HELP: my script sample how can i improve it

[danh19]

INT. team rocket HQ Giovanni's office - night

GIOVINNI is sitting back in his desk chair completely encased in shadow in his imposing office

the young rocket trio JESSIE MEOWTH and JAMES squinting leaned forward trying to make out his temperament

he sits forward clenching his fists trying to retain control of his sociopathic anger

the trio back away in fright all but Jessie adverting their eyes she quickly glances him in the eyes before doing the same

Giovanni
i have had enough of your screw ups i suggest you leave while you still can

James bursts forwards all sense of fear replaced with desperation he leans over the the desk towards the boss who sits back taken aback giovanni quickly regains control

James
please Giovanni sir give us one more chance

his focus is drawn to Jessie staring at her in thought much to her confusion

Giovanni
(in mind)
i do owe her mother that much
(aloud)
one more chance

the trio look at each other they can't believe their luck

 

[canisaries]

Alright so, first up, you should use proper punctuation and capitalization. Make the I-pronouns uppercase, use commas, periods, exclamation marks, question marks, all that. Also, spellcheck is your friend: "avert", not "advert", and Giovanni is misspelled on the second row.

I'm not an expert on writing scripts, but I think there should definitely be more distinction between the action and dialogue. Right now it just kind of blends together. Here's a handy link that has way more detailed and helpful advice on how screenplays are formatted. You can change text alignment (for example, center text) by using the "Alignment" button next to the link buttons at the top bar when you're making a post.

On the content of the sample: kind of hard to say much, given how short it is. It seems like a pretty standard scene. It's been kind of a while since I watched the anime, but the characterization seems loyal enough.

Then on to some word choices:

the young rocket trio JESSIE MEOWTH and JAMES squinting leaned forward trying to make out his temperament

Temperament refers to "a person's or animal's nature, especially as it permanently affects their behaviour", or "the tendency to behave angrily or emotionally". I think you meant to express that the trio wanted to find out his expression or mood or so on. In any case, temperament is an unchanging, life-long attribute, and not the word you were looking for.

he sits forward clenching his fists trying to retain control of his sociopathic anger

I don't really know what "sociopathic anger" would be, but given what we know of the Team Rocket trio, Giovanni's anger towards their bumbling idiocy is pretty understandable and would manifest similarly in both sociopaths and non-sociopaths.

If you're not totally sure what a certain word means, you should consider substituting it with a more familiar one, especially in a script where clarity is required in order for the production to work. If you still feel like the word is something you want or need to use, double check its meaning by typing in the word into Google, followed by the word "definition" (in some cases, you don't even need that and Google gives you a definition automatically). This is how I check words, being foreign, and it's worked so far. Has saved me from a lot of embarrassing mistakes, too.

Finally, if you're looking for a place to post short samples and receive critique, The Samples Thread is a good place for that, you should check that out.

 

[Gengarzilla]

Late reply, but what I do appreciate most of all in your sample is the mention of Jessie's mother. Miyamoto definitely isn't the most well known character of all time, so this tells me that you have done some research as a writer into your setting and background, which is a good start.

For everything else, I would have to agree with the all the points of the user above me; Google has helped me a lot with word definitions too.

 

[danh19]

thanks for the positive comment and I am aware that I have a lot of issues don't worry clearly I am not a natural writer