TEEN: - Ongoing Unnamed Fanfic (Not rated R or higher, but may become so)

[Steel Trainer]

I just want to say at first that this is as of now totally PG-13. I may use the S-word, A-word, and innuendo of a sort, though nothing obviously offensive to any religion, sexual orientation, or avid anime fan.



Chapter One: Time to go...

A dark figure sits up out of bed, having rolled out in his sleep. He stretches, yawns, and gets up. Taking his time, he gets ready for his first day as a Pokemon Trainer. His mother bursts in the door wearing a face mask, saying he overslept by an hour because of Daylight Savings Time. He rushes downstairrs and out the door immediatly.

Raven: (breathing heavily) Heh... not good.
Running down the street, he grabs his bike and leaps on, racing down the hill at a very high speed for a bike. He leaps off again, just in time to crash it, sans Raven, into a ditch. It lands atop a bunch of other bikes, seemingly he sleeps in often. He dashes to the grand, ornate doors of Proffesor Rosebud, his overtolerant grandmother and teacher.
Raven: (calming down) I'm so sorry, grandma, I meant to change my clock, but... well... (mumbles off into Excuseland)
Rosebud: Well, well, he's here. I'm gonna have to break the bad news to you now. I have only one left.
Raven: WHAT!? No... I wanted an Aron for my first pokemon.
Rosebud: You did? Well, this is your quasi-lucky day, my grandson. It's not quite an Aron, though.
Raven: Aww.. well, let's look at it. What is it?
Rosebud: It's a Beldum. It is also of the Steel-type, just like Aron. Check it out.
Rosebud tosses the Ball into the middle of the hall and releases a Beldum.
Raven: Well, it certainly seems strong and sturdy-looking... I'll accept that. Hey, Beldum. How about it? You wanna be my Pokemon?
The Beldum levitates up to eye level with Raven, floating gently up and down a bit. It shakes its ball up and down indicating a nod.
Raven: Great! I know we'll get along well. Grandma, I've been studying, just like you told me to. I know all about the Pokemon League challenge. I just want to know where the nearest Gym is.
Rosebud: The nearest Gym is in Violet City. It's a bit north of here. I'd suggest going home first and talking it over with your mother, however. I'll see you tommorow.


<OOC> And the same to you, fans. How you like it so far?</OOC>

 

[Fig]

Errr...how to put it?

This fic shows many of the trademarks of the new writers - traps that someone easily fall in when they start writing their first story.

Some of the most noticeable problems :

-Not very original. "Main character wakes up late, get to lab, only one pokémon left" approach has been done...often. Very often. In fact, it's just about the biggest cliché of "new trainers" fic, and as such is on top of the "avoid at all cost" recomendations list.

-Script format. While SOMETIME this format (Ie,
Jonathan : I don't agree
Martah : I think he's right) can be good. Most of the time, it tends to be the easy way out - and to make for relatively poor writing, especially because of the absolute lack of description : while too much description is a problem, the total lack of it is even worse.

These are the two biggest problems

 

[DarkCircuit]

I totally agree with Damian.

Also, I'd like to add a few points as well:

1) The beginning, non-dialogue under Raven's first words was a bit confusing 0o;;

2)Beldum?!?! That's an UBER rare pokémon. Almost like FanFic God-moding >>;

3)Longer chapters! I try to keep my chapters between 600-1000 words long. That was like...362 [I checked XD] >>;

4)I actually didn't think your writing was too bad ^-^ If you fix it up, I'd like to hear the next chapter/episode.