Ghostsoul
"You can order me around and I'll disappoint you!"
- Joined
- May 25, 2015
- Messages
- 480
- Reaction score
- 188
The start of this fic feels like a fairly mixed bag. It’s definitely not bad but a few areas let it down a bit.
You’ve established a world fairly similar to the Pokémon Mystery Dungeon games with some new twists that make it more unique. ‘The association’ is like the guild from PMD2 with a very different spin on it and exploration of ‘aura powers’ in more detail. I feel this can also be used to explore the more social themes of the PMD universe later in the fic. For example, what it means to be certain ranks in the guild etc.
Many of the changes you’ve made are also used to make the universe of PMD feel much deadlier and less human than in the games. Many of the fight scenes (such as what we see in the prologue) feel impactful and dangerous. The introduction of ‘mutant’ Pokémon and these ‘pink clouds’ also adds to this factor of danger and add a new obstacle and mystery to the fic.
The similarity to the games is also established through the use of game mechanics to describe actions. Most of these time they add flavour to the fic and don’t feel forced. Such as the use of the evolite, mention of Pokémon types and use of dungeon mechanics are often fluid. However, when these game mechanics are employed during fight scenes they tend to have the opposite effect. They make you lose the ‘feel’ of the story. For example, it’s much better to know what the ‘faint attack’ looks and feels like rather than simply mentioning that it was a ‘faint attack’. This tends to make fight scenes much more intense and epic.
In fact, I feel as if the setting could be better described in general in many places; dungeons are beautiful, strange and hostile places and I believe they deserve more attention when you chose to write about them. This will also help with another issue the story has, moving on from scenes too quickly at times. This made it feel as if the story was being rushed through. If the scenes were a bit more detailed and longer this would let them feel as if they have more meaning. For example, the dream sequence in the prologue would have been a good opening but sadly it came across as cliché and a bit empty because of its length. Stuff like this can easily be fixed with a bit more setting description.
I’d like to see a bit more from Owen. So far we are a bit unsure about why he wants to be a part of the ‘association’. I’m guessing it’s mostly to prove himself as a ‘late evolver’ that he can be a great adventurer. I wonder if something in his backstory has also made him this way. I imagine we will find out. The other characters, we haven’t seen much of them so far. But many of them were introduced fairly quickly and mostly seem to be there to help Owen’s journey as the protagonist.
I feel that, somewhat, the story would benefit being told in first person (from Owen’s POV directly) rather than third person (how it is now). The story seems to very much be about Owen and very dialogue heavy as first-person writing tends to be. It would also enable you to emphasise the environment of the dungeons a little less since first-person writing allows you to look at internal thoughts in more detail. I’m not saying you have to change it, but I feel the fic itself would have more focus this way.
You have a fic with a lot of game elements and some interesting worldbuilding on top of that. I wonder how this world will affect Owen and his ambitions. I have a feeling this fic may take an even darker tone down the road – if and when it will, I’ll have to see.
You’ve established a world fairly similar to the Pokémon Mystery Dungeon games with some new twists that make it more unique. ‘The association’ is like the guild from PMD2 with a very different spin on it and exploration of ‘aura powers’ in more detail. I feel this can also be used to explore the more social themes of the PMD universe later in the fic. For example, what it means to be certain ranks in the guild etc.
Many of the changes you’ve made are also used to make the universe of PMD feel much deadlier and less human than in the games. Many of the fight scenes (such as what we see in the prologue) feel impactful and dangerous. The introduction of ‘mutant’ Pokémon and these ‘pink clouds’ also adds to this factor of danger and add a new obstacle and mystery to the fic.
The similarity to the games is also established through the use of game mechanics to describe actions. Most of these time they add flavour to the fic and don’t feel forced. Such as the use of the evolite, mention of Pokémon types and use of dungeon mechanics are often fluid. However, when these game mechanics are employed during fight scenes they tend to have the opposite effect. They make you lose the ‘feel’ of the story. For example, it’s much better to know what the ‘faint attack’ looks and feels like rather than simply mentioning that it was a ‘faint attack’. This tends to make fight scenes much more intense and epic.
In fact, I feel as if the setting could be better described in general in many places; dungeons are beautiful, strange and hostile places and I believe they deserve more attention when you chose to write about them. This will also help with another issue the story has, moving on from scenes too quickly at times. This made it feel as if the story was being rushed through. If the scenes were a bit more detailed and longer this would let them feel as if they have more meaning. For example, the dream sequence in the prologue would have been a good opening but sadly it came across as cliché and a bit empty because of its length. Stuff like this can easily be fixed with a bit more setting description.
I’d like to see a bit more from Owen. So far we are a bit unsure about why he wants to be a part of the ‘association’. I’m guessing it’s mostly to prove himself as a ‘late evolver’ that he can be a great adventurer. I wonder if something in his backstory has also made him this way. I imagine we will find out. The other characters, we haven’t seen much of them so far. But many of them were introduced fairly quickly and mostly seem to be there to help Owen’s journey as the protagonist.
I feel that, somewhat, the story would benefit being told in first person (from Owen’s POV directly) rather than third person (how it is now). The story seems to very much be about Owen and very dialogue heavy as first-person writing tends to be. It would also enable you to emphasise the environment of the dungeons a little less since first-person writing allows you to look at internal thoughts in more detail. I’m not saying you have to change it, but I feel the fic itself would have more focus this way.
You have a fic with a lot of game elements and some interesting worldbuilding on top of that. I wonder how this world will affect Owen and his ambitions. I have a feeling this fic may take an even darker tone down the road – if and when it will, I’ll have to see.