Unloved Hatred

[Synthesis]

Chapter 1: A Silent Forest
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A sharp snap could be heard echoing troughout the forest. She quickly opened her eyes, panting, always alert to any danger. There was no need to worry it was probably only a pathethic Ratata, shuffling forward in search of food. There was a low growl and Dana knew it was Mawile protecting her. Upon seeing Mawile and her bared fangs the Ratata scurried away through the undergrowth.

Dana looked down at herself, her light grew top was ripped in several places and her navy denim jeans were dirty and old. Her long blonde hair was caked in mud and she was in desperate need of food.

Her Mawile on the other hand was in immaculate condition. It cleaned itself thouroughly every day because of it's vanity. She liked this Mawile, it was different than other Mawile. It had a dull pink colour rather than the usual grey. Mawile was her first successful find, but Dana had found herself attached to her and decided to keep her rather than claim the reward.
Dana cautiously glanced over her shoulder and then broke into a run, Mawile was trotting along behind her. They wanted to arrive in Pallet town before the next nightfall to be the first to find out about any more reported sightings of rare Pokemon roaming.

She quickly took a Pokeball out from her belt and threw it. Out came a Xatu.

"Fly ahead and see if anyone is coming", she commanded him. He immediately flew off, knowing that if he fails he shall be punished severely.

And with that she sat down and smiled cunningly. She knew she was much further than any other hunter. Mawile gave out a little malicious giggle and rested her head on her masters lap.

She had been a bounty hunter for the past 5 months and was quite succesful

 

[TeamGalacticMercury]

Okay, the plot was interesting, the description was good, all the problem I had was some grammar and some spelling. I will show you.

Chapter 1: A Silent Forest
-------------------------------------------------------------

A sharp snap could be heard echoing troughout the forest. She quickly opened her eyes, panting, always alert to any danger. There was no need to worry it was probably only a pathethic Ratata, shuffling forward in search of food. There was a low growl and Dana knew it was Mawile protecting her. Upon seeing Mawile and her bared fangs the Ratata scurried away through the undergrowth.

Instead of troughout I think you meant throughout. Your last sentence I think you mean Upon seeing Mawile, who bared her fangs, the Ratata scurried away through the undergrowth.

Dana looked down at herself, her light grew top was ripped in several places and her navy denim jeans were dirty and old. Her long blonde hair was caked in mud and she was in desperate need of food.

Okay, it should probably be Dana looked down at herself. Her light grey top was ripped in several places and her navy denim jeans were dirty and old.

Her Mawile on the other hand was in immaculate condition. It cleaned itself thouroughly every day because of it's vanity. She liked this Mawile, it was different than other Mawile. It had a dull pink colour rather than the usual grey. Mawile was her first successful find, but Dana had found herself attached to her and decided to keep her rather than claim the reward.
Dana cautiously glanced over her shoulder and then broke into a run, Mawile was trotting along behind her. They wanted to arrive in Pallet town before the next nightfall to be the first to find out about any more reported sightings of rare Pokemon roaming.

Instead of thouroughly it is thoroughly. It's is suppose to be its because of the fact that it's is it is. You started a new paragraph, but you didn't double-space. Then and was should be eliminated.

She quickly took a Pokeball out from her belt and threw it. Out came a Xatu.

"Fly ahead and see if anyone is coming", she commanded him. He immediately flew off, knowing that if he fails he shall be punished severely.

When someone speaks, there should be no comma.

She had been a bounty hunter for the past 5 months and was quite succesful

Successful is spelled wrong.

Nice chapter. Interesting. I will be looking forward to the next chapter.

 

[Synthesis]

Thanks for the criticism. I'll try and take your advice into account for the next couple of chapters.
I'm really new to the whole fanfiction thing, so hopefully I'll improve.

 

[TeamGalacticMercury]

Good. I want to pass on what I've learned to fellow new writers. hope you continue.

 

[Synthesis]

I will continue and hopefully spend more time writing it and focus on the grammar a bit more.

 

[TeamGalacticMercury]

Good. Maybe try writing a little bit at a time.

 

[Synthesis]

Chapter 2: Pallet Town
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Xatu landed down with soft thud. Dana casually glanced up at him. He tilted his head and continued to stare at her. His eyes were focused, unblinking. She averted Xatu's gaze and called him back to his Pokeball. She began walking until shortly after the sun had rose.

She could see the entrance to Pallet Town looming ahead. There was a Salamence flying low overhead. Upon seeing Dana it swooped down low and went into the old Professor's lab to inform it's master.

As she reached the lab a young man in a lab coat was exiting.

"Dana! Haha nice to see you again. Care for a battle?"

"No. I'm in a hurry. Get out of my way"

"Come on...just a quick one...3-on-3?

"Fine. Go Mawile"

Without delay Mawile obediently jumped forward prepared for battle.

The man sent out a Magnezone.

"Mawile. Crunch!"

Mawile lunged forward. It's rear teeth were bared.

"Use counter now!"

Mawile halted in it's tracks and began charging a Hyper Beam.

"Magnezone. Tri-Attack now!"

The multi-coloured beam clashed with the dark purple one. Dust covered the battlefield and neither trainer knew what was going on.

A shrill whistle blew.

"What are you doing?"

Dana glanced up. Seeing an old man glaring at her she was immediately taken back. Then she realised who it was and called Mawile over.

The old man at the door beckoned them forwards and then re-entered the lab.

Dana and the man in the lab coat walked quickly up to door and entered.

"Now as I was saying...before being rudely interrupted... there has been a sighting of Suicune up near Cinnabar island. There was many whispers around the room.

Dana looked around the room. There was a lot of familiar people here.

"As you all know, there are many wealthy people out there and they're all very much interested in this Pokemon. So to have this beast captured we are going to need people to pair up."

He pulled out a sheet and posted it on the wall.

"Here are your pairings."

Dana looked down the sheet and saw her name next to John, the guy she had battled earlier.

She pushed through the crowds and went outside. John was at her heels awaiting command.

 

[TeamGalacticMercury]

You need to add a little more to the chapter. Great Chapter!!!

 

[Synthesis]

Alright thanks. I should have the next chapter up later tonight.

 

[Synthesis]

Chapter 3: The Hunt is on
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Dana began walking towards the end of Pallet Town.

"Dana...Dana...what are we going to do."

"What do you think?"

"Get Suicune I know. But you don't even know where it is."

"How do you know that...?"

She continued walking. She didn't need to reply. It was his choice wether he wanted to help or not.

"Xatu. Come out now!"

With that she threw out a Pokeball and Xatu landed gracefully next to her. She climbed onto him and looked at John.

"You coming or not?"

Xatu took off and began heading South towards Cinnabar Island. John was right behind them ontop of his Pidgeot.

Within a few minutes they had reached a small stretch of land in between Pallet Town and Cinnabar. Pidgeot went over to the waters edge and began lapping up the water. John went over and sat beside Dana.

There was a soft wimper coming from somewhere in the tall grass. John cautiously walked over. Suddenly a great blue shape hopped out of the grass alarmed. It glanced quickly around and ran.

"Quick get it Mawile!"

"You too Pidgeot!"

Mawile ran after it and clamped it's rear jaws around the Suicune's hind legs. Pidgeot flew down and began attacking Suicune with it's beak. Suicune began writhing in pain.

"Hold it still Mawile"

Suicune struggled and knocked Mawile off itself. A brilliant beam shot out of it's mouth and sent Pidgeot spiralling down to the ground. Suicune then jumped and ran across the surface of the water.

"Get it now and I'll get help!"

John leapt up and hopped on Pidgeot's back. Pidgeot soared elegantly back to where they had come from. Dana held onto Xatu and he teleported.

When Dana looked around she saw the place in ruins. The town was destroyed. There were fire's blazing everywhere and the sound of screaming filled the air. A man was running by. Dana grabbed his arm.

"Excuse me. Do you know what has happened here?"

"I'm not entirely sure what happened. U just came here myself in search of my wife. Rumour has it that a beast of Legend had came to the town in search of something. When it didn't find what it was looking for it went on a rampage until a local man's Rhydon hurt it. Apperently it fled."

"Who was this man?"

"His name is Blaine and up until a few years ago heused to be this towns Gym Leader. There he is now."

Dana looked to where the man was pointing. Surely enough there was an old man leaving a building that looked as though it used to be a house of some kind. Dan ran over to him and put on an innocent face.

"Excuse me. Are you Blaine the guy who saved this beautiful island?"

"I know who you are and what you want. You're not welcome on this island."

"Hey, are aim is to help people get Pokemon that normally aren't readily available...for a small fee."

He glared at her. Dana leaned in close and whispered into his ear.

"What are ya gonna do about it...?"

He threw a Pokeball out. After a brief flash his Magmortar stood there.

"Alright have it your way."

There was an earth shattering rumble and many people began screaming fearing the return of Suicune. Out of the ground came a Steelix. He roared and dug back underground.Blaine rounded on her.

"Is that all you do...cheat?"

Magmortar began shooting large flames at the ground. It was useless. The ground continued shaking. Magmortar looked worried but it held it's ground. Steelix jumped out and wrapped it's large studded tail around Magmortar. Magmortar became pumeeling it with it's fist.

"Magmortar Focus Punch now!"

Magmortar began bracing itself. Steelix tightened it's grip around Magmortar until Magmortar began gasping for breath.

"Stop it! Magmortar can't breathe!"

"Depends...what is Suicune looking for?"

"Drop him first!...alright my Father had a medalion that he stole from Suicune as a child."

Dana nodded at Steelix. Steelix relaxed a little and then Magmortar began gulping desperately for air. Blaine looked relieved.

"When my Father was young he found Suicune down near the nearby lake. Suicune was hurt so my Father helped him. My Father loved the medallion that Suicune always wore. One day when Suicune was sleeping he stole it and ran away. He gave it to me when he was dying. Suicune knew I had it and sought me out. I couldn't give it back because my Father's dying request was that I never returned it. I couldn't return it so Suicune went berserk and trashed the island."

Dana smiled and took out her phone to call John.

 

[zel]

When someone speaks, there should be no comma.

don't give advice if you don't know what you're talking about :/
if you're using tags at the end, then dialogue should have a comma. it just needs to be inside the quotation marks.
i.e. "Hello," said Some Person.
except of course if the dialogue is asked or shouted, in which case these would both be acceptable:
"Who are you?" she asked.
"Oh my!" he exclaimed.

if the dialogue is standing on its own without tags ("No way."), then (obviously) periods are fine. but you can never have dialogue without proper punctuation.

/zel's correct dialogue punctuation lesson

... sorry. i'm just in a "editor" kind of mood today :|
you probably know all this already

 

[TeamGalacticMercury]

OH NO!!!!!!!!!!! NOT SUICUNE!!!! Fire does not approve of this Dana!:nono: And hurting Magmortor!?!:nono: Fire will haunt you in your dreams!!! Nice chap!!!