EVERYONE: the Iron Mon

[helperman]

i have been working on this for a while. i know this is short and a bit badly made, but i have realized that i work best if i have deadlines, and also don't want to keep putting it off, so i am posting it. i will for now on post some more at least every two months. if you have any comments or suggestions, i would be glad if you posted them. it should count as everyone for now, but i might change it to teen later, but i can't yet say for what, but it most certainly will happen if i stay true to marvel:

Today Stark Industries was opening their first building in the Kanto region. As Tony looked across the crowd, he thought about how perfect his life was.

One hour later,

It was hard to believe that just an hour ago everything had seemed perfect. He had been a billionaire, loved by all. Now he lay there, abandoned and dying. Explosions shook him and flames burned. Then everything went black.

When he woke up, he was surprised to find that he wasn't dead. He was in a dimly lit room with no windows. A man walked in wearing a black uniform with a red R, the uniform of Team Rocket. "Hello, Tony Stark."The man said, "We have been keeping an eye on you. Your work has interested us. Unfortunately, your heart has been damaged by the explosion. If you don't get surgery soon, you will die. If you build us the ultimate weapon, we will do what is necessary to make sure you live." Tony Stark had no choice but to accept the man's offer.

They threw an old man into the room. "This man is named Ho Yinsen. He will help you build the weapon." Then the team rocket man left. "Tony Stark, aren't you that Unovan billionaire guy?" Ho Yinsen said. "Yes, that's me." Tony Stark replied with a sigh.

 

[helperman]

Sorry, a bit late, but heres the next few paragraphs:

After a bit, a team rocket grunt came in and gave them some parts and a computer. Pointing at the computer, the grunt said “this is a list of our previous experiments so that you can make sure you build something new.” Then the grunt left.


Suddenly, Tony Stark noticed a strange glowing from a corner of the room. Tony went to investigate. It was a rotom. Ho Yinsen came over and when he saw the rotom said “I've got an idea.”

 

[helperman]

i have decided to post more:
Working together, they made a strange cylinder-shaped device. Which was implanted into Tony's heart “Rotom, want to go in this device?” Tony asked. It worked. Rotom went in and became a form that glowed blue and had electrical arcs. “This should save your heart. It acts like a Pokemon-powered electromagnet.” Ho Yinsen said.

While looking at the files, Tony noticed something called Project Mew Two. It described a cloning experiment. But the part that interested Tony the most was a part that described a metal suit, originally designed to limit the clone's powers, but with a bit of modification could increase power instead of reduce it.

 

[Cavespider_17]

Review: The Iron Mon

I’d like to start by stating that Iron Man (or Tony Stark) is my favourite avenger, so the concept of including him in the pokémon world intrigues me. Combining the two universes does open up a lot of possibilities, and raises a lot of questions, such as: What constitutes a weapon in this world? What common machines from the Marvel Universe would be replaced by pokémon, or vice versa. You certainly have a lot of potential with the world building, if constructed thoroughly, it could allow you have flexibility in regards to what would work, and what’s best to alter accordingly.

Description wise, I think there is some in here, like the uniforms and the more technical aspects of things, but what does the room where Tony has been taken look like? Is it grey, black, white? You say it is dimly lit, but if he is going to work in there, how? What do the lights look like? Are they flickering? Is it a pokémon that is doing the lighting up? What does Tony feel, or what is he thinking? A lot of these things could be solved by the infamous line of: show not tell.

Furthermore, looking at the grammar in the chapters and the formatting, I think a review of these would improve the readability and smoothness of the story. What do I mean by this? An example of something that could be done grammar wise is to make sure the different speakers are split. The general rule is: for each new speaker there is a new paragraph. This will just make it easier to see who is speaking, and to register the change in tone. Similarly, when switching between an author’s note and the chapter’s content, maybe use a divider line (indicated with the ‘HR’ in BBCODE), or have an annotation to indicate where the author’s note starts, and where the story starts.

Lastly, I think it is very interesting to use Team Rocket as the villains here and not Team Plasma. I wonder why you chose them? I like the fact this subverted my expectations, because when I think of evil scientists who would benefit from Tony’s work – I think Team Plasma – and Colress. I wonder if Colress will have a bigger role to play later on, as you state Tony, in this world, is from Unova. I’m also glad that you are using the normal Team Rocket outfits rather than the Rainbow Rocket outfits. It brings a nice sense of nostalgia to the plate. I assume you are connecting the Movie Iron Man (2008) to the pokémon world rather than the comic book version (1968).

Overall, an interesting concept and I hope you are able to build it up.