was wondering whether they’d be coming or not.

MCGONANGALL
Well, I suppose we had better Sort them, then.

[~Ash and co. are sent to GRYFFINDOR because they are BRAVE AND NOBLE AND GOOD. Team Rocket is sent to SLYTHERIN because the author has established that they are EVIL~]

HARRY
Oh woe is me. I am an orphan. My godfather was killed by his demented cousin last June. I watched the murder of Cedric Diggory. A weird evil dark lord is after my blood. I hate my relatives. I wear dorky glasses and my hair never lies flat. I am so angst-ridden.

[~He STARES at the GRYFFINDOR TABLE and looks SAD. The readers want to HUG him and GIVE him a LOLLIPOP~]

ASH
Hello strange, tormented-looking boy! My name is Ash Ketchum and this is my friend Pikachu!

PIKACHU
Pikachuuuuuuu!

HARRY
Wow! Suddenly, I feel compelled to drop my angst and be happy! Thanks, strange non-tormented-looking boy! Let’s become best friends.

RON
Hey!

ASH
Ok.

[~They DO. Ron BRISTLES. The author tries to make him look like a JEALOUS BASTARD~]

RON FANS
You know, this fic isn’t that great. I bet this evil author will make Ron turn evil and betray Harry in the future.

[~The author GASPS~]

AUTHOR
How did you know?! Who told you?! Was it the Mystical Penguin of Aberdeen? I always knew I couldn’t trust him!

RON FANS
You asshole.

[~They are HIGHLY DISGRUNTLED, and decide to flame EVERY CHAPTER from here on out~]

[~Meanwhile Brock is SURVEYING the FEMALE STUDENT POPULACE of Hogwarts~]

BROCK
Wow! That girl with the curly hair is hot! I think I’ll ask her out! If she doesn’t say yes, maybe the red-haired one…

[~He asks both HERMIONE and GINNY out. They SLAP HIM. This is FUNNY. It is NOT FUNNY when it happens for the THREE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY BILLIONTH TIME, but the author DOES NOT CATCH ONTO THIS~]

[MEANWHILE, AT THE EVIL SLYTHERIN TABLE OF SIN AND PROSTITUTION]

MALFOY
I’m getting tired of Crabbe and Goyle. They are like, sooooo last year.

[~He spots JESSIE, JAMES, and MEOWTH. Team Rocket fans begin to WORRY~]

MALFOY
Hey you! Strange people with gaudy R’s on your shirts, and the weird cat thing! C’mere!

[~JESSIE, JAMES, and MEOWTH are AFFRONTED and DO NOT REPLY~]

TEAM ROCKET FANS
Yes!

MALFOY
I have money.

[~JESSIE, JAMES, and MEOWTH RACE OVER to Malfoy~]

TEAM ROCKET FANS
No!

JESSIE
What’s this about money?

MALFOY
I can pay you handsomely if you become my idiotic bodyguards with no free will of your own.

JAMES
What would we have to do?

MALFOY
Stand by me at all times so those dratted Gryffindors don’t try to kill me, make grunting noises—optional, laugh when I tell jokes, even if they are the stupidest things you’ve ever heard in your life, and…

[~Jessie, James and Meowth are walking down a HOGWARTS CORRIDOR the next day. Instead of their traditional uniforms, they are wearing SILVER UNIFORMS with GREEN M’S in the middle~]

JESSIE
…And who’s idea was it to agree to this again?

JAMES
Er…not mine?

[~Jessie WHACKS HIM WITH A PAPER FAN just BECAUSE~]

JESSIE
Watch me whack my companion with a paper fan! It shows how evil and Slytherinish I am! Can you see my evilness yet? Can you see it? If not, can you see the comic value of this scene?

[~The computer monitors of the DIM-WITTED READERS are COVERED in SNOT and SPIT because of their HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER~]

MALFOY
Jessie! James! Come to class with me right this instant so I can show you off to the Gryffindors.

JESSIE AND JAMES
Yes boss.

[~From this point on, MEOWTH, PIKACHU, and ANY OTHER POKEMON TO COME WITH THE POKEMON CHARACTERS are COMPLETELY IGNORED until they serve some use as PLOT AIDS~]

[SCENE: MCGONAGALL’S TRANSFIGURATION CLASSROOM]

ASH AND CO.
Oooh! Look at this! We are conveniently good at Transfiguration!

[~They begin to turn PIGS into TABLES. Not JUST tables, but HAND-CRAFTED MAGHONEY TABLES. They then give these to POOR PEOPLE who SELL them for lots of MONEY and are thus NOT POOR ANYMORE. We LOVE them for being so KIND and GIVING~]

MALFOY
Stop taking my spotlight! Sick ‘em boys…er, boy and girl!

[~Jessie and James proceed to ATTACK the SAINTLY GRYFFINDORS, who promptly TURN them into FERRETS. This is FUNNY because they do not normally LOOK like FERRETS and it shows the author’s IMMENSE knowledge of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire~]

A RANDOM INTELLIGENT READER
Hey…wait a minute…this doesn’t add up. How did they all go from having no clue where they were one night to having wands and other supplies and knowing magic the next morning? And how come Jessie and James aren’t in Hogwarts robes? Plus, Max is too young to be at Hogwarts, Jessie, James, and possibly Brock and Tracey are too old, and Misty, Ash, and May aren’t sixteen, so none of them would be in Harry’s year.

AUTHOR
Oh no! It’s one of those logical people! I’ve been warned about your kind, and I’m prepared!

[~The author KIDNAPS the reader and LOCKS him/her in a BROOM CLOSET~]

AUTHOR
Hah! That’ll teach you to make sense!

RON
I am so sad. My best friend has abandoned me for some messy-haired kid with a yellow blob. I do not know what to do.

[~Suddenly VOLDEMORT appears~]

VOLDEMORT
Hey kid, wanna burn a socially unacceptable image on your forearm and kiss the bottom of my smelly robes?

RON
Do I get to kill Ash and his yellow blob?

VOLDEMORT
Why the hell not?

RON
Ok!

[~Ron becomes EVIL. This is BELIEVABLE because people OFTEN become completely EVIL and CORRUPTED in the time span of EIGHT SECONDS. If someone tries to do it and it takes LONGER, they are obviously NOT DOING IT PROPERLY~]

[~MEANWHILE IN THE SLYTHERIN COMMON ROOM OF EVILNESS AND SIN]

MALFOY
Now that you’re my new cronies, I’m going to have you do something to prove your loyalty.

JESSIE
It’s not going to be ‘sleep with random deranged, psychopathic Slytherin males’ again, is it? Because I don’t think my fans like that…

[~Team Rocket fans are reading the chapter where she DOES THIS and THROWING A HISSY FIT~]

MALFOY
No.

JAMES
I don’t have to seduce, impregnate, and utterly betray random Gryffindor girls again, do I?

[~Team Rocket fans have moved onto the chapter where he DOES THIS and are THROWING AN EVEN LARGER HISSY FIT~]

MALFOY
Nope.

BOTH
Phew.

MEOWTH
Hey, what happened ta me?

MALFOY
Shut up and go away. I’m corrupting your friends. The Dark Lord isn’t interested in cats. Besides, the author doesn’t like writing your accent.

[~The author quickly KILLS MEOWTH OFF in an OVERCONTRIVED way that NO ONE BELIEVES. Team Rocket fans are OUT FOR BLOOD~]

JESSIE AND JAMES
We will react in virtually no way to the murder of Meowth, despite the fact that he was our best friend.

[~They sit around and EAT PIE as Malfoy EXPLAINS to them about VOLDEMORT, DEATH EATERS, THE DARK MARK, KISSING VOLDEMORT’S SMELLY ROBES, and KILLING MUDBLOODS~]

JESSIE AND JAMES
Neato burrito!

MALFOY
Ok then. I’ll just give you the Dark Mark myself then since Voldemort cannot get into the castle. This will hurt you more than it will hurt me.

[~He gets out his HANDY DANDY copy of ‘Burning Evil Images onto Folks’ Bodies for Dummies’~]

READERS
But…Voldemort got into corrupt Ron…and…

[~The author SUBTLY reminds these readers about their MISSING COMRADE who also had a nasty habit of MAKING SENSE~]

READERS
Uh…moving back to the story then…

[~Malfoy BRANDS the EVIL MARKS OF SIN onto Jessie and James. Team Rocket fans HOWL in OUTRAGE~]

AUTHOR
Uh-oh. I think I’m pushing them a bit too far.

[~The author PONDERS about some way to escape DEATH BY TEAM ROCKET FANS~]

AUTHOR
Aha! I know! I will redeem them and appease Snape fans in the process!

[SCENE: THE ICE CREAM SOCIAL IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING A DEATH EATER MEETING]

SNAPE
Hey, you two!

[~Jessie and James turn to look at him. They try to appear UNTRUSTWORTHY, but fail MISERABLY~]

SNAPE
I will offer you a chance to reform and become spies for Dumbledore like me.

JESSIE
Er…why? Because, you know, we could just tell Voldemort about you right now.

JAMES
Then we’d get a promotion!

SNAPE
Because the author said so!

JESSIE AND JAMES
What?

SNAPE
Uh…I meant to say…

[~He feeds them some B.S. STORY about how they remind him of a YOUNG VERSION of himself or something VAGUELY like that, despite the fact that anyone who knows EVEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT about Pokemon and Harry Potter can tell you that SNAPE and JESSIE AND JAMES are NOTHING ALIKE~]

JESSIE AND JAMES
Somehow we are convinced! Whee!

[~Snape takes them to his DUNGEONS where they learn OCCLUMENCY and how to appear UNTRUSTWORTHY to others. They are now FULLY-FLEDGED spies AGAINST Voldemort~]

[MEANWHILE IN THE GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM OF GOODNESS AND LIGHT]

HERMIONE
You know, what with Ron acting all weird and demented, and Harry running around with Ash 24/7, I think I will now hang out with Brock and Max.

BROCK
You are still hot. Would you like to go out?

[~She SLAPS him AGAIN. She becomes SAD because he and Max are the ONLY ones left for her to hang out with and they are PERVERTED and UNBEARABLY NERDY, respectively~]

READERS
What about Misty? Ginny? Luna? May? Any of them ring a bell? Ya know, possible other friends for Hermione?

[~Conveniently, Misty and Ginny walk by. They have formed ‘THE SOCIETY FOR REDHEADS’ and are leaving Hermione out because SHE DOES NOT FIT THE DESCRIPTION. May has made friends with PARVATI and LAVENDER and is thus INCREDIBLY INTOLERABLE. Luna WANKERED OFF to live in SWEDEN in search of CRUMPLE-HORNED SNORCACKS for NO GOOD REASON~]

[~Hermione SIGHS~]

BROCK
…You sure you don’t wanna go out? Because I know this great restaurant…

[~Hermione SCREAMS and begins to PULL HER HAIR OUT~]

DIM-WITTED READERS
Oh good, comedy. I was beginning to worry that the author had actually gained a valid plot for a moment there.

[~The commence to LAUGH HYSTERICALLY because it is FUNNY when people SCREAM and PULL THEIR HAIR OUT~]

MAX
You know, hair is really just a bunch of dead skin cells living on your head like some kind of parasitic blah blah blah I am nerdy, just in case you have forgotten blah have you read Einstein’s Theory of Relativity blah blah Pi is equivalent to a billion decimals blah blah blah Nerds™ are cool blah

BROCK
Er…you wanna ditch him?

HERMIONE
Hell yes!

[~They leave Max to RAMBLE about SCIENTIFIC THINGS to the AIR~]

[~Hermione and Brock spend a lot of time in the LIBRARY just HANGING OUT. They become REAL FRIENDS. Then, Hermione suddenly realizes that she LOVES Brock~]

HERMIONE
Hey, you know what? I think I’m in love with you!

BROCK
Cool! Want to make out behind the fiction books?

HERMIONE
Sure!

[~They DO. The MENTAL IMAGE will HAUNT the readers FOREVER~]

TRACEY FANS
Hey! What happened to Tracey?

[~They appear SAVAGE and even MORE dangerous than the TEAM ROCKET FANS~]

AUTHOR
Um…you see…

[~The author quickly TYPES something and is INCREDIBLY proud of their REASONING ability~]

TRACEY
Hi everyone! I’m back from the Hospital Wing after my horrible run in with a link of sausage in chapter two!

TRACEY FANS
I don’t remember reading about Tracey having an accident with a link of sausage…

TRACEY
The nature of my attack was so disturbing that the author protected all of your virgin eyes by not mentioning it.

TRACEY FANS
Oh, ok. Since it is Tracey talking, this is surely not a lie.

[~They settle down. The author WIPES SWEAT off their FOREHEAD~]

[MEANWHILE JESSIE AND JAMES ATTEND THE FRENCH TOAST BREAKFAST IN HONOR OF NEW DEATH EATERS]

LUCIUS MALFOY
…And lastly, we would like to welcome to the Order of Sin and Wickedness, Mr. Ronald Weasley!

[~The Death Eaters in attendance CLAP POLITELY as Ron stands up and BOWS before SITTING DOWN again, whilst turning BEET RED~]

[~James is CHATTING UP random Death Eaters for INFORMATION because once he became a SPY he also became immediately SLY and CUNNING~]

JAMES
Isn’t that kid Harry Potter’s friend?

AVERY
Yup, former BEST friend in fact. Isn’t it wonderful?

WORMTAIL
Ah…a chip off the old block of betrayal.

[~Wormtail wipes a TEAR of JOY away from his eye as he REMEMBERS his EVIL EXPLOIT OF BETRAYAL, resulting in the DEATH of one of his BEST FRIENDS. We want him to be PAINFULLY DEVOURED by a FLOCK OF AERODACTYL because he is an EVIL TRAITOR~]

[~James then opens his PREVIOUSLY UNMETIONED TELEPATHIC COMMUNICATION LINK with Jessie~]

JAMES
Jessie! We must warn Harry Potter about his friend’s betrayal!

JESSIE
Oh yeah, and then that’ll be the part where all the Gryffindors accuse us of being evil and say we’re setting Ron up.

JAMES
Right-o.

JESSIE
Cool. Meet you in the Shrieking Shack afterward for an angst session about the horrible decisions we made in the past and how desperately we want to be good and be trusted by others?

JAMES
Sound like a plan to me!

RON
I am evil. Just in case you, ya know, forgot the first thousand times I mentioned it. And I’m not coming back to good either. Never. Ever.

READERS
Yes, we get the point, you twat!

RON
Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

[LATER IN THE GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM WHERE THE HEROES LIVE AND SKIP IN THE SUNSHINE OF HAPPINESS]

JESSIE
Ron is evil, Harry.

HARRY
What? No bloody way! And how did you get into the Gryffindor common room anyway?

JAMES
We enlisted the help of a Plot Hole.

HARRY
Oh. That makes sense.

JESSIE
Of course it does. When has this author ever NOT made sense?

[~The readers decide NOT TO COMMENT~]

HARRY
Anywho, you’re lying to me. Ron is my friend. He’d never betray me to some sadistic, mudblood-killing, dark lord.

JESSIE
Wanna bet?

[~She points to Ron who is in a DARK CORNER scribbling on a sheet of paper with a BOLD HEADING that says ‘Possible ways to betray and kill Harry Potter’~]

HARRY
So? That doesn’t prove anything.

ASH
Besides, Team Rocket is EVIL! They were sorted into Slytherin, therefore they are EVIL. You can’t trust EVIL people. They’re probably Death Eaters.

[~Harry and Ash begin to GLARE and Jessie and James and give some LONG SPEECH about MORALS and RIGHTEOUSNESS and THE EVILS OF ALL SLYTHERINS. The readers are SO BORED that they want the author to get straight to the JESSIE AND JAMES ANGST~]

ASH
And in closing, once again, you are evil assholes and we want you to get the hell out of our common room!

JAMES
Fine. Just don’t blame us when you start dropping dead.

[~Jessie and James LEAVE to go DROWN in their SELF-PITY~]

RON
Oh my gosh! Jessie and James are spies! I must go inform my evil master o’ darkness of this development!

[~He RUSHES OFF to DO SO. Team Rocket fans get NASTY KNOTS in their STOMACHS. All of the readers are HANGING IN SUSPENSE~]

[SCENE: VOLDEMORT’S LAIR OF EVIL DARKNESS, SIN, MALEVOLENCE, BETRAYAL, AND GENERAL UNPLEASANTNESS]

[~Voldemort is playing GO-FISH with SNAPE, MALFOY, WORMTAIL, CRABBE, and GOYLE~]

Voldemort
Do you have any ones, Goyle?

[~Goyle looks down at his DECK, he has THREE ones~]

GOYLE
Ugh…go fish!

RON
Master!

VOLDEMORT
What do you want, scum? Can’t you see I’m incredibly busy?

RON
I’ve found traitors in our ranks sir, they are—

[~Suddenly, Ron BLACKS OUT. Most readers let out a COLLECTIVE sigh of RELIEF. A few SNAP THEIR FINGERS in DISAPPOINTMENT because they HATE Jessie and James~]

VOLDEMORT
Er…what happened to him?

WORMTAIL
Maybe he spontaneously combusted.

MALFOY
You idiot! He can’t have spontaneously combusted! He wouldn’t be lying there if he had.

WORMTAIL
Maybe he spontaneously combusted on the inside.

[~Everyone IGNORES Wormtail. He POUTS and begins to think about BETRAYING them~]

SNAPE
I think I’ll take this unconscious boy back to Hogwarts before Dumbledore’s suspicions arise.

[~He leaves with UNCONSCIOUS Ron. The readers are IMPRESSED with his SMOOTH INTELLECT in the face of DANGER. Once he is out of Voldemort’s EVIL LAIR he makes Ron FORGET what he saw in the Gryffindor common room. The readers LOVE HIM~]

VOLDEMORT
Damnit! He just left because I was about to beat him at cards!

SNAPE FANS
Yay Snapey-wapey!

[~They throw GREEN, SILVER, and BLACK confetti into the AIR and make their MOTHERS clean it up~]

[~The story progresses FURTHER. Jessie and James ANGST, SLEEP with EACH OTHER, and attend various death eater PANCAKE FEEDS. Brock and Hermione go to library MORE and MAKE-OUT half the time and search for PLOT AIDS the other half, despite the fact that there IS NO PLOT. Ash and Harry RUN AROUND being general TWATS who really don’t GIVE A SHIT about the NON-EXISTANT PLOT because they are FRIENDS and they are HAVING FUN and that is ALL THAT MATTERS. May becomes THE WHORE OF HOGWARTS for NO GOOD REASON. Tracey sits on his ASS and eats CHOCOLATE FROGS. Ron continues to plot EVIL. Misty and Ginny BITCH about ASH and HARRY. Max TALKS TO THE AIR about MORE scientific things~]

READERS
Moan, whine, grumble, complain.

[~The readers WHINE about how the story is DRAGGING ON~]

AUTHOR
Bajeezus, you impatient people! I haven’t gotten to the part where the Slytherins and the Gryffindors exchange witty banter in the hallway yet!

READERS
Er…what exactly do you mean by ‘witty banter’?

AUTHOR
Clever insults! Fish head, ant butt, jelly gonads, and inflatable breasts—the last one is just to piss James fans off by the way, I love doing that.

READERS
I think we can stand to skip this…um…clever scene. Now let’s get to the climax!

DIM-WITTED READERS
OMFG! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!11111 DON’T SKIP THE WITTY BANTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111111

AUTHOR
Ah, don’t worry. When I write my Pokemon/Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings/Batman/Digimon/Dragonball Z/Gundam Wing/Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Full House/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles/Tenchi Muyo/Artemis Fowl/Haibane Renmai/Pet Shop of Horrors/His and Her Circumstances/Inuyasha/Ranma ½ /Cowboy Beebop/Trigun/Barney/Dora the Explorer crossover, I’ll put it there!

DIM-WITTED READERS
Happy day!

[SCENE: A DARK PLACE. IT IS IMPORTANT THAT THIS BE A DARK PLACE BECAUSE THIS IS THE CLIMAX]

VOLDEMORT
Hahaha! I have got you now Harry Potter! And sometime in between now and ten seconds ago, I also managed to kill Dumbledore.

[~He PAUSES~]

VOLDEMORT
Go me!

HARRY
What?! No, not Dumbledore! How did you get to the dark place anyway? Ash and I were tired of Ginny and Misty complaining about us, so we came here—

RON
It was me! As I am evil. Yes, evil. To-tall-ee evil!

[~Harry GROANS~]

HARRY
Ron, don’t even begin to joke about that. We all know you couldn’t turn evil if you wanted—

RON
SHUT UP! I’M EVIL!

[~He throws a TANTRUM because none of the other GRYFFINDORS will believe that he is EVIL~]

HARRY
Jeez, fine you’re evil! Have it your way!

JESSIE AND JAME
Told ya so.

VOLDEMORT
What?! You ‘told him so’?! DIE!

[~Snape BANGS his HEAD against a NEARBY WALL~]

[~Voldemort KILLS Jessie and James; this is an EXTREMELY dramatic scene and the readers all CRY because despite the fact that AVADA KEDAVRA works INSTANTLY, they are dying SLOWLY~]

ASH
Oh Jessie! James! I’m…so…sorry!

HARRY
I can’t believe we didn’t believe you!

JESSIE
I…I…I…I…I love yo-you…James

[~She DIES~]

JAMES
Noooooooooo—

[~He dies TOO~]

[~Everyone CRIES MORE~]

GINNY
Crap! There goes another possible member for our redheads society!

MISTY
Shut up, we’re supposed to be crying.

GINNY
Oh yeah.

[~They DO~]

HARRY
I will now kill you Voldemort! For, despite the fact that I hardly knew these dead people on the ground, I am suddenly burning with righteous anger!

ASH
Me too!

[~The author also throws in NEVILLE as having RIGHTEOUS ANGER, just for a LARK~]

NEVILLE
Grrr!

[~Death eaters LAUGH at NEVILLE~]

[~Suddenly CHAOS breaks loose and it is IMPOSSIBLE to keep track of everything that is HAPPENING, so due to the readers’ request, the next chapter provides NOTHING but an ABRIDGED version of events~]

*Snape sustains PERMANENT HEAD TRAUMA from bashing his head AGAINST the wall TOO MUCH.

*May DIES while bending down to PICK UP a KNUT and Pokeshippers let out WHOOPS of JOY.

*Neville KILLS random death eaters including BELLATRIX LESTANGE, and everyone assures him that his PARENTS would be PROUD.

*Brock DIES protecting Hermione in an EXTREMELY CLICHÉ WAY

*Tracey and Max DIE because the author DOES NOT LIKE THEM.

*Pikachu LICKS KETCHUP.

*Draco is KILLED by the SPIRITS of Jessie and James, but NO ONE can figure out HOW.

*Lucius goes CRAZY from the CRUCIATUS CURSE and spends the rest of his days at ST. MUNGO’S dancing the FUNKY CHICKEN, while SNAPE is in the next room DROOLING on a WALL because of his afore-mentioned HEAD TRAUMA.

*Wormtail is KILLED by LUPIN who is in his WEREWOLF form despite the fact that it is NOT THE FULL MOON.

*Dudley RANDOMLY shows up and is KILLED by RANDOM DEATH EATERS.

*Same with VERNON.

*McGonagall, Ginny, and Misty KICK BUTT with their GIRL POWER.

*Hermione CRIES over Brock’s DEAD BODY, but is mysteriously NOT INJURED.

*Mad-Eye DIES of a HEART ATTACK.

*Several RANDOM WEASLEYS are KILLED and/or MAIMED.

*Ron NEARLY KILLS a RANDOM ORDER MEMBER, thus SEVERELY pissing Harry and Ash off.

*Ash KILLS Ron after a DRAWN-OUT duel; Harry has NO PROBLEM with this.

*Harry DEFEATS Voldemort in an UNSPECIFIED way (AKA: The author was TOO LAZY to think one up) and the people who didn’t die HORRIBLY GRUESOME DEATHS live HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

READERS
Oh thank god, it’s over!

[~They CELEBRATE~]

AUTHOR
But wait! I’ve already thought of what they can do in the sequel!

[~The author commences LAUGHING MANICALLY. The readers have MENTAL BREAKDOWNS~]

***********************************************************
That was such a guilty pleasure for me to write! What should I tackle next?

 

[Fig]

XD! Still a nice piece .Many of the plot points there aren't bad in their own rights, but so many authors fail to have the ability to explain their plot points, and that putting ALL of them in is a bad idea.

 

[Barb]

God, that was funny. My sides still hurt. And Damian's right about clichés in general: they're not poisonous to the story, but when they're over-used they drag the story down.

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

MEOWTH
Now we have come up with cliché scheme numba [HASHTAG]#347[/HASHTAG] ta capture dat Pikachu!

Is it wrong that I can easily picture him saying that on the show?

 

[A Concerned Solomon]

I hope not. I can too...

 

[Kasumi]

XD!!!! *rolls on the floor laughing out loud* This was so funny... I can't help but keep laughing. ^^; Anyway, why don't you continue with the Pointless Humor one?