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Truth and Ideals

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  1. She/Her
So this story idea has been floating around in my head for a while, and finally I've gotten around to typing it up. The first chapter is a bit short, and may seem confusing, but that is the intention. Rated Mature for possible future gore and death.


Chapter 1

Pallet Town, Kanto​

“Any one I want?”

“Yes any one you want. It’s your choice.”

“What about me gramps?”

“Patience. You get to choose one as well. I’m sure the two of you can choose without fighting. Now which is it that you wanted?”

“I choose this one.”


New Bark Town, Johto​

“Walk with?”

“Yes I want you to choose one of these three and to walk with it. I am hoping to collect quite the data from you doing so. What do you say? Will you do it?”

“Absolutely! Yes! And I know just who I want, and what to name them.”

“Is that so? Which is it then?”

‘“I choose this guy.”


Littleroot Town, Hoenn​

“Someone help me!”

“Are you okay?”

“Okay? I’m being attacked by a poochyena! Help me!”

“How? I don’t have any pokémon.”

“Right there is my bag. In it is three pokémon. Choose one and use it.”

“Alright I choose you!”



Twinleaf Town, Sinnoh​

“What do you two think you’re doing? Running into tall grass without any pokémon. That’s absolutely foolish! Where were you even going?”

“We were going to Sandgem Town to ask you for pokémon.”

“Don’t think I’ll give you pokémon now that I’ve seen how foolish you are.”

“Wait I was the one going into the tall grass. Just me. You can’t punish my friend for my mistakes.”

“Is that so… hmm tell me something then. Do you two really love pokémon?”

“Yes.”

“Let me ask again. Do you two truly love pokémon?”

“Yes we truly love pokémon!”

“Well then being you’re the one that didn’t try to enter the grass, you get to choose from these three first. Tell me what your choice is?”

“My choice is this one.”


Nuvema Town, Unova​

“You choose first.”

“Are you two sure?”

“Of course! No one deserves it more.”

“Well I’m not sure about that, but we have agreed for it to be you, and it was sent to your house.”

“Alright…then I think I choose this one.”


Aspertia City, Unova
“That’s lucky. You’re lucky that you get a pokémon and a pokedex from the professor.”

“I know! Ooh I’m so excited!”

“That’s good. I hope you take good care of your partner, whichever one you choose.”

“I will!”

“Which one are you going to choose?”

“I want this little guy!”


Vaniville Town, Kalos​

“Can we see the Pokémon now? I want to meet my new partner soon! ♪"

"I know right? It was such a cool feeling when Trevs and I met our Pokémon! Hope you feel the same way we did!"

“Lady A why don’t you choose first.”

“Are you guys sure?”

“Yeah go ahead.”

“Okay then…I like this one.”

“I’m so excited!” Midori cheered loudly.

“I noticed,” Rival replied to her, placing his hand over his right ear due to her loud voice.

“C’mon aren’t you more excited. This is the biggest battle tournament like ever! I can’t wait to begin and start battling other trainers that are strong. Ne Kiyama? You can’t wait to battle either right?”

Midori’s partner, a large green snake like pokémon, gave her a cry of agreement from his spot behind her.

“See he’s excited,” she said smugly.

“Shocker your pokémon match you.”

Midori rolled her eyes at him, tuning her hearing into the music coming in over loud speakers of the large dome like building in front of them.

“Alomomola is caring and sweet/Axew attacks with tusk and teeth/Cofagrigus is gho-gho-ghosty/Darmanitan is so so toasty.”


“Ooh I love this song.” Midori became so excited that she slightly jumped, her landing spot being something that did not feel like ground. Looking down she saw her foot on a blue tail attached to a small blue gator like pokémon. One that did not look happy. Gulping she gave a small chuckle and moved her foot off of it, and slightly backed up. “S-sorry about that,” she apologized to no positive result.

The small blue gator fired a powerful stream of water. Midori and Kiyama barely managed to duck, the stream hitting a large dinosaur like pokémon that had a large rafflesia on its back, right in the face. The quadrupedal green monster was clearly not happy, and thus in retaliation fired razor sharp leaves from its flower’s leaves. The blue gator getting its trainers attention, dodged with her, the leaves hitting a long neck like pokémon with a pink flower around its neck. Like its attacker and its attacker, it fired its own attack. Its attack being a barrage of pedals. And like previously, this pokémon and its trainer also dodged, leading to another trainer’s pokémon to be hit.

This pokémon was a large blue tortoise with cannons coming from its shell. Like the blue gator, it fired a powerful stream of water, however the water came from the cannons on its back rather than its mouth like the gator. Once again there was a dodge and a new pokémon hit. This one was a fox like witch looking pokémon. Taking a branch from one of its sleeves it created a spiral of fire. The new incidental target being a large emperor like penguin pokémon. It formed a ball of water between its fins/wings and mouth. The ball of water then became and extremely powerful stream of water. Once again another dodge and a new pokémon hit. This one was a ninja like frog, who in retaliation fired water shurikens. Of course at that moment a man not paying attention walked right through the middle of the group leading to him being hit by the latest attack, and thus being soaked.

The group flinched as the man looked at them with pure fury. “You! How dare you!? Do you know how much this suit costs!” the man yelled at the frog’s trainer.

“It wasn’t my fault. Her empoleon attacked my greninja,” he quickly defended himself.

“Because that…fire type…” she paused to see if anyone would correct her typing. When no one did she continued. “Hit him with its fire move.”

“She was aiming at the blastoise that hit her.”

“My blastoise was retaliating because his meganium hit him,” he pointed to the red head next to the long neck pokémon.

“My meganium was hit by his venusaur,” he defended himself, pointing at the other dinosaur like pokémon.

“Only because you happened to be right next to her totodile. That launched the first attack!”

The blue gator’s trainer gulped. She looked down at her partner who was pointing at Midori’s feet, and then its tail. Understanding what it was saying, she glared and pointed towards Midori, who was attempting to retreat discreetly. “He was aiming at the one that stepped on his tail,” she announced.

All eyes then focused on Midori, much to her chagrin. “Since this is your fault. How do you expect to pay for this suit? Do you know where this is from? I got this from one of the boutique in Lumiose. Do you know how expensive they are? Well?”

“Err…” Midori looked to Rival for help, only to see that not just him, but the other trainers were not there. The whole group had abandoned her to the wolves. “I um… I…”

“If that’s really from Lumiose then it’s fine. The best boutique in Lumiose only uses materials that are durable. They advertise to pokémon trainers not people who don’t like getting a speck of dirt on them. That water shuriken is nothing that would damage it that much, and the suit, thus will be fine after it dries. You just are looking for a way to either make some extra cash, or you overpaid for something that isn’t even good quality,” came the voice of a blonde girl.

“Y-you…ergh whatever. Don’t ever come near me again. I don’t need you ruining anything else I wear,” he walked away angrily.

“Thank you so so much! How can I repay you?” Midori looked at the girl with pure gratitude.

“Don’t worry about it. I don’t like guys like that, and everyone left you to him. Just being helpful and friendly. I’m Serena by the way,” she offered her hand.

“I’m Midori. And this is my partner Kiyama.”

“It’s nice to meet you Midori, and Kiyama. Your serperior looks strong.”

At this the said pokémon straightened himself proudly. “He is. Kiyama was my first pokémon. What about you? What was your first pokémon?”

“Mine was an inkay.”

“I’ve never heard of that pokémon before.”

“Well that’s because it’s from Kalos. Really only Kalos and Hoenn know our pokémon. My region is a bit private until recently,” Serena shrugged sheepishly.

“I see,” Midori nodded understandingly. She looked over as she felt her partner nudge her. “Oh you’re hungry aren’t you? Okay then let’s go eat. Serena do you want to join us?”

“I would love to,” she smiled.

After some debating, the two chose a café with outside tables, this way their pokémon could enjoy with them. Taking out a poké ball and releasing a large squid like pokémon. “This Vam. He’s a malamar now but he evolved from my inkay.”

“Woah! He’s so cool looking,” Midori adored the dark psychic pokémon.

“By the way. Earlier I apologize for Calem and Athena’s behavior,” she said, the name Athena coming out with distaste.

“Who?”

“Ah Calem is the trainer of the frog like pokémon, greninja. Athena was the girl with the firefox like pokémon, delphox. Calem is actually very sweet and kind. However Athena is a horrible girl who has him in her clutches.”

“I’m sorry. It sounds like you are good friends with Calem.”

“Was. But now because of Athena…he doesn’t talk to me anymore. Neither do my other three friends, Shauna, Trevor, and Tierno. And if I can get them to talk to me, it…it doesn’t go well.”

“That’s horrible. I wish I could help you somehow…”

“Well I’m hoping to knock Athena out of the competition early, this way I can try to talk to Calem without her getting in the way.”

“I’ll help you out in any way I can! Whenever you need me just say so. We’re friends now and friends help each other out.”

“Oh Midori thank you so much.”

“Excuse me are you two ready to order?” A waitress interrupted them.

With a nod of agreement the two looked at the waitress ordering their food. After a wonderful spent lunch they headed to a large building that was housing for the participants of the tournament. After saying their partings, they headed to their rooms individually. Exhausted, Midori laid down on her bed, placing six pokèballs next to her. “Today was an interesting day ne? We made a new friend and learned about some new pokémon. And soon the tournament starts. The Gaia Battle Tournament. Invitation only. And we got invited. Rival too, though I’m mad that he ditched us earlier.” She sat staring at the pokèballs quietly for a while a gentle smile on her face. After a while she turned onto her back, picking up a premier ball. “Hey Grey. Do you think we’ll find them? The person with your ideals.”
 
Interesting start. It didn't seem terribly confusing. At least not to me.

So far, the most glaring issue is just a lot of little mistakes, and those can be easily fixed. Simple things like a missing comma here, wrong punctuation there, etc. Just little stuff, really.

“Right there is my bag. In it is three pokémon. Choose one and use it.”

Should be "In it are three Pokemon," since it's plural.

“Lady A why don’t you choose first.”

A comma after "Lady A" is needed.

Not going to nitpick every single little error, but that's essentially what I mean.

One thing I liked was the intro. Even though we don't know any of the characters speaking, it's clear that it's telling of all the trainers getting their first starters. It's a relatively small intro, but I think it was effective. I liked it. :D

The small blue gator fired a powerful stream of water. Midori and Kiyama barely managed to duck, the stream hitting a large dinosaur like pokémon that had a large rafflesia on its back, right in the face. The quadrupedal green monster was clearly not happy, and thus in retaliation fired razor sharp leaves from its flower’s leaves. The blue gator getting its trainers attention, dodged with her, the leaves hitting a long neck like pokémon with a pink flower around its neck. Like its attacker and its attacker, it fired its own attack. Its attack being a barrage of pedals. And like previously, this pokémon and its trainer also dodged, leading to another trainer’s pokémon to be hit.

This pokémon was a large blue tortoise with cannons coming from its shell. Like the blue gator, it fired a powerful stream of water, however the water came from the cannons on its back rather than its mouth like the gator. Once again there was a dodge and a new pokémon hit. This one was a fox like witch looking pokémon. Taking a branch from one of its sleeves it created a spiral of fire. The new incidental target being a large emperor like penguin pokémon. It formed a ball of water between its fins/wings and mouth. The ball of water then became and extremely powerful stream of water. Once again another dodge and a new pokémon hit. This one was a ninja like frog, who in retaliation fired water shurikens. Of course at that moment a man not paying attention walked right through the middle of the group leading to him being hit by the latest attack, and thus being soaked.

This part here seemed a little extraneous. Like, it didn't really seem necessary to describe every single Pokemon being hit and their retaliations. It might have been condensed by saying something like:

"The stream hit a large dinosaur pokemon, who retaliated with his own attack, hitting another unwary bystander. Soon, the entire area delved into chaos, attacks being thrown left and right."

Something to that effect, and then the old man comes through and gets hit. It just seems like, to me anyways, it carries on for a bit too long.

Finally, it was really odd to me that Midori and Serena made friends so quickly. Like, Serena told her story about Calem and Athena, and Midori seemed far too easily swayed to her side and declaring themselves friends right away. I don't know, maybe it's just me. I think it's a bit strange to make friends with someone is such a short time-span.

Overall, it just needs a little cleaning up, and it's golden. I do like what the ending is hinting at, if it is what I'm thinking of, and I'm interested to see where this goes. :D
 
@The Roach; I had a reason for describing each of those pokemon and their moves, and a reason for the quick friendship, though I do agree I could have dragged that out more. Also please never be afraid to point out my grammar mistakes. It's my worst enemy so I often miss things or mess them up and would love to improve on them.
 
I'm gonna have to agree on the fact that the whole scene with the Pokemon all fighting against each other was a little chaotic at best. I understand the reason you did it was so that we'd be able to get what Pokemon they were and their trainers, but I think this is something that could've been done later, or maybe the whole scene could've been spaced out more.

In general I feel like this chapter felt really rush, I mean that everything could've been paced better and that way things wouldn't seem so spontanous such as Serena and Midori becoming friends quickly. In general I think that slowing down the pacing and giving more space for each event to take shape will help more with the characterization and the course of events of the story, I think that would've helped a lot more during the scene at the restaurant you know? to kind of describe their feelings and have them talk a little more before they became friends.
 
It's oddly nice not to be the first reviewer for once

Technical Accuracy/Style
Overall pretty good, but here and there the odd grammar mistake. The main thing I noticed was that some of the dialogue sounds a bit breathless. You could try saying it out loud to yourself - where you pause for breath or to think for a moment, that's where the commas should go.

I agree that multi-poké-pile-up bit needs streamlining. Using solely descriptions of pokémon rather than species names slows down the action. I get that Midori might not be familiar with all the species, but those that she is - well, just use the names instead.

I think you may have missed a breaker after the Vaniville text - it just merges right into what I'm pretty sure is intended to be the next scene

Story/Characters
It's a bit of a slow start. About half the chapter is text that many if not most of your readers will have seen before. As for the rest, I think we need to see more focus on Midori. We really don't know much about her from this chapter, so there's not a lot to invest in as a protagonist. There's nothing wrong with setting up the tournament in this chapter, but I think it needs something more than just telling us who the trainers are and their pokémon. If not that, then the next chapter will really need that.

Final Thoughts
I have been critical here, but I really don't think this is terrible. I just think it needs work. What I see here is the bones of a chapter - they need some flesh on them
 
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