TEEN: - Complete XY019-Satoshi's Call

[Fan of Jarrus]

A bloodier take on the scene when Satoshi tries to break Pikachu out of hypnotism. He is so damaged that it causes him to faint.



I yell as my partner’s tail hits me across the chest. That sends me crashing in the wall. Gasping as I prevent the blood spurting out. I reach out with my other hand. “Pikachu, I know you don’t mean to.” The four years we have been together, he cannot forget those times.

He responds to my calls with a blast of electricity. I yelp as I fall back, knocking the air out of me. “Damn that Karamanero.” I curse as my mouth fills with blood. I spit the excess out and try to get to Pikachu. He aims another blast of electricity at me. I hold myself up with my hands as my strength diminishes.

I reach out to him, crawling while whispering to my partner. “Our bond is stronger than the Karamanero’s control.” The pain in me almost takes me out. But I manage to reach Pikachu with my hand. “I know you are there, my friend.”

“Keep trying, human. Talking will not work.” The Karamanero just cackles at my efforts and orders Pikachu to attack me again. “Send out another bolt.”

“You would not want to.” I clutch my bleeding chest. Another blast hits me which open up fresh wounds on my arms. I yelp as I nearly collapse as more blood escapes. “Come on, my friend. You broke through brainwashing before.” I remind Pikachu in a whisper.

Pikachu stops himself as I speak. He fights the urge to shock me again. I crawl closer to him as he squeaks in agony. My friend’s eyes lose the cruel glare as I continue to talk. He has a moment taking in my condition. Pikachu squeaks weakly, shaking hard. “Satoshi, I’m sorry.” He licks the blood from my mouth and frowns.

“Hey. It is alright.” I whisper with a smile. “You didn’t mean it.” I gather the remaining energy in me to get myself up. Blood again fills my mouth and I hurl it up. “I hope that I will not lose too much blood.” I rub my head as my vision blurs. “Serena will want to treat my wounds.” She always does worry when I am hurt.

“Can you manage?” Pikachu gently nudges my hand.

“I can.” I nod as I allow Pikachu to jump down to fight. Taking wobbly steps, I glare at the Karamanero. “100,000 Volts.” I order Pikachu in a low voice. He aims a stunning blast at the dark Pokémon, causing it to yelp. We can take down this Karamanero even if it kills me.

An sudden explosion hits the Karamanero. Quickly, I shield Pikachu as the blast comes for him. The impact paralyzes my body. “You alright?” I whisper to Pikachu as I wipe blood from my chin. I cannot keep my vision clear as my strength fades. My head drops and I slip into darkness.

 

[Ghostsoul]

I'll start off by saying this is pretty short for a first chapter and I'm not too sure if you need the entire chapter description as the first line of the text. The chapter/story appears to start in the middle, which can work in some cases, but there isn't much to grasp onto here since there is no context. Perhaps something to do with how Pikachu was hypnotized would add something to the prose.

The writing is actually consistent the description is rather decent and you do manage to carry a mood throughout the work. The conclusion perhaps comes a little too quickly, although the last line you used specifically could be be considered a cliche I think it is actually rather dramatic here.

 

[diamondpearl876]

Hi, there!

“You would not want to.” I clutch my bleeding chest. Another blast hits me which open up fresh wounds on my arms. I yelp as I nearly collapse as more blood escapes. “Come on, my friend. You broke through brainwashing before.” I remind Pikachu in a whisper.

You do a good job showing how much physical pain Ash is in because of Pikachu. I might suggest adding other descriptors since there's a lot of repetition about blood, and maybe even mentioning some specific memories the two cherish would be nice for a bigger emotional impact.

Ash's also dialogue feels slightly forced, I guess, if only because it's a tad formal. I can't imagine him saying "my friend" or breaking contractions so that he says "would not" instead of "wouldn't."

“I can.” I nod as I allow Pikachu to jump down to fight. Taking wobbly steps, I glare at the Karamanero. “100,000 Volts.”

I like the idea of a specific volt number when ordering electric-types. It tells them just how much power to use, especially if they're being ordered to attack a human or a weak creature.

I hope to see you around the Writers Workshop again soon! ^^