~~There's No I In Team! Chapter 2 Now Up~~

[Crimson Penguin]

My first FanFic! Hopefully it will go well. I got the whole school idea from Rexasaur and his Shadow Of The Pokemon FanFic.

Rated 13, for swearing, it may turn into a 15 dependent on what happens. Anyhow onto my first and hopefully not last FF!

Chapter 1---The Journey Begins!

"Wake up! Godammit Phoenix! Why do you always wake up late?!"

"Calm down Simon, im up." Pheonix said to his best friend and roomate.

"Come on! Its our final day!" Simon shouted.

"Oh shit, I forgot!" Phoenix said as he got out of bed. He looked around his room, it was a small room, and he was suprised it could fit two people in. On the other side of the room, opposite to his own bed was Simon's bed. Simon had stuck up posters of his 'Role Models'. Phoenix only recognised a few. Bill the Kanto pokemaniac, Cynthia the Sinnoh Champion and Phoenix's favourite, Lance. He kept looking around the small room. The academy was full of small bedrooms like this. The Johto Academy is probably the smallest Academy out of the five Pokemon Regions.

It wasnt a surprise for Phoenix to see that Simon was already fully dressed. "Simon, why dont you go ahead, il see you in the auditorium." Phoenix said with a slight smile.

"Ok then, good luck in the tests!"

The worst thing about the last day was the tests, they were so boring but theu would help you gain your first pokemon. Phoenix walked towards the mirror resting against the wall. His blonde hair was spiked up just the way he liked, his blue eyes helped the look more. He got changed and looked at himself in the mirror again, His black jacket clashed with his blue t-shirt underneath the jumper, although you could only see the t-shirts collar. His blue jeans and trainers topped it off.

As he walked to the auditorium, he stopped as his eyes lingereeld on the most beautiful girl in the Academy. Alicia Lowe. His eyes lingered until her boyfriend came and then they seemed glued to each other's lips. He carried on walking not taking a glance back. If her boyfriend saw another boy 'chatting his girl up' he'd probably beat them to a pulp. When Phoenix got to the Auditorium, he say down in seat 91 and waited for the test to begin.

"Pens out, heads down, and begin your History test!" Shouted the Headmaster, Mr. Kensuki.

Straight away Phoenix knew he would never get a pokemon. He never listened in history.

He read the first question:
Q1: Who invented the capsule system known as the Pokéball?

He skipped to the back of the test paper:
Q50: What was the very first pokemon ever seen?

Great. Just great. Once he had done all the questions he could have done, he set down the paper and waited for the next test: General Pokemon Knowledge

"Hmph, this should be alright." He said. He completed all the questions, and yet again waited for the next test. The only one he'd been looking forward to: The Practical

All he had to do was win a battle. With a typebdisadvantage.

After recieving a Pikachu and going against abGraveler, it took him just 3 turns to win, an Iron Tail and two Quick attacks he had won the battle amnd proceeded to go back to the auditorium.

The headmaster proceeded to the stage and said,"Five lucky people with the highest test scores will gain a pokemon!"

Is that it? But what about all the other people?

He read names of a list starting from the highest sciring of the 5 to the least.
Two girls each gained a Chikorita and a Totodile respectiavely. Next came a boy who got the last of the rarest pokemon, a Cyndaquil. Next in 4th place was was another girl who got a Pikachu. This left fitfth place to get an Eevee. Phoemix couldnt wait to see how happy Simon would be once he got his Eevee.

"And in Fifth place! Carter, Phoenix!"

"Wait, what the fuck?" Phoenix git up and walked to the center if the stage to recieve his prize. But what the hell was going on? No way he got a high score on the tests! Yeah, maybe the Practical but... He took his prize to a rally ofapplause and walked slowly back to his seat and sat down. He stole a glance to afew seats away to Simon. He looked on the verge of tears and just shouted. "Seriously?! What the fuck man!?"

And Phoenix didnt say anything. He had just lost his best friend fir nothing.

______________________________________________________________

Im sorry about the puntuality. Im on my phone so its quite hard.

 

[harryheart]

Re: There's No I In Team! Chapter 1-- The Journey Begins!

Hi there.

Welcome to this side of the forum. It's nice to see fresh faces around.

And onto the review:

Firstly I'd just like to say that (for me at least) this was quite a fresh idea. The only other fics I've seen following a school theme have been related to research rather than tests and practicals to help you gain a Pokemon. So that among numerous different plots is quite an interesting way to start.

I enjoyed the flow, and that you're very good at keeping things moving, but sometimes this can be a bit of a hindrance too as it's quite nice for the reader to be able to take their time over characters and their introduction to them. Saying that though, you don't want it to drag out, so it's a matter of finding a good patter. So for example I'm just going to slightly modify one of your sentences to show what I mean:

"Wake up! Godammit Phoenix! Why do you always wake up late?!"

You could write the above like:

"Wake up! Godammit Phoenix! Why do you always wake up late?!" a young boy hastily said as he tried to finish putting his socks on while balancing on his other leg.

That was just a top of the head example but it just shows us a little more character and story to the situation and it'll help us get a better idea for a characters personality too.

The other thing I'd like to add to that is it'd be great to see the two boys relationship at the beginning as well in a bit more detail, maybe have them reminisce on their time in school, or growing up together etc. and that way it can help show us their bond, while also dropping hints at how hurt Simon could become if his best friend almost 'stole' his right to a Pokemon. It'd be a great way to really make that moment seem so much more dramatic and suspenseful as well. Your readers will be wondering what on earth was going to happen between the two as well.

Besides that, I'd also just point out a tid bit about spelling. Maybe next time write it up in advance on a Word Processor and then you'd be able to read through it before posting and spot some simple mistakes, and it also helps point out phrasing or grammatical errors too. It may also help you in your planning and prep for your story if you're still working on that too.

All the best with your further installments and I hope that I could have been of help.

 

[Crimson Penguin]

Re: There's No I In Team! Chapter 1-- The Journey Begins!

Thanks a lot! I will make another chapter and follow yiur ti0s !

 

[Legacy]

Re: There's No I In Team! Chapter 1-- The Journey Begins!

Very clever idea, I agree. I agree with harryheart, a little more description would go a long way. Keep up the great work!

 

[Flaze]

Re: There's No I In Team! Chapter 1-- The Journey Begins!

Like the others say you need to add more description. However, for you I think it's better to go one step at a time. For example, try to make your chapters longer. In the first chapter you moved way too fast I mean the guy was getting up from bed at one moment and by the end he had already taken the test and all. It would've been nice to dedicate more time to describing the academy itself, maybe exploring more on his feelings and his past as well as his friendship with Simon. The chapter was good but, it needs a lot of work to be done at this point.

Don't take this badly though, I think that if you really apply yourself you can accomplish something, though I recommend that you reread the chapters so that you don't have as many spelling errors in them.

 

[Legacy]

Re: There's No I In Team! Chapter 1-- The Journey Begins!

Stellar Gale makes a good point. Don't get overwhelmed by people's advice. Just focus on one thing to get better at each time you write. You already show tremendous potential and talent so don't fret!

 

[Crimson Penguin]

Re: There's No I In Team! Chapter 1-- The Journey Begins!

Wow. Thanks everyone, im currently making this chapter, sorry for the delays. Thanks everyone for the tips!

 

[Crimson Penguin]

Re: There's No I In Team! Chapter 1-- The Journey Begins!

Hello guys!

After at least 7 months absence, im finally back, and im happy to say, I will be continuing this series! Expect a chapter soon!

 

[Crimson Penguin]

Re: There's No I In Team! Chapter 1-- The Journey Begins!

Chapter Two:
The Journey Begins! (Seriously)​

Phoenix headed up to his room. He had left the auditorium early, without being spotted somehow, to do something that could save his friendship with Simon. He ran up to his room dodging the security, and once he got there, he ran straight to his desk, unlocked a 'Secret' drawer. It had a red a white capsule in there. A pokeball, although it was empty.

He ran out of his room and down to the school grounds, yet again dodging the security. He ran outside and noticed the front gate to the academy, was locked. "Dammit!" he looked around seeing how else he could get out of the grounds. He noticed a wall where the bricks were sticking out. He climbed over the wall and into the small forest surrounding the academy...

Meanwhile, in the auditorium...

"And now students. It is time for the five people who got pokemon, to come back up to the front!" Mr Kensuki said. The four students got up to go to the front. "Hang on... There is only for of you! Where is Phoenix Carter!?" Mr. Kensuki shouted.

"Sir. He went toilet, he wasnt looking that well." the girl with the Pikachu, answered.

"Hmph. Anyway, here is your second reward." he said, handing them all pokedexes. "Could you give one to Phoenix please?" giving two to the girl with the Pikachu.

"Sure! Il find him with Sparky" Although she kind of knew where he was...

~~~~~~~~~

Phoenix sat down and whistled. And a young pokemon came out of the bushes. "Hey buddy! It's only me!"

The blue and black pokemon walked out toward him.

"Hey Riolu! How are you?"

"Rio, Riolu!" The Aura Pokemon answered.

"Look what I got!" Phoenix pulled out a pokeball. "Eevee, come on out!" a red beam materialized as he threw the pokeball in the air. And the eevee appeared. Eevee, meet Riolu. Riolu, Eevee. Anyway. Riolu, remember Simon. Would you like to know him more?"


Riolu knew what Phoenix was getting at, he shrugged, walked over to him, and tapped the empty pokeball on Phoenix and dissapeared inside it.

"Alright! Eevee return." he said running back to the school. He climbed over the wall and then he knew he was screwed. "Oh shit."

The person stared at him. Phoenix thought it was security but it wasnt. "Phoenix?! What the fuck were you thinking?" It was the girl with the Pikachu. A xclose friend of Phoenix, Alexis Foringham. She was quite beautiful with long blond hair, stunning blue eyes and standing at 4'11" the same height as Phoenix. She was alplso very intimidating.

"Alexis!" Phoenix said, stunned. "It was for Simon..." showing Alexis a pokenball with Riolu inside.

"Friendship issues?" Alexis said quoetly.

"Yep."

"Well anyway I got told to give you this" Hnading phoenix the pokedex.

"Sweet! Alexis? You wont tell anyone right?"

"Course not." she said winking. This made phoenix blush as she started to walk away.

"Wait! Alexis!"

"Yes?"

"Um... I was windering" he said blushing more."I was wondering, if you'd like to go.. To go, to the prom with me?"

"Sure!"

"Ah, ok then never mi-- Wait. What?"

"I said sure!"

"Awesome! Il see you at the auditorium then?"

"Okay. See ya!"

"Ok bye..." Phoenix couldnt beleive it! "Ah shit!" he said realising he needed to gwet to simon. "Hey bud!

"The fuck do you want?" The boy sighed, lying on his bed, facing away from Phoenix.

"here. Its a pokeball."

"Whats so good about a pokeball?"

"Oh no, its not whats so good about the pokeball. Its about whats inside it!"

"Huh?" Simon said rolling over to face Phoenix.

"Riolu!"


"Holy crap! A Riou! Is it for me?"

"Sure is!" Phoenix said handing over the pokeball.

"Fucking hell."

"Language Simon"

"Thanks so much man!" simon said hugging Phoenix.

"No problem. Anyway get ready, it's nearly time for prom!"

 

[Crimson Penguin]

Hey guys! Uno problemo! I had a chapter about the prom ready to be published. But somehow it has been deleted. So I will havebto go onto the next chapter where Phoenix, actually starts his journey. YAY