The Continued Journey [PG]

[oddball walking]

A bit of information first, this story takes place in Kanto after the Battle Fronter series, Ash and the others have gone on to new places, we now see what happened after, in a time that will define the region.

This fiction will use the locations and people of the animé but it goes of at a tangent so it is no longer part of the story line (if you get my meaning). As of now the are two parts (books as I will call them) each with over ten instalments split into three or four chapters.
yes its the same story as the comic but I like writing more than doing comics.

All comments and constructive criticism are welcome. (any spelling mistakes pm me)

Below starts book one: Take one side and the other will fall!

One last thing, enjoy the read.

 

[oddball walking]

Prologue

He didn’t know why but when it came down to it, his nerves took control of him his blood rushed around his body sweating profusely. He was a wreck; a stark contrast form the man who can charge down a herd of Tauros, break into ranger HQ, he was the calmest man on earth; but all it takes is one small call to the boss and he breaks down. He knew he had to calm down and show no emotion, the boss would pick up on it straight off. He took in several large gasps of ain into his stocky body and let it all out in one.

“Patch me through” his voice rang out
“Yes sir”

The com device gave out a low tone just audible to humans, he listened to it intensely, waiting and by each second getting more nervous. He felt himself slipping back into his prior stare he caught himself as the tone broke and an almost equally low toned voice took its place.

“I take that by this call you have made your preparations.”
“Y-yess sir, I have planned it down the very finest detail.”

Damn he kicked himself pull your self together, getting the first sentence out lifted a huge weight off his chest, come on he thought I can do this now
.
“Good, good.” The voice replied in a lower tone. “Let me remind you that I have laid a huge amount of trust upon you, it is down to you to set us upon our way to victory, although what I have asked of you may seem small and insignificant, it is vital to achieve our goal, for one must start small to grow big.”

“Yes sir, and I thank you for the trust in me I will repay you with triumph in that which you ask of me”
“As I expect of all my subordinates and workers. You have your orders go fill them, remember; If you take one the other side will fall.”

With that the connection broke and the low humming again filled the room. The look on the mans face said it all, his determination to succeed shone through, with a quick glance at the map on the wall a slight smile appeared on his face, then he shouted down through the glass at the mass of people below him.

“The time has come; you all have your orders! Prepare step one they wont know what hit them.”

All the built up tension waiting for the call had now been released, he had never felt better in all his life. Walking over to the map bored he picked up a pin from the desk and slammed it onto the map.

The men in their trucks and 4 by 4s started up the engines and began to roll out of the base onto the first target.

The sharp pin vibrated out of its hole it had made in Pewter City.

 

[Blackjack Gabbiani]

Some basic mistakes here:

He was a wreck a stark contrast form the man who can charge down a herd of Tauros, breaking into ranger HQ, he was the calmest man on earth; but all it takes is one small call to the boss and he breaks down

That's an incredibly long sentence, and isn't puncuated right at all. How about this:
"He was a wreck; a stark contrast from the man who could charge down a herd of Tauros. Breaking into Ranger HQ he was the calmest man on earth, but all it (took/takes) is one small call to the boss and he (broke/breaks) down."
I'm not sure what tense you want that last part to be. Also, "charge down" implies he runs at them full force; is that what you're going for?

And a few spelling errors, two in one sentence. When you say "He new he had to calm down and show no emotion, the boss would pick up on it striate off." --he new or he knew? And "striate"? That doesn't mean anything close to what you want there. Is that auto spellcheck? Because either "right" or "straight" would work there and I have a feeling you were going for one of those.
And later on you say that trucks started up "there" engines. Hmm?

 

[oddball walking]

I've done some changes, most of them got through my proof reading. Funny thing is one reason I'm doing this is to help improve my basic English. (only got a D at my GCSEs)

Oh and the whole "charge down" thing will become clear at some stage.

Anyway thanks for the help.