• Hiya, everyone --

    Recently we've been noticing there have been a few stories here and there that have been posted without content warnings. As a reminder, we ask that every work published in our Workshop contain content warnings, even if none apply (in which case, you can just mention that no content warnings apply). You can refer to a helpful guide on how to rate your stories here, but if you need any further assistance, please feel welcome to contact a Workshop staff member! We're here to help.

    Thank you all for helping us ensure our community is a safe and healthy one, and for your continued patronage in our Library and Workshop.
  • Hiya, everyone!

    If you'd love to recieve a story of your choice, or write one for another user, please consider taking a look at our recent Writers' Workshop event announcement!

    We're all really excited to see how this fun Winter-themed gift exchange we're running will go, but we need your help! Signups end on the 6th of October, so please don't wait too long -- check out the thread linked above for more information!

    We hope to see lots of familliar and new faces around for Eiscue's Exciting Exchange!
  • Our friends at Johto Times have concluded their massive Favorite Pokémon Poll and the final results are now up. Click here if you're interested in seeing if any of your favorites made it!
  • Our spoiler embargo for the non-DLC content for Pokémon Legends: Z-A is now lifted! Feel free to discuss the game freely across the forums without the need of spoiler tabs, and use content from the game within your profiles!

The Weird World of Wuzzleberg: A New Journey For Ash and Friends

Dash456

Ash's Shiinii Piichu
Joined
Aug 16, 2006
Messages
410
Reaction score
0
As Ash, Misty, Brock, Max, May and Dawn were walking through the Viridian Forest, which always was teeming with life, suddenly a portal appeared out of nowhere, sucking Ash and company inside via a swirling vortex. Where they will end up, who knows?

Chapter 1:

The Forest Walk

Our heroes briskly walk through the Viridian Forest, taking in all the sights and sounds of nature. Misty is none too thrilled about this walk, because ever since her right foot got injured, she never could walk without feeling intense pain. Brock stewed up a natural ointment, and rubbed it gently on the infected area which burned for a brief moment, then the pain stopped almost immediately.

"Thanks Brock, I feel much better!" said Misty.

"Don't mention it. It's the least I could do for your foot." Brock said calmly.

"Pika?" Pikachu asked.

Ash and friends all turned their heads toward Pikachu, who pointed at a mysterious portal, two feet away from them. It was swirling like a vortex, and it had gale force winds strong enough to suck Ash and friends into the portal.

Meanwhile, in another world...

A gear shaped alarm clock with no numbers, but instead, pink and purple dots rang loudly, with the source of the sound coming from the second floor of a treehouse with a glass window.

A yellow hand extends to switch off the clock, we zoom out to find a rodent like creature with a long and curvy tail. The creature wakes up and looks out his bedroom window. "Wow!" exclaimed the yellow creature. "What a beautiful day! The skies are beautiful, the birdie-birds are singing, the flowers are in bloom, everything's peaceful!"

Yes, it was as this creature had so described. The skies were beautiful, the birds were singing, the flowers were in bloom, and everything was perfect.

As the creature took one more look at the sky, he soon saw something he never expected to see before, a portal! The portal opened like a rain cloud and Ash, Misty, Brock, Max, May, and Dawn were all flung far out with a thunderclap. Ash landed headfirst on the nearest fig tree, Misty landed in a pond, Brock was flung to a public library and buried in a huge pile of books, Dawn came crash landing in a tool shed suffering the same fate as Brock had, except with a bunch of tools clattering around her, May ended up as a plant in a giant garden, and Max crashed through the roof of a toy store, landing in a large bucket with a bunch of kickballs which were blue with white spots.

Stay tuned for Chapter 2: The Headache and Separation!
 
Y-you aren't serious with this, right?

facepalm.jpg
 
Here's the breaking up of the story:

As Ash, Misty, Brock, Max, May and Dawn were walking through the Viridian Forest, which always was teeming with life, suddenly a portal appeared out of nowhere, sucking Ash and company inside via a swirling vortex. Where they will end up, who knows?
A portal, huh. Like that hasn't been done a million times.

Our heroes briskly walk through the Viridian Forest, taking in all the sights and sounds of nature. Misty is none too thrilled about this walk, because ever since her right foot got injured, she never could walk without feeling intense pain. Brock stewed up a natural ointment, and rubbed it gently on the infected area which burned for a brief moment, then the pain stopped almost immediately.
Right, so why didn't Brock do this as soon as she hurt her ankle?

"Thanks Brock, I feel much better!" said Misty.

"Don't mention it. It's the least I could do for your foot." Brock said calmly.

"Pika?" Pikachu asked.

Ash and friends all turned their heads toward Pikachu, who pointed at a mysterious portal, two feet away from them. It was swirling like a vortex, and it had gale force winds strong enough to suck Ash and friends into the portal.
Portal is mysterious enough, no need to make a redundant statement.

Meanwhile, in another world...
Very abrupt transition.

A gear shaped alarm clock with no numbers, but instead, pink and purple dots rang loudly, with the source of the sound coming from the second floor of a treehouse with a glass window.
We're in Ludibrium...? Pee Wee's playhouse?

A yellow hand extends to switch off the clock, we zoom out to find a rodent like creature with a long and curvy tail. The creature wakes up and looks out his bedroom window. "Wow!" exclaimed the yellow creature. "What a beautiful day! The skies are beautiful, the birdie-birds are singing, the flowers are in bloom, everything's peaceful!"
Ohmygod, we're in TELETUBBIES. AAAAAAAAAAAH

Yes, it was as this creature had so described. The skies were beautiful, the birds were singing, the flowers were in bloom, and everything was perfect.
Talk about redundant.

As the creature took one more look at the sky, he soon saw something he never expected to see before, a portal! The portal opened like a rain cloud and Ash, Misty, Brock, Max, May, and Dawn were all flung far out with a thunderclap. Ash landed headfirst on the nearest fig tree, Misty landed in a pond, Brock was flung to a public library and buried in a huge pile of books, Dawn came crash landing in a tool shed suffering the same fate as Brock had, except with a bunch of tools clattering around her, May ended up as a plant in a giant garden, and Max crashed through the roof of a toy store, landing in a large bucket with a bunch of kickballs which were blue with white spots.

tl;dr.

Okaaaay...that was a long read. Anyway, here's the review:

Description:
1/2. There is some description, but it's awkwardly placed as well as lacking. Add the redundancy of some statements. For example...
Ash and friends all turned their heads toward Pikachu, who pointed at a mysterious portal, two feet away from them. It was swirling like a vortex, and it had gale force winds strong enough to suck Ash and friends into the portal.
I think that when Pikachu sees mysterious portals, he'll be too stunned to move. The phrasing is rather boring, perhaps something like "The vortex was sucking in everything with its gale-force winds. Unfortunately, that included Ash, May, Misty, Dawn, Brock and Max." would grab the audience's attention.

Plot:
1/2. It's...creative, but a rather boring start ruins it. You need to GRAB the audience's attention as soon as the first sentence. Otherwise, they'll be bored before they get to the exciting part (if present).

Characters:
0.5/2. They don't do ANYTHING. They just sit around, get their ankle sprained, then get sucked into a portal. Your characters need to do something.

I'll find something to nitpick about later, for now...

Total: 40% (Average everyday fanfic)
 
Last edited:
I guess it could be decent, as long as the story is written out better, and not just throw a bunch of useless info at us.
 
Please note: The thread is from 16 years ago.
Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
Back
Top Bottom