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- #41
Hello! I've been meaning to read your fic because you seem like a cool person, so hi!
The premise of this fic is really interesting! Admittedly, I've never played Colosseum/XD, but I still find the Orre region really interesting. Having an artist protagonist is really cool! You can do a lot of fun stuff with an artist protagonist: how do they see the world? Do they see it in terms of composition/color/etc.? What details do they notice that others don't? I also think that Cecilia's relationships are interesting: we have her estranged relationship with her father and her "oh my god they were roommates" relationship with Tomoko. Also, I like the imagery of Orre as a barren wasteland. Good stuff.
I'm guessing this fic is in what I call a diary tense—first person, with actions being in past tense and information being in present tense. However, I noticed some grammatical stuff that I can only point out by directly quoting it and then bolding corrections.
Overall, I think this is a really good fic! Definitely gonna check out the rest of it.
The premise of this fic is really interesting! Admittedly, I've never played Colosseum/XD, but I still find the Orre region really interesting. Having an artist protagonist is really cool! You can do a lot of fun stuff with an artist protagonist: how do they see the world? Do they see it in terms of composition/color/etc.? What details do they notice that others don't? I also think that Cecilia's relationships are interesting: we have her estranged relationship with her father and her "oh my god they were roommates" relationship with Tomoko. Also, I like the imagery of Orre as a barren wasteland. Good stuff.
I'm guessing this fic is in what I call a diary tense—first person, with actions being in past tense and information being in present tense. However, I noticed some grammatical stuff that I can only point out by directly quoting it and then bolding corrections.
I lowered my goggles down onto my neck.
Double period or a missing period in an ellipsisWell..
in a half cross legged way
I felt like I’ve been coming to this spot forever and with it so out of the way, it begs the question how I found it to begin with
I scratched my head.
I changed my posture on my bike
I ended up just putting my knee up to my chest the best I could with my other leg just spread out normally, and then I returned to my drawing.
The Orreisian desert’s wind picked up and kicked the sand all around, barely hitting my eyes. Each strike of the pencil was the only sound I heard besides the beating sun and the gust of wind.
The sketch was turning out alright. The newest rock formation I was basing it on was in the shape of a giant hand.
It was when I was kid, and I just kinda kept doing it after all those art classes in school.
Right now, the job I havenowwill satisfy me until I figure out what to do with my life. I never really did figure that out. All I know is that I don't want to be a mechanic fixing bikes and cars for the rest of my life.
I raised my sketchpad in front of the rock I was sketching. Was I getting it right? I thought about adding a background besides just the rock. Depth always helps. Yeah. That was a good idea. I went with that.
I thought about coloring this piece, but I don’t often sketch with colors.
Right aroundAs I was doing the finishing touches upon the sketch
The screen lit up with the words:
“I was just worried since you didn’t come back to our apartment.”
I stared down at my watch out of habit. Oh crap,it’saround six already? I supposed I was there longer than I thought. No wonder my roommate got worried, I haven’t taken the majority of rejections well.
“Ah, Tomoko, she’s too kind for her own good sometimes,” I said aloud.
I put my sketchbook away in my messenger bag and threw it into my hoverbike’s sidecar. I proceeded to sit down properly onto the vehicle. I turned the key as the engine roar engulfed the lifeless desert once again.
As I looked into the distance, I saw something blue, a flash of blue more like it. It couldn't be, could it? I thought it was just my imagination back then, but it couldn’t be real.
I blink and just like it appeared, it was gone once again. I guessed since I was thinking about it earlier my mind decided to play tricks on me. I decided I just had to go to bed early tonight.
I raised my goggles to my eyes properly this time. I kicked a stand-like mechanism, which prompted the bike to rise above the ground and hover amongst the sand. I put the pedal to the gas and took off.
Overall, I think this is a really good fic! Definitely gonna check out the rest of it.