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Unwanted/Forced Marriage - A Hypothetical case

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Kadabra

Kadabra

Kadabra used teleport!
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Ok, suppose you ever come across such a situation:

Some girl you know has an asshole boyfriend. Well-known for being an asshole, too, but you don’t judge because it’s none of your business. To you, the girl’s only a friend, and you’re not developing a grudge against the boyfriend simply because you want to steal his girl, or the like.

After some time, it turns out that he has cheated on her. You didn’t really know exactly how she felt about it, mainly because she never said much. Still, it later appears that their relationship continues on as before. You just think “What the hell? That’s stupid; I would have just dumped him!”, but, again, it’s none of your business, so you never comment.

A few weeks pass, and then you hear from her that he has dumped her. She’s extremely upset and shocked about it. He knows that she has no choice, so he expects her to beg him to be her boyfriend once again. A day later, he starts harassing her, telling her that he still loves her, and wants to make her happy, etc.. She tries to block/ignore him.

Then, he demands that she marries him! She doesn’t want to, but he won’t take “no” for an answer.

You see, her family forbids her from being anywhere near that guy to begin with, yet she has slept with him before. Her father, obviously doesn’t know, but has threatened to go as far as killing the guy, in the past. Her boyfriend knows her weakness, and uses it to threaten her that, if she refuses, he will tell everyone that she’s “a bitch who has sex with random guys,” which means her family will know, and her life will be ruined. As a result, they've decided to get married secretly, without their parents knowing.

You’ve tried to tell her that it’s a bad idea, but she claims that she has no choice and has to live with it regardless. Oh, and they're 17/18 years old; possibly18/19 by the time of marriage.


My question is: How would you, the guy watching this all unfold, react in this case? Do you think there’s any way to convince someone like her against the whole thing? Should you even be allowed to THINK about messing with the situation?

My opinion: If I lived in his area, I'd find out where he lived (wouldn't be hard at all), and beat the shit out of him. But would that really do much good? I don't know.
 
I'd say if the girl is that stupid she deserves what she gets.

She obviously does want to marry him...no one would marry someone just to keep the person from spreading false lies about them. Wouldn't her family believe her over some guy they hate that is a jerk? Plus she's an adult and can move out, it shouldn't "ruin her life" even if her parents did end up thinking she sleeps around.

I'd just tell her she's an idiot.
 
Kadabra said:
Ok, suppose you ever come across such a situation:

Some girl you know has an asshole boyfriend. Well-known for being an asshole, too, but you don’t judge because it’s none of your business. To you, the girl’s only a friend, and you’re not developing a grudge against the boyfriend simply because you want to steal his girl, or the like.

After some time, it turns out that he has cheated on her. You didn’t really know exactly how she felt about it, mainly because she never said much. Still, it later appears that their relationship continues on as before. You just think “What the hell? That’s stupid; I would have just dumped him!”, but, again, it’s none of your business, so you never comment.

A few weeks pass, and then you hear from her that he has dumped her. She’s extremely upset and shocked about it. He knows that she has no choice, so he expects her to beg him to be her boyfriend once again. A day later, he starts harassing her, telling her that he still loves her, and wants to make her happy, etc.. She tries to block/ignore him.

Then, he demands that she marries him! She doesn’t want to, but he won’t take “no” for an answer.

You see, her family forbids her from being anywhere near that guy to begin with, yet she has slept with him before. Her father, obviously doesn’t know, but has threatened to go as far as killing the guy, in the past. Her boyfriend knows her weakness, and uses it to threaten her that, if she refuses, he will tell everyone that she’s “a bitch who has sex with random guys,” which means her family will know, and her life will be ruined. As a result, they've decided to get married secretly, without their parents knowing.

You’ve tried to tell her that it’s a bad idea, but she claims that she has no choice and has to live with it regardless. Oh, and they're 17/18 years old; possibly18/19 by the time of marriage.


My question is: How would you, the guy watching this all unfold, react in this case? Do you think there’s any way to convince someone like her against the whole thing? Should you even be allowed to THINK about messing with the situation?

My opinion: If I lived in his area, I'd find out where he lived (wouldn't be hard at all), and beat the shit out of him. But would that really do much good? I don't know.
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That's special. Just... i dont know. But i completely agree with ChaosRocket.
 
I would've told her not to get involved with him to begin with. Even if she is just a friend, that's what friends do. If she doesn't want to listen to me, then I let her go about with what she will do. Personally, I don't see how anyone could be that stupid, but I tend to underestimate people a lot. As for the situation as given, yeah, she pretty much messed herself up and furthermore doesn't have that good of a friend if they just let that happen to her.
 
First, I think this girl is totally messed up. To let a guy manipulate her like that means she has a very low self-esteem. If I was her friend, I'd have told her since the beginning that her boyfriend is a manipulative asshole that will never respect her as a human being. That he's not worth her time.

At this point I think it's very difficult to convince her not to marry that jackass, but at least it would be a good idea to tell her not let the guy blackmail her like he did and reject his "marriage proposal".
 
I'd say if the girl is that stupid she deserves what she gets.

She obviously does want to marry him...no one would marry someone just to keep the person from spreading false lies about them. Wouldn't her family believe her over some guy they hate that is a jerk? Plus she's an adult and can move out, it shouldn't "ruin her life" even if her parents did end up thinking she sleeps around.

I'd just tell her she's an idiot.
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See, the problem is that they're not exactly false lies. She did have sex with him, and has the mindset "I already had sex with him, so I must marry him." He knows this and simply uses that to his advantage. She hates him for what he's done, and no, she doesn't want to marry him.

If just telling her that she's an idiot would have made her realize her mistakes, I would have done it already.

I would've told her not to get involved with him to begin with. Even if she is just a friend, that's what friends do. If she doesn't want to listen to me, then I let her go about with what she will do. Personally, I don't see how anyone could be that stupid, but I tend to underestimate people a lot. As for the situation as given, yeah, she pretty much messed herself up and furthermore doesn't have that good of a friend if they just let that happen to her.
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That would have worked if I knew her long enough. They were in a relationship for quite a while before I knew her. I guess he seemed like a good guy to her, at first.

First, I think this girl is totally messed up. To let a guy manipulate her like that means she has a very low self-esteem. If I was her friend, I'd have told her since the beginning that her boyfriend is a manipulative asshole that will never respect her as a human being. That he's not worth her time.

At this point I think it's very difficult to convince her not to marry that jackass, but at least it would be a good idea to tell her not let the guy blackmail her like he did and reject his "marriage proposal".
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She already accepted the "proposal"... I'm trying to find out how/if I should try to mess with the situation to fix that. I don't live anywhere near her geographical area, however, so I have pretty much no influence. I did talk to a friend of mine who knows her. Apparently, she knew nothing about the situation, and was quite shocked. She said she'd talk to her, but, again, I don't know how useful that will be.

If I found a way to get her parents involved in this, potentially putting a halt to it, but harming her greatly in the process...would it be a good idea? I have no clue as to how to do this at the moment, anyway, but it's the only thing I can come up with.
 
Kadabra said:
See, the problem is that they're not exactly false lies. She did have sex with him, and has the mindset "I already had sex with him, so I must marry him." He knows this and simply uses that to his advantage. She hates him for what he's done, and no, she doesn't want to marry him.
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Um how does her sleeping with her boyfriend equate to she's "a bitch who sleeps with random guys"? If he told people that, it would obviously be a lie.

I'm sorry, but she does want to marry him. If she truly didn't, her life would be a lot more "ruined" by marrying someone she hates than it would be by her parents knowing she slept with one guy.

Honestly, in 99% of cases, excuses are just that. If someone truly wants to do something, they'll find a way to do it, come hell or high water. And if someone truly doesn't want to do something, they'll avoid it at all costs. Obviously there's that 1% where something is truly preventing a person from doing what they want, but those are extreme situations, not "OMG he'll call me a bitch if I don't."
 
ChaosRocket said:
I'm sorry, but she does want to marry him. If she truly didn't, her life would be a lot more "ruined" by marrying someone she hates than it would be by her parents knowing she slept with one guy.
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It's called a "distorted view." Kinda like anorexic girls who think they're fat when they're 30 lbs underweight. It's actually, from what I've heard, VERY common in abuse situations like this (because it is CERTAINLY a verbal abuse situation if not a physical abuse situation as well). Look at case histories for women in abusive relationships. It all sounds a LOT like this. I'm certainly not a psychiatrist, psychologist, or even a counsellor, but I think I've read enough to make as generalized a claim as I have.

Just because someone does something, it doesn't mean they want to. Believe me, if that were the case, my life would be a WHOLE lot different. MOST people do COUNTLESS things they don't want to, and the reasons for doing so are as numerous as the people.

If I were this person's friend, I would have three words: "seek psychological help." And maybe a restraining order against the guy. I'm sure the dad would be more than happy to see to the restraining order.
 
It seems to me that that would still mean that she wants to. Anorexic people do want to starve themselves...maybe the REASON they want to starve themselves is because they're mentally ill, but that doesn't change the fact that they want to. I'm not saying it's good that she wants to marry him, it's obviously messed up, but she does want to.
 
There are several things that are 'messed up' in this scenario:

1. "He knows she has no choice.." Um, says who? Everyone has a choice about what they do and whom they do it with, and so on. She can choose not to see him again.
2. "He will tell everyone that she's a bitch who has sex with random guys...." and who will believe him, if everyone thinks he's an asshole to begin with? Some people will believe everything they hear and/or read; the intelligent people will try to at least verify the facts at hand.
3. "Her life will be ruined..." Because an asshole starts a rumor about her?
4. How does she think that getting married secretly to a man her father has threatened to kill is going to *improve* her life?

I agree with Grn's assessment. She needs some type of counseling and a restraining order.
 
How is this girl's home life? A submissive girl who "willingly" takes abuse like that may have been abused at home, or come from a family where the father beats the wife.
 
Saying what should have been done before wouldn't really help, as the harm has already been done, but I'll do it anyway. If I were the girl, I would have ditched the guy a long time ago. If I was the friend, I would attempt to gather enough courage to tell the girl that her boyfriend is an absolute asshole who will never really care about her. This wouldn't help much if the girl thought you were after her and wouldn't believe you. It's pretty obvious her judgment isn't that good if she's with such a guy.

At the marry-me-or-I'll-spread-rumours-about-you stage, it would be pretty difficult to solve the problem if the girl never told you about it. The best choice for the girl would be to just ignore it, rumours can be dispelled eventually. Obviously, if you knew about it, you would tell her this.

After she's already married, she's pretty screwed unless people knew about the threat. I'd probably find the guy then tell him off and/or beat the shit out of him, though.
 
but i see why she doesnt want people to think that "she's a bitch who sleeps with random guys." things really do get around fast. rumors really can mess people up... but she's screwed herself over... its up to her what she wants to do. either way, she'll suffer, but it was by her choices.
 
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