DarkCircuit
Owning your robotic ass!
- Joined
- Jun 7, 2005
- Messages
- 191
- Reaction score
- 0
Quick Guide:
Title: Walking in Your shoes
Author: Paul
Rating: PG-13
--Reason: Death [language later chapters~]
Notes: Ummm….fourth fanfic.
Prologue:
Akiko packed her things slowly. A bitter frown marred her pale face, and tears were brimming at the edge of her eyes.
“’Peon?” Her espeon purred softly and rubbed up against her leg.
She sighed and picked up her small pokémon. It’s purple fur felt good against her hands, which were tired of moving things into the giant truck. Carefully, she set espeon down on the bed and started grabbing more clothes from the closet to put into the suitcase. Her once overfilled closet now had only a few articles of clothing holding residence there. The bareness of it made leaving even harder. Knowing she would never use it again. Trivial things in her life now tore at her heart when she knew she’d be leaving them.
Akiko broke down and wept, flinging herself down on her bed. Her faithful espeon curled up next to her and began to lick her face.
“…” Akiko’s crying began to slacken, “Oh Lynn…”
Chapter 1:
Akiko looked out from the window of her new home. It gave her a vast view of Olivine town, and she loved it. That was about the only thing she loved in her new home. She signed heavily and began to head downstairs.
“Come on Lynn! We’re going to go downstairs for a quick snack.” Akiko started walking again and her espeon obediently followed her.
After the short walk to the kitchen, Akiko started looking through the fridge. She groaned.
“Looks like there’s really nothing here that looks good to eat. Do you wanna take a short walk over to the Golden ’Karp for some food?”
Lynn purred loudly, affirming her idea.
“MOM! I’M GOING TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT!”
“OK HONEY! BE CAREFUL!” Her mom yelled back from the basement.
The girl and her pokémon walked out the door, shutting it behind them. Ahead of them was a yard and small stretch of cement sidewalk out to the road. Their quaint yard was filled with healthy grass, trimmed very neatly. Akiko’s espeon began to prance about in it, but soon followed her owner when she began to leave the property.
“Hey Aki! What’s happening?” A boy from across the street waved at her.
“Oh. Hey Ben. Nothing. I’m just going somewhere to have a snack,” Akiko said, rather depressed that he had to be here. She knew what was coming next.
“Well, lucky I saw ya then! I’ll go too!” He crossed the street, coming up next to Aki and Lynn.
“Yes…lucky…” Aki rolled her eyes, but Ben wasn’t looking at her.
“You brought your espeon? Cool! I’ll have to let my umbreon out to then!” He grabbed a pokéball and threw it to the ground. A large umbreon popped out, and immediately started licking itself. “Say ‘Hi!’ Hector!”
“Um-Um-breon” It briefly looked up, then began to clean itself again.
“EspEON!” Lynn smacked it with its tail. The two trainers gasped.
“Lynn! Behave!” Aki scolded her.
“Hey! You guys, look up there! It’s Jasmine…and I think she’s in trouble!” Everyone looked at where Ben pointed.
“Omigosh! There’s an ambulance coming and everything!” The whirring siren was getting louder, and an ambulance was coming fast.
Ben and Aki began running at a breakneck speed. Hector and Lynn took off as soon as they realized that their trainers weren’t with them. The four reached the scene just as the paramedics did.
Everything was pure chaos. Citizens of Olivine were shouting and everyone was trying to get a peek at what was happening. Jasmine was lying in a pool of blood and her face was pale. A Victorian style brick fragment lay next to her. It had the feel of the old lighthouse that towered above them.
“MOM! NO!” Aki screamed.
----------end chap 1-----------
I really posted this fic because I need help editing it. To me, it appears supremely DULL. Any ideas for Chapter 1 revisions?
Title: Walking in Your shoes
Author: Paul
Rating: PG-13
--Reason: Death [language later chapters~]
Notes: Ummm….fourth fanfic.
Walking in Your Shoes
Prologue:
Akiko packed her things slowly. A bitter frown marred her pale face, and tears were brimming at the edge of her eyes.
“’Peon?” Her espeon purred softly and rubbed up against her leg.
She sighed and picked up her small pokémon. It’s purple fur felt good against her hands, which were tired of moving things into the giant truck. Carefully, she set espeon down on the bed and started grabbing more clothes from the closet to put into the suitcase. Her once overfilled closet now had only a few articles of clothing holding residence there. The bareness of it made leaving even harder. Knowing she would never use it again. Trivial things in her life now tore at her heart when she knew she’d be leaving them.
Akiko broke down and wept, flinging herself down on her bed. Her faithful espeon curled up next to her and began to lick her face.
“…” Akiko’s crying began to slacken, “Oh Lynn…”
Chapter 1:
Akiko looked out from the window of her new home. It gave her a vast view of Olivine town, and she loved it. That was about the only thing she loved in her new home. She signed heavily and began to head downstairs.
“Come on Lynn! We’re going to go downstairs for a quick snack.” Akiko started walking again and her espeon obediently followed her.
After the short walk to the kitchen, Akiko started looking through the fridge. She groaned.
“Looks like there’s really nothing here that looks good to eat. Do you wanna take a short walk over to the Golden ’Karp for some food?”
Lynn purred loudly, affirming her idea.
“MOM! I’M GOING TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT!”
“OK HONEY! BE CAREFUL!” Her mom yelled back from the basement.
The girl and her pokémon walked out the door, shutting it behind them. Ahead of them was a yard and small stretch of cement sidewalk out to the road. Their quaint yard was filled with healthy grass, trimmed very neatly. Akiko’s espeon began to prance about in it, but soon followed her owner when she began to leave the property.
“Hey Aki! What’s happening?” A boy from across the street waved at her.
“Oh. Hey Ben. Nothing. I’m just going somewhere to have a snack,” Akiko said, rather depressed that he had to be here. She knew what was coming next.
“Well, lucky I saw ya then! I’ll go too!” He crossed the street, coming up next to Aki and Lynn.
“Yes…lucky…” Aki rolled her eyes, but Ben wasn’t looking at her.
“You brought your espeon? Cool! I’ll have to let my umbreon out to then!” He grabbed a pokéball and threw it to the ground. A large umbreon popped out, and immediately started licking itself. “Say ‘Hi!’ Hector!”
“Um-Um-breon” It briefly looked up, then began to clean itself again.
“EspEON!” Lynn smacked it with its tail. The two trainers gasped.
“Lynn! Behave!” Aki scolded her.
“Hey! You guys, look up there! It’s Jasmine…and I think she’s in trouble!” Everyone looked at where Ben pointed.
“Omigosh! There’s an ambulance coming and everything!” The whirring siren was getting louder, and an ambulance was coming fast.
Ben and Aki began running at a breakneck speed. Hector and Lynn took off as soon as they realized that their trainers weren’t with them. The four reached the scene just as the paramedics did.
Everything was pure chaos. Citizens of Olivine were shouting and everyone was trying to get a peek at what was happening. Jasmine was lying in a pool of blood and her face was pale. A Victorian style brick fragment lay next to her. It had the feel of the old lighthouse that towered above them.
“MOM! NO!” Aki screamed.
----------end chap 1-----------
I really posted this fic because I need help editing it. To me, it appears supremely DULL. Any ideas for Chapter 1 revisions?
