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Why Fire Red stinks (Game, Comedy)

M

Maybe Wednesday

~green~
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a.k.a. Grey's Misadventures in Blunderland

Rated PG for mild language and occasional slight innuendo.

This is what I call a lolfic. It's not one of those masterful comedies, just pure laughs. Basically, what I'm giving you is a walkthrough of Fire Red from my character Grey's POV, taking the mickey out of anything and everything. Enjoy, laugh, and tell me what you reckon.

By the way, this is not meant to be a grammatical masterpiece. It's deliberately choppy and full of one-liners. Literally.

Chapter One-Pallet Town​

I meet Professor Oak. I get a lecture about stuff I already know.
I am a boy.
My name is Grey. Yes.
This is Oak’s grandson. He’s been my rival since we both were babies.
His name is Brown. Yes. This old man has Alzheimer’s.
Lecture, lecture...
My very own Pokémon legend is about to unfold! Whuppee.
A world of dreams and adventures with Pokémon awaits. I’m so excited. Not.

I played with the NES. Okay! It’s time to go!
I booted up the PC. I withdrew a Potion. What’s this? I’m not Harry Potter...
I talked to my mom. Apparently all boys leave home someday.
How did you know that?
It said so on TV.
Oh well, that explains it. TV is always right.
And Professor Oak from next door is looking for me. Creepy.
That’s it? I just get kicked out? I’m ten, for crying out loud!
...Fine. See ya!

I went next door, but the only one there is a girl with a map.
It’s Daisy. She reckons her brother, Brown, is out at her Grandpa’s lab.
Your grandpa? Remember, I’m a noob Trainer. I don’t know your Grandpa! Sheesh...
Fine. Just ignore me.
Hang on...the letterbox outside says “Brown’s house.”
But I thought that Mom said the Professor lived here!

I enter the lab and talk to some guys in white coats.
They both study Pokémon as Professor Oak’s aide. I never would have guessed.
The woman in green just gushes about how wonderful Professor Oak is. Blech.
There’s a guy with brown hair. Let’s chat to him.
What, it’s only Grey? ONLY Grey? Who does this guy think he is!
And Gramps isn’t around. Everybody but me has a grandfather in this town!!
Hold on... Maybe this is Brown! That would make sense.
Then he’d be Daisy’s brother, and Oak would be their grandfather. Dilemma solved.

But now, we have a missing Professor. Oh joy.
There are three buildings in town. If that even constitutes a town.
They’re all devoid of useful information. Great. Heck, I’m out of here!
Going south. Nope, can’t swim. I’m ten, and I can’t get in the water. Great.
Let’s go north. Ooh, I can see grass. Let’s go!
Huh? Someone’s yelling at me!
It’s Oak! Where did he come from? I just scoured all of Pallet for you!
Whaddya mean, it’s unsafe?
I need my own Pokémon, do I? Shows how much you know.
I can handle this myself, thanks! Urk!
What? Huh? No! I don’t wanna go with you!
Mom told me never to go with strangers!

Oh, sod it, we’re back in the second-rate lab.
And Brown is fed up with waiting. Reminds me of Epsilon...
And now the Professor is trying to remember why there’s two ten-year-olds in his lab.
Yup. Alzheimer’s. Definitely.
Now he remembers! He told us to come. Yes, we’re waiting.
Three Pokémon? I never would have guessed...
The PokéBalls were a dead giveaway. What’s so funny?
The Pokémon are held inside the PokéBalls. Are you deaf as well?
Ooh, he was a serious Pokémon Trainer when he was young.
We’d better watch out, eh Brown? Haha.
But now, he only has three left.
The rest probably died waiting for him to remember they existed.

I can have one? Just like that? Seriously? Awesome!
What are they? Dragonite? Gyarados? Moltres? Let’s go see...
Yes, Brown can have one too. No shtick.
First PokéBall. It’s a... midgetized dinosaur with a piece of mouldy garlic on its back.
Apparently, it’s easy to raise, but who cares? It looks like it sucks. No. Do not want.
Next one. Hopefully not a vegetable. Oh my. A turtle. It looks like it wants a hug.
It’s worth raising, huh? You think? No me gusta.
Please, let the third one be respectable! Ooh, now this is wicked!
It’s still puny, but it burns hot. I should raise it patiently, huh?
If that’s the selection, I’m going with the salamander thingy. Yes!
Holy Arceus, it’s really quite energetic!
A nickname...hmm. I’ll call you...nah.
Who came up with the dumb idea of nicknames, anyway? Charmander it is.
A Fire-type. Burn, baby, burn.
Brown took the hugging turtle. Loser.
I got the only good one! *sticks tongue out at Brown*

Let’s get out of this dump.
Huh? Brown wants to check out our Pokémon. Ooh, a battle.
Bring it on, sucker.
Rival Brown would like to battle. He just told me that. I’m not completely thick!
He sent out Squirtle. No! I do not want a hug!
Oak reckons he’s being pushy. What are you saying? I agreed to this!
Never had a Pokémon battle? Of course I have! I’m the Sinnoh League Champion!
Hang on, wrong incarnation.
Blah blah blah, another lecture. Battle, pit, HP, 0, talking, experience, try, yourself.
Eh? What? Oh. I can wake up now.
What will Charmander do? Well...
Will Charmander “Bag”? Bag what? Never mind for now...
Will he “Pokémon”? What is this? ESOL class?
Or will he “Run”? Running’s good. I can’t hit him from here!
Run, Charmander!
What do you mean there’s no running away?
I meant run towards, not away!
*facepalm*

I guess that means he’ll “Fight”.
What? Will he “Scratch”, or will he “Growl”? I don’t see growling being very useful...
Scratch! Teehee, I’m faster than you!
What? Oak’s talking again? Can we just have this battle, please?
Huh? Tail Whip? Charmander’s Defense fell? Aw, snap! Scratch it again!
It’s Tackling Charmander! I told you it wanted a hug!
Just keep Scratching...
Scratch. Tail Whip. Scratch. Tackle. Scratch.
Yay, it died! No, wait. Fainted. Oh, it’s fragile!
Charmander gained 70 Exp. Points! Ooh... Charmander grew to level 6!
Oh joy! Oh happiness! Nothing can stop us now!
A few random numbers later...

I defeated Rival Brown. Uh-huh! *does victory dance*
Oh, unbelievable, is it?
Yes, you did pick the wrong Pokémon. Why? What did you see in that turtle?
Ooh, he gave me money! How sweet...
80 bucks... Awesome! I can buy Pokémon Diamond with this!
Snore...Oak’s droning again...

Oh? Brown’s gonna make his Pokémon battle to toughen it up. It sure needs it!
Smell me later? Say WHAT? Sicko...
OK...as I was saying, let’s get out of here!
 
XD why people always gotta make a comedy on firered........anyways, funny
 
Thanks! Have another chapter! A lot shorter than the first, but chapter three will be longer, I promise.

Chapter Two-Route 1​

Ah, the grass...it smells so sweet. Route 1.
Isn’t it coincidental that they number the roads starting in the middle of nowhere?
*whistles* Ah! OMG! A Pokémon!
A wild Rattata! It’s a freaking purple rat. F.E.A.R the purple rat!
Wait, I can’t do that... No Focus Sashes in Kanto. Darn.
No point bothering with it, then...
Ah, what the heck. Sick ‘em, Charmander!
Scratch! Tail Whip! Scratch! Tail Whip! Scratch! Tackle! Scratch! How repetitive...
It fainted, too. Lol.
Ooh, Charmander grew to level 7! More weird numbers...
How am I even getting these numbers? I don’t have a PokéDex yet...
Charmander learned Ember! What, just like that? I thought you had to teach moves?
Yet Charmander suddenly knows it, because it’s crossed an invisible threshold.
Weird. I hate game physics.

Talking to random guy...
He works at a Pokémon Mart. Do I look like I care? Of course not. Cause why?
I’m a rude, obnoxious, snot-nosed little kid with a superiority complex. That’s why.
Yet still, he keeps talking. Chain, Viridian...ooh! Free stuff! Another Potion.
Dammit! I already told you, this isn’t a Harry Potter crossover!
Enough already. Back to the adventure.

Tum-te-tum-tummmmmm... Borrrrrrrring.
Look! Another guy! Wearing a hula skirt! Wait...no, he’s just buried in long grass.
Of course I see those ledges along the road!
....
Am I hearing this right? He thinks it’s a bit scary to jump from them.
I can get back to Pallet quicker that way. Scary? Please...

Oh, another Pokémon; Rattata again. Blasted Normal-types!
Where’re all the Dragon-types, eh?
Let’s try out that Ember.
Lol. A 2KO. Spastic or what?

No wonder nobody lives here.
 
I don't usually read fan-fic, I just came in here randomly. But I like yours, it's funny "Smell me later? Say WHAT? Sicko..." XD
 
"They probably all died waiting for him to remember they existed"

LOL!
 
I'm not much for comedy. . Nor did I find this all that amusing.

However, I did find that half of the stuff you were saying is exactly what I was thinking while playing the game.
 
Chapter Three-Viridian City​

A city! Yay! A population of millions, high-rise apartments, shopping malls...no.
Another backwater village, posing as a city. Let’s talk to the residents.
No, I don’t want to buy-
No, I do not want to know about the two kinds of caterpillar Pokémon.
There are at least three, anyway. Have you never heard of a Weedle?
Who else is there?...
Oh, hi. The PokéBalls at my waist? I have Pokémon? Really? I never knew!
Yes, it’s great that I can carry and use Pokémon anytime, anywhere. What is this?
Loser. Let’s go to the Pokémon Centre.

Ooh, there are more people here! Hi there! What’s up?
A Pokémon Centre in every town, eh. That would make sense.
Otherwise, my Pokémon might die of exhaustion.
Oh, and it’s free too? How does Nurse Joy make a living?
I wonder if she has...another job after hours...
Another guy tells me what a Pokémon Centre does. I know that, Sherlock.
The third bloke says something about a PC. It’s free? Wow.
Unless it has Star Wars, I’m not interested.
Welcome to our Pokémon Centre! *looks around furtively*
Our? Just how many of you are there?
Yes, duh, I’d like you to heal my Pokémon back to perfect health!
Why else would I be here?
Oh yeah, to take the mickey out of the translators.
You’ll take my Pokémon? No! Thief!
Oh, for a few seconds. Why didn’t you say so?
Thank you for waiting.
You’re welcome. It’s not like I had any choice.
Those vicious Rattata would tear me to shreds if I tried to leave alone.
Yeah right.
They’ve restored my Pokémon to full health. I should think so, too.
They hope to see me again? Why? Do they want my Pokémon to get hurt?
I tell ya, it’s a conspiracy.

North we go!
I don’t want to go west.
My psychic senses tell me that my rival hides there with at least three Pokémon.
South, three houses.
East, a bunch of trees that for some reason I cannot pass through.
So north it is.
Oh, look, a dead guy in the middle of the road!
And his granddaughter’s gone mad with grief.
He appears to have had a heart attack, and she’s raving about him being mean.
And coffee. Poor girl. *sniff* I know, I’ll talk to the dead body.
Wah! It’s alive! It absolutely forbids me from going through here!
It’s private property, apparently.
No, dumdum. It’s a road.

~~~~~

Another chapter coming soon!
 
"They hope to see me again? Why? Do they want my Pokémon to get hurt?"

Lolz, that's what I thought the first time I went to a Pokémon Center. Sheesh, Joi, you want my Pokémon to get killed? Bitch. .
 
I'm sure Brock would be very interested in that "after hours job"

I like this. Pokemon according to someone over the age of 11. Keep it up!
 
Mooites said:
Pokemon according to someone over the age of 11.
Click to expand...

I should use that as the title for my Emerald lolfic that I'll do when I finish this. Here comes...

Chapter 4-Route 22 and Viridian (2)​

Ach, sod it. Let’s go west.
Ooh, a secret passage, heading north. Could this get me past Mr. Coffee?
No. It’s a PokéBall! I get another Pokémon! Yay me!
...
It’s another Potion. Why the heck was there a Potion inside of a PokéBall?
I mean, seriously! WTF?
And a demented tree that looks like it can be cut down.
Hmm...if that’s not foreshadowing, I don’t know what is.
Back off west, then!
A patch of grass. So far, so good. No Brown yet.
OMFG it’s a SPEAROW! Yay! Epic!
You’re mine...
Ember! Growl. Ember again!
It’s in the red. I should catch it now.
Bag. Items. Key items...PokéBalls! Uh?
...
Don’t tell me I have no PokéBalls... *headbang*
Scratch. Spearow faints.

I ought to go get some PokéBalls.
I can buy some from the PokéMart!
*sigh* back to Viridian we go, then...

As soon as I enter the PokéMart, I’m pounced upon by the clerk.
Er...yes, I came from Pallet Town. How’d you know that? You stalker...
Unfortunately, yes, I do know Professor Oak.
His order? What am I, a delivery boy? Oh, gee, thanks! I just get given the parcel?
Not even a “But thou must!”? What sort of...oh, never mind.
Here, I’ll take the darn parcel. But you better pay me for this!
Oh, can you at least sell me some PokéBalls?
Unh? Yeah, I’ll say hi to Professor Oak for you. Now, if you don’t mind-
...
I already said, yes! I’ll say hi for you! Now please, I wanna buy some stuff!
...
GAAAH! DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND ME?
I WANT TO BUY SOME STUFF!
...
Sod you.

There you go. I told you there would be a “but thou must”. I hate RPGs sometimes...
So, back to the hellho- sorry, Pallet Town.
 
"Ember! Growl. Ember again!
It’s in the red. I should catch it now.
Bag. Items. Key items...PokéBalls! Uh?
...
Don’t tell me I have no PokéBalls... *headbang*
Scratch. Spearow faints."

I HATE when that happens!! ><
 
Why not? Another chapter!

Chapter Five-Pallet Town (2)​

After a short and uneventful journey along Route 1...
(Scary ledges! Not.)
Oh, a Pidgey. Ember.
A 2KO, and a level up. Boo-yah!
And I still can’t catch anything!
Oak better have some answers...

Into the lab, tum-te-tum.
OMG. He hasn’t moved since I left.
Paralysis, Alzheimer’s, severe deafness...this guy should be in hospital.
Charmander likes me already? Wow, it works on girls and Pokémon!
Yes, I am a very good Trainer.
Yes, I has a package for you.
A custom PokéBall, huh? Wonders never cease.
You’re welcome.

Oh, ye gods. It’s Brown.
...
He almost forgot? Like grandfather, like grandson, I guess.
Oak has a request for us two? What’s he up to? I wonder...
If I had a beard, I would stroke it.
...
Your invention, the PokéDex? Aren’t you a clever old geezer!
What does it do? Play video games? Make candy? Tell me how awesome I am?
No, it automatically records data on Pokémon I see or catch.
Where’s the fun in that?
A high-tech encyclopaedia! o_O

What? I don’t want one! Brown can have both of them! No! No! N-ah, dang it.
Lecture time...wake me up when he stops talking, Brown...
Hunh? Wha? PokéBalls? At last! The only worthwhile thing Oak’s done all day!
Now go back to sleep...I wonder if he notices my eyes glazing over...
Too right you’re too old.
Eh? Just lump a lifetime of work on us, why don’t you? Ach!
Do we at least get paid?
Didn’t think so.
Great undertaking? Sure...

Ooh, now Brown is dissing me. Stuck-up loser.
You’ll borrow a Town Map from your sis?
And you’ll tell her not to lend me one? How selfish!
I shouldn’t bother coming around to his place after this?
Hoo, boy. Nintendo reverse psychology at its best.
(Author’s Note: The first time I played this game, it worked. I went without a map until I had all eight badges...>_>)
So Brown runs off. Typical. Oak stands there, blabbing something about Pokémon.
I’m out of here, for good this time.

Back to Viridian City we go!
 
I've realized that this game gets extremely repetitive. . ._.

I've been wondering something, why have you named your rival Brown? >.> And yourself Grey?
 
Yeah, the Pokemon games do tend to get old really fast.

"If I had a beard, I would stroke it"

ha!
 
@ShinjiLover: To mock the tradition of Nintendo naming characters after colours etc. Just about every Pokemon game has a character named after it, be it in the manga or the opposite game. Red, Blue, Yellow, Green, Gold, Silver, Crystal, Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, Diamond, Pearl and Platinum ALL have PokeSpe characters named after them. I was going to call my character Black, but then I realised that some people might percieve that as racist.

@Mooites: I pinched that from somewhere. Cookies to anyone who figures out where.
 
"My psychic senses tell me that my rival hides there with at least three Pokémon." Brilliant.

"OMG. He hasn’t moved since I left.
Paralysis, Alzheimer’s, severe deafness...this guy should be in hospital."
What I've always wanted to know about Oak is that in RBY he seems to be this incredibly senile old man incapable of doing anything useful, but then two years later he's travelling around the world - he is witnessed in both Johto and Sinnoh! Why? Why the hell not, that's why.


I didn't get a Town Map either... Also, whenever they said I had to do something quickly, like battle Team Rocket or something I always thought there was a time limit or... they'd destroy the world? I dunno. I remember running to place the place thinking there was no time to heal my Pokemon. Hoo boy, did I black out a lot.
 
Please note: The thread is from 17 years ago.
Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
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