Persephone
The Vulture Queen
- Joined
- Apr 12, 2014
- Messages
- 863
- Reaction score
- 211
It's hard to make a story where nothing happens work. And I have great sympathy for you in trying, and mostly succeeding. At first.
But by midway through the first proper chapter, when the same essentially monologue had been running for a while on about the same topic, I really started to get bored.
The next chapter helped a little, varying the nature of the narrative and having actual events, but by then the damage had been done. If I didn't really believe in returning reviews I would've fallen asleep and never gone back.
This isn't to say that the work has no promise. I very much like the concept, as someone else fascinated by Galactic and its aftermath. And the prologue felt good. But then things kind of stayed exactly the same for too long.
So some ideas:
-Get out of Saturn's head a bit, or vary the topics he thinks about away from Cyrus directly so you don't end up repeating yourself
-Make things happen to add some sense of purpose to the narrative, and make it seem like things are progressing
You've already started both. Saturn turns on a computer, takes out a light bulb, names some people and comments on spikes. But all of his monologue is really all Cyrus all the time.
As an example of what could happen, have him go to a water cooler and drink. Maybe he talks to someone - show that dialogue rather than just tell it happens. Show in narrative his awkwardness around grunts and their awkwardness around him. Describe in detail the decayed nature of the space the cooler is in, yet how the item itself operates. Wonder how it came about that it got filled today. Talk about it as a sign of a standing structure in a ruined space.
Hey, that was an entire scene with little internal monologue and no constant Cyrus talk. It got out of Saturn's head and into events that are significant and easier to follow, but more interesting than endless paragraphs of short sentences about space metaphors and Cyrus.
Scenes like that can also play reality against Saturn's view of the world. Part of the flaws of this story, to me, is that we only have Saturn's view. There's nothing to contradict him. Show the breaks between his view and reality, which could add even more depth to his character.
So, yeah, you have potential. And I can't talk about biting off a bit much in the artsy department on a first Fic. And I think with more revisisions, a hypothetical draft two could be very good.
But by midway through the first proper chapter, when the same essentially monologue had been running for a while on about the same topic, I really started to get bored.
The next chapter helped a little, varying the nature of the narrative and having actual events, but by then the damage had been done. If I didn't really believe in returning reviews I would've fallen asleep and never gone back.
This isn't to say that the work has no promise. I very much like the concept, as someone else fascinated by Galactic and its aftermath. And the prologue felt good. But then things kind of stayed exactly the same for too long.
So some ideas:
-Get out of Saturn's head a bit, or vary the topics he thinks about away from Cyrus directly so you don't end up repeating yourself
-Make things happen to add some sense of purpose to the narrative, and make it seem like things are progressing
You've already started both. Saturn turns on a computer, takes out a light bulb, names some people and comments on spikes. But all of his monologue is really all Cyrus all the time.
As an example of what could happen, have him go to a water cooler and drink. Maybe he talks to someone - show that dialogue rather than just tell it happens. Show in narrative his awkwardness around grunts and their awkwardness around him. Describe in detail the decayed nature of the space the cooler is in, yet how the item itself operates. Wonder how it came about that it got filled today. Talk about it as a sign of a standing structure in a ruined space.
Hey, that was an entire scene with little internal monologue and no constant Cyrus talk. It got out of Saturn's head and into events that are significant and easier to follow, but more interesting than endless paragraphs of short sentences about space metaphors and Cyrus.
Scenes like that can also play reality against Saturn's view of the world. Part of the flaws of this story, to me, is that we only have Saturn's view. There's nothing to contradict him. Show the breaks between his view and reality, which could add even more depth to his character.
So, yeah, you have potential. And I can't talk about biting off a bit much in the artsy department on a first Fic. And I think with more revisisions, a hypothetical draft two could be very good.