TEEN: - Ongoing Turtwig and friends

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This by me and Chris

Hello, I am writing this story i will begin with the characters. (under is there parents)

Alex is a Robust and nimble turtwig. He is very interested in Fights.
Torrtera

Richard is a small and helpless starly.
Staraptor

Jessica is a very mean chimchar who likes to pick on Bob.
Infernape

Bob is a sensitive piplup who wears glasses, he likes to pick berries.
Empoleon

Nicole is a kind and generous Budew.
roserade

Jason is munchlax who doesn't mind mean people.
Snorlax

Erich is a spheal that comes to town every summer for warmth.
Walrien

Team H09
A team of pokemon who serve the town with protection.

Team Burn
A team of pokemon who attack the town.



Chapter 1

Bob woke up from a deep slumber hearing : "Hey, I heard someones in there!".
He immidiatly got up and looked out his window, he saw alex playing hide and seek with nicole.
He went outside and saw the two having quite fun, so naturally he joined them.

Nicole: "1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10.... Ready or not I'm coming!". Alex and Bob both hid. Then suddenly bob and nicole heard "Ahhhh!!! Help!! Please!!!" So nicole rushed over to the noise And saw Team Burn attacking Alex. "No!! Stop!!!" she shouted, Then a huge Typhlosion on team burn Used flamethrower on Nicloe, she lost her power .

Bob was crying behind a corner thinking what do, He heard Alex scream and fall to the ground.
Bob knew he had to do something, he remembered that he had some berries that lowered your attack and special attack, so tossed it out into the open. And the Typhlosion came and ate them, and shouted "Haha!! These berries will help me from now on Haha!!" Bob Had the Idea of sneaking up behind The typhlsion and using bubble, but he knew that wouldn't be enough. So He thew more berries, that weakened your sp. Def And typhlosion said "Oh More berries fell from that tree". Once he ate them Piplup used Bubble and it Made typhlosion lose his power. So he quickly fell to the ground and teleported himself back to his Base. He thought the other Burns left to base also so he found Nicole and healed her. "where's Alex?" she said
"don't Know" Bob said "lets look" said Nicole.

The end

So what do you think?

 

[Dr. Peppa]

I am sort of confused. In the begin you made it a script but you also used quotation marks... It was also really short and not detailed enough. It also had quite a chunk of errors. 2/10 because with hard work those characters can make a good story.

 

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thank You for your compliments on my chunk of errors. I am very proud of it also.

also i wold like to introduce a new character to my epic saga. He is Darren, son of Wallace, a portly and slender Bidoof who eats ice cream and curry when he can get it

Chapter 2

Meanwhile at the team Burn base typholsion is just having recovered from getting bubbled and him and Charizard are standing in front of the Base. Suddenly, a bullet screams out from nowhere and pierces Charizards head, spraying blood and brains all over Typhlosion's face. Camerupt rolls behind a crate and yells "rooftop sniper!!" as another bullet slams through Blaziken's beak, shattering it into a thousand glasslike splinters.

Typholsion looks around, and sees the glint of a rifle from on top of a distant hill. He knows that the only way he can possibly stop the sniper is either by just going inside until the sniper gets hungry and leaves, or by sprinting towards the hill heroically, and defeating the sniper at his own game. His own game being melee combat.

Typholsion rushes at the sniper, and as he makes the final leap to tackle down the sniper and avenge his fallen comrades, a dense triangle of bullets blasts through his face and smashes out through the base of his spine DOING 56 DAMMAGE!!!!

Meanwhile at the town, Nicole sees Jessica picking on bob and bob just trying to eat his berries. Nicole is nice, and she decides to hhelp Bob from jessica. she picks up a brick and tosses it at jessica's head. Jessica gets hit in the temple with the brick and collapses on the floor, with blood pouring out of her eyes and ears. Suddenly, in shock, Nicole runs away, leving Bob alone with the gruesome corpse.

Later, at the funeral Nevermind, they used a revive.

And that's the end of chapter 2. I appreciate all of your comments. If anybody says anything bad about my story, I will print the comment out and wipe my ass with it. use it to wallpaper my house.

 

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Chapter 3
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As nicole ran off she noticed to see Alex with bandages on him. So she ran over there and noticed he was bigger. "nicole!" shouted Alex "Alex" shouted nicole, "I got stronger from the time team burn came, I beat a Magby. Bob went to go see what was going and shared his berries with The Heroic Alex. "These ones help your stamina" bob said, and he happily gave him them to Alex. After a long meal Nicole, Bob and Alex noticed there was some comotion by the spring so they checked it out, They saw jason punching a big heavy bag, and Team H09 teaching him how to fight. They also saw jessica recovering with the aid of Team H09.
They wondered were what to do now. so they decided to enjoy themselves..........

Meanwhile At Burn HQ, Team Burn decided to make an assault on the town, so Ninetales, camerupt, and Magmar got ready to attack the town. they all rushed at the town burning Team h09 in there path. Turtwig and friends hid while Magneton, and empoleon started defending the town Empoleon Used hydro pump it Knocked Magmar back Flying Snorlax body slammed Ninetales Camerupt used Earth Quake and Defeated Empoleon, and Magneton, Snorlax was being stormed by Camerupt he new he coulnd't last he fell on the ground and was defeated Alex Knew he was strong enough so he charged at camerupt and used razor leaf, camerupt used Flamethrower but luckily for Alex he missed!. Bob came rushing out and used bubblebeam It nearly Deafeted him All the others came too , they finally vanquised Camerupt.

Alex noticed that team h09 need to be revived so he revived them.

The end

 

[The Pig King]

It's rather hard to read. Also, you shouldn't just solve every problem with a revive. Either leave them dead, or don't kill them. Youl can just have them go unconscious instead. Also, you start a new paragraph when someone speaks or the speaker changes. You only continue right after a line of dialouge if you're saying something like "he said.".

 

[Pyshcosocial12]

Needs more description. Some more like mine.

 

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In case you haven't noticed, this is a parody of your fanfiction, Chimchar.

And it has more vivid descriptions.

But I do appreciate the feedback, BlazikenEX, it's good to know that someone noticed the revives in there.

I'll post the next "Chapter" later.

 

[empoleon dynamite]

Its a bit boring but maybe thats because you were more intrested in telling the story than keeping your readers intrested. It needs to be more discriptive, more adjectives. If you cant do that, stop writing

 

[Pyshcosocial12]

In case you haven't noticed, this is a parody of your fanfiction, Chimchar.

I know. But to be more, one must have more.
In english you need blood, huge fights, and romance. My next story is on anime's birthday.
Or before.

 

[Torgetsu Kon]

Great story, but needs more description. Also, if you want to build climax and suspense, make something big happen, but cut it short and continue on the next chapter

Also, I have notice a weird thing. I started my story, Renji and Kon, based off of my two pokemon (same name and species, and Renji is even shiny in my game!!) in my pearl.
Chimchar 26 started his story, Sinnoh Stories, off of my story. And now Helmasaur King starts a story off of Chimchar 26's story. Now who will start a story based off of Helmasaur King???